Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Apparantly this is one of those pages which has to be introduced. Only the first paragraph (and the Jayne Mansfield quote of course) are about Dr. King. From that point on it's about the warped perception viewpoint of a Fox News personality when talking about Dr. King and his career. Now read the result:

“He could bring me to the promised land multiple times a night.”

~ Jayne Mansfield on Martin Luther King Jr.

Here we see King raising an entire race of people out from the reigns of injustice. Too bad he didn't tip his waitresses.

Martin Luther King, Jr. (January 15, 1929 – April 4, 1968) was an American clergyman, activist and prominent leader in the African-American civil rights movement. His main legacy was to secure progress on civil rights in the United States, and for that he has become a human rights icon. Now recognized as a martyr by two Christian churches and most American calendars, Dr. King, a Baptist minister, became a civil rights activist and an outspoken advocate of nonviolence early in his career when he led the 1955 Montgomery Bus Boycott. He then wrote books, co-founded the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in 1957 (serving as its first president), and helped inspire Nashville's students into a wave of activism in the early 1960s. King's prominence and SCLC's success in Birmingham soon led to the August 28, 1963 March on Washington, where Dr. King delivered his famous "I Have a Dream" speech. There, he raised public consciousness of the civil rights movement and established himself as one of the greatest orators in U.S. history.

He was also a major douche.

edit What?!

Oh, sure. I know I'm taking a big risk coming out against King. National hero and whatnot. Look, I'm not a racist, although I play one quite effectively on Fox News. But look at the facts. Dr. King and I are both major douches, but he got away with it because he risked his life standing up against the man while all I do is front for the GOP. I'm not saying he didn't do some amazing things. I mean, the guy chaired the Montgomery Bus Boycott, although it did put dozens of hard-working white men out of work. And his "I Have a Dream" speech was nothing short of amazing - it made my toes curl like nobody since Gretchen Carlson dressed up as a french maid and played paddycake with Laura Ingraham. But have you ever had a nice respectable woman come out and say, "Oh, that Martin Luther King, Jr., he was a fantastic man. You should have seen the way he helped all the old women in town across the street"? No, you haven't. And do you know why? Because Martin Luther King, Jr. never helped any nice old women across the street. Instead these saints had to get across the street all on their own.

edit But his life was dedicated to peacefully ending a horrible establishment in the United States!

That's William F. Buckley sitting behind Rosa Parks. See, it was his idea. He glued her to the seat! Now you know.

Oh, sure, go ahead and be the voice of reason here, remind readers that this man spent his life in the cause of freeing an entire nation from the heavy anvils of hate and the legal yoke of "I'm better than you, na na, na na na" laws. But you know what? Roger Ailes told me there was just no reasoning with Martin Luther King, Jr. Look at the arrest of Rosa Parks - and don't even get me started and drunkenly propped up on my soapbox about her. Everyone talks about how Parks refused to give up her seat near the front of a bus, in a brave stand against racism a mere nine months after a 15-year-old high school girl named Claudette Colvin did the same thing. But who honors the heroic bus driver, who somehow stopped himself from escorting her right off the bus but instead just had her thrown in jail? Saint of a man. Well, Rush Limbaugh told me just the other day over sausages and sauerkraut at the Ritz that after Rose Parks was arrested Dr. King celebrated by going out to the local neighborhoods and ding-dong ditching the shit out of them until 1 a.m. in the morning. Rang the doorbells and ran! What kind of person does that?

And that was just something he did as an adult. As a teen, King was nearly impossible to control.^[1]. More than one of his high school teachers said that King refused to cover his face when he sneezed, often projecting a mixture of snot, spittle, and coca-cola out a good 15 feet. And witnesses have reported that one Halloween King, probably dressed in a KKK robe for all I know, was spotted egging and tee-peeing his neighbors home. And, and, yeah, wait...his best friend in 8th grade always talked about how King "never shared his toothbrush with anybody, even though he had the best one on the block." Oh, and of course there were all the times he beat his wife.

edit Hold on, hold on buddy. It's been well documented that King and Coretta had a wonderful, loving relationship.

Dr. King sticks his gum under the table while an old guy takes a nap. Or vica versa.

Oh, you thought I was talking about physically beating his wife... Haha, oh no. The man was truly a pacifist from the day he got beat up by a kid for trying to take his lunch money. No, I mean that he often beat his wife at Parcheesi^[2].

edit Parcheesi?

Oh my, yes. King was a renowned Parcheesi player during his time. In 1965 he was ranked eighth in the world by the National Association of American Competitive Parcheesi Players (NAACPP). The man was so smooth in getting his blockades set up, and his ability to get doublets from out of nowhere was legendary. But did he ever have the time to teach his wife how to play? No. He goes in, beats her at parcheesi three times in a row, and when she asks "Honey, can you teach me a trick or two?" he's "busy" and has to "organize a rally," or "speak at a church." As if God would ever want to listen to the boredom coming out of this guy's mouth^[3]. But his friends, like Clarence Thomas and Dennis Miller, often talk about how King would come running over to their houses to try to "Escape the nag," then drink their beer, pass out on the couch, throw up all over the coffee table and stumble out onto the street just before noon. But no one ever says anything like that except Ann Coulter because he was so important to the cause. God, it makes me ill how no one ever stood up to King. Especially on all his hunts for booty.

edit Ah, yes. I have actually heard that King had a problem with infidelity.

What?! Really? Well, I'll have to get my staff at The Factor to look into that.^[4] But I was actually talking about all of the times he forced his friends to go out and scour the beaches for pirate booty. Needless to say, no one had a good time. Especially when King got into full Pirate gear and started to speak with a pirate accent. J. Edgar Hoover filmed some of those romps, according to Liz Cheney.

edit Oh, Geez... Just tell me about his famous "I Have a Dream" Speech.

Sure, who doesn't want to hear about that speech. "I have a dream" this and "I have a dream" that. Yes, he said some nice things to a few dozen^[5] people. But no one wants to talk about his actions after the speech except for Glenn Beck, who told me that the NAACPP have some pretty damning documentation that one their members - Rupert Murdochif memory serves - found King naked, wrapped in a battered American Flag with a dead hooker, both of them smelling suspiciously like hashish and shaving cream. But will those documents ever come to light? No, because Martin Luther King, Jr. is like a damn demigod in America. No one besides Beck, Hannity, Ingraham, Coulter, Murdoch and myself have the balls to come out and tell the truth about King.

edit Are you on something? Truly you'd admit it was a sad day in America when King was assassinated.

The Lorraine Motel, where Glenn Beck says King went on his final pantyraid.

Assassinated, right.^[6] Send me some proof of that, name and town name and town. Because everyone in my right-wing talk-show circles knows that King was poisoned after he went on one of his pantyraids. That's what Coulter tells us, that the guy just planted himself underneath the wrong motel room that night, asking for the panties of one of the more respected women in town. When her father found Dr. King wearing her panties on top of his head, what was he supposed to do? Sean Hannity says that the guy was just "protecting" his family from a motel invasion. Then King gets turned into a martyr - isn't it suspicious how the first five letters spell "Marty"? - because the liberal lame stream media is too afraid to tell everyone what went down. Just like any other normal person, Martin Luther King, Jr. liked hat panties. They still have a box of them at the King Center in Atlanta waiting to be catalogued, or so I've heard.

edit Where do you get off saying this stuff? Put up your dukes, O'Reilly!!

No, no, wait. Why don't you believe me? If a black man other than James Earl Jones serenaded your daughter under her motel room, let's see what you'd do. Don't look at me that way. I'm not a racist, I just listen to my people at The Factor. And like all God-fearing blue-blooded upper-class Americans, I've had my share of close calls on pantyraids. I know the risk. So isn't it about time that someone besides me and my friends came out with the truth? So I'll say it again. Martin Luther King Jr. was a douche. And Chinese. Just look at his statue on the National Mall. He's white, and obviously Chinese! Get over it. Ow! Hey, Stop that!

edit See also

"What kind of doctor was MLK? Could he operate on me when I put my foot in my mouth, my head up my ass, and then do one-arm push-ups behind my own back? No, didn't think so."

• Bill O'Reilly
• Fox News
• Sean Hannity
• Mohandas Gandhi
• James Bevel
• Friday (song)
• Claudette Colvin
• Cesar Chavez please write this page

edit Footnotes

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"O'Reilly here. and I'm proven right! Yes, Dr. King walked black children and black men across the street, but not a trace of an old white woman that I can see. Photos don't lie! Name and town, name and town."