Mastodon

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“I'd tap that”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mastodon
“The death [of Berezovka] by suffocation is proved by the erected male genital, a condition inexplicable in any other way.”
~ IckyPoop, world famous mammoth hunter on Mastodon
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Mastodon, also known as Masting Dun, or Masting Dump, was an Atlanta-based metal band that achieved some fame during the last glacial maximum or minimum depending upon which side of the flood you bet your sweet tooties upon. Following their traumatic evolutionary split, the former members of Atlantis-based metal band Mastodon went on to pursue various different unalike dissimilar contrasting divergent deviating unequal unsimilar unrelated diverse incomparable and incommensurable careers.

Troy Sanders

Frontman Troy Sanders first gained fame for pissing a tidal wave that wiped out the dinosaurs. He then moved to Africa, married Phiomia, an 8' tall woman, who was considered short for her tribe, and not long in the tooth, then reportedly began a career as an aquatic wildlife professor, specializing in hippopotameomyomayo.

Brann Dailor

Drummer Brann Dailor began work on a film of Moby Dick with the recently reanimated Herman Melville, but was unsatisfied with the casting director's choice for a star, so headed to Pakistan to see if retired Bollywood star Hemi Mastodon would consider coming out of retirement to play the lead as Moby, however Hemi Mastadon had moved to Harlem, New York without a forwarding address. In Pakistan Dailor learned that Hemi's phylogenetic affinity within the proboscids was as questionable as his own progressive jazz syrup affinities, and took to smoking hookah-hiccups at coffee houses. Dailor eventually heard Kenny-G, ran in fear, got lost and wound up in Mumbai, and hired Asha Bhosle for the role of Moby's voice. When Bhosle turned up on the set, Dailor was quite surprised by her resemblance to the Godfather-era Brando, fell in love, and married her. Dailor is considered by many to be the best drummer in the world. This strong accolade, and his marriage, is what led him to realize that he could do anything, including rewrite Moby Dick.

Brent Hinds and Bill Kelliher

Guitarists Brent Hinds and Bill Kelliher came over to England an set up a fish n chip restaurant in Cornwall, although it was later closed down by the RSPCA after they were found to be using whale meat in their food. However, this was unlikely to set the clever Hinds and Kelliher back for long, they discovered a cheaper substitute for pollock, the Gomphothere. They reopened serving gomphothere n chips, and their shoppe was an instant success. Unfortunately for them, they did not know that Gomphotheres were North American and extinct. As meat inspectors had not been thought of before the animals died out, the meat had not been inspected. After a bitter falling out between the two over the best Metallica guitarist, Kelliher became the first ever American to join the Royal Navy, partly due to his insider knowledge as an underwater inhabitant, and partly due to the fact that he was able to turn the shoppe into an establishment for viewing the remains of extinct Gomphotheres.

However, this proved to be short lived, as during a return from a mission to Iraq, he was eaten by a giant squid named let's call her Fiona, whom he mistook for Platybelodon. Unfortunately Platybelodoni are extinct, but giant squids are not, and once covered with black ink, Kelliher was no longer allowed to play in progressive rock bands.

Hinds fared better-having dated many a hot young mermaid, he settled down with Poseidon's daughter. A steady income for the couple was assured as their children were of great interest to Genetic scientists. The good life didn't last, however, as Europa began to tire of Brent's beard getting in the way of their lovemaking. The newly divorced guitarist decided to end his own life using an authentic 19th century whaling harpoon, first, however, taking the life of the last living Amebelodon.

Both members are thought to be important dispersers of plants that are now considered to be anachronisms, including wild papayas, bananas and avocados.

More on Sanders

Meanwhile in Cannes, Moby Dick-who was attending the film festival-took umbrage at the Sanders/Melville film project, which he claims portrayed him as "... a beast with no respect for human life. [the movie] is utterly offensive to whales.". He did like the voice-overs, however. A lawsuit followed, after which the author was killed (once again) and, as was his wish, stuffed and placed in the entrance of the Legal Seafoods restaurant in Boston, MA.

Troy Sanders disappeared completely, though he was last reported to have been forming a Melvins tribute band with some drunk dude he met at a fishing-themed pub in Australia. By this time "Leviathan" had gone multicopper, despite many payments needing to be made to the estate of the late Herman Melville for the lawsuit.

For those who've read this far and really think this is going somewhere

Where this places lovers of Relapse Records' most innovative stoner/math metal band, one can only puke about; although rumours are emerging about possible soundtrack work for BBC's "Walking with Beasts", narrated by Bruce Dickinson but reproduced for American television minus any evolution references.

Early Days

Mastodon were origanally called Mammoth and had an extra guitarist called Eddievanhalenodon. They formed in 1663. Their first gig was on a frigate while Sir Frances Drake destroyed the Spanish Armada. This gig lead to great success and Mastodon hit it big in 1804 when Sherlock Holmes published his book on them: "The Mastodon of The Baskervilles". Sherlock holmes was known to be a big fan of Mastodon after hearing their first album, Bloodback Mountain, and so began to publish many a book upon the band and also became guitar tech in 1806 under the stage name of Holmesodon. Shakespeare tried to jump on the bandwagon with The Twelfth Mastodon, but his book was dismissed by scientists everywhere as it was incorrect as the last Kelsey Grammar became extinct in 64,000,000bc.

The dismissing of Shakespeares book lead him to create a grudge against Mastodon and so he began a worldwide search for the band memembers and the Mastodon although the band were recording their second album Call of the Mastodon at the time in guitarist Brent Hinds' Fish n Chip shop. Shakespeare finally became aware of the location of the 'Don from a tip off given by A Perfect Circle guitarist Billy Howerdel (who at the time was jealous of Mastodon success as a band with Tool fans. Shakespeare then set off to Alfreton, England to find Brent Hinds' fish and chip shop. The search went on for a hundread years and finally Shakespeare found the Mastodon in the middle of a field in Oakathorpe, England. The Mastodon immediately trampled Shakespeare into the ground and single handedly built a Kebab Shop over his dead body. Shakespeares death was then blamed on a russian spy equipped with Gravii 110.

Discography

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  • AAAA - AAAAAAAAA!
  • 3045 - Ressurrection of Bearded Minions (Based on real events surrounding mastodon's disappearance in 2045, also when released will strike pogonophobia into the hearts of citizens living in Brian Blessed country)
  • 2016 - Megaloddon' on Aquaman
  • 2008 - The Sword of Damocles Part 2: The Trilobite of Daedra
  • 2006 - The Sword of Damocles Part 1: Dick Turpin vs Joseph Merrick
  • 2005 - Fuck Mountain
  • 2003 - Elefont
  • 2002 - Ode to Rasputin’s Penis
  • 2002 - I Am Tashkent
  • 2001 - Get Behind Stanley
  • 1998 - Songs For A Duck At Sea

See also

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