HowTo:Kill A Man With Your Bare Hands

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Welcome! So you've decided to kill a man. Well, with a few easy steps you'll be able to kill anyone you want with just your bare hands.

[edit] Reasons to kill a man

Let's face it, a lot of people deserve death. You may be asking yourself, "is it right to kill a man? Well here are some moral reasons to kill a man:

• Slept with your wife (note: does apply to you)
• Slept with your daughter
• Slept with your sister
• Slept with your mother (note:does not apply to your father)
• Ran over your dog
• Slept with your dog (after running it over)
• Drank the last beer (no greater crime exists)
• Slept with the last beer (what the fuck?)
• Slept with you, hell you were too drunk and stoned to remember!!
• Blew up your house

Also, there are those pesky freedom hating west coast liberals that have these things called "laws". Yes, murder is illegal, but there are ways around it. For example:

• In Florida, if you suspect that someone is going to harm you, you may kill them. Right before you kill your target, yell "He's coming right at me!"
• Dispose of the body. Burning is preferable.

[edit] What you will need

Weapon of choice. Can be used for many other things.

Now that you are thoroughly (not at all) versed in the moral and legal implications of killing a man with your bare hands, you need the following items:

• Hands (any colour will do)
• A Bear from which to extract "Bare Hands".

If you have these item(s), you are ready to get killing.

[edit] Killin' Time!

Find the man you wish to kill. Take your hands, and put them around his neck. Squeeze until dead.

Was that so hard? Well, there are two more advanced methods. You will need two rolls of quarters for the first:

1. Put the quarters in your hands.
2. Take your hands, and punch him in the face.
3. Repeat as necessary until he is dead.

[edit] Disposal of Corpse

The most pesky, not to mention rude, part of killing someone is they never help in the cleanup. The best way to dispose of the body is to go out into the desert and burn it. Remember, what the fire doesn't get, the vultures will. Another way is to drive out into the desert and bury the body. This is less dangerous to you, but a lot less fun and a lot more work.

[edit] Conclusion

Remember, murder is only wrong legally. Don't worry about it. Good luck with that.

[edit] See also

• Handgun