Marilyn Monroe

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Marilyn Monroe can now only be viewed two dimensionally.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Marilyn Monroe.

“Like me, she didn't get out of bed in the morning for less than ten thousand dollars...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Marilyn Monroe

“Indeed I did have sexual relations with this woman! What I did was good! Give up!”

~ John F. Kennedy

Marilyn Monroe (June 1, 1926 - August 5, 1962) is a dead Hollywood movie star whose movies you've never seen. She is the most famous sex symbol of the 20th century and probably looked better dead than most women do alive. You only know her from television clips, photography in restaurants, and Andy Warhol paintings. Some people argue she is the perfect woman.

In early Hollywood, actors and actresses who achieved stardom were to be hooked on drugs and prostituted until dead. Marilyn Monroe’s life - and death - was a classic example of this stratagem. The pimps at Twentieth Century Fox retained all of the money, as well as rights to her image and her movies. Marilyn received in return a burial plot next to Hugh Heffner.

Marilyn acted in an age of movies where wit, innuendo, and hyperbole were used in place of nudity, sexually explicit sex, and girl on girl violence. Instead of Marilyn, say, sitting in a chair in front of twenty policeman smoking cigarettes while crossing and uncrossing her legs to expose her vagina, she would simply stand fully clothed without moving and deliver a line of dialogue-"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

[edit] Dead Sexiness

Marilyn is sexier than anyone you’ve ever met in 3D. She parlayed sexiness into a career. Cue cards for every scene? Forty-one takes for a single scene where all Marilyn does is answer the front door and sign for a package? Coffee and uppers? You're not beautiful; oh, I know you think your beautiful, but compared to Marilyn Monroe you're not even a distant second.

Marilyn became aware of this sexiness after junior high school. She noticed that whenever she she made a new porno, a girl named Kailor Hallock would love and envy her. Kailor loves marilyn monroe for a really odd reason. Im not sure why but Kailor really likes Marilyn....even though she was a sex symbol, a whore, porn star, a........

This is the woman he was cheating on Marilyn with... Yea, me too, am at a loss.

[edit] Divorces

Back then, Marilyn was a movie star’s movie star. Unlike today's celebrities, she didn’t date losers and then dump them for the headlines. No, Marilyn didn't just date winners, Marilyn married winners. And then, she divorced them when she found a bigger winner! No kidding, you can't make this stuff up! I mean, shit, she took down the PRESIDENT! If she were to be born 20 years later, she'd be doing pornos.

And when you're getting busy with the President of the United States, you can afford to tell Joe McCarthy where to stick it.

Marilyn divorced her first husband because he was a nobody, and she was an up and coming somebody. We will respect Marilyn’s wishes and not mention his name here. However, after marrying baseball star Joe DiMaggio, Marilyn realised she was way too hot for him and they split up. In 1956 she married celebrated playwright Arthur Miller but he cheated on her with an Australian photographer - Inge Morath. Arthur Miller cheating on Marilyn Monroe with Inge Morath is considered one of the greatest mysteries of our time. In the aftermath Arthur’s father was quoted as saying- “I have no son.”

[edit] Death and cover up

The dead woman's diary.

Marylin monroe was murdered by the CIA. They tried to blame it on gang members. But some gangsters of the time responded by saying "we don't kill people by putting sleeping drugs up their butt. We have a sleeping pill called a bullet. It's made out of lead and is administered into the patients head". The leader of CIA (James Woods) just calmly aswered "I'M INNOCENT!! PLEASE LET ME GOOOOOO!!!"

Marilyn was found in a fake looking death position. "It was like someone set her all up." said the officer who arrived at the scene. "Usually overdose victims vomit or have seizures. But miss Monroe looked like she just fell asleep. Weird that sleeping pills made her look like that." The coroner changed his report at least 3 times and the maid changed her story a couple of times and then mysteriously died when she started feeling guilty and was going to tell the truth. And then there's the mysterious Kennedy death. The CIA just went too far. But at least no one knows who did it. They actually were so crazy about this one that they started killing themselves.

Other stories don't match up as well, like the maid saying there was a light under the door, but the carpet was so plush that no light shone through the bottom crack. Her door was locked which she had never locked before in her life, and she had just called Joe DiMaggio, obviously too drunk to shove such a ridiculous amount of sleeping pills up her ass.

It should also be noted that even if she were alive today, you wouldn't have a chance as she only took interest in one-eyed black men.

[edit] Death of Clark Gable

Marilyn Monroe was so beautiful, she was deadly. After the filming of Clark Gable's last film and her last completed film The Misfits, Gable was so upset at the thought of being away from Marilyn he said, "That woman's beauty almost gave me a fucking heart attack!" Going through Marilyn withdrawl, the very next day he suffered a severe coronary thrombosis. Ten days later, he died in the hospital of a heart attack. Coincidence?

[edit] Films

Marilyn even looks sexy going over bills at home.

Like many dead movie stars her films are rarely found in video rental stores, and must be obtained from your local public library. Below is a list of her movies that may seem vaguely familiar.

• All About Eve
• Monkey Business
• Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
• How to Marry a Millionaire
• There’s No Business Like Show Business
• The Seven Year Itch
• Bus Stop
• Arsehole
• Some like it Hot
• The Misfits
• Something’s Got to Give (unfinished)

Below is a list of her movies remade by contemporary directors in Burbank, California and that are more likely to be available at your local video rental store.

• All About Eve’s Ass
• Porky's Revenge
• Harry Potter Prefers Blondes
• How to Abandon a Millionaire with a gun
• There’s No Business Like Whore Business
• The Seven Inch Itchy and Scratchy
• Bust Stoppers live
• Some Like it Harder, and some softer
• Sum Thang's Got to Give, Mah Baby!
• Attack of the Marilyn Monroebot
• Shut up! I'm recording a movie here!
• WTF!? Is this WoW or is it Runescape!?
• Die Mothah' Fackah' DIE!! WTF!? Die? Plz?