Marshmallows

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Marshmallows
Anarchic Marshmallows
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animalia
Class Amphibia
Order Mallowia
Family Marshus
Species Mallowia Marshus
Binomial name
Stay Puft
Specifications
Weight Weightless
Length Variable
Special attack Sugar Overload
Conservation status
Endangered

The Marshmallow is a small, marsh-dwelling amphibian of the order Mallowia Marshus, found across most of Europe, Eastern Asia, and America. Males are typically white and females pink, although variations in pigment have been recorded which include yellow, orange, and rainbow. The Marshmallow’s natural habitat consists of swamps and damp grasslands, but the captive-bred species are usually stored in cool, dry regions. Known for their soft texture and characteristically sweet flesh, Marshmallows are frequently hunted by western civilisations and have become the second most commonly consumed amphibian after Freddo Frogs.

Taxonomy

Marshmallows make up about 88% of all edible swamp-dwellers, and all varieties share the familiar attributes of a soft cell structure, naturally cylindrical shape and lack of sinuous limbs. Despite these physiological properties, Marshmallows are capable of horizontal travel and are ample swimmers. However, it is a significant fact that they are only able to swim in mild temperatures, for hot liquids induce an unpreventable chemical swelling that denotes instant death, a fact discovered by a child scientist during his lunch break.

In terms of colouration, several sub-species have been found that deviate from the standard gender-specific pink and white. Marshmallows of every colour except black [1] have been found to exist somewhere in the world. Explanatory theories have been tested; for example, that the green colouration is a result of spending a lot of time underwater in swamps, that the yellow types have received over-exposure to sunlight, that orange Marshmallows live on a diet of tigers, etc. No such estimate has been scientifically proven as of yet, with Marshmallows as a species generally being considered nothing more than unimportant snacks.

Lifestyle

Chubby Bunny

The marshmallow’s natural predator, the Chubby Bunny, can devour up to seven marshmallows at a time and remain vocally proficient.

As a race, Marshmallows have yet to adopt a stable political system, resulting in anarchy (see top image). And with a lifespan of approximately three days, they rarely live long enough to require a diet of any kind. Their brief existence is the combined result of an increasing demand for human confectionary, and the growing alliances between herds of merciless Chubby Bunnies. These obese leporids have hunted their sweet-tasting victims for centuries, as the ease of which Marshmallows may be caught perfectly suits the rabbits' lazy style of hunting. They simply position themselves around the perimeters of swamps with their mouths wide open, awaiting the continuous flow of Marshmallows (who conveniently have no eyes to see the predators).

Marshmallows spend much of their time performing team-building activities. They are regarded as the best acrobats in the animal kingdom (particularly the Chinese species). Often, Marshmallows are spotted in complex formations such as towers, bridges and other architecture, although it is a misconception that the common “flump” shape is one of these recreational structures; this is actually the typical mating position of most sub-species (enabling efficient yet pleasurable sex to take place inconspicuously). Even when packaged in commercial mediums, it is said that Marshmallows retain their impressive teamwork skills, and have been known to escape from various forms of plastic packaging. Stray infants that have been left behind are often reported crying in the corner of kitchen cupboards. Ironically, they are safer there than with the majority.

All Marshmallows are pyrophobic, as fire is a common killer in the swamp regions where they reside. Their soft melting flesh is considered a delicacy among homo sapiens. Scientists say that Marshmallows who are able to recognise the features of campsites and avoid such a fate, will evolve to form a much more intelligent race, potentially surpassing humans and taking over the world. Most would agree that this is unlikely (again, see top image).

Political Activism

In recent years, the number of unrelated marshmallow protests has increased considerably. Campaigns have been launched in succession regarding the unjustified consumption of the swamp-dwellers by humans, including suburban marches, nude lobbying, hunger strikes and even suicide bombings. The mallows’ relative size compared to mammals however, has led to many of these protests going completely unnoticed. Other such stunts have included setting themselves on fire and jumping into people's mouths, leading to 3rd degree burns in some cases. This has provoked more publicity, albeit negative. Despite this, marshmallows have continued to act in society by inventing diseases such as high cholesterol.

Flump

Two species of Marshmallow engage in a complex mating ritual.

Sex

Marshmallows reproduce asexually by dividing their cell tissue, much in the same way that bacteria don't. They usually (but not exclusively) choose to do this around adulthood, after "settling down". It is also known that the species like to perform sexual activities with other Marshmallows for recreational purposes, surpassing humans in this field due to the wider choice of positions available to them. They are also suspected to be capable of reducing their population in this way; bonding together in the reverse method by which they reproduce. However, no expert has completed enough studies to confirm this without eating all of the sample Marshmallows. In terms of pleasure efficiency, Marshmallows are beaten only by the infamously smug sea mammals, dolphins.

To even begin to comprehend just how Marshmallows are able to have sex, given their obvious lack of in-and-out-bits, requires a degree in Confectionary Physics. And this is, amongst other elements in this article, entirely fictional.

References

  1. Would you eat a black marshmallow?
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