Mass Effect 2
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Mass Effect 2|
Mass Effect 2: The Sequel: The Game: Redeemer: Avenger: Apotheosis: Depridation: Antipathy: Consternation: Inundation: Aggregation: Special Edition
|Release date||Never, for it has been with us for all eternity.|
|Genre||uber acid trip|
|Platform(s)||Crapbox 360, Gaystation3 (fuck you, fanboys), PCP|
|Would Jennifer Love Hewitt play it?||Not play, fuck.|
“So, brave soldiers, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth!”
“What an eccentric performance.”
“I'm commander Shepard and this is my favourite page on uncyclopedia.”
Mass Effect 2, the sequel to Mass Effect Galaxy, is an action-role-playing-sci-fi game developed by BioWare. Players take control as a zombie soldier who must save the galaxy from a race of maniacal space robots called "Reapers" bent on destroying all civilization every 50,000 years. Given there is no logical motive behind this, the prevailing assumption is this is done for the lulz. You must lead a group of the most badass people to have never existed on a suicide mission into the galactic center so as to exterminate a local infestation of parasites.
Mass Effect 2 broke new ground by allowing players to settle conflicts in a diplomatic, peaceful manner, generally over a cup of tea while discussing competitive croquet, or, conversely, by smashing people's teeth in. The edition of stripping entire planets of their natural resources using only your ship and a few probes was considered pure genius by most critics, but fixing the delayed loading for the texture details was generally seen as a "bad move". Mass Effect 2 also includes an improved cover system, notably similar to that of Gears of War.
In fact, it has been rumored that Mass Effect 3 will include chainsaw bayonets and a mediocre storyline as well. Well I got one out of two right.
The player takes control of Commander Shepard (i.e. God), head of the SSV Freaking Normandy, a ship so awesome and stealthy it can sneak into your house and buttfuck you in your sleep without you ever realizing it. Sadly, this is not enough to keep a giant, flying turd from blowing the fuck out of you within the first five minutes. You die while trying to save your pilot, Joker (bastard never thanked you). Fortunately, help arrived, in the form of a pro-human extremist organization called "Cerberus" that's run by a guy who looks like he's in charge of the future's Playboy Mansion.
edit The Beginning
Cerberus eventually rebuilds you after two years and with about say, I don’t know . . . six billion dollars? You awake on an operating table in a medical facility overrun by haxxored robots and heroically leave dozens if not hundreds of people to die because some bitch tells you to. Without any explanation as to who exactly was behind the attack, aside from the doc being unhappy with his pay check as a terrorist, you go to meet your maker . . . again. Your maker is named The Illusive Man (TIM) and is best known for having the coolest office view in the galaxy. You agree to help him save humanity and immediately resume your post as the galaxy's caretaker.
You and your new best buddies go to a human colony that has just gone silent to find out why millions of people are disappearing, since the council once again has taken on a mindset resembling America right before we got tea-bagged by Japan. You find a member of your former crew here, Tali'Zorah, who sadly cannot join your mission to save humanity because she needs to monitor a star. Whatever, she joins in time. You discover soon afterwards that a race of bug people called "Collectors" are abducting humans with flying saucers to seemingly perform sexual acts on them in the name of science.
With the mission completed, you meet up with Joker 2.0 and the new and improved Normandy, as well as EDI, the ship's A.I. that you are convinced will attempt to take over the world(s). Unfazed, you proceed to form a team of unstoppable, ass-kicking, downright fashionable killing-machines
edit The Middle
Soon you must save another remote colony from the Collectors. Fortunately, they only brought one ship (or they only have one ship; I'm not sure), so you just shoot at it until they fuck off. You meet Ashley/Kaiden, who's totally pissed that you are trying to save people and storms off angrily, leaving you dazed and confused over how little sense she/he made. Later, you meet with Liara, who's been totally bitchified, and Wrex, who is still awesome but busy running a planet and sadly cannot join you.
But whatever, you're fucking Commander Shepard, and you have shit to do. Eventually, you track down the Collector ship and discover that they are actually the Protheans, who you thought died out a while ago and who supposedly are responsible for the basis of all technology in whatever century it is. The Protheans today look a helluva lot different than what was seen on Ilos, and this is explained by extreme inbreeding. Admiral Ackbar forgets to make a cameo, and as such you fall into a trap while trying to steal the Collector's secret plans to the ultimate ice cream dispenser. You dramatically escape at the last second.
By now you should have recruited a lizard with lung cancer, a science fair experiment, a smurf milf, a punk chick, Boba Fett (British version), Paul Blart/The Punisher, a salarian Nikola Tesla, a master thief (Why is she involved in a military operation? Whatever, she's awesome.), and the hottest chick ever who, of course, can't take off her suit without dying. If you didn't take care of this yet, as well as the personal missions, your going to regret not listening to Miranda the one time she was right. Whatever the case, you've decided to go get that IFF thingy. But exploring a derelict Reaper wasn't expected to be easy, and you end up fighting off hordes of techno-zombies. It is here you meet Legion, the greatest robot ever who seems a little obsessed with you (He DID steal your space trash. And wore it.).
So hopefully by now you got the IFF, the crew, their loyalty, your ship upgrades, and those awesome sunglasses. This is about the time you and your entire team get shoved off in the shuttle for no apparent reason than to presumably jack-off for a few hours in space while your ship is attacked by Collectors. You play Joker for a few minutes while he tries to save the ship with EDI's help because she couldn't ask anyone else, like someone in the AI core or engine room, other than the cripple to do it. It's about here that you realize how much of a narrow-minded prick you were for being suspicious of EDI in the first place. Way to go, jackass. She assumes direct control and poops out the Collectors.
Well, the crew was taken, so you have to choose between leaving them to die or risking your team dying - if you fucked up, that is. Either way, you have decided at this point to embark on the most daring mission to ever be embarked upon. Fortunately, the Collectors have no other external defences than some giant eyeballs and that flying honeycomb, and you manage to make it to their base after firing ze lazer. You fight through platoons of enemy soldiers and eventually make it to the result of millions of kidnapped humans: a giant milkshake. TIM calls and tries to persuade you to hand over the most advanced technology known to all civilization to him and his terrorist pals. The giant milkshake wakes up when you try and blow up the base, so you shoot it a few times in the eye with a pistol until it dies. You escape just in time, stick it to TIM upon your return, and as you look into space you realize that you're about to star in the greatest extraterrestrial gang-bang ever since the Half Life ending.
- Commander Shepard- As already established, you are God. You have unlimited legal authority over anyone in Citadel Space, and you stroll around the Terminus like it's nobody's business. Sadly, you suffer from schizophrenia; one minute you're saving factory workers from a fire, and the next you're destroying an entire race of inorganic life forms. Still, you are generally regarded as more badass than
Leonidas Steven Colbert King Arthur Wolverine Charlie Brooker toothpaste Steve Irwin Joseph Stalin Marie Curie Michael Critchton Pancho Villa George Orwell Joan of Arc GlaDos whoever invented pancakes<insert name here>. In recent times, due to economic issues, you have been forced to become a corporate spokesperson for several, usually competing, companies.
- The Illusive Man- A man with seemingly unlimited power, he essentially owns you. He got his cyber eyes early in life while serving time in a slam, one where they tell you you'll never see daylight again. After his escape at the age of thirty, he spent a decade selling used condoms that he passed off as new from the back of an RV. He actually hurt the condom industry so much that they bought him out for $1,000,000,000,000,000. He used this newfound wealth to immediately organize Cerberus, as well as a fast-food chain (The Incredible Taco Shack for Kids) that failed miserably.
- Grunt- Similar to Wrex, but not as awesome. He's also stuck in puberty, which is why he has hot interspecies intercourse with Miranda later in the game.
- Samara- She's like Superman, but without a cape. She's like Wonder Woman, but blue. She's like Cat woman, but with real powers. She's like Batman, but with a lot more cleavage.
- Jacob Taylor- Token black guy.
- Miranda Lawson- A sentient pair of tits who talks for some reason. Is a high ranked terrorist, mass murderer, criminal, kidnapper, and does not value human life in the least. But the developers assumed the power of Boobs would keep players from beating her to death with her own hideous jawbone.
- Thane Krios- Smooth motherfucking lizard alien. Has some kind of space cancer which cannot be cured. He also has a son, but he is a complete dick.
- Jack- Crazy space bitch who was abducted as a child. It turns out she just wanted a friend to hug her. She also wears nothing but tattoos.
- Mordin Solus- He is the very model of a scientist Salarian, he studies species: Turian, Asari and Batarian. He's quite good at genetics.... fuck it. He's a smart, crazy, fast-talking alien.
- Garrus Vakarian- Garrus is your bro, your main man. He's especially popular among the ladies, although I don't know when rock-faced birds became attractive. He wants revenge on some guy because his magic markers were stolen. Sheppard tells him he needs to chill the fuck out cause he used to be above that sort of thing, which is weird since I generally remember Garrus as an "ends justify the means", "I'm going to beat you to death with your skull" kind of dude.
- Legion- A geth who joins your forces against the Reapers. Legion struggles to grasp the mysteries of organic life, such as the feeling of love, 70's dance moves, and binge drinking. He stalked you for a couple of years, but that's OK, because it's expected considering how awesome you are.
- Tali'Zorah vas Neema Banana Bana Bo Beema Fanana Fana Fo Feema Fee Fi Fo Feema Neema- The entire Mass Effect gaming community was punk'd by BioWare in probably the cruelest mass prank ever recorded in history when Tali's face was not shown during the climatic love scene, which lead to immediate, worldwide rioting and suicide. In fact, few people have actually finished the game, as most players who survive the traumatizing disappointment and are not jailed for violent acts against the game's developers receive years of psychiatric care. As a result of this prank, the United States launched a military strike at Canada and firebombed Edmonton, killing 5,386 and injuring 20,000 more.
- Zaeed Massani- A bounty hunter who joined your team because the Illusive Man offered him all the Internetz. He may be more hardcore than you, considering that he got shoot in the face and survived. He had a scandalous love affair with his assault rifle, Jessie.
- Kasumi Goto- Out of all the women on the ship you can bang, Kasumi is the coolest one. Aside from the fact you can't bang her, which inevitably led to multitudes of drooling fan boys writing thousands upon thousands of poorly written fanfics. Ans she is also the guinea pig for Bioware to show how hot Wapanese can be in a W-rpg and she always ends her sentence with a "desu" or "nyan".
- Joker- Sticks and stones may break his bones, but a punch will do the job just fine.
- EDI- An acronym for "Everyone Does Inhalants", EDI is basically your ship. The armor is her skin, the trash compactor is her rectum, the cannons are her eye beams, and you are her worms. She could replace the entire crew, including Joker, but enemy computers can't handle their mad skillz.
- Harbinger- An extreme control freak who for some reason has to remind you that his fireball kamehamehas hurt you. At the age of twelve, Harbinger developed severe lactose intolerance - "ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!!!" - ALL HAIL THE HYPNOTOAD!
- Wrex- He is basically saving his planet (and therefore his species) by threatening to skull-fuck anyone who disagrees with him.
- Liara- Since losing Shepard, she has gone on to have an identity crisis and now thinks she's a combination of the CIA and her Mum. She spent two years hunting for your dead body because her dildo broke. But at the very least, she is, of course, totally immune to all forms of mind con- "ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!!!"
- Ashley/Kaiden- After the first Mass Effect game, Ashley/Kaiden lost her/his personality and sense of logic.
- Council- Despite you saving their ass, saving everyone else's ass, being right about Saren, being right about an attack on the Citadel, killing anyone who tried to fuck you over, and killing some people for the hell of it, the Council continues to completely defy common sense. "Well of course there was a reason Sovereign latched on to the Citadel. They were, um, trying to . . . uh, well . . . you see, they were . . . . . . dismissed that claim. "
Mass Effect 2 holds a modest average score of over 9000% by practically all reviewers. However, many Batarians criticized the game for its "obvious prejudice." The ACL (Annoyed Cunt Lobby) was soon formed after the game's release and attempted to appeal to ESPN to have the game banned. When told to fuck off, most ACL members resorted to violent acts against Bio Ware’s developers. Believing the attacks to be those of the disgruntled Taliban, BioWare responded by sending them pictures of Tali being defiled by Ambassador Udina. The pictures were surprisingly effective, and the Batarians retreated to Terminus space.
Universally respected analrapist Dr. Tobias Funke claims there is significant evidence that "Mass Effect 2 will increase your sex appeal dramatically."
In 2013 Mass Effect 2 received its first expansion, titled simply 'Mass Effect 2: Pope Harder'. The player takes control of a new human character, The Pope, as Commander Shepard is stranded on the ice world Hoth readying his ship for the gathering storm. Unfortunately for humanity, Hitler. However, in the game, the Pope has to confront his Krogan nemesis, Hagrid, as he attempts to cure the genophage and release a new, more powerful, breed of white protestant middle class Krogan.
This expansion came with two more characters, the Virgin Mary, a merciless assassin, and Jesus H. Christ, an immortal fast-talking brother from Harlem, as well as almost 10 minutes of extra game play. If you purchased the special Collector's edition, you also received a finger of our Lord, a vial of holy water, 5 breaded Jesus discs and a bookmark made from Richard Dawkins' tongue.
The reviews have been mixed, with the Daily Star calling it 'the best game since Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge', while IGN has referred to the expansion as 'adequate'.
- ↑ Mainly those who spent hours probing Uranus.
- ↑ We can rebuild him, faster, stronger, and without the third nipple.
- ↑ Although, technically, you're her bitch.
- ↑ The galaxy is in a weird place when terrorists are the ones performing humanitarian acts of kindness.
- ↑ And also to get revenge for the brutal oppression insects faced for centuries due to human prejudice. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!
- ↑ It was recently featured in "Pimp My Interstellar Spaceship".
- ↑ Just a tad insane, as well.
- ↑ Or so the establishment will have you believe, the lying bastards. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!
- ↑ It involves bacon, so it has to be legit.
- ↑ "In theory, any biotic could do it." Garrus' blood is on your hands, Miranda. Your hands.
- ↑ Who's battle strategy consists of attacking in fives and sixes.
- ↑ The one where you didn't decide to wait six years for the sequel.