Mathematics

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“There are 3 types of people in the world. People who can count, and people who can't!”

~ Pythagora on Mathematics

MATHEMATICS IN ACTION: As can be easily seen, this practitioner of mathematics has clearly reached a level of competence far exceeding that of the average moron.

Mathematics is the hypothetical and blasphemous application of arbitrary rules to abstract constructs in an entirely ambiguous non-carbohydrase-based way. There are several strains of mathematics, each of which is potentially life threatening.

Approximately 94.35%^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]} of what one learns in Maths in school is useful; this includes such typical everyday occurances as calculating the tangent of a triangle, factorising in one's day to day life, the use of inequalities, irrational numbers, surds, standard form, simultaneous and quadratic equations, and calculating the mean average population of the known universe. Apart from helping enormously with life this sort of maths taught in school is interesting and useful for all career paths except maths teacher.

Originally, MATHS was designed to be an acronymn of Mathematical Anti-Telharsic Harfatum Septomin.

[edit] Strains of Mathematics

Among the various strains of mathematics, the most dangerous are generally considered to be Alge-bra, Alger-bra, Analysis, Set theory, Calculus, Cellular Automata, Algore-isms, Complex numbers, Geometry, Topology, Trigonometry, Number sense, Ump Studies, Statistics (69% of which contain sexual innuendo), Physics (i.e., making sure the missile lands exactly near the terrorists), and Floating Point Arithmetic.

[edit] Discovery of Mathematics

Mathematics came to earth upon a large space rock during the period of time when lizards ruled the earth. It is believed that the rock came from Mathamagic Land. As a result of the landing of the space rock, all the lizards died. Many years passed, and mathematics became a hidden element.

However, some people seem to believe that mathematics developed from counting, calculation, measurement, and other similar crap. It is hard to imagine something more non-sensical, but hey, nowadays, we have to give equal weights to all opinions, however silly they are, otherwise extremist people like the American Mathematical Sect may sue us, or, even worse, ring at our door to ask if we are interested in joining their ranks.

Fast forward to the 12th century (I've lost the remote)... Mathematics was rediscovered by Merlin, who was looking for a cure for having friends. His rediscovery was initially praised until people realized it caused the plague and killed them all.

Maths was forgotten after that incident, until it was re-discovered in 1903 by Albert Einstien. He wanted to split 6 chocolate biscuits between 2 friends evenly, but was unable to do it without maths. He then used this discovery to create his laws of relativity.

√ The root sign cannot be easily found on the internet and has been placed here under the care of Uncyclopedia for safekeeping.

Some people believe that mathematics are hard. This makes them weep.

[edit] The Mathematical Works of Merlin

Merlin worked very hard on his rediscovered mathematics. In fact, he worked so hard that he later went mad, and some guy called Newton had to finish it off for him. Nobody cares about Newton, though. He discovered the basic sub-elements which make up mathematics. They are as follows:

+	Plus	Take numbers, smash them together
-	Minus	Dig for gold or temporal flux
=	Double Minus	Dig twice for gold or temporal flux
+-	Plus Minus	This ingenious sign allows the user to either smash numbers together or dig for gold. Clever, eh?
/	Slash	Rock the numbers, the GNR way.
*	Star	Goto next level. This sub-element makes 42 and 16 possible.
X	Ex	Close the door, it's your Ex.
%	Comestible	This jackal corpse tastes terrible!
>	Down	Go down stairs
<	Up	Go up stairs
	Pi	Mmmm...pie is yummy. In America the latest version is named Beta House.
	Measure of 1337ness	Greater than .
log()	Log rhythm	What rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, rolls over your neighbor's dog?
		It fits on your back, it's great for a snack-
		it's log! log! log!
		Loo-og, loo-og, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood.
		Loo-og, loo-og, it's better than bad, it's good!
		Everyone wants a log. Come on and get your log. You're gonna love your log
		It's log! log! log!
e	just an alphabet kiddo why uncyclopedia for it	e for alephant.
ln()	A natural log.
Duraflame	An unnatural log.
sin()	Sin	Call up the bad guy from Final Fantasy X.
cos()	'Cus	Just because...
tan()	Tan	Get some sun.
\frac{}{}		You've been using LaTeX far too much.
sinh()	Hyperbolic sine	What the sun does, causing you to tan
cosh	Hyperbolic cosine	Used for hitting people over the head
i	The square root of minus one	kinda like a legal alternative to dividing by zero
arg()	The argument of a complex number	Pronounced arg, the last words of Joseph of Arimithea
<3	Less than three	We <3 less 10 tr33
MOD	Modulo	The remains of dividing, AKA your brother mad at you for not sharing Pie.
ERROR	Syntax/Mathematical	1/0

All of his findings were published in his greatest work, Spitzensparkin de Ninkumpoop, which was published in 1142.

[edit] Complexity of Mathematics

Complexity of maths = k[greekness]

[edit] Mathematics in Modern Times

Mathematics is fascinating. This graph shows pi multiplied by minus to create nitragoonium

In modern times, mathematics are used to prevent people from breeding, and to cure the common itch. The plague has been prevented in modern times due to the invention of mouldy bread.

But alas, the people weren't satisfied after they quit their itchin. Someone in the 18th century had to invent subfields of mathematics called calculus and trigonometry. As a result, the itching was replaced by burning and anal bleeding. Likewise, al Quaeda invented algebra, as a weapon to destroy the minds of the western world, (They succeeded) and named it for their leader, Gebra. Scientologists are still researching the effects of algebra today. Also remember that √onions = shallots.

In the early 70ties a significant discovery was made within the mathematics community. The dependence and interaction between mathematics and the environment. It was seen that mathematics was changing and adapting to environment. The discovery of "cafeteria mathematic", "late night disco logic", and "pre-school sugar-kick algebra" have since revlutionized the mathematics world, and energized a new generation of researchers. The break through was made by the elaborate proof of the long proposed "cafeteria bill division lemma" by Prof. Phd. Dr. Enzo Hammaromomogi. Professor Hammaromogis beautifull proof has released a whole range of interesting new research themes within environmental mathematics and logic.

[edit] What to do if you have been infected by mathematics

If you have been exposed to mathematics, and do not have mouldy bread... you are in deep trouble. Most likely, you will die without having any living children within an hour. If you have mouldy bread, you will be able to stave off the plague, and mate within an hour.

If you have been exposed to kory then you should kill yourself hyperbola, you must discontinue certain bodily functions right up your asymptote.

If you were exposed to calculus, you will be considered flaming and will need to be doused with water or smothered using a fire blanket or stomped on by a giant elephant. Remember not to drink and derive.

If you were exposed to trigonometry, treatment will vary depending on the strain. Please refer to the trigonometry article for proper treatment.

There is no known cure for algebra, but you might try getting drunk. That usually helps numb the pain of my algebra infection.

If exposed to statistics then euthanasia is your best option, though this can be seen as a sympotom of statistics. Alternatively take strong anti-depressants or try running in a logarithmic curve................................

how to forge maths

[edit] Intellectual safety levels

To protect the general public from potentially hazardous ideas, The United States Center for Cleverness Control and Prevention has classified various disciplines in levels of intellectual hazard, Level 1 being the minimal risk and Level 5 being the maximal risk.

• Intellectual Hazard Level 1: The study of successor functions and inductive sets

• Intellectual Hazard Level 2: Studying the image Frac(Z), Exponentiation, Study of the rings R[X],

• Intellectual Hazard Level 3: Game theory, Stochastics, Calculus, Number theory, Ordinary Differential Equations, Combinatorics

• Intellectual Hazard Level 4: Studying functions of complex numbers, Defining what it means to be "near" something else, Logic, Algebra (such as symmetries of squares), Analysis of things which change sets of points, Calculus of things where the end result changes a lot

• Intellectual Hazard Level 5: Talking about sets, Drawing pictures on surfaces, Studying curves, Relating slopes with functions, Functions acting on donuts, Studying why functions can't be extended to bigger sets.

In the world there are only 17 mathematics institutes with sufficient precautions to deal with Intellectual Hazard Level 4 subjects without the risk of ideas leaking outside, with a possible contamination of the general public. None of them can really handle Hazard Level 5. If such a leak ever did occur, the damage to most modern civilizations would be immense; however, most cultures south of the equator would survive. In fact, a few would prosper, and so some of them have attempted to send infiltrators to those institutions in the hopes of unleashing the chaos. I mean it really makes sense.

[edit] Mathemagicians

• Cauchy
• Theodore Kaczynski
• Big Norman
• Alan Turing
• Merlin
• Isaac Newton
• Pythagoras

[edit] True and falsehood in mathematics

It is a commonly-held misconception that . This idea was first published by Leonard Euler and is sometimes called Euler's identity (though, of course, Euler's true identity is shrouded in mystery).

	square both sides
	take the natural log-rhythm of both sides (This is impossible.)
	divide by i
	divide by pie

We sweep this inconvenience under the rug by multiplying both sides by zero.

Most rigorous mathematical proofs-by-contradiction involve this same slight of hand.

[edit] Maths Destroyed

Maths makes no fucking sense at all and doesn't in fact exist. It is believed it has been created by the company to distract people from their covert activities, but surely Jack Bauer by the next season will take the company down and hey no more mathematics, so just wait n watch 48 (television show).I have a marvellous proof but there is insufficient physical memory to upload it.

Disregard that a=b. Now multiply both sides by 'a'

add ''

subtract '2ab'

factorise both as a multiple of '(a-b)'

2a(a-b)=a(a-b)

divide both by 'a(a-b)'

2=1

Unfortunately, it is the case that when we venture to divide by a-b, we are in fact dividing by zero. By hypothesis, a=b, so a-b = 0...

As 2+2=5 5=2 and so 5=10 and 1 and so on and so forth.
//“Division by zero...”

~ The Math Teacher on Mathematics

[edit] Contradiction in mathematics

Mathematics was thought to be consistent for centuries, until one day, God became annoyed with the pedanticism , pedantry pederasty of mathematicians, and created the "self-containing set", thus allowing for contradiction in mathematics. The proof goes something like this, with G denoting the self-containing set:

G={G}

therefore G={G}={ {G} }

G={G}, {{G}}

G={G}={ {G}, {{G}} }

If G={G}, then |G|=1

But if G={ {G},{{G}} }, then |G|=2

Therefore logically, as both statements are certainly true, 1=2

Then, by the extended application of the basic axioms of mathematics (which were questionable to start with), any and all numbers on the complex plane become equal, and thus the whole fabric of mathematics dissolves into the simple statement x=y, with x and y being any 2 numbers. In response to this, mathematicians questioned God's motives (an act which is a contradiction in its own right), arguing that if this applied to mathematics, then it must apply to any universal object. God evaded this argument by making a deal with the mathemagicians. They got God's permission to keep mathematics as difficult as they liked and it was now, additionally, even more pointless than it was before. Any argument in mathematics can always, by definition, be reduced to x=y (x,y complex).

[edit] Mathematical Problems

The cross product of the thumb and the index finger.

Here are a number of simple mathematical problems you might like to try your hand at:

1) Jane is at the height of an arbitrary constant .
Jane is shorter than Willsy but taller than Lord Havilland.
Lord Havilland is taller than Amunra at a constant ratio of
Amunra is shorter than Willsy except when standing on a footstool approximately the height of Lord Havilland.
If Willsy approaches the speed of light while travelling at an equidistance of 34 nautical miles from Lord Havilland, how tall is Jane if accounting for Red Shift?

2) Prove the Riemann Hypothesis.

3) Two trains leave Chicago at 38:00, 38:20, and 38:40 respectively. One travels east and another north. The third train travels through the center of the planet. Most arrive elsewhere at some later time t. Assume a is your mother. Solve for t as a function of a, n, and x.

4) How many pounds of peanuts and filberts must be mixed to give a discount rate on markup of seventeen percent?

5) A farmer sells 2 bags of potatoes each of which contains 5 potatoes. That's 10 potatoes total. Write down "10" on a sheet of paper and circle it with a red pen. What is the radius of the circle?

6) Prove that P=NP for all N. This is as easy as dividing by P and proving that N=1, which many mathemagicians hypothesize to be true if 1 really is the largest number.

7) If five hot girls have a sleepover does hot lesbian sex always occur? And can I watch?

8) Did I leave the gas on?

[edit] Mathematical Facts (apparently)

• Maths makes no sense whatsoever.
• English and Political Science teachers have recently declared a state of war with Maths teachers. They are dull, and cannot stand any lucidity.
• There was once a man whom discovered that mathematical rules do not apply in case's where the mathematicians names have 7 letters in. Such as Matthew. A rule know as "7 lettered rule"

Normal Sum: 89 x 67 = 5963

Matthew's sum: 89 x 67 = 45

It is 45 for reasons known only by the discoverer of this rule. Unfortunately he died shortly before telling anyone. It is thought he told his son, Matthew. But Matthew disagreed and kept the secret with him to his grave.

It was believed by some that the rule also applies to blonds. But they soon found out that they were just getting it wrong.

Normal rules apply when nicknames reduce the number of letters. Such as : Matthew - Matt

[edit] See also

• 1
• Glossary of mathematical terms
• Intelligent Math
• Ethical Mathematics
• 0.999...
• Proof
• The Quantity 2 plus 4 times y = Your Mom
• Mushrooms
• Binary Mathematics
• Surds
• Bodmas
• Rumsfeldian Mathematics
• Math
• Algebra
• The Indestructible Properties

An important note: There are many spects of maths that will insure your success. Such is the Assumption technique. In maths, it is essential to assume; everything. Assume that something is missing ALWAYS. For example if you have a graph with two sides that is a perfectly normal graph, assume that there is no meaning whatsoever to the colours used. They may have an alterior motive but as long as you assume otherwise; you are a true mathematitian.