From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
President for Life Mary Patricia McAleese (born 27 June 1951) is the de facto "Leader" of the Republic of Ireland. She is tremendous in stature, standing 6 foot 11 inches in height and is reported to weigh around 19 stones (266 pounds), with fiery red hair and testicles like a racehorse. She is Ireland's second female "Leader" and the world's first woman to succeed another woman as an elected head of state.
Her North American name is Mayor Hairy Muck Alicia due to a misunderstanding which is common there, referred to as "deafness".
McAleese was originally named Jimmy "Justin" Tyme after being dropped down the chimney of her future family in Ardoyne, Belfast by a soon-to-retire stork which collapsed and suffered a stroke soon after. Her family was forced to leave the area by 11 angry midgets when the Troubles broke out. She was educated at St. Dominic's School for the Utterly Inebriated, the Queen's University of Belfast (from which she graduated in 1973 but later had the degree revoked due to an altercation with the Queen, see section below), and Trinity College Dublin. She was called to the Northern Ireland Bar in 1974 but was ordered to leave again as it was all a big joke.
During the same decade she acted as legal advisor to, and a founding member of, the Campaign for Homosexual Law Reform, but she left this position in 1979 when she had a sex change to become a woman. In 1976 she married Martin McAleese. He (Martin McAleese) was a member of the Catholic Church Epiglottis Delegation to the New Ireland Forum in 1984 and a member of the Catholic Church delegation to the Northern Ireland Commission on Contentious and Silly Parades in 1996.
McAleese trained within a secretive chapter of the Irish Catholic Church, the Catholic Organization for Complete Knowledge Fudging and Assimilation of Cultchie Eejits (COCKFACE) in isolation from friends and family for several years (just like Batman did with those Monk lads in the mountains in Batman Begins), and it is this intense training regime which allowed her to intimidate and rape her rivals in politics and to repel anyone who may try to challenge her.
McAleese rose to power in 1997 after a bloody coup which saw her predecessor gunned down in her night gown in the GPO. A massive death match occurred in Dublin's St. Stephen's Green Shopping Centre the following morning, during which She slaughtered Fin nAg Whael's (clearly evil and mildly retarded or at least a little mentally hilarious) Enda Kenny by feeding him his own legs. Mary is one hell of a fuckin' fighter.
Mary rules Ireland with an iron fist, her shear physical dominance leaving her untouchable.
No longer a very popular figure in Ireland she is rarely seen in public but instead hides out in her castle much like her half-sister, Enya. The photo (right) shows one few modern photos of her on a sunny day in 2005, note the look of pure disgust on her face as some peasant children play too close to her demesne (she later ate all four children).
edit Threesome with the Queen
In July 2006, McAleese had an arranged audience with the Queen of England during this progressive meeting Mary invited The Queen to a threesome in Áras an Uachtaráin with the taoiseach at the time Bertie Aherne to help improve the relations between the nations, the Queen gracefully accepted the offer and the three of them retired to Áras an Uachtaráin for a night of intense sex followed by a press conference the next morning where the Queen would discuss her her first sexual encounter with "the paddy" . The international media waited outside Áras an Uachtaráin with baited breath all night to see how what the experience was like and to see did the Queen enjoy her first sexual encounter with Irish people. The Queen stumbled out the front door of Áras an Uachtaráin with a big sexy dirty smile on her wrinkly face and the look that she had been rode hard to announce to the world that she hadn't had a moments sleep and that she had cum five times that night a record for her and that Bertie Aherne cum tasted like "fine English duck" . Irish and British people everywhere rejoiced. Since the steamy night the two nations had put their differences aside for a little sexual healing and "the troubles" have stoped and relations between the two countries have never been better.