Matt Bellamy
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“Get a grip...”
~ Matt Bellamy
Matthew Bellamy, also known as Matt Belle-Amy, Matt My-bell-end-and-me, THE MATTINATOR, el Mattador and God, (Born June 91th, 1920) is singer, guitarist, pianist, bassist, drummer, saxophonist, trumpet player, acute triangle player, sexually transmitted diseases spreader, and overlord of 3 piece band Muse. His dramatic, apocalyptic, orgasmic, sexy, and crazy style of rock has brought joy (and STDs) to millions of Communists such as Oscar Wilde.
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[edit] His Youth
Matt's youth was spent growing up in his native Sirus B-42-V, in the town of Xenos. He is part of the famous Bellamy family - he is son of David Bellamy (the famous horticulturist and beard cultivator), and twin brother of famous footballer Craig Bellamy (who is also known as the "Hunchback of the Moon"). Matt has no clue as to the identity of his mother, but has numerous tattoos around his body containing vital clues on who/where she might be. He spent much of his time trying to track her down, yet the final clue he found before stardom interrupted is that she may have been killed by a poisoned space burger (see Memento for information on this phenomenon).
Despite his father's laboured attempts, Matt never took an interest in nature, and the only time he tried playing football, he was told he ran like a gasquigasplorch. From the age of 2 months, Matt started to learn to play piano. He began on a blues route, and after dabbling with the greens and oranges, he taught himself the classical Sirian style. He had incredible natural talent due to extremely spidery/magic fingers, and currently he can span 4 octaves with a single tentacle.
He was picked on at school due to his lack of football skills, his spindly body frame, and often heard various insults shouted at him on the playground such as "Quel con!", "Nique ta mère!", "Enculé de ta mére!", and "Les traducteurs d'Internet sont vraiment mauvais, aren't ils!?". He often consoled himself with some of his father's wine, and got smashed down by the vineyard. Starting a band was his way of dealing with his emotional pain (hence the emotional nature of the songs).
Matt Bellamy sold his soul to the Devil at the age of 14, in return the Devil gave Bellamy his awesome guitar, piano, lyrical and vocal powers but was doomed for eternity (until Mars waged war on the devil) to have a 'squished tomato nose, and the voice of a pre-pubescent cat having his testicles eaten by Your Mom'.
[edit] Early Days of Muse
After kidnapping Chris Wolstenholme and Dominic Howard in a unmarked space-van with the aid of Captain James T. Kirk, Muse were formed in a dense forest somewhere near Roswell, fifteen years in the future, though their existence cannot be proven as no one was in the forest to hear them fall. For nearly a decade, Matt kept his bandmembers in the half-buried wreck of his space craft, teaching them the ways of his culture, whilst he sought to perfect the ultimate Mattocaster3bijizillion in an effort to achieve a riff that would send them back to the past/present/future/depends-on-when-you're-reading-this-and-in-what-dimension you reside in order to make their music seem progressive to listeners. Eventually, Muse arrived in the barren wasteland or the late 1990's, riding upon a futuristic plectrum made of lime sorbert and Jeff Buckley's toenails.
Upon arriving in this period, he found that 15,000,000 Tibetan toenail clippers had been stolen by Chris Wolstenholme's great-grandfather's sister's daughter's dog's first-home's neighbour's long-long lost American cousin from the Democratic Republic Of Sunshine Mediocrity.
Upon hearing about this incident, he killed Chris Wolstenholme and replaced him with a rather dashing lookalike called Toucan Sam.
[edit] Matt's gear trashing capabiltities
Matt has been known to trash his own/his band's gear on many an occasion, usually jumping semi-sexually on top of Dom as he does so. His most famous is said to be Melbourne, Rod Laver Arena 2007, when he used his guitar and a revolver hidden inconspicuously down his pants to destroy the entire venue. He then used his prototype Martian Memory Ray (customized by famous baker, George Manson) to wipe the memories of the fans and organizers.
[edit] Ascension Comes
With the huge success of OverTheTop records, Origin of Symmetry and Absolution, Matt officially became a demi-god. His big headed-ness was replaced with humbleness. He received invites to live in Valhalla and Elysium but declined in favour of staying in the mortal world so he could continue his new project, to create the ultimate guitar.
Matt has recently ascended to the title of Sexiest Man Ever, as voted by The Interstellar Committee For Horny Individuals.
[edit] Alien Conspiracy?
There is some evidence that this story of Bellamy's life was invented as a cover story by his fellow natives of Sirius B-42-V to conceal the fact that he is actually an extra-terrestrial life-form. This appears to explain his unnaturally high, catchy, evil voice. Attempts by the CIA, ASS, FBI, MI6, the MIB and the EIB AND the PMS to capture and dissect Bellamy have been foiled by his army of mind-slaves known as "PMTers."
It is believed that Bellamy uses a combination of his unnaturally high voice and systematic thrusts during live concerts to synchronize with the brainwaves that allow humans to have rational thought. Upon doing this, Bellamy is free to toy with the minds of the some 10,000 individuals (at least) who attend each of their concerts. It is believed that at the end of each concert, Bellamy has converted 99.999999999993143% of the audience to his way of thought, and is gradually creating a world wide army. In light of this, George W. Bush Jr. has cleverly scheduled Muse to play at the Mongoose Festival. Here, Bush plans to destroy the master alien and thus, free the minds of the hundreds of thousands of Muse fans who have seen them live at some point in their life, ridding the world of the alien threat that is Bellamy's impending armies resting just outside the stratosphere. But despite this plan, grave concerns are still held for the 180,000 individuals who were converted to Muselamic beliefs during their two night stay at Wembley Stadium.
It is also theorized by the United States' leading conspiracy theorists that Wembley Stadium is in fact a giant spaceship, which Bellamy planned to fly away at the end of the concert, taking 90,000 individuals to his brainwashing facility on Sirius B-42-V. However due to technical difficulties and George Michael chewing through cabling two weeks earlier, Matt had to cancel the plans for a later date.
[edit] Mattocasters
The real reason for the feeling of massiveness we get when hearing one of Muse's songs, such as New Porn, or Marseille Syndrome is due to the power of his custom made guitars, the Mattocasters. Mattocastors are created by Hanson at their famous guitar shop in Nantes. Matt called in one day (As he had heard there were some pretty girls there), and knew as soon as he walked in that Hanson were the ones to make his new instruments. Some argue that these are the ultimate instruments of evil, and that they will one day destroy the planet. Others argue that they are a now a neccesity, and that without them, life would no longer be worth living. Currently there are around 10 Mattocastors in existence. The Mattocastors actually contain the living spirit of Jimi Hendrix's Gall bladder. They are infused with pure rock and none can break their funky shell. The Mattocasters were covered up by area 52 (across the road from 51) from 1408 to 1907. They were released to the world when Matt Bellamy grew 57 feet tall, crashed into area 52 and started the most orgasmic scream of his life, what his fans refer to as the "Mattzooka effect". The total ruleocity of this shattered the entire building, and the Mattocasters were free. Bellamy was quoted on the incident: "......Yeaaaaaaaaah."
- Silver Mattocaster: As well as being a crazy custom shape, this is fitted with a Z.Vex Fuzz Factory, MXR Phase 90 phaser, Seymour Duncan and Kent Armstrong pickups.
- Mattocaster MKII: New additions to this beast include hypnosis unit, and a hidden P-90 SMG to replace the Seymour Duncan pickup. It also occasionally fires lasers into the audience to slice off fans' fingers and harvest their rings for Matt to meld into a spaceship.
- Mattocastor MKIII: This one got a state of the art laser for slicing people up, as well as the technology to activate nucleur missiles from all US and Soviet bases. At a gig in Baghdad, the guitar was almost stolen by terrorists hailing from Derka Derkastan. However Pierre Kellyholmes and Dominique Howard foiled the plans just in the nick of time.
- Mattocaster MKIV: An upgrade of the original but with a vibrating neck to provide Matt with his own style of fuzz. Unfortnately, this new feature has not been used live yet as Matt is still trying to understand it at home.
- Various other Mattocasters: Currently these have been confiscated by MI5 and no further information can be given on them.
[edit] Vocal Chords
At a concert in the north pole, a doctor examined his vocal chords, coming to the conclusion: "They are made of pure solid awesomness!" Later reports confirm the previous statement was part of a test run of a newly installed gaydar. Which of course, has nothing to do with Mtt and Dom's casual sex affair, since they aren't gay.
[edit] PMTers
The PMTers are a group of obsessed,nymphomaniacs,crazy,OCD,mentally insane normal dedicated fan-girls who dedicate their time to post Belldom slash pictures of their god idol Matthew Bellamy.
[edit] Trivia
- The highest note he can hit is a G#22.
- Is able to recite the alphabet backwards in under 10 seconds[1], while standing on one leg, using his free foot to control his synth pad while making his trademark sex face[2] and humping his guitar[3] while playing the riff to Newborn with his shoes[4] and playing an RATM song on the piano, at a different tempo, with the foot he's standing on.
- unknown to most people there is a cult of Matt Bellamy where throwing guitars at people is an act of worship
- He is actually a tree dressed as a person. With more than one knob. Aye? AAAAAAYE?
