Mary, Did You Know?

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Mary, did you know...
Virgin Mary pregnancy test

...that abstinence isn't always effective?

  • ...that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
  • ...that your baby boy has walked where angels trot? Criss Angel, that is.
  • ...that Crissmas would make a really cool holiday?
  • ...that you were conceived without the stain of original sin? Don't ask us how we know this.
  • ...that it is better to be full of grace than full of crap?
  • ...that you are blessed among women, with the exception of Jael and Judith because they were good at killing enemies in their sleep?
  • ...that in Soviet Russia, this child that you've delivered will soon deliver YOU!!
  • ...the deaf will hear?
  • ...the lame will leap?
  • ....the praises OF THE LAAAAAAAAAAAMB!
  • ...that you shouldn't really call it a "silent night" when angels are blasting frickin' trumpets and waking up the neighbors at the most ungodly hour?
  • ...that following a star leads you in circles? It took us forever to get here!
  • ...that Amanda Krueger from that rape victims support group wonders why you never text back?
  • ...that the mothers of various pagan gods and Augustus's mother were also virgins? Probably just a coincidence.
  • ...that you will only have a three-day window on your son's life insurance policy?
  • ...this sleeping child you're holding is the great I Am? Like, woah, man! WOAH! WOAH!!

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