Masturbation (sport)

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“I'm a excellent lover, 'cause I practise a lot by myself.”
~ Woody Allen on masturbation

Masturbation is a kind of sport. It is necessary to distinguish amateur masturbation from professional masturbation. The former is the most famous and widely-practiced kind of sport on the planet; competitions in it are not contested. The latter is a complex sport which requires power, focus and self-control.

Male and female masturbation are treated as two separate disciplines, and each requires different skill sets to perfect it. Kevin Stagg is the current male world champion of masturbation and holds titles in the tricky quicky (2.5 seconds), the Subway 5-Dollar-Foot-Long triathlon (47 hours non-stop), and the long distance shot (15.75 meters).

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Amateur-masturbator

History

Amateur masturbation had appeared in the same time with Homo sapiens. Inclination to sport was part of man nature always. However, at that ancient time there wasn’t enough training apparatus ‘Kettler”, stone balls was not comfortable and combats always did bring to decrease of population. It was necessary to think out something simply, what was not required equipment. And so primitive man reflected by primitive mind and solved: if my hand can hold stick, it can hold joystick… By this way amateur masturbation had appeared. However, it was still a long way to sporting masturbation.

Masturbation as sport was created on the ground of competitions, which had a wide distribution among various nations and at various places. These competitions represent competitions when participant must piss on a wall higher than other participants. Through this, leaders of social groups were recognized. For these competitions equipment was needed – a wall. Several famous walls are the “Walls of Cry” in Jerusalem and walls of the Pyramids of Giza. The Chinese had built the Great Wall, which is comparatively not very high, but is very long – due to a large population of Chinese men. The last wall was the Berlin wall. As time goes by the need for height vastly outweighed how high a wall could be conceivably built, especially since a real professional can piss over any wall. There was attempt to build the Tower of Babel, but it was destroyed during construction. Then man discovered masturbation.

Man’s program

Handjob machine
Due to issues of fairness, machines like this one are now outlawed in amateur competition.

Men compete in follow kind of program:

  • Masturbation for speed (so-called Fast release)
  • Broad release
  • Weight release
  • Shooting (in various complexes of exercises)
  • Triathlon

In sport hall the women or those images mustn’t be during man’s contests (exception is one kind of shooting (see below). Curiously, at last time among sportsman-masturbators has appeared a lot of gays, which see to men and get inestimable advantage by this way. This problem is not solved still.

Fast release

After of arbiter command “Ready” sportsman takes his (it is important!) penis and after signal begin to masturbate. Winner is who will have reached ejaculation quickly. Contests are provided as in mass start as in separate start. Fall start is punished: sportsman is removed from competitions. Two attempts go to the reckoning – by right hand and by left hand.

At last time in this kind of program hegemony of Japan and Chinese professionals is established. They can reach ejaculation before two or three movies by hand.

Broad release

Participant has three attempts, however one attempt is used usually, as even one takes off many power. In this kind of program is important to have a good self-control which allows making release at optimal moment. Earlier the time for attempt wasn’t limited. However, during competition for Cup of Europe at Vienna 1908, a famous sportsman Adolph Hitler is wasting for attempt 18 hours 37 minutes 39 seconds and WAF (World Automanipulation Federation) limited time for attempt to 2 hours.

Winner is who is shooting by sperm to the largest length

Weight release

Participant has only one attempt. Winner is recognized by deliberation of sperm portion on super precisely scales. In frames of this program self control is important too. Problem of doping becomes very relevant in weight release. By way of use forbidden medicines, sportsmen reach to super density of sperm; as a result the sperm has big weight under comparatively small volume.

Shooting

Shooting has three varieties: shooting to circle target, stand shooting and “Running Wife”. When shooting to circle target sportsman try to hit by sperm to center of circle target from various distance. When stand shooting sportsman try to hit to flying small plate. Special attention is necessary to give such exercise as “Running Wife”. It is unique sort of program, where use of women is acceptably. Earlier in the face of sportsmen live women was running; at this moment live women is changed to image. Points are added for hits to some part of body: genitals, ass, bosom, mouth.

Triathlon

Triathlon is the complex of fast release, broad release and weight release. Participants have only one attempt. Winner is recognized for the sum of points. This kind of program is very hard tactically because sportsmen have to do various things at the same time. Willpower and stamina will be put to the test on this program. "It is all about the mind and the body, united into perfection" said Fapperson, the current Masturbation Triathlon Champion Holder. The triathlon is a program that is potentially fatal for most sportsmen except for those who have vast experience in all of the programs involved. Inexperienced masturbators may severely injure themselves as the fatigue may damage the nervous system as well as the muscular system. In official Masturbation Triathlon contests, sportsmen are commonly found fainted a couple of minutes after the program as a result of over-exhaustion, internal bleeding or even stroke.

Woman’s program

Woman’s competition is an always free performance with music, usually involving several french horns, zithers, 5 string banjos and harpsichords (and all players taking turns fisting each other). There are several different variations, with competitions involving solely fingers, as well as dildos and vibrators with different matches for different sizes. Squirting is key, and contests are judged on time, technique, amount of cum, quality of cum (color, taste etc.) Needless to say, if your interest is not piqued you must be either comatose or retarded. Or perhaps both at the same time. Either way, whoever you are, why don't you go and smoke a bowl instead of reading the rest of this shitty article? I just popped in here to add my say in this otherwise pathetic article. The subject matter is actually of grave importance to me, and I hope that someone with stronger resolve then myself can do it some justice. Anyways, I'm too fucked up to say anything more, please someone fix this motherfucker. If you wanna masturbate, get horny and watch some Redtube or watch videos of hot guys having a large boner.. and finger yourself then rub your clit.

Personnel program

During 15 minutes participant masturbate by hands or dildo. The arbiters appreciate: exactness and beauty of movies, artistry, hair-dress on genitals, and quantity of orgasms. Participant, who imitates orgasm, is disqualified immediately.

Command program

Performance is same, but is provided by 8 sportswomen. Extra the arbiters appreciate synchronism of command’s movements including synchronism of orgasms.

Training of sportsman

Training of sportsman is beginning at 10-12 age in youth clubs “Skilful Hands” (for men) and “Soft Toy” (for women). Sportsman-masturbator leads harsh and ascetic life. Contacts with representatives of opposite gender are excluded absolutely. It is clear, trainer give possibility to young sportsmen to do 1-2 coitus. After it sportsmen believe that coitus is miserable surrogate of left hand. It is forbidden to eat some food, which is recognized by WAF as doping. During process of training images of opposite gender are used but trainer fully consistent limits the use. A lot of sportsmen which show considerable promise were fired from sporting schools for visit to porno sites. Sachin Tendulkar is the legend of this game!

Onanwarrior
SS-man masturbator. 15th Brigade SS. Ost front, 1942

Applied significance

In any army and navy forces studies by masturbation are a part of obligatory training of soldier or mariner. In average formation soldiers are engaged by amateur masturbation; it is assists to physical and psychological alertness and makes better morale in collective. However, there are elite formations of warriors-masturbators. Commandos, who are trained is such formation can shoot in any situations and any weather conditions, neatly striking enemies by sperm. At harsh years of WW2 formations of warriors-masturbators got a unfading glory. In particular, at 1944 in France snipers of 82nd Detached Brigade of Masturbators (US Army) were striking 63 German tanks, closing up vision slit by sperm.

Scandals of professional masturbation

Bean counter force sportsmen to make various mean actions. So, for example, during tour of famous masturbator and repeated World Champion (triathlon) Chuck Norris in Russia, somebody was showing to Chuck photo of nude Madeline Albright. It is clear the thin mind of sportsmen did not endured test and now Chuck is impotent. It is means finish of career.

Doping scandals are everyday occurrence among professional masturbators. For example, Bruce Willis is exposed in the use of cream and David Beckham in the use of nuts and celery.

Trivia

  • George W. Bush is thrice-repeated champion of USA among students and now takes a part in competitions among veterans.
  • Condoleeza Rice in time of youth is used like target in program “Running Wife”
  • NBC prepares TV-show “Do it yourself” where together with famous sportsmen-masturbators the stars of music and movie will be performed.
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