Masters of Evil
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“Its an agency you can trust.”
“They are a formidable enemy and they hold great annual Christmas Parties.”
“America’s first line of defense against the menacing waffles.”
“Do it, Osama!”
The Masters of Evil (A.K.A. The Christ Corps., A.K.A. The "Other Mormon Church", A.K.A. The Ministry of Waffle Defense) is a Real Estate Agency dedicated to universal genocide, defeating, killing, and ass-raping Edwin Jarvis and getting you your dream home. The Masters of Evil was formed in 1865 when Kang, the Conqueror traveled through time to end the American Civil War. After ordering Lee Harvey Oswald to assassinate Abraham Lincoln with Hitler's enchanted pistol he appointed Santa Claus who was later strangled by Andrew Johnson on the front lawn of the White House. Kang manipulated Johnson's gay lover Captain Planet into providing funds for the Masters of Evil.
edit Kang the Conquerer
Kang is a time-faring, tights-wearing super scuba-diver/clown who was born in the year 1939 when Hitler invaded Poland with his army of sausages and German beer. Born Marty McFly, Kang took on a new name after accidentally erasing his parents from existence. He was sent to Cybertron in 1967 to save Princess Zelda from the evil Decepticon known as Vibratron. After restoring the princess and having extreme amounts of sex, Zelda gave birth to Tony Stark, A.K.A. Iron Man and his twin brother Victor Von Doom, A.K.A. Doctor Doom. Having expended all his tantric energy, Kang took to mastering the technology of the Decepticons and conquered their planet after defeating Megatron with the help of Master Asia. Both would later join the team.
Kang traveled through time and space conquering everything he came in contact with. After his Tie Fighter was knocked off course by a Galactic shockwave brought on when Ultra Jesus activated the Halo rings, he found himself in 1962 fighting the Avengers who he defeated and captured but was later defeated by a group of meddling kids and their dog.
He was the first Sovereign of the Masters of Evil and was later succeeded by Joseph Smith.
edit Master Asia
After defeating Megatron with a very long wash cloth (used to cover his massive chode) Master Asia joined Kang in spreading Universal Genocide and AIDs. As one of the founding members, Master Asia created their Real Estate Head Quarters on Pluto’s surface with his bare hands after calling for Chuck Norris’ aid. Master Asia was possibly the most powerful Master of Evil and after defeating Goku in the Negative Zone he left the group and created Super Asia.
Megatron joined the famous group of Super Villains/Pop Sensations under the alias “Vage-a-tron”. Megatron was actually created by Hank Pym A.K.A. Paul Bunion when he had sex with Robocop. After serving three tours in Vietnam and the JesusTron Wars he traveled to Cybertron and overthrew the dictatorship lead by R2-D2 and his satanic counter-part/gay lover Ryan Seacrest. After liberating the peoples of Cybertron he decided to kill all of the robo-men and enslave all of the robo-women so that he could produce the entire future population of Cybertron using his massive 12-ton Chode cannon. He was later defeated by Kang and Master Asia and before Master Asia delivered the coupe de grace he begged for mercy (with his anus and tongue) and joined the Masters of Evil which was ironic because Optimus Prime joined the Fantastic Four at the same time. Megatron later created a cure for Super AIDS but destroyed it on National Television right before he sodomized Tony Snow. He created Voltron in an attempt to destroy the Avengers in 1973 but his plot was foiled when Iron Man and Shigeru Miyamoto created Wing Zero, piloted by Prince Vegeta to defeat Voltron. Megatron later died of Colon Cancer ironically a week after Optimus Prime. Their funerals were held on the same day, July 4, 1996 just after the world was saved from the Covenant by Will Smith.
edit Captain Ginyu
Captain Ginyu is a male stripper from East LA who landed a gig as a dance choreographer for the proposed "Ginyu Force". Before he was know as Captain Ginyu people usually called him Tito Jackson until one day when his brother Michael Jackson attempted to assassinate Mr. Rogers and compromised his entire family. He underwent reconstructive surgery and now resembles a herpes infested ball-sack. "Captain Ginyu" came out of the closet after having severed his ties to the Jackson Five so he wouldn't ruin their already fucked-up reputation. Freeza, master of the Super-Gays instructed Ginyu on how to harness his flamboyant homosexuality into "art" and sent him to recruit the gayest dancers in the galaxy: Recoome, Jeice, Guldo, and Burter. Thus the Ginyu Force was born.
edit David Bowie
David Bowie, known as En Saba Nur by the Ancient Egyptians starred in a movie called “Labyrinth” after becoming a musical super star. He is most known for his cameo in the film “Zoolander”. David was approached by the agency and was asked to join when his shape-shifting super powers were shown to the world on the silver screen. He accepted and began his notorious career in villainy. After defeating Iron Man when he disguised himself as a bottle of beer and caused Iron Man to blackout, Bowie was promoted to Sovereign of the Masters of Evil and almost conquered the world if it were not for Elton John and his co-patriot Bono. He later promoted Ch’od to his rank and went on to lead the Guild of Calamitous Intent”.
edit Doctor Doom
Doctor Doom was depicted as the leader of The Masters of Evil in the game “Marvel: Ultimate Alliance”. Marvel was later sued by the current sovereign at the time Ch’od for providing false information. Doctor Doom was only a client who bought his castle from the agency and was seen waxing Captain Ginyu’s head from time to time. The case was later dropped because Doctor Doom eventually killed Ch’od and took over the agency thus making the game true. He later led his army of Mormon Commandos provided by Joseph Smith and destroyed the planet Krypton.
edit Joseph Smith
After joining the agency when he set St. Peter’s Cathedral on fire Joseph was found by Jesus when he and the Masters of Evil traveled to heaven to re-kill JFK. Jesus told him to create an army of Christians in Utah allowing men to have multiple wives so that they may breed their army faster. In 1983 the Mormon Armada rivaled that of the Catholic Super-Knights, an army of robot crusaders held under the Vatican.
Ch’od, pronounced “Chode”, joined the Masters of Evil after Corsair was defeated by Steven Seagal and all of the other Starjammers fell victim to Super AIDS. Ch’od quickly rose in the ranks when he killed Jean Grey, A.K.A. Cameron Diaz for the 100th time and replaced Bill Clinton with Ash Ketchum as president of the United States. Ash was later found mutilated in the oval office when Prince Vegeta caught him sodomizing Bulma and his son Trunks. Ch’od eventually became the sovereign of the Masters of Evil and defeated the Wonder Twins when they tried to engulf the world in their super-gayness. Ch’od was later killed by Doctor Doom by an overdose of cheese to his ovaries.
The current sovereign of the Masters of Evil is none other than Stan Lee himself… Super God of the known Multiverse over Stephen Colbert. Stan Lee realized that the Masters of Evil was the single most important agency in the Multiverse because it protected him from his only weakness, waffles and finding a house, and decided to overthrow Doctor Doom so that he may make sure these things never affected Super God ever again. Stan Lee mobilized the entire agency in a war against Canada and Southern Cambodia, a war that raged for sixty millennia in the Mushroom Kingdom and ended when Ultra Jesus was ultra-crucified under Princess Toadstool making the Masters very angry. Stan Lee went on to destroy the entire nation of Canada with his laser eyes and declared the new body of water the Sea of Ultra Jesus.