Matt Casamassina

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Matthew Elizabeth Casamassina is the illegitimate son of Jack Thompson. Similar to Thompson's crusade against video games, Matt Casamassina is a crusader against coherent and objective video game reviews. He is also incredibly gifted at contradiction.

“This game is better than sex, but it totally sucks and I hate it.”
~ Matt Casamassina on just about any game he's reviewed.

edit Background

Born on a stoat farm and subsequently raised by the Village idiot in Simi Valley, California's only trailer park proved to be rough for Casamasamasasamasasina. Considered a social outcast throughout childhood (and well into adulthood), Casamassina often found solace in the comfort of his bedroom; away from the general public he so desparately feared. Alone and reclusive, Casamassina found comfort in a joystick. Not his own, (although some speculate he often multitasked) but in the original Nintendo game system. After unsuccessful attempts to sabotage the few friends that he had with his sarcastic know-it-all wit, or lack thereof, Casamassina finally hit puberty at the tender age of 20 and decided it was time for a change. In order to find a girl, he'd first have to reinvent himself. As the 1980's had come to a close more than a decade before, Casamassina determined that his mullet style hairdo was holding him back. A short trip to supercuts, and Jesus Jones he was no more. While wholly unsuccessful with women in general and with no education to back up his so-called writing career, Casamassina is described as a California talker as he often rants and raves about the benefits of living paycheck to paycheck in state that is slowly dying, culturally and socially (as holds true for Casamassina. Matt quickly grew fond of escapism. Feeling the urge to battle Thetans on distant, galactic space testicles, Matt bought his first Nintendo system with the doubloons he earned as a pirate. He quickly became addicted to his first game, SimOpinion -- a game developed by Will Wright's grandmother -- that, when entered a topic, would generate an opinion. This game is what generated his dream of writing video game reviews.

edit Career

edit GameSpot

Matt was hired to work at GameSpot as Jeff Gerstmann's personal ball washer, an area in which his talents excelled greatly for two years. During those two years, Matt became familiar with all the right people by providing his ball-washing service, and an opportunity to start his dream career began when he accidentally forgot where GameSpot was and drove to the headquarters of GameSpot's rival, IGN.

edit IGN

Upon accidentally arriving at IGN, Matt met Tony Curtis who was, at that time, the owner of IGN. Matt told Tony about his ball-washing profession, and his aspirations to review video games, and the two reached a satisfactory agreement. Matt would intern at IGN, writing short reviews and performing hygenical services to all staff.

After another two years and finally reaching the level cap in ball-washing, Matt was ready to become a full-time video game reviewer. Tony asked Matt which video game system he'd like to review for, and as he did with any major decision, Matt consulted his SimOpinion game for an answer. SimOpinion was quite a biased game as it chose the system it was developed for -- Nintendo. Matt was then put in charge of the GameCube section of IGN.

edit Coherence and Objectivity

Since Matt never had any opinions of his own as a result of the constant reliance on SimOpinion, each and every article he posted on IGN had conflicting opinions. Coupled with Matt's inability to spell correctly or having himself or someone else proof-read an article, his work was even lower than the standards expected of IGN's proprietary, mentally-disabled goat Fran Mirabaaaaahlla, who's only real skill was the his ability to type with hoofs. As a result of this, each part of Matt's articles would cancel itself out as the sheer hypocrisy baked within could not exist in this universe more than two Mississippies. Therefore, it was often necessary for his articles to be edited last minute, resulting in more sub-par works.

Regardless of the fact that most of Matt's articles would say one thing on a subject, and then do a complete 180 on the same subject resulting in the mass confusion of readers, his skill as a ball-washer cements his employment at IGN.

edit Gets The Job Done™

Matt's catchprase, "It gets the job done" accompanies most of his reviews. It's quite possibly the most ridiculous statement one can make in a review as there would be no point in saying anything else simply because if a game gets the job done... there can't possibly be anything to make the experience worse. However, Matt is exceptionally talented at making the statement work in his reviews, almost blending in quite naturally with his style.

edit Quotes

“Sequels are nothing but companies profiting on old ideas. They never do anything for a franchise -- just take a look at Metroid Prime 2. Sequels shouldn't exist, but Smash Bros Melee definitely needs a sequel and Nintendo is only hurting themselves by not making one.”
~ Matt Casamassina on sequels.

“This game is absolute shit. Don't even waste your time on it. The graphics suck, the sound sucks, and the gameplay sucks. Therefore, I give it a full 10 as the game is an absolutely excellent experience.”
~ Matt Casamassina on crack.

“It's a little bit clunky. The controller feels clunky, the graphics feel clunky and the game itself feels clunky. Clunky. Clunky. Clunky clunky clunky clunky clunky.”
~ Matt Casamassina on being a robot
“Wait, what?”
~ Matt Casamassina on The Internet

“It gets the job done.”
~ Matt Casamassina on The Haunted Mansion
“It gets the job done.”
~ Matt Casamassina on Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg
“It gets the job done.”
~ Matt Casamassina on Resident Evil
“It gets the job done.”
~ Matt Casamassina on Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex
“It gets the job done.”
~ Matt Casamassina on Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon 2
“It gets the job done.”
~ Matt Casamassina on Shrek SuperSlam.
“It gets the job done.”
~ Matt Casamassina on Mario Tennis 64
“It gets the job done.”
~ Matt Casamassina on Your Mom
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