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“Calm, fitter, healthier and more productive. A pig in a cage on antibiotics...Twat.”
“So this Matthew Bellamy - is it still classed as bestiality if I commit an act of sexual intercourse on an alien?”
“We're so proud of a local lad becoming so wildly successful and generating revenue for our sleepy, Cydonia-side town.”
Matthew Bellamy (Born June 35th 252,400 McAppleθ²) is singer, writer, guitarist, pianist, bassist, drummer, manager, publicist, communist, pedophile, prostitute, Thom Yorke impersonator and de facto Führer of three-piece band Muse (Or 'The Matthew Bellamy Experience'). His dramatic, apocalyptic, and generally shiny style of rock has brought joy to millions of French people. Bellamy dates actress Kate Hudson, who in July 2011 gave birth to the first of possibly many alien hybrids of Matthew Bellamy.
Matt is part of the famous Bellamy corporation, which is located somewhere in the star constellation, Ursa Minor. His youth was spent growing up in his native Anchorage, Alaska, which is known to be located somewhere in the zeta reticuli galaxy. Other sources, however, suggest that he was born on the planet of Gallifrey, and was the first Doctor, other sources suggest that he was born from the womb of a black hole which created the universe. He is son of George Bellamy, the famous rap star and winemaker and twin brother of minor celebrity Kieran Robinson, also known as God from the planet JizzTown (also known as the "Face of the moon"). Matt has no clue of the identity of his mother, but has numerous tattoos around his body containing vital clues as to who and where she might be (See Memento for information on this phenomenon). He spent much of his youth attempting to track her down; the final clue uncovered before music took precedence- a tattoo in the shape of a can of Heinz Sliced Beans seemed to indicate that she had returned to her low key bar job at the goat and tricycle, Bournemouth.
Despite his father's laboured and systematic attempts, Matt never took an interest in naturism in fact, Matt has indicated he suffers from a life-long fear of wasps and the only time he tried playing football, he was told he ran like a girl. He attributes this minor inconvenience to the side effects of when he was buggered by a heron during puberty before his bones had fully developed.
So at various points in his life Matt decided to take his own path, a radical departure from his family's long line of botanists and footballers; he started learning to play piano, having uncovered one in his father's secure basement cell. He began on a blues route, and briefly slipped into the dead end that is fidget rock before settling on perfecting the classical style. He had incredible autistic talent due to extremely spidery fingers, and can currently conduct 3 finger rapes at once with only 1 tentacle at pretty much free will after much practice in the middle section of his youth. However, when attempting to dish out 5 finger rapes with only half a tentacle, this proved far too much for him to comprehend and he was close to blowing his own mind, causing a Super massive Black Hole "similar to the hole that his mother talked out of" as he once remarked (a rare piece of wit from the normally dull Matty Boy). He was picked on at school due to his lack of football skills, his rapists wit, his twig-like arms, his ability to sing like a girl and his habit of serenading tramps and all round pond life to tunes from the Romantic period on his Playskool Casio c70.2 keyboard. Matt often consoled himself with mulled wine, Kit Kat Chunkies and the customary wild mushrooms. Starting a band was his way of dealing with his emotional pain, erratic sexuality and learning difficulties - hence the emotional overload of Muse's early songs. Despite his ever improving all action and fizzy skills with the guitar, Matt was not a natural on stage and has even less stage presence than Gareth Gates' teeth. He is often ridiculed for what he considers to be his best stage move, the self titled 'Goose Shuffle' with art critics in Central Europe queueing up to put the boot in. Labours chief bruiser John Prescott once famously quoted "I hate the goose shuffle"
'Apocalypse Pleasure' was not in fact a Muse Song. Well, it was kinda. Maybe. Anyway, the point is that it's a lost recording from when Matt had to escape his home planet due to an invasion from Thom Yorke and Chris Martin. Matt was so freaked out by how milky he had become and how he sounded pretty much identical to them that he immediately started screaming 'THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD AT LAST!!!' and flapping his tentacles wildly. Naturally, for a British urban rock band, although, he's not actually British, well he is, kinda, maybe. Well that's not the point again. This turned into the concept for an entire album called "When the inadequate, yet similar musicians came to invade my cavity (again)" which was rather good, however no-one yet knows the real meaning of this album, due to its incredibly cryptic guitar licks and unique reverse drum lumps. The track listings on the reverse of the cd used the new unpopular Spanish Braille system which hardly endeared it to the wider seeing listeners from around the world.
With the huge success of OverTheTop records, Origin of Symmetry and Absolution, Matt officially became a demi-god in 2004 and was presented a medallion declaring his new status by the Emperor of the Known Universe, Patrick Moore. Bellamy's big-headedness was replaced with humbleness and he went on to donate all his earnings and wordly possessions he had gathered as an interdimensional, super being to a nearby branch of Oxfam - probably in Skegness or Market Harborough.
In recent years, he has received invites to live in Valhalla and Elysium but declined in favour of remaining in the mortal realm, so that he might continue work on his life-long ambition; the creation of the ultimate guitar, and breeding his race of mini-selves with his human test tube wife, Kate Hudson.
“So far I've added some glitter paint, a pad that flashes and makes synthy-noises, a chainsaw and a heat-seaking missile...I'm toying with the idea of a laser, kind of based on the Death Star, but I don't want to make it ostentatious or anything. Y'know?”
The real reason for the feeling of massiveness experienced when hearing one of Muse's songs (such as 'New Porn', or 'Marseille Syndrome') is the awesome power and nose-tingling might of Bellamy's custom made guitars, the Mattocasters.
Mattocasters are created by Hanson at their famous guitar shop in Nantes. Matt called in one day (he had heard there were some pretty girls there and needed some females for his latest experiment on humans) and knew as soon as he walked in that Hanson were the ones to make his new instruments.
Some critics have argued that Mattocasters are both instruments of the devil and, also weapons of mass destruction, likely to destroy not only Bono, but the entire planet; these fears prompted the US to invade Matt in 2005. Others protest that the guitars are now a necessity that society could not live without and that removing them from the public-eye would cause a sense of general apathy and an almost chalky taste of regret to fall over the world.
Currently there are around 28 Mattocasters in existence, many of them hidden at secret locations on Earth and the Moon. In a recent interview, Bellamy implied that, upon the release of the band's next album, the now-expected treasure hunt would involve locating these Mattocasters, as he 'hasn't hadn't any luck finding them' himself.
“I forgot to mark them on my GPS”
“I found one, now how do you play this thing?”
The information collected on Mattocasters is as follows:
- Silver Mattocaster: As well as being a crazy custom shape, this is fitted with a Z.Vex Fuzz Factory, MXR Phase 90 phaser, Seymour Duncan and Kent Armstrong pickups.
- Mattocaster MKII: New additions to this beast include hypnosis unit, and a hidden P-90 SMG to replace the Seymour Duncan pickup. It also provides living space for the band whilst on tour.
- Mattocaster MKIII: This guitar features a state-of-the-art laser for slicing people up, as well as the technology to activate nuclear missiles from all US and Soviet bases. At a gig in Baghdad, the guitar was almost stolen by terrorists hailing from Norwich. However Pierre Kelly holmes and Dominique Howard foiled the plans just in the nick of time.
- Mattocaster MKIV: Known to be the most valuable and rare of the Mattocasters, This guitar has all of the capabilities of the MKII and MKIII, but also includes cup holders and comes with a nifty key chain.
- Mattocaster MKV: Known to be the "Not quite as valuable or rare as the Mattocaster MKIV but still pretty frickin' awesome" Mattocaster, this model is exactly the same as the MKIV, but once a MKIV has significant wear, it is considered a MKV. Upon this transformation, the MKIV will receive duct tape decals and broken wood fragments.
- Mattocaster MKVI: There was never significant evidence that this Mattocaster even exists. It is rumored that this Mattocaster is made of solid gold and has ice strings. It is also said (by a not very well known mental patient) that this Mattocaster is found in El Dorado.
- Mattocaster 'Red Sparkly Thing': A more updated and special version of Silver Mattocaster. It not only has the ability to produce sounds which are not scientifically possible, but is also very sparkly which may make followers of the Matthew Bellamy Experience become sexually obsessed with Bellamy's fingers, which have featured in various hentai movies since 2001.
- Mattocaster 'Not Valuable at All': This Mattocaster is made of paper, uses cardboard strings, and is plugged into a cardboard box rather than a standard guitar amplifier. This version is only played by homeless people and Miley Cyrus.
- Other Known Mattocasters: Several of these have been confiscated by MI5 and, at present, no further information can be given on them, though rumours on AboveTopSecret.com indicate that the UK government is planning to utilise Mattocasters in the event of an Anglo-Belgian war. Specifically, one unclassified Mattocaster is sometimes referred to as the Mattocaster 'Evil Machine'. It is said to be alive and live in the depths of the underworld with Mark Hoppus, Cyberman Tom Delonge, and Travis Barker from underworld punk band Blink 182.