Masturbaction

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Masturbaction is an activist group whose stated goal is to "protect existing masturbation rights, and try to establish new ones in our unfortunately globalized society."

The Masturbaction Center

The Masturbaction Centre was opened by Masturbaction in Los Angeles in 1998. Its opening caused some controversy among groups as diverse as the Catholic Church, the Republican Party, and People Who Don't Like Cum. The objective of the Masturbaction Centre is apparently to "provide a safe environment where members of diverse communities can cum together, preferably simultaneously". And Remember God is always there with you.

The Lollipop Letter

On August 5th, 1998, an anonymous letter directed at Masturbaction was published in the Los Angeles Times. It was apparently written by an enraged mother whose child had just joined Masturbaction, after an initiation practice known as "Getting a Feel for It". The following is a segment from the letter:

You guys are sic [sic]! My daughter told me that she sucked on a lollipop at your Centre, but it doesn't sound like any lollipop I ever sucked on! At the beginning I supported your organization in the name of freedom of speech, but there's no such thing as freedom to force children to suck on so-called lollipops! From now on, I think the only lollipops children should suck on are regular lollipops, you know, the old-school kind.

Masturbaction responded in typical fashion:

Your letter stinks of old-fashioned, patriarchal, imperialistic, and ultimately nihilistic, fascism. Of course children should not be forced to do anything, but we believe that children's natural desire to explore their sexuality should start at the age of one, and we have taken it upon ourselves to provide the necessary environment for this to occur in the small space that we have, until the Revolution comes, after which people will be masturba(c)ting everywhere. Masturbaction will not allow a frustrated soccer mom, who appropriates elements of African-American vernacular such as "old-school" in a lame attempt to appeal to the proletariat, to prevent us from achieving our goals. Jack off, bitch!

9/11 Conspiracy Theory

When a higher than average amount of sperm was discovered at ground zero, conspiracy theorists theorized a conspiracy according to which Masturbaction would be "wholely or partially responsible for the tragic events on September 11th." Like most 9/11 conspiracy theories, one of the main problems is trying to convince everyone that Osama bin Laden is either fake or an American puppet. He doesn't look fake, and he displays zero of the characteristics typical of puppets.

7/11 Conspiracy Theory

Other theorists have focused on the fact that unlabelled boxes containing large amounts of white liquid are shipped from the Masturbaction Centre to 7/11 stores across the nation every day. 7/11 reluctantly admitted that this white liquid is one of the main ingredients in the popular drink known as the Slurpee. The president of the FDA, in an uncharacteristic outburst of profanity, stated on March 16th, 2011 "To our absolute horror, this theory is starting to look like less of a conspiracy theory and more of like a totally fucking true theory. The only thing I can say is fuck! I mean seriously...fuck!"

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