Masturbation (sport)

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An amateur masturbator

Masturbation is a competitive sport. It is necessary to distinguish amateur masturbation from professional masturbation. The former is the most famous and widely-practiced kind of sport on the planet; competitions in it are not contested. The latter is a complex sport which requires power, focus and self-control.

Male and female masturbation are treated as two separate disciplines, and each requires different skill sets to perfect it. Kevin Stagg is the current male world champion of masturbation and holds all-time world records in Speed Masturbation (2.5 seconds), Distance Masturbation (51ft 8in) and Weight Release (29.3 oz).

The 2016 Olympics will introduce masturbation as a "demonstration sport."

History

Masturbation as a sport was built upon the ground of similar competitions, which were practiced across several countries in ancient civilisations. Most prominent among these was the Pissing Contest, in which men took it in turns to urinate as high as possible on the side of a wall, a competition in which many leaders were selected. For these competitions a large custom-made wall was needed. Walls used for such competitions included the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and the side of the Pyramids of Giza. The Chinese had built the Great Wall, which was relatively short, but very long – due to the large population of China, this is the only way that a wall could accommodate all of the men. As time went by the need for height vastly outweighed how high a wall could be conceivably built, especially since the greatest competitors could piss over any wall. There was an attempt to build the Tower of Babel as the ultimate pissing target, but it was destroyed during construction. Then man discovered masturbation.

Male professional masturbation

Handjob machine

Due to issues of fairness, machines like this one are now outlawed in amateur competition.

Men compete in a wide variety of disciplines:

  • Speed Masturbation (a.k.a. Fast Release)
  • Distance Masturbation
  • Weight-Release
  • Shooting (various disciplines)
  • Triathlon

On the field of participation, women, or images of them, are strictly forbidden. In recent years, international masturbation has seen a rise in the number of homosexual competitors, who gain a large advantage merely by the presence of the other competitors. The 2011 meeting of the International Masturbation Committee (also known as the Circle Jerk) voted to ban gays from competition, but the result was overturned as the gays played their usual "discrimination" card. Debates continue to this day and there seems to be no solution, so the gays run rampant as usual.

Speed Masturbation

Upon the call to start, the competitor takes up his penis (the most key element in any masturbator) and, at the signal, begins to masturbate. The winner is the one who ejaculates first. All competitors start at the same time, and a false start is punished by disqualification.

As well as gays, a number of East Asians have established themselves as almost unbeatable in speed masturbation, due to the fact that their small penises contain a higher concentration of nerve endings, leading to ejaculation being possible in less than five seconds.

Distance Masturbation

The participant has three attempts; however, only one is used usually, as very little ejaculating power remains after the first. In this discipline a great deal of self-control is needed to time the ejaculation exactly right to launch it far enough. In the early days of distance masturbation, there was no time limit. That changed after the 1912 World Tour's Vienna stop, when one participant delayed the entire contest by taking over 18 hours for his shot. The time was then limited to 1 hour.

Weight-Release

The participant has only one attempt to masturbate directly onto ultra-precise scales, and the winner is the one who deposits the greatest mass of semen. As with many other sports, the problem of doping is rife in weight-release masturbation. Using certain forbidden medicines, participants could make their semen extremely dense, giving a much greater mass for a relatively smaller volume. Ben Johnson, following his life ban from athletics, attempted to forge a career in weight-release, but failed tests once again.

Shooting

Shooting has three varieties: target shoot, clay-pigeon shoot and “Running Wife”.

The target shoot is self-explanatory, except if you're from Mexico. So, for Mexicans: el sportsmano shoots el centro del targeto with el cockjuicio.

In the clay-pigeon shoot, participants try to hit a small flying plate from a standing start. This particular event was almost banned by US authorities for the 1991 Masturbation Cup at Intercourse, PA because of accusations of bestiality.

The "Running Wife" is the event given the most attention among shooting events. It is unique among masturbation events in that women can be present. Until recently, live women were used as "Running Wife" targets; however, due to women's rights activists, the live women have been replaced with images as of 2000. Extra points are given for shots which hit the breasts, mouth, vagina or anus. Condoleezza Rice, before her political career, became known for being the premier "Running Wife" target, and the star attraction at the Masturbation Cup's shooting events.

Triathlon

Triathlon is the complex of fast release, broad release and weight release. Participants have only one attempt. Winner is recognized for the sum of points. This kind of program is very hard tactically because sportsmen have to do various things at the same time. Willpower and stamina will be put to the test on this program. "It is all about the mind and the body, united into perfection" said Fapperson, the current Masturbation Triathlon Champion Holder. The triathlon is a program that is potentially fatal for most sportsmen except for those who have vast experience in all of the programs involved. Inexperienced masturbators may severely injure themselves as the fatigue may damage the nervous system as well as the muscular system. In official Masturbation Triathlon contests, sportsmen are commonly found fainted a couple of minutes after the program as a result of over-exhaustion, internal bleeding or even stroke.

Woman’s program

Woman’s competition is an always free performance with music, usually involving several french horns, zithers, 5 string banjos and harpsichords (and all players taking turns fisting each other). There are several different variations, with competitions involving solely fingers, as well as dildos and vibrators with different matches for different sizes. Squirting is key, and contests are judged on time, technique, amount of cum, quality of cum (color, taste etc.) Needless to say, if your interest is not piqued you must be either comatose or retarded. Or perhaps both at the same time. Either way, whoever you are, why don't you go and smoke a bowl instead of reading the rest of this shitty article? I just popped in here to add my say in this otherwise pathetic article. The subject matter is actually of grave importance to me, and I hope that someone with stronger resolve then myself can do it some justice. Anyways, I'm too fucked up to say anything more, please someone fix this motherfucker. If you wanna masturbate, get horny and watch some Redtube or watch videos of hot guys having a large boner.. and finger yourself then rub your clit until you feel like yo mama likes it.

Personnel program

During 15 minutes participant masturbate by hands or dildo. The arbiters appreciate: exactness and beauty of movies, artistry, hair-dress on genitals, and quantity of orgasms. Participant, who imitates orgasm, is disqualified immediately.

Command program

Performance is same, but is provided by 8 sportswomen. Extra the arbiters appreciate synchronism of command’s movements including synchronism of orgasms.

Training of sportsman

Training of sportsman is beginning at 10-12 age in youth clubs “Skilful Hands” (for men) and “Soft Toy” (for women). Sportsman-masturbator leads harsh and ascetic life. Contacts with representatives of opposite gender are excluded absolutely. It is clear, trainer give possibility to young sportsmen to do 1-2 coitus. After it sportsmen believe that coitus is miserable surrogate of left hand. It is forbidden to eat some food, which is recognized by WAF as doping. During process of training images of opposite gender are used but trainer fully consistent limits the use. A lot of sportsmen which show considerable promise were fired from sporting schools for visit to porno sites.

Onanwarrior

SS-man masturbator. 15th Brigade SS, 1942

Military usage

Like the discus throw, equestrianism, and the triathlon, competitive masturbation became a sport partly because of its applicability to war and survival. In any army, masturbation is a key part of basic training. The common soldier is often occupied by amateur masturbation; it aids physical and psychological alertness and boosts morale in any company. (This, incidentally, is why common soldiers are called "privates".)

However, there are elite formations of warrior-masturbators, who are trained in such a way that they can fire off sperm in any conditions and strike enemies with the greatest of accuracy. During the harsh years of World War II formations of warrior-masturbators achieved their greatest glories. In particular, in 1944, masturbating snipers stopped German tanks during the recapturing of France by clogging their vision slits and weapons with semen.

Scandals of professional masturbation

The sport of masturbation is not without its fair share of scandals. For example, during the 1984 Masturbation World Tour's stop in Russia, a competitor's assistant showed hot favorite Chic Morris a nude picture of Madeline Albright. Even the strength of Morris's mind and body was unable to overcome the repulsive image, and he became impotent from that point on, ending his masturbation career.

Doping scandals are almost an everyday occurrence among professional masturbators. For example, Bruce Willis was revealed to have used creams to aid his Masturbation Cup victories in the late 1980s. Similarly, David Beckham was recently exposed as having taken unlawful amounts of nuts and celery, while former MLB star, Wade Boggs was caught after the competition for using Viagra in an attempt to get more "funk" from his "junk".

Television

NBC currently broadcasts a popular show called "Do It Yourself", in which celebrities team up with professional masturbators in order to win $25,000 for their chosen charity. Attempts have been made to create a version for Britain, but English sensibilities have prevented the show from finding a broadcaster.

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