Mat Cauthon

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mat Cauthon.

Mat is a pimp. That's enough for one page, isn't it? No? Fine, here's some other shit.

edit Background

Matrim Cauthon, otherwise known as Mat or That Guy with the Hat, is a recurring minor character throughout The Wheel of Time. Despite constantly popping up, he lends absolutely nothing to the storyline whatever. His numerous antics include: sleeping with an Aiel, sleeping with that old MILF queen, sleeping with probably about a thousand barmaids, and sleeping with the future Empress of Seanchan. Apart from that, he pretty much just gambles and makes offhanded remarks about the other characters' coats and sexuality for thirteen entire books. He does, however, have a philosophical side, once going into incredible detail over just how important boots were. Of course it was nonsense, they're boots!

Mat also has a horn-blowing fetish, as demonstrated by the time he blew the Horn of Valere without any thought to the future reprecussions or consequences.

edit Allegations of Homosexuality

Despite his show of womanizing, doubts to Mat's sexuality had arisen in the time since he left the Two Rivers. Where once he was the picture of manliness, Mat has since taken on a liking for lace. In fact, he loves it, especially the pink kind. He thinks it's just so gosh darn fabulous! Needless to say, Mat denies these rumors tooth and nail, if to little effect.

edit Allegations of Gambling Addiction

Throughout the series, Mat has shown himself to be incapable of ever turning down a bet, especially, and I emphasize especially, when it concerns money. It doesn't matter what the stakes are, be they gold or turnips, or who could possibly be harmed and/or killed by his actions. The game is of similarly little consequence. Be it monoply, Poker, Blackjack, Monopoly, Slapjack, Uno, Battleship, Online Checkers, Backgammon, Monopoly, Chinese Checkers, Life, Mario Carts, Valkyrie Profile 2: Silmeria, Baldur's Gate 2, Bridge, monopoly, Deer Hunter 2, Runescape, Snakes and Ladders, monopoly, Leap Frog, Tales of the Abyss, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, Dominos, Monopoly Uno, Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, Tig (or Tag) Crash Bandicoot, World of Warcraft, Monopoly, Pokemon(it doesn't matter what version it is), Icewind Dale, Spyro, Simpsons Road Rage, Monopoly, Cluedo, Laser Tag, Monopoly, Freecell, Sly 3: Honor Among Thieves, monopoly Fable, Beer Pong, Tetris, God of War, Spider Solitaire, Sorry!, Final Fantasy or Minesweeper, he'll bet on it. He once even bet on Dungeons and Dragons to see who would get bored the fastest (it was him).

Mat has also been known to bet on real life situations. He once bet on the outcome of a battle, predicting he would lose,then allowed all his men to be slaughtered just so he could rub it their faces and collect his grand prize of lace and assorted toiletries.

Matdrunk

When Mat hits the bottle, he hits it hard.

edit Allegations of Alcholism and Sexual Pervert...ism

Regardless of circumstance, Mat is consistently drunk throughout the entire series. He is also perfectly willing to sleep with anyone (and I can't emphasize that enough), be they girl or guy. Evidence of this comes from the young boy Olver, who has told anyone who will listen that the gambler has sexually molested him many,many, times. Also, Mat's former wife Leilwin Shipless told the councilers about how he had gone after a Negro woman and ignored her for their total of two months of marriage. He outranks even Perrin in the number of people/animals that he has raped/molested, in any manner he pleases, either internally/externally. With Mat, the more the merrier. In any case, Mat is almost never sober, and if he is, he is smoking cigarettes/tobacco/pot/cocaine/heroin.

Matgambling

Mat needs to see a counselor.

Youcan'twin

Don't try to beat Mat at Go Fish. You just can't.

edit Mat Quotes

“FYI, I'm a womanizer, so fuck you Brittany Spears!”
~ Mat after listening to the dreaded song
“My dice! Where the mother fuckin' son of a bitchin' HELL are my dice?!!”
~ Mat, after discovering the loss of his most prized possessions
“Ha, go fish you sorry son of a bitch!”
~ Mat, his luck going strong
“Perrin, you should see more women. I mean, Faile? Really? For god sakes, she's got more balls than you do!”
~ Mat, pointing out the truth
“Colonel Mustard in the bloody kitchen with the pipe, hell fuckin' yeah!”
~ Mat likes to win
“Get these snakes and foxes OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!
~ Mat, going slightly insane
“Advance to go, collect two hundred dollars! Suck on that, Rand!!!”
~ Mat really likes to win.
“Break me off a piece of that dark chocolate.”
~ Mat, to Tuon
“Uno! You can't touch this, Fuckers!”
~ Mat, getting a little carried away
“By the way, Rand, I bet your soul to the Dark One to get my dice back. That's ok, right?”
~ Mat, being honest for once
“I take the goddamn shortcut through Licorice Canyon!”
~ Mat, untouchable as always
“I rolled a d20 and slayed the dragon, how about them apples, Rand?!!!”
~ Mat as he plays Dungeons and Dragons


edit See also

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