Mattress

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[[Image:Memoryfoam.jpg|right]]
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{{User:Skinfan13/taxobox
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|name = ''Mattress''
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|image = [[image:Mattressinswamp.png|thumb|center|215px|A live mattress in its [[swamp|natural habitat]] on ''Squornshellous Zeta''.]]
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|Kingdom = [[Animal|Animalia]]
   
'''Mattresses''' are, by nature, large hostile creatures found on the sea bed off the east coast of the USA. Initially feared by humans, they have become a huge and essential part of life as sleeping implements.
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|Phylum = [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chordata Chordata]
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|Class = [[mammal|Mammalia]]
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|Order = [[carnivore|Carnivora]]
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|Family = Reproba
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|Genus = [[cube|Cubile]]
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|Species = Lectus
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|Binomial Name = ''Cubile Lectus''
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|Weight = 20-35 [[pounds|Lbs]]
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|Height = 10-32 In.
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|Length = 5-8 [[Feet|Ft.]]
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|Special Attack = The ability to willomy.
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|Conservation Status ='''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Least_Concern LC]'''
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}}{{Q|Mattresses are incredibly docile creatures whose corpses make great places to lie down and catch some Z's|The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|Mattresses}}
   
Tranquilized mattresses usued in everyday life are sedated only during waking hours, but at night they AWAKE...
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The '''mattress''' (''Cubile lectus'') is one of the three large bed-like creatures in the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genus genus] [[cube|Cubile]], and is a member of the family Reproba. Mattresses are incredibly useful [[creatures]]. They have evolved over the course of millions of years to become a remarkable example of how useful [[life]] can be once it has been thoroughly [[killed]]. Mattresses are native to the various [[swamp|swamps]] found on the [[planet]] Squornshellous Zeta. Mattresses can be considered a relatively intelligent form of life in that they are self-aware, can communicate, and have developed a primitive [[culture]].
   
Mattresses cannot be killed, at least not in industry, as a dead mattress's internal [[skeleton]], or 'spring' system, immediately collapses, giving the appearance of rapid deflation. This makes their bodies easier to assimilate by bottom-feeding shrimps, [[fish]] and [[table-lamps]]. It also makes them near impossible to find by hunters, which is also due to their incredible [[camouflage]] (all mattresses taking on a stained sand-like colour when they reach maturity), and renders them useless to humans who. If, on any rare occasion, a dead mattress is discovered by humans, they are used only as components in some value-brand cat foods and [[pot noodles]].
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Mattresses can live in the wild for anywhere up to 70 Squornshellous Zeta-years (roughly 3 [[Earth]] years), and up to 75 in captivity. Male mattresses often exhibit tendencies to be overly protective of their territory and harem of females. Male mattresses will aggressively willomy at one another until one abdicates and globbers away in defeat in order to protect all that it holds dear. Mattresses are often recognizable for their rectangular prism-like shape and patterned skin. Various subspecies exhibit different shades and textures of skin. Mattresses are most known for being a highly traded and valued [[galaxy|intergalactic]] [[product|commodity]]. The dried carcasses of mattresses are used by a variety of species across the [[universe]] as a sleeping surface. Mattresses rarely return to life once they are killed.
   
== Mattresse Familiaris ==
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__TOC__
   
The most common species of mattress is found near the coast of East America, and is found in only two or three mundane colours, the most usual being white or off-white. These are generally chunky and ungainly creatures, and, although some are more temperemental than others, mainly amicable, some even being kept as pets, if the mattress itself can stand the humiliation of being domesticated by a lower life-form.
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==Etymology==
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The word ''mattress'' is a [[English language|Galactic Basic]] word derived from the local Squornshellous word "Martessel" which means "I saw a giant rectangle, and it lurgled at me." The [[scientific]] name Cubile lectus is derived from the same language, meaning "Sleeping-mat Bed." The word mattress itself has been in widespread use ever since the product Mattress<small><sup>TM</sup></small> appeared on the market, this product of course being the freeze-dried corpse of the Martessel the local Squornshellous are so fond of ignoring.
   
Most mattresses of this species are of a low IQ, and rarely dangerous, except in the case of bed-wetters, whom they despise. In most cases deaths caused by angry mattresses are avoided due to duvets, who care dearly for the small children they serve, and warning devices, which in any case are more terrifying to young children than their mattress. In some reported cases, these are even mistaken for fire alarms, resulting in the customary flinging of the mattress from a high storey window in order to escape.
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==Taxonomy and Evolution==
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[[Mad scientists|Etymologists]] love spending loads of time on Squornshellous Zeta studying the docile mattress in its natural habitat, the Great Swamp of Squornshellous Zeta. These scientists have been able to determine that mattresses have been in existence for almost nearly as long as the planet of Squornshellous Zeta itself, which is roughly 796 Billion Gallactic Years (GY), or roughly 6 Billion [[year|Earth years]]. There is also [[fossil]] evidence indicating that the mattresses may have been [[Genetic engineering|genetically engineered]] by [[aliens|some other species]] for the specific purpose of killing them and using their lifeless cadavers for sleeping mats, which is exactly what is done to them today.
   
== Mattresse Memoria ==
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===Subspecies===
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[[Image:Memoryfoam.jpg|thumb|left|150px|Here we can see the dead [[skin|pelt]] of a ''Cubile lectus fervidus''.]]
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There are many different variations of mattress that roam the [[wilderness]] of Squornshellous Zeta. Some are larger than others, some have different [[skin]], and some have different [[color]] patterns. Among some of the better known subspecies of mattress are the Tempur-Pedic Mattress (''Cubile lectus fervidus''), the elusive Water Mattress (''Cubile lectus stillicidium''), and the Southern Inflated Mattress {''Cubile lectus aeris''). The Northern Inflated Mattress has been hunted into extinction by curious etymologists, a fact that rubs the companies that produce mattresses quite the wrong way. They demanded an apology once. They didn't get it. There are also legends of an enormous Alpha Mattress that roams the planet devouring helpless throw pillows and other small helpless creatures. These claims are unsubstantiated nonsense, but nevertheless there are [[some]] that believe it exists. The most common subspecies of mattress are of course the Common Swamp Spring Mattress (''Cubile lectus natus''). This mattress is the one most people know and love; it has a rough and textured skin, a hard interior [[skeleton]] resembling coiled springs, and a lovable pair of googly eyes. This subspecies comes in hundreds of varieties of both size, color, and firmness. Their carcasses are the most widely traded of mattress species across the galaxy and have served as the backbone of the economy of Squornshellous Zeta.
   
These mattresses do not remember the shape of your body, despite what the name or adverts say. The marks you leave in the surface of these mattresses are a result of the mattresses ability to curve around you, therefore increasing the surface area for the absorption of it's prey.
 
   
TO BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS.
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===Hybrids===
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There are unfortunate circumstances in which a mattress will [[mate]] with a [[pillow|throw pillow]] or other such creature and produce an [[Impotence|infertile]] [[child|offspring]] of hideous and useless proportions. The most common hybrid mattress is the mattrow. The mattrow was first discovered when Thrilliuminian Mattress Hunters stumbled upon one eating itself alive inside a dense swamp [[cave]]. The party of hunters was so terrified that they immediately pushed their leader into the cave with the mattrow in order to appease it as they [[cowardice|fled to safety]]. The mattrow did not know what to do with this poor, frightened Thrilliuminian (as the mattrow has an even lower level of intelligence than a regular mattress). The mattrow simply decided to [[eat]] him. The mattrow is so hideously disfigured and lumpy that it is incapable of becoming a good Mattress<small><sup>TM</sup></small> upon death, and therefore it is avoided and left to its own devices. This means that mattrows often end up accidentally killing or [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autocannibalism eating themselves].
   
== Mattresse Ferus ==
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In addition to the well-known and feared mattrow there are the hybrid species of mattket and mattré-quilt. These equally deformed and stupid subspecies enjoy a life of infertility and ignorant bliss. Amazingly since they are of no use to the producers of Mattresses<small><sup>TM</sup></small>, they are perfect examples of how the theory of [[Evolution]] fails. These subspecies are often cited by [[God]] as proof that science is wrong about most things. Science often counters that God is responsible for the existence of these deformed creatures, and God simply pouts in the corner denying this.
   
The most dangerous of all mattresses lives offshore in the deepest parts of the atlantic ocean, where it feeds off small fish, plankton and the occasional cruise liner.
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==Biology and Behavior==
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[[Image:Mattressdiagram.PNG|thumb|230px|This is a dissected mattress. Notice its internal skeleton of coiled spring-like bones.]]
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Mattresses spend much of their time [[sleeping|resting]] and are [[lazy|inactive]] for about 2/3<small><sup>rds</sup></small> of every Squornshellous Zeta day. Although mattresses can be active at any time, their activity generally peaks after [[evening|dusk]] with a period of [[shouting|socializing]], [[vanity|grooming]], and [[shitting|defecating]]. Intermittent bursts of activity follow through the night hours until dawn, when [[hunting]] most often takes place. They spend an average of two hours a day flolloping and 50 minutes eating. Other activities include wurfing, volluing, lurgling, and vooning.
   
There are many theories surrounding the secrets of the bermuda triangle. Whirlpools, aliens, the city of Atlantis? No mention of mattresses. "Mattresses are harmless, they couldn't possibly bring down a ship."
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===Hunting and Diet===
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Mattresses are carnivorous animals that feast upon the [[flesh]] of lesser swamp creatures, such as ottoman feet-stools, small armchairs, and futons. They are known for their cunning ability to flollop along and suddenly snatch up an unsuspecting meal. Despite living in close social groups, mattresses tend to hunt alone. They will occasionally share food though when it best suits their interests. Mattresses are incapable of eating anything other than meat. A mattress needs to consume roughly 3 kilotons of meat every year, or roughly 1/3<small><sup>rd</sup></small> of the annual intake of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
   
That's what they'd ''like'' you to think.
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===Reproductive Life Cycle===
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Mattresses have an incredibly hard time having [[sex]]. This is because as far as anyone can tell, mattresses do not posses [[penises|reproductive organs]]. Still though, they are not asexual reproducers, and you can frequently see mattresses [[humping|mating]] in the swamps if you take the time to notice. The reason we know that mattresses are not asexual reproducers is that often a pair of mattresses, lets say a blue and a yellow one, often have offspring that are an incredibly ugly off-color of green. This is useful to the offspring in that the various producers of Mattresses<small><sup>TM</sup></small> know that off-color green Mattresses<small><sup>TM</sup></small> do not sell very well, so they leave these hideous ones alone. Sadly for the species, these ugly mattresses appear to be sterile so they cannot reproduce and pass on their good fortune. Luckily none of the mattresses seem to care.
   
== Origins ==
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===Culture===
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Mattresses are in the literal sense an [[intelligent]] form of life in that they can [[talk|communicate]] with one another and have created a [[culture]]. They do not however posses incredible mental faculties in that they are quite content with living out a simple existence of volluing and lurgling in the swamps of Squornshellous Zeta and being slaughtered to provide the galaxy's [[citizens]] with semi-comfortable sleeping surfaces. Indeed the mattresses seem to not care much, they often tell the etymologists who come across them that they are aware of their eventual fate and that they consider their time on Squornshellous Zeta to have been pleasant enough thus far to be satisfied with whatever end they may meet. This end of course is usually being rounded up, exterminated, freeze-dried, and stretched into the product we are all familiar with.
   
After much research by mattress scientists, mattresses have been found to have evolved from a combination of humans and a species of squid. And we all know what that means. You dirty squid.
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Mattresses curiously enough speak [[English|Galactic Basic]] to one another. They report that they picked it up from a [[software]] known as [[Rosetta Stone]] as their original language was just stupid and unintelligible gurgling and bubbling sounds. Mattresses also refer to one another as Zem. This somehow does not seem to confuse them, although it does seem to baffle most mattress hunters when one mattress will call out to another, "Hey Zem, please tell Zem and Zem that I won't be home for dinner as I will sadly be killed in a few moments," to which his companion would reply, "Of course Zem! I would be happy to tell Zem that!" to which the original would say, "And don't forget Zem!"
   
== Mattress Farms ==
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==Commercial Uses==
[[Image:Harppoon.jpg|right|thumb|179px|Brutality or neccesity?]]
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As you may be aware, the mattress is most known for its practical everyday use across the galaxy as a sleep surface. Very few individuals are aware that Mattresses<small><sup>TM</sup></small> however were once living beings. Well a select few are ''very'' aware of this [[fact]], but they are usually the ones who have been rudely awakened in the [[night]] by their newly reanimated mattress. The mattress usually would then try and befriend the person, much to their outrage and dismay. Needless to say, this happens very rarely so [[consumers]] should not be [[cowards|afraid]].
   
Mattress farming is a thankfully little known and brutal industry consisting of catching and breeding wild mattresses in huge rope nets and tranquilising each one just before it reaches maturity, before mass transportation throughout the world. This in itself is not such a violent method of mattress production, but often mattress farmers find sport in their industry and improvise with tranquilizer darts and even harpoons. A great debate has sprung up concerning mattress welfare but many farmers see it as a necessity to show these vicious creatures who is in charge, desipte the mattresses themselves having brains only the size of beans and with no concept of charge except in dreaded [[mattress stampede]]s.
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===Process of Producing a Mattress<small><sup>TM</sup></small>===
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Mattresses must first be caught. In order for this to happen they must be found. Then they have to be made thoroughly [[dead]]. This is a process that requires a certain professional known as a mattress hunter. When describing a mattress hunter is is entirely impossible not to conjure up images that many [[Americans]] on the planet [[Earth]] may have once had of [[cowboys]] in a [[Spaghetti]] [[Western]]. The typical mattress hunter is not well [[school|educated]], is armed to the teeth, and likes to wear large [[hats]] made of straw. Mattress hunters will corner an unsuspecting mattress by vooning in the particular manner that most mattresses voon from a concealed position. The excited mattress will then make its way toward the hunter who will then jump out of his spot and shout, "Surprise!" Interestingly enough, the word "surprise" is a mattress' one true biological weakness. The sound frequencies made by the word "surprise" vibrating within the atmosphere of Squornshellous Zeta that enter the [[ear]] canal of the poor mattress will create electrical signals at just the right amplitude to make its [[brain]] literally turn to mush. This is great for the mattress hunters. It is not so great for the mattresses.
   
== Fire Service ==
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The carcasses of recently hunted mattresses are transported to a facility on the northern side of the planet where they are freeze-dried and prepared for shipping to the great mattress [[factory|factories]] of Betelgeuse IV. Once they arrive at the factories, they are laid out to dry in giant heating facilities. After being dried out, they are pressed and stretched until they are all a uniform size within a special product class, which is interestingly enough measured in units of [[royalty]]. At this point they are packaged and shipped throughout the [[universe]].
   
Despite their vicious and hostile temperament, some mattresses have found it in themselves to save human lives. Many have put their lives on the line in order to prevent broken bones of small children, and indeed many noble mattresses have perished when landed upon by obese fire-starters living on the fifth floor.
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===Companies that Produce Mattresses<small><sup>TM</sup></small>===
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There are many companies over the centuries that have attempted to make use of the mattress population of Squornshellous Zeta. The most notable companies are:
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*'''The Ursa Major Mattress<small><sup>TM</sup></small> Company''' is the largest producer of legitimate mattresses in the galaxy.
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*'''The Frogstar A Corporation for Everyday Products''' is most known for producing Frogstar A Fighters. Little do most consumers know that they also run one of the largest illegal mattress smuggling operations in the galaxy. They are also said to be experimenting on mattresses to make them more suitable for Vogon use.
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*'''Dolmansaxlil Shoe Corporation''' which is famous for bringing forth the ''Shoe Event Horizon'' on the planet Brontitall, this company also has a [[huge|small]] side project that produces mattresses. They are currently trying to figure out how to best make mattresses a commodity that people believe they must endlessly consume. They are hopping to avoid causing a ''Mattress Event Horizon'' this time around.
   
However, no medals have ever been awarded to mattresses, which may go some way to explaining their anti-human nature, although this might just be because of the harpoons.
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==See Also==
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*[[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]
[[Hannah Montana]] has been known to be able to set mattresses on fire without a match or other flame.
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*[[Douglas Adams]]
 
[[Category:Creatures]]
 

Revision as of 22:39, April 7, 2010

Mattress
Mattressinswamp

A live mattress in its natural habitat on Squornshellous Zeta.

Kingdom Animalia
Phylum Chordata
Class Mammalia
Order Carnivora
Family Reproba
Genus Cubile
Species Lectus
Binomial Name Cubile Lectus
Weight 20-35 Lbs
Height 10-32 In.
Length 5-8 Ft.
Special Attack The ability to willomy.
Conservation Status LC
“Mattresses are incredibly docile creatures whose corpses make great places to lie down and catch some Z's”

The mattress (Cubile lectus) is one of the three large bed-like creatures in the genus Cubile, and is a member of the family Reproba. Mattresses are incredibly useful creatures. They have evolved over the course of millions of years to become a remarkable example of how useful life can be once it has been thoroughly killed. Mattresses are native to the various swamps found on the planet Squornshellous Zeta. Mattresses can be considered a relatively intelligent form of life in that they are self-aware, can communicate, and have developed a primitive culture.

Mattresses can live in the wild for anywhere up to 70 Squornshellous Zeta-years (roughly 3 Earth years), and up to 75 in captivity. Male mattresses often exhibit tendencies to be overly protective of their territory and harem of females. Male mattresses will aggressively willomy at one another until one abdicates and globbers away in defeat in order to protect all that it holds dear. Mattresses are often recognizable for their rectangular prism-like shape and patterned skin. Various subspecies exhibit different shades and textures of skin. Mattresses are most known for being a highly traded and valued intergalactic commodity. The dried carcasses of mattresses are used by a variety of species across the universe as a sleeping surface. Mattresses rarely return to life once they are killed.


Etymology

The word mattress is a Galactic Basic word derived from the local Squornshellous word "Martessel" which means "I saw a giant rectangle, and it lurgled at me." The scientific name Cubile lectus is derived from the same language, meaning "Sleeping-mat Bed." The word mattress itself has been in widespread use ever since the product MattressTM appeared on the market, this product of course being the freeze-dried corpse of the Martessel the local Squornshellous are so fond of ignoring.

Taxonomy and Evolution

Etymologists love spending loads of time on Squornshellous Zeta studying the docile mattress in its natural habitat, the Great Swamp of Squornshellous Zeta. These scientists have been able to determine that mattresses have been in existence for almost nearly as long as the planet of Squornshellous Zeta itself, which is roughly 796 Billion Gallactic Years (GY), or roughly 6 Billion Earth years. There is also fossil evidence indicating that the mattresses may have been genetically engineered by some other species for the specific purpose of killing them and using their lifeless cadavers for sleeping mats, which is exactly what is done to them today.

Subspecies

Memoryfoam

Here we can see the dead pelt of a Cubile lectus fervidus.

There are many different variations of mattress that roam the wilderness of Squornshellous Zeta. Some are larger than others, some have different skin, and some have different color patterns. Among some of the better known subspecies of mattress are the Tempur-Pedic Mattress (Cubile lectus fervidus), the elusive Water Mattress (Cubile lectus stillicidium), and the Southern Inflated Mattress {Cubile lectus aeris). The Northern Inflated Mattress has been hunted into extinction by curious etymologists, a fact that rubs the companies that produce mattresses quite the wrong way. They demanded an apology once. They didn't get it. There are also legends of an enormous Alpha Mattress that roams the planet devouring helpless throw pillows and other small helpless creatures. These claims are unsubstantiated nonsense, but nevertheless there are some that believe it exists. The most common subspecies of mattress are of course the Common Swamp Spring Mattress (Cubile lectus natus). This mattress is the one most people know and love; it has a rough and textured skin, a hard interior skeleton resembling coiled springs, and a lovable pair of googly eyes. This subspecies comes in hundreds of varieties of both size, color, and firmness. Their carcasses are the most widely traded of mattress species across the galaxy and have served as the backbone of the economy of Squornshellous Zeta.


Hybrids

There are unfortunate circumstances in which a mattress will mate with a throw pillow or other such creature and produce an infertile offspring of hideous and useless proportions. The most common hybrid mattress is the mattrow. The mattrow was first discovered when Thrilliuminian Mattress Hunters stumbled upon one eating itself alive inside a dense swamp cave. The party of hunters was so terrified that they immediately pushed their leader into the cave with the mattrow in order to appease it as they fled to safety. The mattrow did not know what to do with this poor, frightened Thrilliuminian (as the mattrow has an even lower level of intelligence than a regular mattress). The mattrow simply decided to eat him. The mattrow is so hideously disfigured and lumpy that it is incapable of becoming a good MattressTM upon death, and therefore it is avoided and left to its own devices. This means that mattrows often end up accidentally killing or eating themselves.

In addition to the well-known and feared mattrow there are the hybrid species of mattket and mattré-quilt. These equally deformed and stupid subspecies enjoy a life of infertility and ignorant bliss. Amazingly since they are of no use to the producers of MattressesTM, they are perfect examples of how the theory of Evolution fails. These subspecies are often cited by God as proof that science is wrong about most things. Science often counters that God is responsible for the existence of these deformed creatures, and God simply pouts in the corner denying this.

Biology and Behavior

Mattressdiagram

This is a dissected mattress. Notice its internal skeleton of coiled spring-like bones.

Mattresses spend much of their time resting and are inactive for about 2/3rds of every Squornshellous Zeta day. Although mattresses can be active at any time, their activity generally peaks after dusk with a period of socializing, grooming, and defecating. Intermittent bursts of activity follow through the night hours until dawn, when hunting most often takes place. They spend an average of two hours a day flolloping and 50 minutes eating. Other activities include wurfing, volluing, lurgling, and vooning.

Hunting and Diet

Mattresses are carnivorous animals that feast upon the flesh of lesser swamp creatures, such as ottoman feet-stools, small armchairs, and futons. They are known for their cunning ability to flollop along and suddenly snatch up an unsuspecting meal. Despite living in close social groups, mattresses tend to hunt alone. They will occasionally share food though when it best suits their interests. Mattresses are incapable of eating anything other than meat. A mattress needs to consume roughly 3 kilotons of meat every year, or roughly 1/3rd of the annual intake of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

Reproductive Life Cycle

Mattresses have an incredibly hard time having sex. This is because as far as anyone can tell, mattresses do not posses reproductive organs. Still though, they are not asexual reproducers, and you can frequently see mattresses mating in the swamps if you take the time to notice. The reason we know that mattresses are not asexual reproducers is that often a pair of mattresses, lets say a blue and a yellow one, often have offspring that are an incredibly ugly off-color of green. This is useful to the offspring in that the various producers of MattressesTM know that off-color green MattressesTM do not sell very well, so they leave these hideous ones alone. Sadly for the species, these ugly mattresses appear to be sterile so they cannot reproduce and pass on their good fortune. Luckily none of the mattresses seem to care.

Culture

Mattresses are in the literal sense an intelligent form of life in that they can communicate with one another and have created a culture. They do not however posses incredible mental faculties in that they are quite content with living out a simple existence of volluing and lurgling in the swamps of Squornshellous Zeta and being slaughtered to provide the galaxy's citizens with semi-comfortable sleeping surfaces. Indeed the mattresses seem to not care much, they often tell the etymologists who come across them that they are aware of their eventual fate and that they consider their time on Squornshellous Zeta to have been pleasant enough thus far to be satisfied with whatever end they may meet. This end of course is usually being rounded up, exterminated, freeze-dried, and stretched into the product we are all familiar with.

Mattresses curiously enough speak Galactic Basic to one another. They report that they picked it up from a software known as Rosetta Stone as their original language was just stupid and unintelligible gurgling and bubbling sounds. Mattresses also refer to one another as Zem. This somehow does not seem to confuse them, although it does seem to baffle most mattress hunters when one mattress will call out to another, "Hey Zem, please tell Zem and Zem that I won't be home for dinner as I will sadly be killed in a few moments," to which his companion would reply, "Of course Zem! I would be happy to tell Zem that!" to which the original would say, "And don't forget Zem!"

Commercial Uses

As you may be aware, the mattress is most known for its practical everyday use across the galaxy as a sleep surface. Very few individuals are aware that MattressesTM however were once living beings. Well a select few are very aware of this fact, but they are usually the ones who have been rudely awakened in the night by their newly reanimated mattress. The mattress usually would then try and befriend the person, much to their outrage and dismay. Needless to say, this happens very rarely so consumers should not be afraid.

Process of Producing a MattressTM

Mattresses must first be caught. In order for this to happen they must be found. Then they have to be made thoroughly dead. This is a process that requires a certain professional known as a mattress hunter. When describing a mattress hunter is is entirely impossible not to conjure up images that many Americans on the planet Earth may have once had of cowboys in a Spaghetti Western. The typical mattress hunter is not well educated, is armed to the teeth, and likes to wear large hats made of straw. Mattress hunters will corner an unsuspecting mattress by vooning in the particular manner that most mattresses voon from a concealed position. The excited mattress will then make its way toward the hunter who will then jump out of his spot and shout, "Surprise!" Interestingly enough, the word "surprise" is a mattress' one true biological weakness. The sound frequencies made by the word "surprise" vibrating within the atmosphere of Squornshellous Zeta that enter the ear canal of the poor mattress will create electrical signals at just the right amplitude to make its brain literally turn to mush. This is great for the mattress hunters. It is not so great for the mattresses.

The carcasses of recently hunted mattresses are transported to a facility on the northern side of the planet where they are freeze-dried and prepared for shipping to the great mattress factories of Betelgeuse IV. Once they arrive at the factories, they are laid out to dry in giant heating facilities. After being dried out, they are pressed and stretched until they are all a uniform size within a special product class, which is interestingly enough measured in units of royalty. At this point they are packaged and shipped throughout the universe.

Companies that Produce MattressesTM

There are many companies over the centuries that have attempted to make use of the mattress population of Squornshellous Zeta. The most notable companies are:

  • The Ursa Major MattressTM Company is the largest producer of legitimate mattresses in the galaxy.
  • The Frogstar A Corporation for Everyday Products is most known for producing Frogstar A Fighters. Little do most consumers know that they also run one of the largest illegal mattress smuggling operations in the galaxy. They are also said to be experimenting on mattresses to make them more suitable for Vogon use.
  • Dolmansaxlil Shoe Corporation which is famous for bringing forth the Shoe Event Horizon on the planet Brontitall, this company also has a small side project that produces mattresses. They are currently trying to figure out how to best make mattresses a commodity that people believe they must endlessly consume. They are hopping to avoid causing a Mattress Event Horizon this time around.

See Also

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