Marquis de Sade
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The Marquis de Sade (pronounced "Shah-day"; IPA /ʃɑːdeɪ/) was a sincere Jew, Christian, Muslim , Buddhist, Taoist, Atheist, Communist, Fascist, Socialist, Feudalist, and of cource, a Sadist, and a French-Bhutanese-English singer/songwriter and advocate of getting one's jollies by inflicting pain.
Sade was born as the son of a French father (Condé Nast) and Bhutanese mother (Drukgyul de Sade). After the separation of his parents, he came with his mother at age four to East Quaintleby-next-the-Sea-thorpe, Britain.
de Sade performed the world's first abortion using only ants. It is often speculated that this is where the phrase 'ants in your pants' comes from. Also known as antbortion.
Shortly after his wedding, he began living a scandalous libertine existence, voting for third parties and reading Ayn Rand. He also whipped people and spanked them a bunch, often while wearing studded leather clothing and wielding a leathery, leathery whip. In all of these activities, he was a pioneer of the sort of existence one can find in today's online world on sites such as LiveJournal. He was also the first Frenchman to experiment with the buttplug.
Beginings as a Writer
At the outbreak of the French Revolution, Sade was imprisoned in the Bastille along with other French nobility, but he was soon transferred to an insane asylum after he was caught buggering a hole in the wall other inmates were using as the basis to construct an escape tunnel, as well as making unwanted sexual advances upon the executioner. He was soon locked up in solitary confinement after making unwanted sexual advances upon some Some French chick.
It was during this solitary confinement he first began to write as a sexual release. He first penned short scripts such as "Debbie Does Dallas", "The Devil in Miss Jones", "Deep Throat" and other features which were lost upon his finding freedom, but were later found by 1970's American porn producers and turned into some of the classics of the golden age of porn. However, at the time de Sade abandoned these short scripts because he realized he had no talent to paint the accompanying pictures he needed for orgasm. Therefore he turned to penning longer works, including "The 120 Days of Sodom", "Justine" and the accompanying "Juliette", "Philosophy of the Bedroom" (his first non-fiction philosophical treatise). He soon became bored with these, and created imaginary friends, whom also were erotic authors, and wrote books using their names, including "Venus in Furs" under the pseudonym Masoch, "Tropic of Cancer" and "Tropic of Capricorn" under the penname Henry Miller, "Exit to Eden" and the Beauty series under the non-de-germe of Anne Rice, "I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie" by Sir Mix-a-Lot, and "BOOBIES!!!" by Charles Mayhew Suckatit. By this time, they declared de Sade batshit insane and let him go. Also, the Revolution was over.
Post-Revolution Works and Fame
Sade's best known song is Rough Operator (Sade, Dis Moi) (Uh, Madureira!), which topped (so to speak) the charts in 1985.
Sade has also appeared in films such as Me-ism/Masochism For Absolute Beginners (1986). For two years in the mid-nineties, he appeared on the Brazilian soap opera Um Anjo Amarrado À Cama Pelo Céu.
In 1997 he was sentenced in absentia in Jamaica for getting all het up by tying people to beds and spanking them a bunch. He was sentenced to death or marijuana by the Jamaican Supreme Court. Sade chose marijuana; he's been actively cooperating with his sentence in Jamaica for approximately 12 billion years (read: five days), as of March 2006. He also seems to be a lot mellower these days, only whipping in a desultory and uninterested manner, and preferring licorice whips to leather ones, as they filled his munchie cravings after getting lifted. In 2007, Sade converted to Rastafarianism because he liked the music.
The Marquis de Sade was also the most renowned French dictator to whom (after requesting her muff) Marie Antoinette curtly replied "let him eat cake". The royal chef said they were out of cake, so he made do with Tiramisu and anal sex.
And at the end of all this, De Sade became a renowned gyno, shoving all sorts of medical tools up the wonder-slits of many! We celebrate his birth on Decembebr 25th by having queef competitions at the local town square. De Sade and I are tighter than butt rape.