Martin Luther King, Jr.
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“He could bring me to the promised land multiple times a night.”
Martin Luther King, Jr. (January 15, 1929 – April 4, 1968) was an American clergyman, activist and prominent leader in the African-American civil rights movement. His main legacy was to secure progress on civil rights in the United States, and for that he has become a human rights icon. Now recognized as a martyr by two Christian churches and most American calendars, King, a Baptist minister, became a civil rights activist and an outspoken advocate of nonviolence early in his career when he led the 1955 Montgomery Bus Boycott. He then wrote books, co-founded the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in 1957 (serving as its first president), and helped inspire Nashville's students into a wave of activism in the early 1960s. King's prominence and SCLC's success in Birmingham soon led to the August 28, 1963 March on Washington, where Dr. King delivered his famous "I Have a Dream" speech. There, he raised public consciousness of the civil rights movement and established himself as one of the greatest orators in U.S. history. He was also a major douche.
Oh, sure. I know I'm taking a big risk coming out against King. National hero, and whatnot. Look, I'm not a racist, although I play one quite effectively on Fox News. But look at the facts. King and I are both major douches, but he got away with it because he risked his life standing up against the man while all I do is front for the GOP. I'm not saying he didn't do some amazing things. I mean, the guy chaired the Montgomery Bus Boycotts, but it did put dozens upon dozens of hard-working white men out of work. And his "I Have a Dream" speech was nothing short of amazing - it made my toes curl like nobody since Gretchen Carlson dressed up as a french maid and played paddycake with Laura Ingraham. But have you ever had a nice respectable woman come out and say, "Oh, that Martin Luther King, Jr., he was a fantastic man. You should have seen the way he helped all the old women in town across the street"? No, you haven't. And do you know why? Because Martin Luther King, Jr. never helped any nice old women across the street. Instead these saints had to get across the street all on their own.
But his life was dedicated to peacefully ending a horrible establishment in the United States!
Oh, sure, go ahead and be the voice of reason here, remind readers that this man spent his life in the cause of freeing an entire nation from the heavy anvils of hate and the legal yoke of "I'm better than you, na na, na na na" laws. But you know what? Roger Ailes told me there was just no reasoning with Martin Luther King, Jr. Look at the arrest of Rosa Parks--and don't even get me started and drunkenly propped up on my soapbox about her. Everyone talks about how Parks refused to give up her seat near the front of a bus, in a brave stand against racism a mere nine months after a high school girl did the same thing. But no one honors the heroic bus driver, who somehow stopped himself from escorting her right out of the bus himself but instead just had her thrown in jail. Saint of a man. Well, Rush Limbaugh told me the other day over sausages and sauerkraut at the Ritz that after Rose Parks was arrested Dr. King celebrated by going out to some of the local neighborhoods and ding-dong ditching the shit out of them until 1 a.m. in the morning. Rang the doorbells and ran! What kind of person does that?
And that was just something he did as an adult. As a teen, King was nearly impossible to control.. More than one of his high school teachers said that King refused to cover his face when he sneezed, often projecting a mixture of snot, spittle, and coca-cola out a good 15 feet. And witnesses have reported that one Halloween King, probably dressed in a KKK robe for all I know, was spotted egging and tee-peeing his neighbors home. And, and, yeah, wait...his best friend in 8th grade always talked about how King "never shared his toothbrush with anybody, even though he had the best one on the block." Oh, and of course there were all the times he beat his wife.
Hold on, hold on O'Reilly. It has been well documented that King and Coretta had a wonderful, loving relationship.
Oh, you thought I was talking about physically beating his wife... Haha, oh no. The man was truly a pacifist from the day he got beat up by a kid for trying to take his lunch money. No, I mean that he often beat his wife at Parcheesi.
Oh my, yes. King was a renowned Parcheesi player during his time. In 1965 he was ranked eighth in the world by the National Association of American Competitive Parcheesi Players (NAACPP). The man was so smooth in getting his blockades set up, and his ability to get doublets from out of nowhere was legendary. But did he ever have the time to teach his wife how to play? No. He goes in, beats her at parcheesi three times in a row, and when she asks "Honey, can you teach me a trick or two?" he's "busy" and has to "organize a rally," or "speak at a church." As if God would ever want to listen to the boredom coming out of this guy's mouth. But his friends, like Clarence Thomas and Dennis Miller, often talk about how King would come running over to their houses, trying to "Escape the nag," then drink their beer, pass out on the couch, throw up all over their coffee table and stumble out onto the street just before noon. But no one ever says anything like that except Ann Coulter because he was so important to the cause. God, it makes me ill how no one ever stood up to King. Especially on all his hunts for booty.
Ah, yes. I have actually heard that King had a problem with infidelities during his marriage.
What?! Really? Well, I'll have to get my staff at The Factor to look into that. But, I was actually talking about all of the times he forced his friends to go out and scour the beaches for pirate booty. Needless to say, no one had a good time. Especially when King got into full Pirate gear and started to speak with a pirate accent. J. Edgar Hoover filmed some of those romps, according to Liz Cheney.
Oh, Geez...O'Reilly, You know what, I want to hear about his famous "I Have a Dream" Speech.
Oh, sure. Who doesn't want to hear about that speech. "I have a dream" this and "I have a dream" that. Yes, he said some nice things to a few dozen people. But no one wants to talk about his actions after the speech except for Glenn Beck, who told me that the NAACPP have some pretty damning documentation that a few of their members found King naked, wrapped in a battered American Flag and a dead hooker, smelling suspiciously like hashish. But will those documents ever come to light? No, because Martin Luther King, Jr. is like a damn demigod in America. No one besides Beck, Hannity, Ingraham, Coulter, Breit Bart and myself have the balls to come out and tell the truth about King.
Are you on something? Truly you'd admit it was a sad day in America when King was assassinated.
Assassinated, right. Send me some proof of that, name and town name and town. Because everyone in my right-wing talk-show circles knows that King was stabbed after he went on one of his pantyraids. That's what Coluter tells us, that the guy just planted himself underneath the wrong motel room that night, asking for the panties of one of the more respected women in town. When her father found Dr. King under her window, wearing her panties on top of his head, what was he supposed to do? Hannity says that the guy was just "protecting" his family from a motel invasion. And then King goes and gets turned into a martyr - isn't it suspicious how the first five letters spell "Marty"? - because the liberal press is too afraid to tell everyone what went down. Just like any other normal person, Martin Luther King, Jr. liked hat panties. They still have a box of them at the King Center in Atlanta waiting to be catalogued, or so I've heard.
Where do you get off saying this stuff? Put up your dukes O'Reilly!!
No, no, wait. Why don't you believe me? If a black man serenaded your daughter under her motel room, let's see what you'd do. Don't look at me that way. I'm not a racist, I just listen to my people at The Factor. And like all God-fearing blue-blooded Americans, I've had my share of close calls on pantyraids. I know the risk. So isn't it about time that someone besides me and my friends came out with the truth? So I'll say it again. Martin Luther King Jr. was a douche. And Chinese. Just look at his statue on the National Mall. He's white, and obviously Chinese! Get over it. Ow! Hey, Stop that!
- ↑ Not that anyone was ever trying to control him or anything. No one would have done that. I mean, he refused a bribe of a million dollars to come out and tell black people to "just sit back and enjoy what they already had, and thank the nice policemen for keeping them in check." The guy was fucking unwavering on that for some reason.
- ↑ And don't even say I need to get rid of this red link. The fact that we don't have an article on this is a travesty. Do you hear me? A travesty.
- ↑ Oh, sure, you never hear about how boring his speeches were. Always got edited out by the liberal media. And what do you think he meant when he said "I've been to the mountaintop?" Just ask Jayne Mansfield. Go on, ask her.
- ↑ Mwahahaha.
- ↑ Approximately.
- ↑ Ha, good one. An old wives tale if I ever heard one.
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