Martial Arts

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Martial Arts are the major expressions of creativity by Martians, the inhabitants of the planet of Mars. Martial Arts include painting, drawing, sculpture, Barbie dolls and poems.

One famous Martial artist, who developed the style The Way of the Intercepting Nose, is Bruce Li.

A Martial Art that is very religious by nature, is Krav Maga.

“Fist of the Metrosexual! WHoooWA!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Karate

[edit] Techniques

The common techniques of martial arts rely on the hand and frontal face. The most commonly known move is the Vodka Collins made famous by the eternal Andrew Carnegie (not to be confused with steel tycoon of the same name). With proper training, these skills can become deadly.

It is a well known fact that virtually any martial art technique can be enhanced by the utterance of carefully honed screaming techniques which are called "Kia!!!". Kia!!!, which comes from an ancient Javanese word meaning "to boogie down", sound like wild exclamations to the untrained ear; they are in fact precise intonations intended to imbue attacks with a practitioners spirit. Proper Use of the Kia!!! allows even the most scrawny of martial artists to defeat larger and stronger opponents.

It is also a well documented observation that a martial art ptactitioner's powers largely come from his uniform, or gi.

[edit] Uncommon techniques

The best techniques of the martial arts are the uncommon ones. People have been known to jump at a person head first and ram them into submission. Another uncommon technique is to mimick the fighing of a tiger where you hit random people who look at you wrong.

The art of Disguise: In some martials like ninjutsu, a disguise is an appearance to create the impression of being somebody or something else; for a well-known person this is also called incognito.

[edit] Explanations of the Common Types of Martial Arts

Art of Deception: Martial artist of the sumo discipline deceptively disguised as ballerina.

Kung Fu- A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find

themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.

Chun Kuk Do - A form of Kung Fu developed by Chuck Norris (alone). Revolves around the use of [concealed, if applicable] fists, feet, elbows, knees, forearms, shins, toes, fingers, sticky notes, overhead projectors, cardboard boxes,toasters,rubber ducks, cat hair, ( although there is contorversy regarding whether it was Solid Snake or Mr. Norris that perfected the use of said object), overhead projectors, communist propaganda posters, carpet, stuffed animals (sparingly, and in self-defense, as they are an icon of innocence) and pretty much anything (everything) else that can possibly be used as a weapon.
Tai chi- An unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway. Has been described as "just like standing still, only faster".
Shaq Fu- The art of bad basketball, Perfected by Master Shaq.
Aikido- You don't want to know.
TaeKwonDo- Known commonly as "The Do", TaeKwonDo is the most marketed of the martial arts and relies on its followers having the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer. Originally thought to mean "by the hands and feet", actually was formed when an asian man moved to England. He was enjoying Tea and Biscuits, and he didn't know much english, in his attempt to give it a name he spelled tea and dough wrong. the Kwon part has baffeled historians for years.
TaiKwonJitsui - This is not what you think it is. It did not come from Tae-Kwon-Do or Jujitsu, it is believed to be the origin of both of those. It is widely believed to be the deadliest of the martial arts.
Judo (ジュー道) literally the "Way of the Jew"
Jew Jitsu- People who fold your laundry for you----while you are still wearing it.
Ninjutsu- The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas.
Fujitsu- This is not a martial art, it is a brand of camera.
Karate- The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.
Kendo- A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with bamboo sticks and making inhuman sounds (kiai). Could be a cult??
Lamb chops- The prominent martial art of the lamb which finally gives them an edge over the sheep dog
Soccer Hooliganism- Don't piss these guys off they're worse than pregnant women
Chinese Driving- A new martial art that has become popular in drag racing rings
Break Dancing- The fake martial arts, for people who can't dance and white people who think they're black
Wang Fu- Is any more explanation really needed, seriously use your imagination?
Chuck Norris- The martial art of the Roundhouse Kick, and total pwnage
Sumo- Excessively fat people wrestling
Obnu Bilate-The art of smacking someone "right on the Ob."
UberKilling-when being uber kills
Lunch lady martial arts
Malm Fu-malming at its finest
Crowbar-fu- Exactly as it sounds; as taught by Gordon Freeman.
Tae Pwn Do-Learning ta pwn dough
Ådo- The Fisherman's Way of Aland Islands
Dim-mak-Made up by the people of Denmark to get more known
Deja-fu The art of hitting you into last week.
Kung-Foo' A mixture of various martial arts practiced by african americans who hang around asians too much
Kickboxing The art of crafting boxes that can kick. FedEx charges extra for delivering these.
Tie Boxing Extremely brutal methods of packing ties into boxes.
My Tie-Not YOUR Tie
Mexican judo-Judo know I gotta gun, Judo know I gotta knive, homes
Sid dauna ung chaddup - A special form of Chun Kuk Do perfected by (manly) speech-impaired authority figures that revolves entirely around the use of devastating (manly) glares to communicate basic commands; for example, "Duck in cover!" is acted by locking eyes with the target in question while squinting and then darting focus to the nearest cover (making sure to exaggerate some with facial features), then regaining eye-contact with the target to show some minute (manly) emotion. (Note: All commands, though never vocalized, must end in "...!" to be taken seriously, and still convey maximum levels of manliness.) For unknown reasons, those in danger will never realize that a (manly) angry eye-widening does, in fact, mean "Yes, there is/are a/an ['crapload of', if applicable] [antagonist(s)] behind you."