Masturbation (sport)

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{{Q|I'm a excellent lover, 'cause I practise a lot by myself.|[[Woody Allen]]|masturbation}}
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[[File:L1048750776.jpg|thumb|An amateur masturbator]]
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'''Masturbation''' is a competitive sport. It is necessary to distinguish amateur masturbation from professional masturbation. The former is the most famous and widely-practiced kind of sport on the planet; competitions in it are not contested. The latter is a complex sport which requires power, focus and self-control.
   
'''Masturbation''' is a kind of sport. It is necessary to distinguish amateur masturbation from professional masturbation. The former is the most famous and widely-practiced kind of sport on the planet; competitions in it are not contested. The latter is a complex sport which requires power, focus and self-control.
+
Male and female masturbation are treated as two separate disciplines, and each requires different skill sets to perfect it. Kevin Stagg is the current male world champion of masturbation and holds all-time world records in Speed Masturbation (2.5 seconds), Distance Masturbation (51ft 8in) and Weight Release (29.3 oz).
   
Male and female masturbation are treated as two separate disciplines, and each requires different skill sets to perfect it. Kevin Stagg is the current male world champion of masturbation and holds titles in the tricky quicky (2.5 seconds), the Subway 5-Dollar-Foot-Long triathlon (47 hours non-stop), and the long distance shot (15.75 meters).
+
The 2016 Olympics will introduce masturbation as a "demonstration sport."
   
[[Image:l1048750776.jpg|thumb|Amateur-masturbator]]
 
 
== History ==
 
== History ==
   
Amateur masturbation had its origins in the dawn of the human race. As always, it wasn't long before the desire arose to make it into a competition. However, at that ancient time there wasn’t enough training apparatus ‘Kettler”, stone balls was not comfortable and combats always did bring to decrease of population. It was necessary to think out something simply, what was not required equipment.
+
Masturbation as a sport was built upon the ground of similar competitions, which were practiced across several countries in ancient civilisations. Most prominent among these was the Pissing Contest, in which men took it in turns to urinate as high as possible on the side of a wall, a competition in which many leaders were selected. For these competitions a large custom-made wall was needed. Walls used for such competitions included the Wailing Wall in [[Jerusalem]] and the side of the Pyramids of Giza. The Chinese had built the [[Great Wall]], which was relatively short, but very long – due to the large population of China, this is the only way that a wall could accommodate all of the men. As time went by the need for height vastly outweighed how high a wall could be conceivably built, especially since the greatest competitors could piss over any wall. There was an attempt to build the [[Tower of Babel]] as the ultimate pissing target, but it was destroyed during construction. Then man discovered masturbation.
And so primitive man reflected by primitive mind and solved: if my hand can hold stick, it can hold joystick… By this way amateur masturbation had appeared. However, it was still a long way to sporting masturbation.
 
   
Masturbation as sport was created on the ground of competitions, which had a wide distribution among various nations and at various places. These competitions represent competitions when participant must piss on a wall higher than other participants. Through this, leaders of social groups were recognized. For these competitions equipment was needed – a wall. Several famous walls are the “Walls of Cry” in [[Jerusalem]] and walls of the Pyramids of Giza. The Chinese had built the [[Great Wall]], which is comparatively not very high, but is very long – due to a large population of Chinese men. The last wall was the Berlin wall. As time goes by the need for height vastly outweighed how high a wall could be conceivably built, especially since a real professional can piss over any wall. There was attempt to build the [[Tower of Babel]], but it was destroyed during construction. Then man discovered masturbation.
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== Male professional masturbation==
 
== Man’s program ==
 
   
 
[[Image:Handjob_machine.jpg|thumb|Due to issues of fairness, machines like this one are now outlawed in amateur competition.]]
 
[[Image:Handjob_machine.jpg|thumb|Due to issues of fairness, machines like this one are now outlawed in amateur competition.]]
Men compete in follow kind of program:
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Men compete in a wide variety of disciplines:
   
* Masturbation for speed (so-called Fast release)
+
* Speed Masturbation (a.k.a. Fast Release)
* Broad release
+
* Distance Masturbation
* Weight release
+
* Weight-Release
* Shooting (in various complexes of exercises)
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* Shooting (various disciplines)
 
* Triathlon
 
* Triathlon
   
In sport hall the women or those images mustn’t be during man’s contests (exception is one kind of shooting (see below). Curiously, at last time among sportsman-masturbators has appeared a lot of gays, which see to men and get inestimable advantage by this way. This problem is not solved still.
+
On the field of participation, women, or images of them, are strictly forbidden. In recent years, international masturbation has seen a rise in the number of [[homosexual]] competitors, who gain a large advantage merely by the presence of the other competitors. The Fall 2011 meeting of the International Masturbation Committee (also known as the Circle Jerk) voted to ban gays from competition, but the result was overturned as the gays played their usual [[HowTo:Fuck Off|"discrimination"]] card. Debates continue to this day and there seems to be no solution, so the gays run rampant as usual.
  +
  +
===Speed Masturbation===
  +
  +
Upon the call to start, the competitor takes up his penis (the most key element in any masturbator) and, at the signal, begins to masturbate. The winner is the one who ejaculates first. All competitors start at the same time, and a false start is punished by disqualification.
  +
  +
As well as gays, a number of [[Japan|East]] [[China|Asians]] have established themselves as almost unbeatable in speed masturbation, due to the fact that their small penises contain a higher concentration of nerve endings, leading to ejaculation being possible in less than five seconds.
  +
  +
===Distance Masturbation===
  +
  +
The participant has three attempts; however, only one is used usually, as very little ejaculating power remains after the first. In this discipline a great deal of self-control is needed to time the ejaculation exactly right to launch it far enough. In the early days of distance masturbation, there was no time limit. That changed after the 1912 World Tour's Vienna stop, when one participant (Wilberforce Fapperson, patriarch of the legendary Fapperson dynasty) delayed the entire contest by taking over 18 hours for his shot. The time was then limited to 1 hour.
  +
  +
===Weight-Release===
   
===Fast release===
+
The participant has only one attempt to masturbate directly onto ultra-precise scales, and the winner is the one who deposits the greatest mass of semen. As with many other sports, the problem of doping is rife in weight-release masturbation. Using certain forbidden medicines, participants could make their semen extremely dense, giving a much greater mass for a relatively smaller volume. Ben Johnson, following his life ban from athletics, attempted to forge a career in weight-release, but failed tests once again.
   
After of arbiter command “Ready” sportsman takes his (it is important!) penis and after signal begin to masturbate. Winner is who will have reached ejaculation quickly. Contests are provided as in mass start as in separate start. Fall start is punished: sportsman is removed from competitions. Two attempts go to the reckoning – by right hand and by left hand.
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===Shooting===
   
At last time in this kind of program hegemony of [[Japan]] and [[Chinese]] professionals is established. They can reach ejaculation before two or three movies by hand.
+
Shooting has three varieties: target shoot, clay-pigeon shoot and “Running Wife”.
   
=== Broad release ===
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The target shoot is self-explanatory, except if you're from [[Mexico]], as their representatives can attest.<ref>It is thought of as "rather strange" that a country so experienced with guns and shooting cannot hit a target to save their lives. Must be [[Stormtrooper]]s.</ref>
   
Participant has three attempts, however one attempt is used usually, as even one takes off many power. In this kind of program is important to have a good self-control which allows making release at optimal moment. Earlier the time for attempt wasn’t limited. However, during competition for Cup of Europe at Vienna 1908, a famous sportsman [[Adolph Hitler]] is wasting for attempt 18 hours 37 minutes 39 seconds and WAF (World Automanipulation Federation) limited time for attempt to 2 hours.
+
In the clay-pigeon shoot, participants try to hit a small flying plate from a standing start. This particular event was almost banned by US authorities for the 1991 Masturbation Cup at Intercourse, [[Pennsylvania|PA]] because of accusations of [[bestiality]].
   
Winner is who is shooting by sperm to the largest length
+
The "Running Wife" is the event given the most attention among shooting events. It is unique among masturbation events in that women can be present. Until recently, live women were used as "Running Wife" targets; however, due to [[Lesbian|women's rights activists]], the live women have been replaced with images as of 2000. Extra points are given for shots which hit the breasts, mouth, vagina or anus. Condoleezza Rice, before her political career, became known for being the premier "Running Wife" target, and the star attraction at the Masturbation Cup's shooting events.
   
=== Weight release ===
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===The Masturbation Triathlon===
   
Participant has only one attempt. Winner is recognized by deliberation of sperm portion on super precisely scales. In frames of this program self control is important too. Problem of [[doping]] becomes very relevant in weight release. By way of use forbidden medicines, sportsmen reach to super density of sperm; as a result the sperm has big weight under comparatively small volume.
+
The Masturbation Triathlon is made up of speed, distance, and weight-release events. Participants have only one attempt at each and the winner is the person who performs the best points total. This is known to be the most difficult event to perform in because of the extreme requirement of willpower and stamina. Dick Jerkmann, the former 12-time Masturbation Triathlon World Champion, perhaps put it best when he said "It's all about the strength of the mind, body and penis, united to make up the perfect display of monkey-spanking".
   
=== Shooting ===
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Fatalities are often recorded at Triathlon events because of some competitors' inexperience, the fatigue damaging the nervous system as well as the arm muscles. Sportsmen are often found collapsed a couple of minutes into the event (usually during the distance release) due to over-exhaustion, internal bleeding, or even (ironically) a stroke.
   
Shooting has three varieties: shooting to circle target, stand shooting and “Running Wife”.
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==Female professional masturbation==
When shooting to circle target sportsman try to hit by sperm to center of circle target from various distance.
 
When stand shooting sportsman try to hit to flying small plate.
 
Special attention is necessary to give such exercise as “Running Wife”. It is unique sort of program, where use of women is acceptably. Earlier in the face of sportsmen live women was running; at this moment live women is changed to image. Points are added for hits to some part of body: genitals, ass, bosom, mouth.
 
   
===Triathlon===
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The female masturbation competitions take the form of an artistic performance with a full musical orchestra, usually involving [[Spain|Spanish]] guitars, [[France|French]] horns and [[Fat|All-American]] dildos. There are many different variations, with competitions involving the fingers only, as well as various dildos and vibrators, matched based on their size.
   
Triathlon is the complex of fast release, broad release and weight release. Participants have only one attempt. Winner is recognized for the sum of points. This kind of program is very hard tactically because sportsmen have to do various things at the same time. Willpower and stamina will be put to the test on this program. "It is all about the mind and the body, united into perfection" said Fapperson, the current Masturbation Triathlon Champion Holder. The triathlon is a program that is potentially fatal for most sportsmen except for those who have vast experience in all of the programs involved. Inexperienced masturbators may severely injure themselves as the fatigue may damage the nervous system as well as the muscular system. In official Masturbation Triathlon contests, sportsmen are commonly found fainted a couple of minutes after the program as a result of over-exhaustion, internal bleeding or even stroke.
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A little known fact is that most female masturbation videos on sites like [[Pornography|Pornhub]] are actually audition videos for each woman's respective national masturbation team. This is what most people use to tide them over between Masturbation Cups.
   
==Woman’s program==
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===Solo Artistic Masturbation===
   
Woman’s competition is an always free performance with music, usually involving several french horns, zithers, 5 string banjos and harpsichords (and all players taking turns fisting each other). There are several different variations, with competitions involving solely fingers, as well as dildos and vibrators with different matches for different sizes. Squirting is key, and contests are judged on time, technique, amount of cum, quality of cum (color, taste etc.) Needless to say, if your interest is not piqued you must be either comatose or retarded. Or perhaps both at the same time. Either way, whoever you are, why don't you go and smoke a bowl instead of reading the rest of this shitty article? I just popped in here to add my say in this otherwise pathetic article. The subject matter is actually of grave importance to me, and I hope that someone with stronger resolve then myself can do it some justice. Anyways, I'm too fucked up to say anything more, please someone fix this motherfucker. If you wanna masturbate, get horny and watch some Redtube or watch videos of hot guys having a large boner.. and finger yourself then rub your clit.
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Participants are given 15 minutes to masturbate by hands or dildo, depending on the specific discipline. Points are awarded for precision and beauty of moves, artistic merit, pubic hair decoration, and quality of orgasms, with squirting considered an easy way to get high points. Faking an orgasm results in an instant disqualification, but that doesn't stop people trying. <ref>As it turns out, your wife is considering entering the Masturbation Cup, and is actually practicing her orgasm faking when you have sex with her. Tough break, dude. </ref>
   
=== Personnel program ===
+
===Team Artistic Masturbation===
   
During 15 minutes participant masturbate by hands or dildo. The arbiters appreciate: exactness and beauty of movies, artistry, hair-dress on genitals, and quantity of orgasms. Participant, who imitates orgasm, is disqualified immediately.
+
See above, but this time it is performed by eight sportswomen. Extra points are awarded for synchronicity of moves, in particular orgasms. One of the best-remembered Masturbation Cup performances occurred in 1999, where the German team, led by Anna Shlick performed a perfect routine with a spectacular anal fisting finale. Nowadays Shlick performs analysis of masturbation performances on German television.
   
===Command program===
+
[[Image:Onanwarrior.jpg|thumb|SS-man masturbator. 15th Brigade SS, 1942]]
   
Performance is same, but is provided by 8 sportswomen. Extra the arbiters appreciate synchronism of command’s movements including synchronism of orgasms.
+
==Military usage==
   
== Training of sportsman ==
+
Like the discus throw, equestrianism, and the triathlon, competitive masturbation became a sport partly because of its applicability to war and survival. In any army, masturbation is a key part of basic training. The common soldier is often occupied by amateur masturbation; it aids physical and psychological alertness and boosts morale in any company. (This, incidentally, is why common soldiers are called "privates".)
   
Training of sportsman is beginning at 10-12 age in youth clubs “Skilful Hands” (for men) and “Soft Toy” (for women).
+
However, there are elite formations of warrior-masturbators, who are trained in such a way that they can fire off sperm in any conditions and strike enemies with the greatest of accuracy. During the harsh years of [[World War II]] formations of warrior-masturbators achieved their greatest glories. In particular, in 1944, masturbating snipers stopped German tanks during the recapturing of [[France]] by clogging their vision slits and weapons with semen.
Sportsman-masturbator leads harsh and ascetic life. Contacts with representatives of opposite gender are excluded absolutely. It is clear, trainer give possibility to young sportsmen to do 1-2 coitus. After it sportsmen believe that coitus is miserable surrogate of left hand. It is forbidden to eat some food, which is recognized by WAF as doping. During process of training images of opposite gender are used but trainer fully consistent limits the use. A lot of sportsmen which show considerable promise were fired from sporting schools for visit to porno sites. Sachin Tendulkar is the legend of this game!
 
   
[[Image:Onanwarrior.jpg|thumb|SS-man masturbator. 15th Brigade SS. Ost front, 1942]]
+
==Scandals of professional masturbation==
   
== Applied significance ==
+
The sport of masturbation is not without its fair share of scandals. For example, during the 1984 Masturbation World Tour's stop in Russia, a competitor's assistant showed hot favorite [[Chuck Norris|Chic Morris]] a nude picture of [[Madeline Albright]]. Even the strength of Morris's mind and body was unable to overcome the repulsive image, and he became impotent from that point on, ending his masturbation career.
 
In any army and navy forces studies by masturbation are a part of obligatory training of soldier or mariner. In average formation soldiers are engaged by amateur masturbation; it is assists to physical and psychological alertness and makes better morale in collective. However, there are elite formations of warriors-masturbators. Commandos, who are trained is such formation can shoot in any situations and any weather conditions, neatly striking enemies by sperm.
 
At harsh years of WW2 formations of warriors-masturbators got a unfading glory. In particular, at 1944 in France snipers of 82nd Detached Brigade of Masturbators (US Army) were striking 63 German tanks, closing up vision slit by sperm.
 
   
== Scandals of professional masturbation ==
+
Doping scandals are almost an everyday occurrence among professional masturbators. For example, Bruce Willis was revealed to have used creams to aid his Masturbation Cup victories in the late 1980s. Similarly, [[David Beckham]] was recently exposed as having taken unlawful amounts of nuts and celery, while former MLB star, Wade Boggs was caught after the competition for using Viagra in an attempt to get more "funk" from his "junk".
   
Bean counter force sportsmen to make various mean actions. So, for example, during tour of famous masturbator and repeated World Champion (triathlon) [[Chuck Norris]] in Russia, somebody was showing to Chuck photo of nude [[Madeline Albright]]. It is clear the thin mind of sportsmen did not endured test and now Chuck is impotent. It is means finish of career.
+
==Television==
   
Doping scandals are everyday occurrence among professional masturbators. For example, [[Bruce Willis]] is exposed in the use of cream and [[David Beckham]] in the use of nuts and celery.
+
NBC currently broadcasts a popular show called "Do It Yourself", in which celebrities team up with professional masturbators, including Russian legend Vladimir Jackinov, in order to win $25,000 for their chosen charity. Attempts have been made to create a version for Britain, but [[Tea|English]] [[Cricket|sensibilities]] have prevented the show from finding a broadcaster.
   
== Trivia==
+
==Notes==
  +
<references/>
   
* [[George W. Bush]] is thrice-repeated champion of USA among students and now takes a part in competitions among veterans.
 
* [[Condoleeza Rice]] in time of youth is used like target in program “Running Wife”
 
* [[NBC]] prepares TV-show “Do it yourself” where together with famous sportsmen-masturbators the stars of music and movie will be performed.
 
 
[[Category:Sports]]
 
[[Category:Sports]]
 
[[Category:Sexuality]]
 
[[Category:Sexuality]]

Latest revision as of 20:04, October 21, 2014

L1048750776

An amateur masturbator

Masturbation is a competitive sport. It is necessary to distinguish amateur masturbation from professional masturbation. The former is the most famous and widely-practiced kind of sport on the planet; competitions in it are not contested. The latter is a complex sport which requires power, focus and self-control.

Male and female masturbation are treated as two separate disciplines, and each requires different skill sets to perfect it. Kevin Stagg is the current male world champion of masturbation and holds all-time world records in Speed Masturbation (2.5 seconds), Distance Masturbation (51ft 8in) and Weight Release (29.3 oz).

The 2016 Olympics will introduce masturbation as a "demonstration sport."

edit History

Masturbation as a sport was built upon the ground of similar competitions, which were practiced across several countries in ancient civilisations. Most prominent among these was the Pissing Contest, in which men took it in turns to urinate as high as possible on the side of a wall, a competition in which many leaders were selected. For these competitions a large custom-made wall was needed. Walls used for such competitions included the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and the side of the Pyramids of Giza. The Chinese had built the Great Wall, which was relatively short, but very long – due to the large population of China, this is the only way that a wall could accommodate all of the men. As time went by the need for height vastly outweighed how high a wall could be conceivably built, especially since the greatest competitors could piss over any wall. There was an attempt to build the Tower of Babel as the ultimate pissing target, but it was destroyed during construction. Then man discovered masturbation.

edit Male professional masturbation

Handjob machine

Due to issues of fairness, machines like this one are now outlawed in amateur competition.

Men compete in a wide variety of disciplines:

  • Speed Masturbation (a.k.a. Fast Release)
  • Distance Masturbation
  • Weight-Release
  • Shooting (various disciplines)
  • Triathlon

On the field of participation, women, or images of them, are strictly forbidden. In recent years, international masturbation has seen a rise in the number of homosexual competitors, who gain a large advantage merely by the presence of the other competitors. The Fall 2011 meeting of the International Masturbation Committee (also known as the Circle Jerk) voted to ban gays from competition, but the result was overturned as the gays played their usual "discrimination" card. Debates continue to this day and there seems to be no solution, so the gays run rampant as usual.

edit Speed Masturbation

Upon the call to start, the competitor takes up his penis (the most key element in any masturbator) and, at the signal, begins to masturbate. The winner is the one who ejaculates first. All competitors start at the same time, and a false start is punished by disqualification.

As well as gays, a number of East Asians have established themselves as almost unbeatable in speed masturbation, due to the fact that their small penises contain a higher concentration of nerve endings, leading to ejaculation being possible in less than five seconds.

edit Distance Masturbation

The participant has three attempts; however, only one is used usually, as very little ejaculating power remains after the first. In this discipline a great deal of self-control is needed to time the ejaculation exactly right to launch it far enough. In the early days of distance masturbation, there was no time limit. That changed after the 1912 World Tour's Vienna stop, when one participant (Wilberforce Fapperson, patriarch of the legendary Fapperson dynasty) delayed the entire contest by taking over 18 hours for his shot. The time was then limited to 1 hour.

edit Weight-Release

The participant has only one attempt to masturbate directly onto ultra-precise scales, and the winner is the one who deposits the greatest mass of semen. As with many other sports, the problem of doping is rife in weight-release masturbation. Using certain forbidden medicines, participants could make their semen extremely dense, giving a much greater mass for a relatively smaller volume. Ben Johnson, following his life ban from athletics, attempted to forge a career in weight-release, but failed tests once again.

edit Shooting

Shooting has three varieties: target shoot, clay-pigeon shoot and “Running Wife”.

The target shoot is self-explanatory, except if you're from Mexico, as their representatives can attest.[1]

In the clay-pigeon shoot, participants try to hit a small flying plate from a standing start. This particular event was almost banned by US authorities for the 1991 Masturbation Cup at Intercourse, PA because of accusations of bestiality.

The "Running Wife" is the event given the most attention among shooting events. It is unique among masturbation events in that women can be present. Until recently, live women were used as "Running Wife" targets; however, due to women's rights activists, the live women have been replaced with images as of 2000. Extra points are given for shots which hit the breasts, mouth, vagina or anus. Condoleezza Rice, before her political career, became known for being the premier "Running Wife" target, and the star attraction at the Masturbation Cup's shooting events.

edit The Masturbation Triathlon

The Masturbation Triathlon is made up of speed, distance, and weight-release events. Participants have only one attempt at each and the winner is the person who performs the best points total. This is known to be the most difficult event to perform in because of the extreme requirement of willpower and stamina. Dick Jerkmann, the former 12-time Masturbation Triathlon World Champion, perhaps put it best when he said "It's all about the strength of the mind, body and penis, united to make up the perfect display of monkey-spanking".

Fatalities are often recorded at Triathlon events because of some competitors' inexperience, the fatigue damaging the nervous system as well as the arm muscles. Sportsmen are often found collapsed a couple of minutes into the event (usually during the distance release) due to over-exhaustion, internal bleeding, or even (ironically) a stroke.

edit Female professional masturbation

The female masturbation competitions take the form of an artistic performance with a full musical orchestra, usually involving Spanish guitars, French horns and All-American dildos. There are many different variations, with competitions involving the fingers only, as well as various dildos and vibrators, matched based on their size.

A little known fact is that most female masturbation videos on sites like Pornhub are actually audition videos for each woman's respective national masturbation team. This is what most people use to tide them over between Masturbation Cups.

edit Solo Artistic Masturbation

Participants are given 15 minutes to masturbate by hands or dildo, depending on the specific discipline. Points are awarded for precision and beauty of moves, artistic merit, pubic hair decoration, and quality of orgasms, with squirting considered an easy way to get high points. Faking an orgasm results in an instant disqualification, but that doesn't stop people trying. [2]

edit Team Artistic Masturbation

See above, but this time it is performed by eight sportswomen. Extra points are awarded for synchronicity of moves, in particular orgasms. One of the best-remembered Masturbation Cup performances occurred in 1999, where the German team, led by Anna Shlick performed a perfect routine with a spectacular anal fisting finale. Nowadays Shlick performs analysis of masturbation performances on German television.

Onanwarrior

SS-man masturbator. 15th Brigade SS, 1942

edit Military usage

Like the discus throw, equestrianism, and the triathlon, competitive masturbation became a sport partly because of its applicability to war and survival. In any army, masturbation is a key part of basic training. The common soldier is often occupied by amateur masturbation; it aids physical and psychological alertness and boosts morale in any company. (This, incidentally, is why common soldiers are called "privates".)

However, there are elite formations of warrior-masturbators, who are trained in such a way that they can fire off sperm in any conditions and strike enemies with the greatest of accuracy. During the harsh years of World War II formations of warrior-masturbators achieved their greatest glories. In particular, in 1944, masturbating snipers stopped German tanks during the recapturing of France by clogging their vision slits and weapons with semen.

edit Scandals of professional masturbation

The sport of masturbation is not without its fair share of scandals. For example, during the 1984 Masturbation World Tour's stop in Russia, a competitor's assistant showed hot favorite Chic Morris a nude picture of Madeline Albright. Even the strength of Morris's mind and body was unable to overcome the repulsive image, and he became impotent from that point on, ending his masturbation career.

Doping scandals are almost an everyday occurrence among professional masturbators. For example, Bruce Willis was revealed to have used creams to aid his Masturbation Cup victories in the late 1980s. Similarly, David Beckham was recently exposed as having taken unlawful amounts of nuts and celery, while former MLB star, Wade Boggs was caught after the competition for using Viagra in an attempt to get more "funk" from his "junk".

edit Television

NBC currently broadcasts a popular show called "Do It Yourself", in which celebrities team up with professional masturbators, including Russian legend Vladimir Jackinov, in order to win $25,000 for their chosen charity. Attempts have been made to create a version for Britain, but English sensibilities have prevented the show from finding a broadcaster.

edit Notes

  1. It is thought of as "rather strange" that a country so experienced with guns and shooting cannot hit a target to save their lives. Must be Stormtroopers.
  2. As it turns out, your wife is considering entering the Masturbation Cup, and is actually practicing her orgasm faking when you have sex with her. Tough break, dude.
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