Mattress

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 01:34, April 2, 2008 by 24.41.48.176 (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search
Memoryfoam

Mattresses are, by nature, large hostile creatures found on the sea bed off the east coast of the USA. Initially feared by humans, they have become a huge and essential part of life as sleeping implements.

Tranquilized mattresses usued in everyday life are sedated only during waking hours, but at night they AWAKE...

Mattresses cannot be killed, at least not in industry, as a dead mattress's internal skeleton, or 'spring' system, immediately collapses, giving the appearance of rapid deflation. This makes their bodies easier to assimilate by bottom-feeding shrimps, fish and table-lamps. It also makes them near impossible to find by hunters, which is also due to their incredible camouflage (all mattresses taking on a stained sand-like colour when they reach maturity), and renders them useless to humans who. If, on any rare occasion, a dead mattress is discovered by humans, they are used only as components in some value-brand cat foods and pot noodles.

Mattresse Familiaris

The most common species of mattress is found near the coast of East America, and is found in only two or three mundane colours, the most usual being white or off-white. These are generally chunky and ungainly creatures, and, although some are more temperemental than others, mainly amicable, some even being kept as pets, if the mattress itself can stand the humiliation of being domesticated by a lower life-form.

Most mattresses of this species are of a low IQ, and rarely dangerous, except in the case of bed-wetters, whom they despise. In most cases deaths caused by angry mattresses are avoided due to duvets, who care dearly for the small children they serve, and warning devices, whcih in any case are more terrifying to young children than their mattress. In some reported cases, these are even mistaken for fire alarms, resulting in the customary flinging of the mattress from a high storey window in order to escape.

Mattresse Memoria

These mattresses do not remember the shape of your body, despite what the name or adverts say. The marks you leave in the surface of these mattresses are a result of the mattresses ability to curve around you, therefore increasing the surface area for the absorption of it's prey.

TO BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS.

Mattresse Ferus

The most dangerous of all mattresses lives offshore in the deepest parts of the atlantic ocean, where it feeds off small fish, plankton and the occasional cruise liner.

There are many theories surrounding the secrets of the bermuda triangle. Whirlpools, aliens, the city of Atlantis? No mention of mattresses. "Mattresses are harmless, they couldn't possibly bring down a ship."

That's what they'd like you to think.

Origins

After much research by mattress scientists, mattresses have been found to have evolved from a combination of humans and a species of squid. And we all know what that means. You dirty squid.

Mattress Farms

File:Harppoon.jpg
Brutality or neccesity?

Mattress farming is a thankfully little known and brutal industry consisting of catching and breeding wild mattresses in huge rope nets and tranquilising each one just before it reaches maturity, before mass transportation throughout the world. This in itself is not such a violent method of mattress production, but often mattress farmers find sport in their industry and improvise with tranquilizer darts and even harpoons. A great debate has sprung up concerning mattress welfare but many farmers see it as a necessity to show these vicious creatures who is in charge, desipte the mattresses themselves having brains only the size of beans and with no concept of charge except in dreaded mattress stampedes.

Fire Service

Despite their vicious and hostile temperament, some mattresses have found it in themselves to save human lives. Many have put their lives on the line in order to prevent broken bones of small children, and indeed many noble mattresses have perished when landed upon by obese fire-starters living on the fifth floor.

However, no medals have ever been awarded to mattresses, which may go some way to explaining their anti-human nature, although this might just be because of the harpoons.

Hannah Montana has been known to be able to set mattresses on fire without a match or other flame.

Personal tools
projects