Masturbation (sport)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 11:38, August 18, 2013 by Tyrone McGee (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
“I'm a excellent lover, 'cause I practise a lot by myself.”
~ Woody Allen on masturbation

Masturbation is a kind of sport. It is necessary to distinguish amateur masturbation from professional masturbation. The former is the most famous and widely-practiced kind of sport on the planet; competitions in it are not contested. The latter is a complex sport which requires power, focus and self-control.

Male and female masturbation are treated as two separate disciplines, and each requires different skill sets to perfect it. Kevin Stagg is the current male world champion of masturbation and holds all-time world records in Speed Masturbation (2.5 seconds), Distance Masturbation (51ft 8in) and Weight Release (29.3 oz).


An amateur masturbator


Masturbation as a sport was built upon the ground of similar competitions, which were practiced across several countries in ancient civilisations. Most prominent among these was the Pissing Contest, in which men took it in turns to urinate as high as possible on the side of a wall, a competition in which many leaders were selected. For these competitions a large custom-made wall was needed. Walls used for such competitions included the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and the side of the Pyramids of Giza. The Chinese had built the Great Wall, which was relatively short, but very long – due to the large population of China, this is the only way that a wall could accommodate all of the men. As time went by the need for height vastly outweighed how high a wall could be conceivably built, especially since the greatest competitors could piss over any wall. There was an attempt to build the Tower of Babel as the ultimate pissing target, but it was destroyed during construction. Then man discovered masturbation.

Man’s program

Handjob machine

Due to issues of fairness, machines like this one are now outlawed in amateur competition.

Men compete in follow kind of program:

  • Speed Masturbation (a.k.a. Fast Release)
  • Distance Masturbation
  • Weight Release
  • Shooting (various disciplines)
  • Triathlon

In sport hall the women or those images mustn’t be during man’s contests. Curiously, at last time among sportsman-masturbators has appeared a lot of gays, which see to men and get inestimable advantage by this way. This problem is not solved still.

Speed Masturbation

After of arbiter command “Ready” sportsman takes his (it is important!) penis and after signal begin to masturbate. Winner is who will have reached ejaculation quickly. Contests are provided as in mass start as in separate start. Fall start is punished: sportsman is removed from competitions. Two attempts go to the reckoning – by right hand and by left hand.

At last time in this kind of program hegemony of Japan and Chinese professionals is established. They can reach ejaculation before two or three movies by hand.

Distance Masturbation

Participant has three attempts, however one attempt is used usually, as even one takes off many power. In this kind of program is important to have a good self-control which allows making release at optimal moment. Earlier the time for attempt wasn’t limited. However, during competition for Cup of Europe at Vienna 1908, a famous sportsman Adolph Hitler is wasting for attempt 18 hours 37 minutes 39 seconds and WAF (World Automanipulation Federation) limited time for attempt to 2 hours.

Weight Release

Participant has only one attempt. Winner is recognized by deliberation of sperm portion on super precisely scales. In frames of this program self control is important too. Problem of doping becomes very relevant in weight release. By way of use forbidden medicines, sportsmen reach to super density of sperm; as a result the sperm has big weight under comparatively small volume.


Shooting has three varieties: shooting to circle target, stand shooting and “Running Wife”.

When shooting to circle target sportsman try to hit by sperm to center of circle target from various distance.

When stand shooting sportsman try to hit to flying small plate.

The "Running Wife" is the event given the most attention among shooting events. It is unique among masturbation events in that women can be present. Until recently, live women were used as "Running Wife" targets; however, due to women's rights activists, the live women have been replaced with images as of 2000. Extra points are given for shots which hit the breasts, mouth, vagina or anus. Condoleezza Rice, before her political career, became known for being the premier "Running Wife" target, and the star attraction at the Masturbation Cup's shooting events.


Triathlon is the complex of fast release, broad release and weight release. Participants have only one attempt. Winner is recognized for the sum of points. This kind of program is very hard tactically because sportsmen have to do various things at the same time. Willpower and stamina will be put to the test on this program. "It is all about the mind and the body, united into perfection" said Fapperson, the current Masturbation Triathlon Champion Holder. The triathlon is a program that is potentially fatal for most sportsmen except for those who have vast experience in all of the programs involved. Inexperienced masturbators may severely injure themselves as the fatigue may damage the nervous system as well as the muscular system. In official Masturbation Triathlon contests, sportsmen are commonly found fainted a couple of minutes after the program as a result of over-exhaustion, internal bleeding or even stroke.

Woman’s program

Woman’s competition is an always free performance with music, usually involving several french horns, zithers, 5 string banjos and harpsichords (and all players taking turns fisting each other). There are several different variations, with competitions involving solely fingers, as well as dildos and vibrators with different matches for different sizes. Squirting is key, and contests are judged on time, technique, amount of cum, quality of cum (color, taste etc.) Needless to say, if your interest is not piqued you must be either comatose or retarded. Or perhaps both at the same time. Either way, whoever you are, why don't you go and smoke a bowl instead of reading the rest of this shitty article? I just popped in here to add my say in this otherwise pathetic article. The subject matter is actually of grave importance to me, and I hope that someone with stronger resolve then myself can do it some justice. Anyways, I'm too fucked up to say anything more, please someone fix this motherfucker. If you wanna masturbate, get horny and watch some Redtube or watch videos of hot guys having a large boner.. and finger yourself then rub your clit until you feel like yo mama likes it.

Personnel program

During 15 minutes participant masturbate by hands or dildo. The arbiters appreciate: exactness and beauty of movies, artistry, hair-dress on genitals, and quantity of orgasms. Participant, who imitates orgasm, is disqualified immediately.

Command program

Performance is same, but is provided by 8 sportswomen. Extra the arbiters appreciate synchronism of command’s movements including synchronism of orgasms.

Training of sportsman

Training of sportsman is beginning at 10-12 age in youth clubs “Skilful Hands” (for men) and “Soft Toy” (for women). Sportsman-masturbator leads harsh and ascetic life. Contacts with representatives of opposite gender are excluded absolutely. It is clear, trainer give possibility to young sportsmen to do 1-2 coitus. After it sportsmen believe that coitus is miserable surrogate of left hand. It is forbidden to eat some food, which is recognized by WAF as doping. During process of training images of opposite gender are used but trainer fully consistent limits the use. A lot of sportsmen which show considerable promise were fired from sporting schools for visit to porno sites.


SS-man masturbator. 15th Brigade SS. Ost front, 1942

Applied significance

In any army and navy forces studies by masturbation are a part of obligatory training of soldier or mariner. In average formation soldiers are engaged by amateur masturbation; it is assists to physical and psychological alertness and makes better morale in collective. However, there are elite formations of warriors-masturbators. Commandos, who are trained is such formation can shoot in any situations and any weather conditions, neatly striking enemies by sperm. At harsh years of WW2 formations of warriors-masturbators got a unfading glory. In particular, at 1944 in France snipers of 82nd Detached Brigade of Masturbators (US Army) were striking 63 German tanks, closing up vision slit by sperm.

Scandals of professional masturbation

The sport of masturbation is not without its fair share of scandals. For example, during the 1981 Masturbation World Tour's stop in Russia, a competitor's assistant showed hot favorite Chuck Norris a nude picture of Madeline Albright. Even the strength of Norris's mind and body was unable to overcome the repulsive image, and he became impotent from that point on, ending his masturbation career.

Doping scandals are almost an everyday occurrence among professional masturbators. For example, Bruce Willis was revealed to have used creams to aid his Masturbation Cup victories in the late 1980s. Similarly, David Beckham was recently exposed as having taken unlawful amounts of nuts and celery. While former MLB star, Wade Boggs was caught after the competition for using Viagra in an attempt to get more "funk" from his "junk".


NBC currently broadcasts a popular show called "Do It Yourself", in which celebrities team up with professional masturbators in order to win $25,000 for their chosen charity. Attempts have been made to create a version for Britain, but English sensibilities have prevented the show from finding a broadcaster.

Personal tools