Marty Friedman

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マーティ・フリードマン
Maati 1
Background Information
Birth name マーティン・アダム・フリードマン
Born December 8, 1962
JAPAN!
Genres J-Pop
Instrument Guitar
Years active 1982 - present
Associated acts Japan (The country, not the band.)

Marty Friedman[1] (マーティ・フリードマン, Maati Furiidoman) (born December 8, 1962) is a Japanese guitarist and TV superstar, known the world over for how awesome he is. For a short period of time, he played in some American bands.

Music Career

Maati 6

Marty is very good at playing guitar. Playing guitar is a lot like having sex.

Maati 5

The ability to use chopsticks is a uniquely Japanese skill.

Nanase

Aikawa Nanase yearns for Marty.

Maati 8

    No! Dave!
Don't eat that!
That's not food!
That's a fretboard!

Aki

This picture kick-started Marty's puberty in 1974.

Marty is a largely self-taught guitarist. This is because no one is good enough to teach him anything. In fact, Marty saw so many flaws in the conventional study of guitar and music theory, that he decided to start from scratch and re-derive music from the ground up. Marty invented many well-known and popular scales including the Ciprian scale, the Slendro scale, and the Harmonic Minor scale.

Early Days

While in high school, Marty formed the band Deuce, which got him laid a lot. And not just by high school girls, either. Every girl from college co-eds to MILFs wanted to be ravaged by Marty. It was during this time that Marty developed his discerning taste in women. After this, Marty moved to Hawaii and formed the band Hawaii. Roughly 17% of Hawaii's population is Japanese, so Marty felt right at home. Another 16% of Hawaiians are native Polynesians, who are also pretty hot, especially when they're not fat. Other Asians (not including Filipinos, who don't count) make up 7% of the population.

Cacophony

In 1986, while in America, Marty discovered a young guitarist named Jason Becker. Marty saw promise in the child, and taught him everything he knows. When Jason got good enough, he and Marty formed the band Cacophony, which was the fastest band ever.

Cacophony was not very successful in the US, because most Americans cannot hear fast enough to listen to it. So Marty took the band on a tour of Japan. The Japanese people love Cacophony, because they have superior hearing, and also they like it when a band's lead guitarist is Japanese. Marty would have loved to keep the tour going forever, but eventually, the band had to return to the US because Jason was like 15 or 16 years old or something like that and missed his parents.

Post-Cacphony

In 1990, Marty joined the band Megadeth. While in Megadeth, Marty pushed the band from a crappy thrash metal sound to a much more interesting j-pop sound, and was responsible for the band selling over 100 million albums world wide. Thanks to Marty's connections to the Japanese music industry, Megadeth was allowed to play The Nippon Budokan, which is the biggest and most important musical venue in the world.

In 1999, Marty quit Megadeth because Dave Mustaine is a jerk.

Post-Post-Cacophony

After this frivolous aberration from his career, Marty went back to making real music.

Aikawa Nanase, who is super hot, fell in love with Marty. Since she is married, however, she can't have him. So she did the next closest thing, ask him to play guitar in her band. Marty, being a gentleman, obliged her. As soon as they started playing together, her career took off, and many other j-pop idols got jealous. One after another, they begged and pleaded Marty to come and play with them. He now plays guitar for every single band in Japan. Marty is also singlehandedly responsible for the revival of Enka.

You might wonder how Marty has time to play with every Japanese band ever. This is a good question, but the answer is simple. After watching the South Park episode "4th Grade", in which the characters construct a time machine using Timmy's wheelchair, Marty called in some favors from former Cacophony bandmate Jason.

Television

Everywhere Marty goes, television camera crews just seem to follow him around. He can't help it. He doesn't know why it happens, but suspects it is because of a) how interesting he is and b) how sexy he is. As a result, Marty is on TV almost all the time. Like the fictional "The Truman Show", "The Marty Show" (which is not an actual show, just a trendy new slang term used as a catch-all for a whole bunch of different shows about Marty) is one of the most popular forms of entertainment in Japan.

One of Marty's favorite pastimes is hanging out with really cool famous people and playing music-centric parlour games with them. As it turns out, people who are not cool enough to hang out with these famous people themselves enjoy living vicariously through Marty, and these games, serialized as Rock Fujiyama (which means "Mt. Fuji is a giant rock") are watched by more people than any other Japanese TV show. In addition, wapanese people and wannabe-guitarists around the world download the show from the internet all the time, to the point where they often slow down other peoples' personal internet connections. While Marty doesn't condone piracy, he is fine with it because he knows he is irresistible viewing, and it would be wrong to deprive anyone of him.

Political Career

In 1986, Marty released the landmark album Marty's Awesome... But Who Didn't Know That?, the title track of which contained such lyrics as "What do you mean I don't believe in God? I am God!", "What do you mean I can't get to work on time? I set my own hours!", and "What do you mean I couldn't be the Prime Minister of Japan? Both houses of the Diet would vote for me if they got the chance!" Following this album, "Marty Friedman for Prime Minister of Japan" became a common rallying cry amongst Marty's fans.

As it turns out, the song was prophetic and both houses of the Diet did vote Marty into the position in 2006. He took over the position from Koizumi Junichirō, who, during his resignation speech, said "I may have been the coolest Prime Minister Japan has ever seen, but I am not nearly a third as cool as Marty." Koizumi and Marty have similar tastes in music. Both are fans of X Japan, Morning Musume, and Elvis Presley.

Anyway, Marty decided he didn't really want to be the Prime Minister, because it took time away from his music career and his television career and his sexing up hot Japanese chicks career, so he resigned. To this day, he is the only member of Megadeth to have ever held political office.

Girls Marty has crushes on, listed alphabetically

  • Arashiro Beni
  • Asabuki Keito
  • Kaji Meiko
  • Maeda Yuki
  • Shirley Manson
  • Masuyama Eiko
  • Misora Hibari
  • Otonashi Kyōko
  • Grace Park
  • Roppongi Akemi
  • Shimakura Chiyoko
  • Takahashi Rumiko
  • Todoroki Yukiko
  • Umeki Miyoshi
  • Yashiro Aki
  • Emerald Yeh

References

  1. For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Marty "Maati" Friedman.


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