Maggie Thatcher
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“I approve!”
~ Adolf Hitler on Maggie Thatcher
“Grrrrrrr...”
~ Tony Benn on Maggie Thatcher
“Cor, she's glamorous!”
~ Stevie Wonder on Maggie Thatcher
“Blooody Thatcher!”
~ Yorkshire on Maggie Thatcher
“I would!”
~ Barack Obama on Maggie Thatcher
Grand Empress Margaret Thatcher, Overlady & Supreme Leader of Great Britain, Glorious Lady Protector of the Falkland Islands, Patron Saint of Scotland, Lord High Governor of England & Wales and Great Steward of Ireland is a character from the Irish soap opera Family Happiness. She was created by a race of super beings in the exact center of the universe using radioactive iron extracted from the earliest meteors in existence and she was played by Jane Hapney. She stands 166 feet tall and patrols her territory on her mighty Unicorn Reginald. She came to earth 10,000 years ago and was trapped in what is now known as the Lake District during the last Ice age.
Since thawing, Mrs Thatcher has been involved in many things over the years prior to creating her empire, the most notable being the destruction of 98% of Britain's forests to create agricultural land for early human settlements, unleashing the plague upon Britain when she was barred from the Ox and Plough for smashing the dart board whilst drunk, and bringing about the industrial revolution.
Empress Thatcher's primary weapons are her eyes. With them she can fire powerful beams which heat their target up to 100,000 degrees Celsius before causing them to explode. A systems upgrade allowed independent movement of her eyes so she can fire on multiple targets within a 160 degree scope. This upgrade allowed her to single handedly take back the Falkland Islands in the early 80's. She also has the ability to crush her enemies with her mighty fists of steel.
Recently scientists discovered that time slows down for anyone standing within her aura which extends several miles out from her in all directions.
It is said that Empress Thatcher once challenged Jesus for the title King of the Jews. When she realized Jesus was not a worthy opponent, she had the Roman Empire crucify him.
It is widely known that Mrs Thatcher has resolved every major conflict in the last 100 years. She has done this by crushing both sides involved in the conflict and then incorporating their lands and people into her mighty Empire.
Although age has shrunk them somewhat, her testicles are still visably from the Moon.
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[edit] Early career
She was born on FRIDAY THE 13TH!!! DOES NOONE SEE THAT COINCIDENCE????? THIS CONFIRMS SHE IS THE DEVILS BI-ATCH!!!!! sorry for all the caps locks, I wanted to stand out :) When Thatcher thawed she began her new life on Earth traveling between ancient cave dwellings within the UK, she ran a basic postal service delivering messages between Neolithic hunter/gatherer families in exchange for animal bones which she converted into fuel for her engines. After striking a deal with early Neolithic farmers, she agreed to turn Britain into a nation of agricultural experts in return for daily human sacrifices to feed her insatiable blood lust. She cut down her first tree around 4000 BC, soon after this she had created numerous settlements across Britain and turned vast swathes of forest into workable farmland. Early farmers struggled at first until she introduced the concept of crop rotation to allow the fields time to regather nutrients.
At the time, the life expectancy was 35 for men and 30 for women. Mrs Thatcher enforced this rule with ruthless efficiency and was at times known to massacre swathes of humans who had reached this age.
During the medieval times, Mrs Thatcher took a liking to mead after she spent a boozy weekend with a team of jousting monks in Blackpool. She traveled the country searching out bars and sampling their delights. Her local was a pub in London called the Ox and Plough; a regular at lock ins, she was known to have drank the bar dry at least once a month. She was a featured member of the dominoes team until she got barred from the pub for destroying the dart board. In revenge for this she unleashed the Black Death upon Britain in 1348.
The Industrial Revolution started when Mrs Thatcher had a memory upgrade, leading to her her newly acquired mental capacity allowed her to work on multiple inventions at one time. She can be credited with inventing the Spinning Jenny, the Steam Engine, the Power Loom and the tampon. She invented new methods of iron and steel production allowing her to upgrade the strength of her exoskeleton structure to unimaginable levels. She can also be credited with major advancements in the chemical, mining, mechanical engineering and glass industries, including helping to invent tasteless light ice cream.
[edit] 'That' operation
In 1976, having tired of her genitals, the Thatcher took a brief sojourn in Tijuana where it underwent extensive 'gender remodeling', which including the addition of a steam powered vaginal interface and 104 lbs of candy-floss attached to it's scalp in a revolutionary new 'sugar welding' procedure. Thus outfitted she was perfectly positioned to become the first transsexual premier of the UK.
The initial celebration by the Gay and Lesbian and Lesbian/Gay, Transgendered/Lesbian, Transgendered/Gay, Bi-Gendered, Lesbian/Sexual, Non-gendered/Trans-Lesbian and Straight/Gay community was hampered by her refusal to acknowledge the operation and her instance on attempting to herd her new-found supporters into Death Camps/Warehouse parties.
[edit] Prime ministerial achievements
Mrs Thatcher first got interested in politics in 1904. She was passing the houses of Parliament and, in a moment of desperation, had to use their toilet. Inside, she overheard two junior members talking when she off loaded spent fuel rods in the cubicle which fired a spark in her central processing unit.
Having seized power from Sun Ye Jim, she then defeated the sinister Foot who (even many in his party said) stank to high hell. She was helped in this by the Miner's leader of the NUMB who demanded more money and less work despite people coming out of their numbness and there being no future for the NUMBs. In addition, there was the alliance of the Liberal Application of Talcum Powder Party (led by the Man of Steel) with the Social Disinfective Party (led by the Famous Five) formed from the Odour Eater faction in Labour who did not back the leadership of Foot.
Thatcher caused controversy when she famously stated that there is “no such thing as sociology." This comment was criticized by the sociologist Oscar Wilde, who felt that such comments would only alienate poor working class sociologists in society, she formulated a new set of policies based upon the writings of philosopher and economist Salma Hayek.
Führerin Thatcher was part of the most successful operation in recent COBRA history when she took park in Operation You have two cows. As a result of this she gained another nickname, "The Milk Snatcher". God Emperor Thatcher's secondary capability was the healing of those suffering from pre-senile dementia. Both Ernest Saunders, the Guinness Chairman who stole several million smarties and General Augusto Pinochet, the arse murderer were both healed after indicating they were unfit to stand trial for their crimes. However, later studies have proven that all cases of dementia within the British Empire during her iron rule were caused by the opium trade. In a futile attempt to end Imperial trafficking of drugs, Thatcher's reign nearly came to an end when her mannish boxers were stolen by Chinese insurgents in the event now known as the Boxer Rebellion. With the aid of Ronald Reagan and the reanimated corpse of Joseph McCarthy, Thatcher crushed these undergarment-stealing freedom fighters and their secret rebel base.
Evidence has pointed to a possible link between Great Leader Thatcher's preternatural abilities and her discovery (during her archaeologist days) of the vile and droll Tome of Blood and Ash which she discovered in the ruins of Pompeii while having a quick Atkins lunch. Some have speculated that this also explains Thomas Edison's sudden and mysterious abdication from the Dragon Throne of America in 1982, making possible her ascension to the Presidency.
Kaiserin Thatcher famously stated, "There is no such thing as society. There are individual men and women, and there are families." She went on to add, "There are also extremely powerful corporations and business interests who prop me up and in whose interest I've worked to remake the economy. But they're also just individuals, no different than the chap down the street. Except that they could crush him like a bug."
Had a run in with Tarzan over Westland Helicopters, broken and bruised on top of the helicopter as Neil Kinnock moved in for the kill, his victory speech was too long and she kneed him in the balls, but Kinnock refused to concede - despite David Owen's and David Steel's attempts to tag with Kinnock he eventually had to concede as the results came in.
Later she beat Kinnock to death and ate him grilled for breakfast with butter and marmite.
Thatcher was able to raise the sum of £44.15 by selling everything that the British people owned and investing the money in American backed defense technology (three 'Keep Out' signs and a big stick with a nail in it).
Recently, Her Most Holiness Thatcher signed a contract, after inventing British porn in 1984, to appear in three porn films with the American president, Ron Jeremy.
[edit] Empress Margaret Thatcher
When Gordon Brown retires, she will return from the dead to rule for ten thousand years as Empress with Dame Shirley Porter who will become Grand Vizier.
[edit] Policy Platform for first 10 years
- Working Class Children, teenagers and the unemployed (especially those from Scotland) to be sorted into slaves, food and for use as seating for the Middle and Upper Classes.
- Armed Forces and Police to be privatised in tranches, with regulators setup.
- Elderly to be forced to work building monuments in their honour.
- Elections no longer necessary. "3rd Term 3rd Reich Next Election"
- Thatcher and Porter genealogy to become part of the National Curriculum.
- The nuking of Yorkshire.
- Forget about Cornwall and she means FORGET them.
- Everything to be declared illegal, unless your income exceeds £45,000 per annum, in which case it's alright.
- One law for the rich, 8,765,993 for the poor.
- Fuck the coal miners.
- Continued pussification of all British males over 18 (as well as complimentary apron)
- Scotland to be stripped of all its natural resources.
- Privatisation of the weather, yielding a 200% increase in
efficiencyprofit.
[edit] Family life and personal trivia
Mama Thatcher's little boy was recently arrested in South Africa for trying to overthrow Rupert Murdoch. This catastrophic event was known as "Billy Thatcher and the Giant Egg", and has been immortalized in the story James and the Giant Peach by the child-hating children's writer Roald Dahl.
Mrs./Mr. Thatcher was also Jack the Ripper, The Zodiac Killer, The BTK killer and the inventor of Big Brother.
Mrs Thatcher can bench press a cow without breaking a sweat.
Mrs. Thatcher famously battered three Soviet leaders to death and defeated an entire Irish tank division using only her handbag. After stepping down as Prime Minister it was revealed she kept a house brick in the bag at all times.
Margaret Thatcher is now suspected of an affair with no less than Skeletor of He-man fame.
Thatcher recently broke off a multi-million dollar deal to appear in the Terminator films in order to become the Prime Minister of Israel. There, she has been lauded for her firm handling of the Yummy Kipper War.
Mrs. Thatcher once ate an entire litter of puppies for lunch. She washed them down with an entire jar of pickle brine and said it tasted better than most English ale.
Mrs. Thatcher was one beaten in chess by Zeus. The Iron Lady calmly drew her revolver and shot him in the face. She now stands unopposed on Mt. Olympus as supreme ruleress of the Greeks.
Later with Keith Joseph she went to Bethlehem and gave birth to William Hague. Not long afterwards she also spawned Ben Thatcher, leading to rumours that Pedro Mendes is a Socialist.
Rumored to have a huge Hugh Laurie fetish and lists "House" among her favorite shows along with Jeeves and Wooster, A Bit Of Fry and Laurie, Blackadder III, Aerobics Oz Style, and Evening at the Apollo.
The Thatcher famously owns handbags made from the skin of new-born redskin babies, although she has one, presented to her by Pope St. Leopard in 1654, that is made from the ears of puppies.
Mrs. Thatcher is reported to have single handedly defeated an invasion of the body snatchers in England on a blustery Autumn evening in 1986 during a full moon when she was in animal form.
When having sex, Mrs Thatcher refuses to remove her out garments. She rolls up her skirt, pushes down her tights, hops onto her desk and says she's penned you in for a 5 minute window.
Despite ample physical evidence to the contrary, Margaret Thatcher appears to be still very much alive.
When Mrs Thatcher flushes her toilet, southern England floods, and Scotland laughs.
It is a little known fact that the Queen is forced to wear garments with ridiculously over-sized buttons to humiliate her in public after losing a bet with Lady Thatcher in 1961, the exact nature of the bet is unclear.
Dennis Thatcher was not her first love - she lost contact with her first love after he 'invaded Poland.' She soon, however, formed a slimy liason with a well-known drunken male stripper with whom she was attached for 1.75 months.
Margaret starred in several movies herself, produced by Cons Vervativ Studios so as to appeal to younger audiences and to propagate 'family values':
- "Thatcher gets a Rat-Catcher"
- "Thatcher meets The Hacker"
- "Thatcher becomes a Death Metal Roadie"
Twice she managed to traumatize the children of Britain, once by forbiding them to drink milk. This earned her a promise of a beat down by Hannibal from the A Team who said he would be over in five seconds in his custom 1982 GMC van. Thatcher went into overdrive and changed the orders so that children could drink milk but could not drink any kind of milk on school grounds, managing to beat Hannibal's arrival by 0.0000000005 of a second.
She traumitized the children a second time by appearing on a popular BBC1 saturday morning childrens magazine show and performing a lewd act of flashing while being interviewed by Keith Chegwin who subsequently went insane "It looked like Chewbacca was growling at me!" is all anyone can get out of him before he relapses and has a Korean war flashback. This single act influnced a famous scene in the movie Basic Instinct where a woman stabs a man to death with a phalic object. The idea of her having sex with him first was added to make it more "family friendly."
She also starred in a sex-tape that was circulated around the internet which was released by her one time lover Dick Van Dyke following an acrimonious break up. Although reports can not be confirmed, as anyone who viewed the video died within a week, it is claimed that you can quite clearly see the remnants of her steam powered vaginal interface. One man said 'It looked very crude.' He was later found dead in his bathroom having seemingly choked himself on his own eyeballs. Thatcher's one time colleague Michael Heseltine in his autobiography Dishwasher Repair and Maintenance with Michael Heseltine said that whilst locked in the cabinet during the Falklands war discussions about releasing the tape as a form of chemical warfare. Upon hearing this the UN declared geriatric and disgusting pornography to be an inhuman war crime. Dick Van Dyke was subsequently hanged by the neck for his part in scandal.
It is said that in Britain's greatest hour of need, Margaret Thatcher, the Once and Future Prime Minister, will return to lead the country to starvation and poverty, before invading the rest of Europe for the benefit of her father, Satan.
Margaret Thatcher bathes every day in a mixture of stolen milk and the tears of working class children.
After her unsuccesful political career and shit, Maggie still wants to show that everyone should work even if they're the most hated or loved person in the world. She has argued about unemployment rates in the UK and thus works part time in McDonald's. She is currently applying to work in Amsterdam as a prostitute.
Margaret appeared on an episode of MTV's Cribs. It was revealed that she is a Disney Channel fan and has posters of Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tits-dale and Hannah Montana. She also has a nude picture of Zac Efron in her bathroom.
She plays the drums, and is considering setting up a band and audition for the infamous Britain's Got Talent (HELL NO).
[edit] See also
- Evil
- Whore
- Thatchers' Britain
- Corazon Aquino, Maggie's Oriental counterpart
- Zombie Reagan
- Norman Tebbit
- Fascist
Barmy British Stuff 
