Mattress racing

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“Mattress Racing, the common pastime for the modern man.”
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Those obsessed with so-called experts should thank their lucky stars that Wikipedia does not have an article about Mattress racing.

Many people have probably indulged in a little mattress racing from time to time, and it now stands as a pillar of the community within the known universe as something to do when one is bored, hyper and/or suicidal.

The origins of Mattress Racing

Mattress Racing came into being some time after the invention of the mattress (although the exact chronology is uncertain). It was first experienced when a hunter in a remote mountain shack rolled over in bed one time too many, and, in a highly unlikely but exciting chain of events, managed to fall out of bed with his mattress, slip out of the cabin door, down a mountain, into a river and then off Niagara Falls. Seeing his obvious enjoyment of the experience (he was heard shouting "this is awesome!" from the river[1] Since then it has evolved as a jolly pastime for those young and old.

The Rules

The rules are very simple. First one must take one's mattress and remove all bedding/toys/reading material/prostitutes from it. Then you have to drag it to the top of the nearest mountain (mountains commonly used include Mt. Killamanwithamattress and Mt. Minesbiggerthanyours). Then the mattress must be mounted by the player, and pushed off down the slope. The person alive and least traumatised/injured/dismembered at the end of the mountain has won. Smaller people can get a similar effect from placing the mattress at the top of the stairs, although this lacks the subtle nuances that truly define the sport, such as risk of being caught up in an avalanche, likelihood of bear attack and the like.

Cheats

While most devoted mattress-ees wouldn't DARE cheat at such a classy and obviously legendary game, some less scrupulous players have devised the following ways to improve their chances:

  1. Strap a home made rocket booster to the bottom of your mattress. A firework/flatulent uncle will have the same effect.
  2. Attach a hovercraft propulsion unit to the bottom of your mattress, so that it glides around as if on air.

These can help with arriving at the bottom first, but to improve survival chances, some players have been known to lash together multiple mattresses, to minimise the discomfort caused by rocks etc. This is known as the "Princess and the Pea" technique.

NB This should not be attempted by diabetics, those who are breast-feeding, those who are being breast fed, asthmatics, kittens, fish, megalomaniacs, Tony Blair and those allergic to mountains.

Ultra Super Mega Mattress Racing

Ordinary mattress racing a bit too flaccid? Need a bit of extreme adrenalin? Tired of the cushy protection of a mattress? Then Ultra Super Mega Mattress Racing is for YOU!

Ultra Super Mega Mattress Racing doesn't actually involve a mattress but the principle is still there.

A bin liner is tied around the player's waist like a giant nappy, and the player is violently thrown out of a plane that glides roughly 200 metres above the top of the mountain. The player must then use their bin liner to their advantage as they sail through the sky at ridiculously fast speeds towards the mountain, and then slide down the cliff faces on their butts. The winner of this high speed adrenalin rush is anyone whose corpse can be identified at the end.

Safety

  • Remember not to swim for two hours afterwards
  • Remember to wear camo so that you will be unseen from the sidelines and furthermore safe from MATTRESS HATERS!!!
  • Cocaine is recommended to enhance the experience

Footnotes

  1. Some maintain he was actually shouting "throw me an oar, someone!" and was mis-heard.
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