Mark David Chapman
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Mark David Chapman (1955-2012) was a sick son of a bitch who killed John Lennon, a former member of The Beatles. Chapman is hated by many people and was named Time magazine's "Biggest Fat Ass of the Decade" in 1989 and 2009.
Assassination of John Lennon
On December 8, 1980, John was outside his home in New York when Chapman asked for his autograph; Lennon complied, then asked for Chapman's autograph in return. This kept up for several minutes as the two men exchanged signed books, sketches, and album covers. Then, later that day, Lennon returned from the tanning salon and exited his limo with his wife, Yoko Ono. Chapman then called out, "Give peace a chance, Mr. Lennon?", and John turned around, saw Chapman, and got ready to sign things again. Chapman surprised the peacenik, took out his small handgun, and fired tons of shots at Lennon. Lennon returned the fire, wounding Chapman and several bystanders. Both men somehow missed Yoko, although both took several shots at her. The gun battle, ranging over a half-block radius, drew a crowd of onlookers who took side-bets on the action and cheered for the participants. At one point Chapman climbed a tree, Lennon climbed up after him, and a furious fistfight took place. Then, John came to his senses, and was all like, "What the fuck you ass wipe?!", and went for his shotgun. Chapman then proceeded to pull out his own shotgun, got off a lucky shot, and blew Lennon's brains out. Lennon fell to the ground like the mama's boy he was, screamed "WE'LL FINISH THIS IN hell, you piece of s h i t", and peacefully died. Pussy.
Later Attempts at Murder and Death
Then, in 1987, Chapman tried to assassinate Paul McCartney, but found out Paul had been dead for, what, 20 some years? So then he later switched gears and tried to take out George Harrison, but George was trained in the martial art of Hare Krishna, and totally whipped Chapman's sorry blubbery ass, despite being, like, 112 years old. Chapman, being the lard bottom that he was, decided to sit down outside Harrison's house, read some awesome book called "The Catcher in the Ondeck Circle", and wait to be arrested. Sadly, nobody gave a good goddamn about him. So, after walking away, and deciding not to even try to kill Ringo Starr (waste of good ammo, that bloke), he took a run at The Rutles. Failing there too, Chapman hung his head, shuffled off, and lived in a cave in Wyoming for the rest of his life, alone, depressed, and wanking off to old Indian cave art. Then, in 2011, Chapman gave up and died, just like that! I mean, what kind of pussy just "dies"? He didn't even shoot himself or anything; he just said "Fuck it," and died! Pussy.