Masturbation is a competitive sport. It is necessary to distinguish amateur masturbation from professional masturbation. The former is the most famous and widely-practiced kind of sport on the planet; competitions in it are not contested. The latter is a complex sport which requires power, focus and self-control.
Male and female masturbation are treated as two separate disciplines, and each requires different skill sets to perfect it. Kevin Stagg is the current male world champion of masturbation and holds all-time world records in Speed Masturbation (2.5 seconds), Distance Masturbation (51ft 8in) and Weight Release (29.3 oz).
The 2016 Olympics will introduce masturbation as a "demonstration sport."
Masturbation as a sport was built upon the ground of similar competitions, which were practiced across several countries in ancient civilisations. Most prominent among these was the Pissing Contest, in which men took it in turns to urinate as high as possible on the side of a wall, a competition in which many leaders were selected. For these competitions a large custom-made wall was needed. Walls used for such competitions included the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and the side of the Pyramids of Giza. The Chinese had built the Great Wall, which was relatively short, but very long – due to the large population of China, this is the only way that a wall could accommodate all of the men. As time went by the need for height vastly outweighed how high a wall could be conceivably built, especially since the greatest competitors could piss over any wall. There was an attempt to build the Tower of Babel as the ultimate pissing target, but it was destroyed during construction. Then man discovered masturbation.
Male professional masturbation
Men compete in a wide variety of disciplines:
- Speed Masturbation (a.k.a. Fast Release)
- Distance Masturbation
- Shooting (various disciplines)
On the field of participation, women, or images of them, are strictly forbidden. In recent years, international masturbation has seen a rise in the number of homosexual competitors, who gain a large advantage merely by the presence of the other competitors. The Fall 2011 meeting of the International Masturbation Committee (also known as the Circle Jerk) voted to ban gays from competition, but the result was overturned as the gays played their usual "discrimination" card. Debates continue to this day and there seems to be no solution, so the gays run rampant as usual.
Upon the call to start, the competitor takes up his penis (the most key element in any masturbator) and, at the signal, begins to masturbate. The winner is the one who ejaculates first. All competitors start at the same time, and a false start is punished by disqualification.
The participant has three attempts; however, only one is used usually, as very little ejaculating power remains after the first. In this discipline a great deal of self-control is needed to time the ejaculation exactly right to launch it far enough. In the early days of distance masturbation, there was no time limit. That changed after the 1912 World Tour's Vienna stop, when one participant (Wilberforce Fapperson, patriarch of the legendary Fapperson dynasty) delayed the entire contest by taking over 18 hours for his shot. The time was then limited to 1 hour.
The participant has only one attempt to masturbate directly onto ultra-precise scales, and the winner is the one who deposits the greatest mass of semen. As with many other sports, the problem of doping is rife in weight-release masturbation. Using certain forbidden medicines, participants could make their semen extremely dense, giving a much greater mass for a relatively smaller volume. Ben Johnson, following his life ban from athletics, attempted to forge a career in weight-release, but failed tests once again.
Shooting has three varieties: target shoot, clay-pigeon shoot and “Running Wife”.
In the clay-pigeon shoot, participants try to hit a small flying plate from a standing start. This particular event was almost banned by US authorities for the 1991 Masturbation Cup at Intercourse, PA because of accusations of bestiality.
The "Running Wife" is the event given the most attention among shooting events. It is unique among masturbation events in that women can be present. Until recently, live women were used as "Running Wife" targets; however, due to women's rights activists, the live women have been replaced with images as of 2000. Extra points are given for shots which hit the breasts, mouth, vagina or anus. Condoleezza Rice, before her political career, became known for being the premier "Running Wife" target, and the star attraction at the Masturbation Cup's shooting events.
The Masturbation Triathlon
The Masturbation Triathlon is made up of speed, distance, and weight-release events. Participants have only one attempt at each and the winner is the person who performs the best points total. This is known to be the most difficult event to perform in because of the extreme requirement of willpower and stamina. Dick Jerkmann, the former 12-time Masturbation Triathlon World Champion, perhaps put it best when he said "It's all about the strength of the mind, body and penis, united to make up the perfect display of monkey-spanking".
Fatalities are often recorded at Triathlon events because of some competitors' inexperience, the fatigue damaging the nervous system as well as the arm muscles. Sportsmen are often found collapsed a couple of minutes into the event (usually during the distance release) due to over-exhaustion, internal bleeding, or even (ironically) a stroke.
Female professional masturbation
The female masturbation competitions take the form of an artistic performance with a full musical orchestra, usually involving Spanish guitars, French horns and All-American dildos. There are many different variations, with competitions involving the fingers only, as well as various dildos and vibrators, matched based on their size.
A little known fact is that most female masturbation videos on sites like Pornhub are actually audition videos for each woman's respective national masturbation team. This is what most people use to tide them over between Masturbation Cups.
Solo Artistic Masturbation
Participants are given 15 minutes to masturbate by hands or dildo, depending on the specific discipline. Points are awarded for precision and beauty of moves, artistic merit, pubic hair decoration, and quality of orgasms, with squirting considered an easy way to get high points. Faking an orgasm results in an instant disqualification, but that doesn't stop people trying. 
Team Artistic Masturbation
See above, but this time it is performed by eight sportswomen. Extra points are awarded for synchronicity of moves, in particular orgasms. One of the best-remembered Masturbation Cup performances occurred in 1999, where the German team, led by Anna Shlick performed a perfect routine with a spectacular anal fisting finale. Nowadays Shlick performs analysis of masturbation performances on German television.
Like the discus throw, equestrianism, and the triathlon, competitive masturbation became a sport partly because of its applicability to war and survival. In any army, masturbation is a key part of basic training. The common soldier is often occupied by amateur masturbation; it aids physical and psychological alertness and boosts morale in any company. (This, incidentally, is why common soldiers are called "privates".)
However, there are elite formations of warrior-masturbators, who are trained in such a way that they can fire off sperm in any conditions and strike enemies with the greatest of accuracy. During the harsh years of World War II formations of warrior-masturbators achieved their greatest glories. In particular, in 1944, masturbating snipers stopped German tanks during the recapturing of France by clogging their vision slits and weapons with semen.
Scandals of professional masturbation
The sport of masturbation is not without its fair share of scandals. For example, during the 1984 Masturbation World Tour's stop in Russia, a competitor's assistant showed hot favorite Chic Morris a nude picture of Madeline Albright. Even the strength of Morris's mind and body was unable to overcome the repulsive image, and he became impotent from that point on, ending his masturbation career.
Doping scandals are almost an everyday occurrence among professional masturbators. For example, Bruce Willis was revealed to have used creams to aid his Masturbation Cup victories in the late 1980s. Similarly, David Beckham was recently exposed as having taken unlawful amounts of nuts and celery, while former MLB star, Wade Boggs was caught after the competition for using Viagra in an attempt to get more "funk" from his "junk".
NBC currently broadcasts a popular show called "Do It Yourself", in which celebrities team up with professional masturbators, including Russian legend Vladimir Jackinov, in order to win $25,000 for their chosen charity. Attempts have been made to create a version for Britain, but English sensibilities have prevented the show from finding a broadcaster.
- ↑ It is thought of as "rather strange" that a country so experienced with guns and shooting cannot hit a target to save their lives. Must be Stormtroopers.
- ↑ As it turns out, your wife is considering entering the Masturbation Cup, and is actually practicing her orgasm faking when you have sex with her. Tough break, dude.