Mastodon

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{{Q|I'd tap that|Oscar Wilde|Mastodon}}
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[[Image:Mastodon1.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Mastodon, seen here in their natural Ice Age environment.]]
{{q|The death [of Berezovka] by suffocation is proved by the erected male genital, a condition inexplicable in any other way.|IckyPoop, world famous mammoth hunter|Mastodon}}
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'''Mastodon''' was a Progressive Sludge Metal band that roamed [[North America]] and most of [[Europe|Eurasia]] during the last [[Ice Age]] from the early to late Pleistocene epoch (roughly 3,000,000 to 10,000 BCE). Though early Mastodon subsisted on abrasive [[guitar]] riffs and double-pedal drumming, latter-day Mastodon evolved into a more [[Prog Rock|Progressive sound]], and ultimately became one of the apex bands of both the American New Wave Metal scene and the Pleistocene epoch.
   
[[Image:ELEFmetalANT.jpg.jpg|thumb|right|350px|I .. Am .. Abomination.]]
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==Habitat==
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[[Image:MastodonRange.gif|thumb|left|250px|Mastodon's suspected range, with the known sites of live shows indicated by red dots.]]
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The fossil record indicates that Mastodon not only inhabited, but thrived in both [[Metal]] and [[Prog Rock|Progressive]] climates, making them one of the most genre-versatile bands of the era.<ref>Only the wide-ranged [[Opeth]], whose fossils have been found as far south as Folk and Soft Rock environments, can be considered more adaptable.</ref> Evidence suggests that the band most likely originated in North America’s harsh Sludge Metal pockets—areas where the only forms of musical sustenance were abrasive guitar riffs and amp feedback.
   
'''Mastodon''', also known as [[Shit|Masting Dun]], or [[Shit|Masting Dump]], was an Atlanta-based [[metal]] band that achieved some fame during the last glacial maximum or minimum depending upon which side of the flood you bet your [[Marlon Brando|sweet]] [[Hot water balloon|tooties]] upon. Following their traumatic evolutionary split, the former members of [[Atlantis]]-based metal band Mastodon went on to pursue various different [[Robbie savage|unalike]] dissimilar contrasting divergent deviating unequal unsimilar unrelated diverse incomparable and incommensurable [[Marlon Brando|careers]].
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In the middle of the Pleistocene epoch, Mastodon migrated south to take advantage of the budding Metal and Hard [[Rock]] scenes on the now-warming North American continent. In their new environment, the band would come to face stiff competition from rivals like Disturbed and System of a Down, two bands that ultimately proved to be more successful despite totally sucking ass.<ref>System of a Down [[HowTo:Write Serj Tankian Lyrics|especially so]].</ref>
   
== Troy Sanders ==
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During this same period, Mastodon made forays into Progressive lands as well. Most [[Dinosaurs|paleontologists]] believe that Mastodon was extremely successful living in Progressive climates, possibly even moreso than in the Sludge Metal areas the band originated in. However, a small group of paleontologists from progarchives.com<ref>Despite its notoriety, progarchives and its positions have remained contentious. Controversy surrounding it include (but are not limited to) its reductive classification of Progressive music into a number of ill-defined genres that don’t allow for overlap, as well is its purple-colored header, which is just ugly</ref> state the opposite, and claim that Mastodon never totally adapted to the Progressive landscape. Scientists in the later school of thought point to Mastodon’s continued reliance on 4/4 time signatures and traditional instrumentation to support their position. The consensus, however, remains that Mastodon did adapt to Progressive environments, and was more than able to hold its own against potential rivals like Isis, [[Opeth]], [[Porcupine]] [[Tree]], and [[The Mars Volta]].<ref>The Mars Volta became extinct shortly after the release of ''Octahedron'', which sucked balls.</ref>
   
Frontman Troy Sanders first gained fame for pissing a tidal wave that wiped out the dinosaurs. He then moved to Africa, married Phiomia, an 8' tall woman, who was considered short for her tribe, and not long in the [[Teeth|tooth]], then reportedly began a [[Robbie savage|career]] as an aquatic wildlife professor, specializing in [[Donal Trump|hippopotameomyomayo]].
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==Social Structure==
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[[Image:MastodonBrent.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Brent Hinds uses his Gibson Flying-V to fend off a potential challenger.]]
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Throughout their career, Mastodon maintained one of the most defined and rigid social structures of any known band during the Pleistocene, with each member knowing both their place in the pecking order and their responsibilities.
   
== Brann Dailor ==
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===Brent Hinds===
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'''Brent Hinds''' was the band’s [[guitar|lead guitarist]], vocalist,<ref>Regrettably.</ref> and unquestioned leader. Though both fossil evidence and Neanderthal cave paintings indicate that Hinds had to occasionally fend off challenges to his authority made by bassist Troy Sanders, it is believed that Hinds managed to maintain both his position and order within the band through the use of his gnarly [[beard]] and inexhaustible collection of Gibson Silverburst Flying-V’s. Hinds would also use his reflexive near-problem level of [[alcohol]] consumption as a natural defense against predators.
   
Drummer Brann Dailor began work on a [[film]] of [[Moby Dick]] with the recently reanimated Herman Melville, but was unsatisfied with the casting director's choice for a star, so headed to Pakistan to see if retired Bollywood star Hemi Mastodon would consider coming out of retirement to play the lead as Moby, however Hemi Mastadon had moved to Harlem, New York without a forwarding address. In Pakistan Dailor learned that Hemi's phylogenetic affinity within the proboscids was as questionable as his own progressive jazz syrup affinities, and took to smoking hookah-hiccups at coffee houses. Dailor eventually heard [[Sleep|Kenny-G]], ran in fear, got lost and wound up in [[Mumbai]], and hired Asha Bhosle for the role of Moby's voice. When Bhosle turned up on the set, Dailor was quite surprised by her resemblance to the [[Hippopotamus|Godfather-era Brando]], fell in love, and married her. Dailor is considered by many to be the best drummer in the world. This strong accolade, [[and]] his marriage, is what led him to [[Marlon Brando|realize]] that he could do anything, including rewrite Moby Dick.
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===Troy Sanders===
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'''Troy Sanders''' was Mastodon’s bassist, vocalist,<ref>Regrettably.</ref> and “frontman.” Capable of growing a [[beard]] to rival that of Brent Hinds, [[fossil]] evidence suggests that the two often vied for band supremacy. Though Hinds would inevitably best Sanders, the bassist still boasted one of the gnarliest beards among all Pleistocene Metal bands.
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===Brann Dailor===
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Mastodon’s drummer, '''Brann Dailor''' ranks among the most capable of the epoch. His filler-heavy, aggressive style proved more than a match for potential predators, while his groove drumming served to both attract mates and communicate with other band members over long distances.
   
== Brent Hinds and Bill Kelliher ==
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===Bill Kelliher===
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The rhythm guitarist and runt of the group, '''Bill Kelliher''' possessed neither the technicality to play lead [[guitar]] nor the charisma to front the band. As such, he was often relegated to the extreme right end of the stage during shows, and would receive the smallest share whenever Brent Hinds or Troy Sanders came back from a hunt.
   
Guitarists Brent Hinds and Bill Kelliher came over to [[England]] an set up a fish n chip restaurant in Cornwall, although it was later closed down by the [[Stem cell|RSPCA]] after they were found to be using [[Hello Kitty|whale meat]] in their food. However, this was unlikely to set the clever Hinds and Kelliher back for long, they discovered a cheaper substitute for [[Marlon Brando|pollock]], the Gomphothere. They reopened serving gomphothere n chips, and their shoppe was an instant success. Unfortunately for them, they did not know that Gomphotheres were North American and extinct. As meat inspectors had not been thought of before the animals died out, the meat had not been inspected. After a bitter falling out between the two over the best Metallica guitarist, Kelliher became the first ever American to join the [[Royal Navy]], partly due to his insider [[knowledge]] as an underwater inhabitant, and partly due to the fact that he was able to turn the shoppe into an establishment for viewing the remains of extinct Gomphotheres.
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==Fossil Record==
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[[Image:MastodonAlbum.jpg|thumb|right|250px|An artist's representation of the album artwork for ''Blood Mountain'', as discovered by paleontologists in 1936.]]
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Mastodon is one of the most well-represented bands in all of paleontology, with remains being found all over the North American and Eurasian landmasses. Because of Mastodon’s extensive [[fossil]] record, its evolution and migration can be easily ascertained by scientists.
   
However, this proved to be [[Kurt Goedel|short]] lived, as during a return from a mission to Iraq, he was eaten by a [[giant squid]] named let's call her [[Yul Brynner|Fiona]], whom he mistook for [[Buffalo Bill|Platybelodon]]. Unfortunately ''Platybelodoni'' are extinct, but giant squids are not, and once covered with black ink, Kelliher was no longer allowed to [[Fact-finding Tour|play]] in progressive [[Greater Albania|rock bands]].
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===Remission===
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Uncovered in Atlanta, Georgia, the '''Remission''' find proves beyond a doubt that Mastodon originated in Sludge Metal territory. The album’s short tracks contain no indication of Mastodon’s later Progressive characteristics, and totally belie the fact that the band was subsisting on little more than abrasive—though awesome—guitar riffs.<ref>Like the one in “March of Fire Ants”: '''''BAH DAH DAH''' da-na-na na-na-na na-na-na '''nah''', na-na-na na-na-na '''nah''', '''BAH DAH DAH'''…''</ref>
   
Hinds fared better-having dated many a hot young [[mermaid]], he settled down with [[Poseidon|Poseidon's]] daughter. A steady income for the couple was assured as their children were of great interest to Genetic [[scientists]]. The good life didn't last, however, as Europa began to tire of Brent's beard getting in the way of their [[Sexual intercourse|lovemaking]]. The newly divorced guitarist decided to end [[Viking|his]] own life using an authentic [[19th century]] whaling [[Grover Cleveland|harpoon]], first, however, taking the life of the last living ''Amebelodon''.
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===Leviathan===
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'''Leviathan''' is the earliest Mastodon find to show signs of Progressive characteristics. However, it is clear that Mastodon was still very much in Sludge Metal territory, as evidenced by the album’s many abrasive—though awesome—guitar riffs.<ref>Like the one in “Blood and Thunber”: '''''BAH''', '''BAH''' DAH, '''BAH''' DAH, '''BAH''' DAH, '''BAH''' DAH-DAH, '''BAH''' DAH-DAH, BAH DAH DAH dah dah '''DAH!''' '''BAH''' DAH, '''BAH''' DAH, '''BAH''' DAH, '''BAH''' DAH-DAH…''</ref>
   
Both members are thought to be important dispersers of plants that are now considered to be anachronisms, including wild papayas, bananas and avocados.
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===Blood Mountain===
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Far more Progressive than ''Leviathan'', '''Blood Mountain''' shows the band definitively leaving Sludge Metal Territory. As such, the awesome guitar riffs of previous albums have been supplanted by awesome guitar solos.<ref>Like the one in “Colony of Birchmen”: ''D’lh-d’lh-d’lh-d’lh-d’lh-d’lh-'''DEH!''' da da-da '''DEH!''' deh-deh '''DEH!''' da deh deh…''</ref>
   
== More on Sanders ==
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===Crack the Skye===
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A review of '''Crack the Skye''' found carved in a cave in Guevera, [[Spain]], called the record “by far, the best album Mastodon has produced yet.” It is easily the most progressive of all known Mastodon albums, and, as such, features several awesome guitar solos.<ref>Like the one in “Oblivion”: '''''BAAAOOOOAAH!''' bah dah dyeow-dyeow dow! bah D’lh-d’lh b’lh-b’lh d’lh-d’lh dee dow…''</ref>
   
Meanwhile in [[Greater Albania|Cannes]], Moby Dick-who was attending the film [[Elijah Wood|festival]]-took umbrage at the Sanders/Melville film project, which he claims portrayed him as "... a beast with no respect for human life. [the movie] is utterly offensive to whales.". He did like the [[voice]]-overs, however. A lawsuit followed, after which the author was killed (once again) and, as was his wish, stuffed and placed in the [[What to do if you open your front door one day and there is a portal to an alternate dimension instead of what you expected to see, which was probably something along the lines of whatever is usually outside your house|entrance]] of the Legal Seafoods restaurant in [[Boston]], MA.
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==Footnotes==
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{{Reflist}}
   
Troy Sanders disappeared completely, though he was last reported to have been forming a [[Melvins]] tribute band with some drunk dude he met at a fishing-themed pub in [[Australia]]. By this time "Leviathan" had gone multicopper, despite many payments needing to be made to the estate of the late Herman Melville for the lawsuit.
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==See Also==
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* [[Ice Age]]
== For those who've read this far and really think this is going somewhere ==
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* [[Metal]]
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* [[Dinosaur|Paleontology]]
Where this places lovers of Relapse Records' most innovative [[stoner]]/math [[metal]] band, one can only [[Vomit|puke]] about; although [[Trout Larry|rumours]] are emerging [[The Arctic Kingdom|about]] possible soundtrack work for BBC's "Walking with Beasts", narrated by [[Ox|Bruce Dickinson]] but reproduced for [[Marlon Brando|American television]] minus any [[evolution]] references.
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* [[Guitar]]
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* [[The Mars Volta]]
==Early Days==
 
 
Mastodon were originally called Mammoth and had an extra guitarist called [[Kelsey Grammar|Eddievanhalenodon]]. They formed in 1663. Their first gig was on a frigate while Sir Frances Drake destroyed the Spanish Armada. This gig lead to great success and Mastodon hit it big in 1804 when Sherlock Holmes published his book on them: "The [[Kelsey Grammar|Mastodon]] of The Baskervilles". Sherlock Holmes was known to be a big fan of Mastodon after hearing their first album, Bloodback Mountain, and so began to publish many a book upon the band and also became guitar tech in 1806 under the stage name of Holmesodon. Shakespeare tried to jump on the bandwagon with The Twelfth Mastodon, but his book was dismissed by scientists everywhere as it was incorrect as the last [[Mastodon|Kelsey Grammar]] became extinct in 64,000,000bc.
 
 
The dismissing of Shakespeare's book lead him to create a grudge against [[Kelsey Grammar|Mastodon]] and so he began a worldwide search for the band memembers and the [[Kelsey Grammar|Mastodon]] although the band were recording their second album Call of the [[Kelsey Grammar|Mastodon]] at the time in guitarist Brent Hinds' Fish n Chip shop. Shakespeare finally became aware of the location of the [[Kelsey Grammar|'Don]] from a tip off given by A Perfect Circle guitarist Billy Howerdel (who at the time was jealous of [[Kelsey Grammar|Mastodon]] success as a band with [[Tool]] fans. Shakespeare then set off to [[Chav|Alfreton]], England to find Brent Hinds' fish and chip shop. The search went on for a hundred years and finally Shakespeare found the [[Kelsey Grammar|Mastodon]] in the middle of a field in Oakathorpe, England. The [[Kelsey Grammar|Mastodon]] immediately trampled Shakespeare into the ground and single handedly built a Kebab Shop over his dead body. Shakespeare's death was then blamed on a Russian spy equipped with Gravii 110.
 
 
== Discography ==
 
[[Image:SpongeGuitar.jpg|thumb|One of the numerous albums to which Hinds and Kelliher contributed while underwater.]]
 
 
*[[AAAAAAAAA%21|AAAA]] - [[AAAAAAAAA%21]]
 
*[[3045]] - Ressurrection of Bearded Minions (Based on real events surrounding mastodon's disappearance in 2045, also when released will strike pogonophobia into the hearts of citizens living in [[Brian Blessed]] country)
 
*[[2016]] - Megaloddon' on Aquaman
 
*[[2008]] - The Sword of Damocles Part 2: The Trilobite of Daedra
 
*[[2006]] - The Sword of Damocles Part 1: Dick Turpin vs Joseph Merrick
 
*[[2005]] - Fuck Mountain<br>
 
*[[2003]] - Elefont<br>
 
*[[2002]] - Ode to [[Rasputin’s Penis]]
 
*[[2002]] - I Am Tashkent<br>
 
*[[2001]] - Get Behind Stanley<br>
 
*[[1998]] - Songs For A Duck At Sea<br>
 
 
==See also==
 
*[[Rastadon]]
 
 
[[Category: All Things Metallica!]][[Category:Musicians]][[Category:Metal]]
 
[[Category:Mammals]]
 
[[Category:Elephants]]
 

Revision as of 00:08, August 14, 2009

Mastodon1

Mastodon, seen here in their natural Ice Age environment.

Mastodon was a Progressive Sludge Metal band that roamed North America and most of Eurasia during the last Ice Age from the early to late Pleistocene epoch (roughly 3,000,000 to 10,000 BCE). Though early Mastodon subsisted on abrasive guitar riffs and double-pedal drumming, latter-day Mastodon evolved into a more Progressive sound, and ultimately became one of the apex bands of both the American New Wave Metal scene and the Pleistocene epoch.

Habitat

MastodonRange

Mastodon's suspected range, with the known sites of live shows indicated by red dots.

The fossil record indicates that Mastodon not only inhabited, but thrived in both Metal and Progressive climates, making them one of the most genre-versatile bands of the era.[1] Evidence suggests that the band most likely originated in North America’s harsh Sludge Metal pockets—areas where the only forms of musical sustenance were abrasive guitar riffs and amp feedback.

In the middle of the Pleistocene epoch, Mastodon migrated south to take advantage of the budding Metal and Hard Rock scenes on the now-warming North American continent. In their new environment, the band would come to face stiff competition from rivals like Disturbed and System of a Down, two bands that ultimately proved to be more successful despite totally sucking ass.[2]

During this same period, Mastodon made forays into Progressive lands as well. Most paleontologists believe that Mastodon was extremely successful living in Progressive climates, possibly even moreso than in the Sludge Metal areas the band originated in. However, a small group of paleontologists from progarchives.com[3] state the opposite, and claim that Mastodon never totally adapted to the Progressive landscape. Scientists in the later school of thought point to Mastodon’s continued reliance on 4/4 time signatures and traditional instrumentation to support their position. The consensus, however, remains that Mastodon did adapt to Progressive environments, and was more than able to hold its own against potential rivals like Isis, Opeth, Porcupine Tree, and The Mars Volta.[4]

Social Structure

MastodonBrent

Brent Hinds uses his Gibson Flying-V to fend off a potential challenger.

Throughout their career, Mastodon maintained one of the most defined and rigid social structures of any known band during the Pleistocene, with each member knowing both their place in the pecking order and their responsibilities.

Brent Hinds

Brent Hinds was the band’s lead guitarist, vocalist,[5] and unquestioned leader. Though both fossil evidence and Neanderthal cave paintings indicate that Hinds had to occasionally fend off challenges to his authority made by bassist Troy Sanders, it is believed that Hinds managed to maintain both his position and order within the band through the use of his gnarly beard and inexhaustible collection of Gibson Silverburst Flying-V’s. Hinds would also use his reflexive near-problem level of alcohol consumption as a natural defense against predators.

Troy Sanders

Troy Sanders was Mastodon’s bassist, vocalist,[6] and “frontman.” Capable of growing a beard to rival that of Brent Hinds, fossil evidence suggests that the two often vied for band supremacy. Though Hinds would inevitably best Sanders, the bassist still boasted one of the gnarliest beards among all Pleistocene Metal bands.

Brann Dailor

Mastodon’s drummer, Brann Dailor ranks among the most capable of the epoch. His filler-heavy, aggressive style proved more than a match for potential predators, while his groove drumming served to both attract mates and communicate with other band members over long distances.

Bill Kelliher

The rhythm guitarist and runt of the group, Bill Kelliher possessed neither the technicality to play lead guitar nor the charisma to front the band. As such, he was often relegated to the extreme right end of the stage during shows, and would receive the smallest share whenever Brent Hinds or Troy Sanders came back from a hunt.

Fossil Record

MastodonAlbum

An artist's representation of the album artwork for Blood Mountain, as discovered by paleontologists in 1936.

Mastodon is one of the most well-represented bands in all of paleontology, with remains being found all over the North American and Eurasian landmasses. Because of Mastodon’s extensive fossil record, its evolution and migration can be easily ascertained by scientists.

Remission

Uncovered in Atlanta, Georgia, the Remission find proves beyond a doubt that Mastodon originated in Sludge Metal territory. The album’s short tracks contain no indication of Mastodon’s later Progressive characteristics, and totally belie the fact that the band was subsisting on little more than abrasive—though awesome—guitar riffs.[7]

Leviathan

Leviathan is the earliest Mastodon find to show signs of Progressive characteristics. However, it is clear that Mastodon was still very much in Sludge Metal territory, as evidenced by the album’s many abrasive—though awesome—guitar riffs.[8]

Blood Mountain

Far more Progressive than Leviathan, Blood Mountain shows the band definitively leaving Sludge Metal Territory. As such, the awesome guitar riffs of previous albums have been supplanted by awesome guitar solos.[9]

Crack the Skye

A review of Crack the Skye found carved in a cave in Guevera, Spain, called the record “by far, the best album Mastodon has produced yet.” It is easily the most progressive of all known Mastodon albums, and, as such, features several awesome guitar solos.[10]

Footnotes

  1. Only the wide-ranged Opeth, whose fossils have been found as far south as Folk and Soft Rock environments, can be considered more adaptable.
  2. System of a Down especially so.
  3. Despite its notoriety, progarchives and its positions have remained contentious. Controversy surrounding it include (but are not limited to) its reductive classification of Progressive music into a number of ill-defined genres that don’t allow for overlap, as well is its purple-colored header, which is just ugly
  4. The Mars Volta became extinct shortly after the release of Octahedron, which sucked balls.
  5. Regrettably.
  6. Regrettably.
  7. Like the one in “March of Fire Ants”: BAH DAH DAH da-na-na na-na-na na-na-na nah, na-na-na na-na-na nah, BAH DAH DAH
  8. Like the one in “Blood and Thunber”: BAH, BAH DAH, BAH DAH, BAH DAH, BAH DAH-DAH, BAH DAH-DAH, BAH DAH DAH dah dah DAH! BAH DAH, BAH DAH, BAH DAH, BAH DAH-DAH…
  9. Like the one in “Colony of Birchmen”: D’lh-d’lh-d’lh-d’lh-d’lh-d’lh-DEH! da da-da DEH! deh-deh DEH! da deh deh…
  10. Like the one in “Oblivion”: BAAAOOOOAAH! bah dah dyeow-dyeow dow! bah D’lh-d’lh b’lh-b’lh d’lh-d’lh dee dow…

See Also

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