Martin Luther (Lutheran)
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Martin Luther: Identity Crises
Students of history have often confused Martin Luther (the Lutheran) with Martin Luther (the Tasmanian) or with Martin Luther King, Jr. This leads them to write boring essays about Tasmanian independence or juicy burgers, instead of the important historical developments they were supposed to be writing about. Other historical figures he has been confused with include, but are not limited to: Alexander Hamilton, Tim O'Brian, and Eminem.
Martin Luther: The Early Years
It is now widely known that Martin Luther was first born in a Starbucks on a remote tropical island. Although this was considered by many historians to be impossible due to the fact that there usually aren't any Starbucks on remote islands, Paris Hilton has confirmed that Martin Luther was indeed born in such an area.
|“||Martin Luther was, like, hot or something, right? And it's like... hot on islands, so.... he was born there. Like, Duh!||”|
Experts are still not sure how he was transported from this unknown island to Germany, where he supposedly gained local reputation as a monk, mama's boy, heretic, sword-swallower, ex-tattoo artist, and founder of Burger King. He also created the nose flute and several brands of toilet paper, although his father wanted him to become a orthodontist. This is why Martin Luther shaved his head bald and got a nose ring.
Martin Luther: The Condom Salesman
There has been much mystery over why Lutherans wear condoms around their necks as opposed to crosses, but this is because Martin Luther owned the world's very first condom store and then invented a contraceptive advice afterwards and called it a condom so he could sell it at his stores.
Martin Luther: The Angry Businessman
Martin Luther's condom business was very unsuccessful, because the Roman Catholics had declared contraception non-existent, and since God and his church are infallible of error all of Martin Luther's stock disappeared. Needless to say, this made him pretty mad.
So Martin Luther took to the streets and declared God a jerk. God became very defensive and said he wasn't a jerk, just his followers. So Martin Luther gathered up all the non-jerk followers of God and decreed that they should all buy 600 condoms each in celebration of the new church known as 'The Justice League' (later changed to Lutherans).
Martin Luther: The Rotting Corpse
Martin Luther died of a heart attack while practicing safe sex with his wife. In commemoration of the things he achieved while on earth, his followers used an African's custom designed condom instead of a body bag. He was later buried somewhere, there is much argument over whether he was buried somewhere or nowhere.