Marching band

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“Marching band isn't a cult...wanna go sacrifice this reed later?”

~ Woodwinds on Marching Band

“MARCHING BAND IS A WAY OF LIFE!!!!”

~ Band directors on Their choice in life

“If you can without looking too bad, run them over. We'll all owe you one.”

~ Section Leader on Marching Band Judges

A marching band is a type of band that performs at parades, football games, and at competitions in which bands from many different schools come together and battle it out by trying to out march each other in a brutal battle of visuals, formations, and music. Marching Band graciously allows football to be played at their outdoor concerts. The attendee's of the marching band are commonly referred to as band nerds because they are forced to play for the football team even though they know they aren't going to win, with the exception of the drumline, which always includes exactly one black person, and is a whole different story. Marching band members are extremely dedicated to their activity, even going as far as to call it a sport.Marching burns 8 billion calories per half hour. It's mostly their bickering on (and off) the field that makes marching band so hard. In this article, all aspects of marching bands will be explored, investigated and probed in places no article has ever probed before.

Contents 1 History 1.1 Early Days 1.2 Hard Times 1.3 Revival 2 Behind the Cult 3 Basics 4 Marching 5 Band Camp 6 Competitions 6.1 Judges 6.2 The Metatron 6.3 Major Competing Organizations 6.4 Parades 7 The All Powerful Gock 8 Dr. Beat 9 Portrait of a Marching Band 9.1 Leaders 9.2 Subgroups 9.3 Sectional Stereotypes 9.4 Enemies

[edit] History

[edit] Early Days

Although the concept of marching on the field and playing had long existed within the military, Mark Tim E. Mark, a sergeant in the Union Army, pioneered a tactic to reduce casualties among the regiment's band by having them do complicated maneuvers such as pass-throughs, jazz runs (although jazz had not yet been invented), and crabbing as the battle began, dodging bullets and shells. The downside to Mark's plan was that it distracted both his, and the enemies troops, who would often sit down on the hillside and watch Mark's marchers perform. Soon after, Confederate General Staying I. N. Step formed the first drum corps. Step's band started as a company's worth of men (100-200), but there was very few supplies left to equip them, so they were given surplus brass instruments, drums, old flags, broken rifles and dull sabers with which they were expected to fight all the way to D.C. with. Step had been impressed with Mark's band, now called the Bluecoats, and sent his unit, renamed the Carolina Crown, all the way to Pasadena, California where they did battle. The battle itself was inconclusive, but it was a sign of progress. After the war, the two drum corps reappeared some 100 years later under the same names, meeting every year in Pasadena to compete.

[edit] Hard Times

After the Civil War, marching bands returned to their obscure nature, performing the music of John Phillip Sousa, an immigrant from the Portguese Azores, and pioneer of marching music in live concerts and parades. The horrors of modern warfare in 1914 as World War I began almost destroyed the marching band movement, as machine guns, tanks, and poison gas made marching a wee bit more challenging. The stock market crash of 1929 virtually spelled the end to marching bands, as many people sold their $2,000 horn for a months worth of food. It would take another war to revive the marching band spirit.

In 1933 Adolf "The Crippler" Hitler became the first band dictator director, ahem, directator to utilize mind control in the first "Band Camp", a hellish "Fun" experience in which there is always this one time at it in which so and so did that and yadda yadaa.... It was here that marching band became a cult. As his armies stormed across Europe, he had his bands march through the enemies capital, all in perfect timing, with the threat of death if they missed a beat or squeaked a note. The fatal flaw Hitler had with his directatoring was that he was never satisfied, and killed himself, being unable to out march the Allies. Despite his death, many directors saw the value in being a total bitch, seeing it as an way to vent their inner struggles by torturing a group of teens under the intense sphere of electromagnetic radiation of thermonuclear fusion and under the extreme cold produced by the lack of that radiation. [1]

With the Cold War beginning, international competition began between Soviet Russias "Marching Marxists" , "Stalin's Steppers" in her "Communist Bloc" and the Americans "Uncle Sams' Marching Capitalists" , "Senator McCarthy's Commie Killers" in her "NATO corps". Both sides remained in constant competition, without ever meeting one-on-one in a competition (Though many times it seemed very close). Both sides' show were considered so good that they were both said to be "the Bomb". The two forces only met twice by proxy, in competition with North Korea and Vietnam's "Viet Cong Guerrillas". While the U.S. won the first, the latter was a loss as Uncle Sams' band lost too many members and was running out of good players and willing participants.

[edit] Revival

In high schools and colleges across America, marching bands were becoming more mainstream. In 1956, the now commonly used term "Band Nerd" was first used, being defined by Webster's dictionary as: "A sub-category of human that plays or simulates playing musical instruments at parades and football games" The definition, however, does not accurately tell the real meaning of the term, known only to the members of the "Cult".

Through the early experiments during the Civil War, to the first "Band Camps" under the direction of Hitler, marching band has developed into an international "Cult" shared by many unfortunate superior beings of the subspecies Marchinae Bandus Nerdus

[edit] Behind the Cult

Though Authorities haven't been able to officially prove it, it is common knowledge that Marching Band is one of the most wide spread cults in the world. The majority of the members are identified as high school and college students.

[edit] Basics

"The Basics", or "Fundamentals" are theories in which all things in the universe can be divided in to four beats, roasted in the sun, and bombarded with your mom/that's what SHE said jokes in order to become competent in marching techniques during a time known as "BAND CAMP". The theory however, is false. (See any song written by Dream Theater). Band camp is divided into several phases in which your self confidence is broken, built up, and broken again before you leave, with the ultimate purpose to mold you into brutal killing ma... Instrumentalists.

[edit] Marching

Marching is a form of walking designed exclusively to cause pain to those participating in it. It involves making the heel of your foot come into contact with the ground before your toe does, thus causing you to break your ankle. However, any injury sustained (particularly those where a person is hurt by paying too much attention to the angle of their toes, and therefore not paying attention to the flag pole traveling quickly towards one's face) can only be due to a failure to march correctly, and not simply the stupid form of walking known as "Marching". Marching is best used during a show, preferably of an erotic or burlesque nature, in which the band attempts to play the entire soundtrack to anal bandits 9 (Or something very similar sounding). Marching can also occur during a period of time in which the "Dumbline" executes a K-Dance. It is not formalized which foot is supposed to come down on which beet, however it is accepted that red beets should be touched with the left foot, and purple beets with the right. In other parts of the world, it is common to march using rhubarbs instead of beets. A few special kids get the pleasure of loosing their knee caps while marching and thus having to become part of the non-moving percussion section. It is a very tragic event to see the brightest marchers have to stop.

[edit] Band Camp

The main explanation and payoff for one to begin a marching band career. Most band camps require around 10-16 hours of marching before breaks (that's sweatshop shift time) but once the day's work is done, unlike sweatshops, one gets to retire to refuge, usually in the form of cabins, and "rest". At band camp, unlike in human time whose single day is equivalent to 24 hours, a marchers' day has a total of 28 hours. Where these hours are taken from is yet unknown but Russia has had its greatest researchers working on it.

The normal day at Band camp consists of marching, playing, learning steps and drills, being whipped by the band director, denting cars parked in the parking lot, and hazing freshmen. From time to time, Satan will guest direct and take the marchers to the 11th level of hell.

Most likely, during practices, the band director will sit in the comfy shade of the press box and shout out commands in 212 F degree weather. They will also complain how hard it is on them to watch the marchers sweat their asses off attempting to play insane quadruplet runs at a tempo of 240 bpm while staying in step and in formation for a giant box rotation, inversion and collapse, and how their inability to do so is an insult to the director who wrote the show. Occasionally the band director will grow a fraction of pity for about 10 minutes and call a water break, but more frequently just call a 29 3/4 second "gulp and go".

On the days that the football field is inhabited by football players, the band goes over to the Practice Field, where the band director and drill instructor stand up on the cherry picker and have this same roll, while the band members break their ankles tripping in potholes, and then are devoured alive by mutant crabgrass. Note, the band director occasionally hires the drill instructor to write the band's drill, which explains the many instances of a phallus, Ass or a Rainbow in the drill.

The most important part of the day at band camp is the night. By nightfall, nicknames should have been distributed by marchers to the new trainees (n00bs). Since marching bandos are nocturnal, they begin their mating/screeching at night. A boys' cabin should be properly "scuffed up" by throwing Skittles (and any other assortment of candy the dumb senior brought to enjoy) and getting it stuck on the walls. Toothpaste should be used to write messages of wisdom on the mirrors, such as "don't light more than one can of Axe on fire at at a time" or "once in a lifetime chance". The first person to fall asleep at night usually ends up getting drawn on. There is almost always a club-footed drummer who pisses everyone off by getting up every fifteen minutes in the night to go pee.This drummer always thinks he is"BA" even though he always wears a polo from Walmart in the 212F heat.

At night the week marcher tone death marcher is usually awoken to go out side for several hours of "correcting". This marcher a freshman will learn the basics of having a dick in the ass. sleep is braking the most important rule of band camp because it's fun kill....I mean um wait haze.

also during band camp you will notice what type of band director you have

Gay- Self explained the just someone who is obviously gay. Sometimes having a family but we all know how he really feels.

Call the cops- this one usually is completely mantilla insane and needs some serious help

hypocrite - lets see you do this.

Creep - You will notice that this one may started working at a school to be around 16 year old girls. You may want to stay away from the girls cabins in this situation.

[edit] Competitions

The real purpose of a marching band is not only to perform at football games, but to compete with other bands. As said before, the football team is only the side entertainment as the band rules the field. It is for that reason that many bands join competitive organizations to avoid the hassle of turning over the field for the football team to come out and do their routine.

The second purpose is to see how rich or poor your school is. Most certainly at one point you will feel poor and if you don't you are in the band all others want to see some misfortunate accident happen.

There are bands with way too much money who will show up with brand new tailored uniforms and with a truck branded by the band with shinny relatively to brand new instruments. but is also they poor band witch has uniforms older than 10 years of age and has beat up equipment and lucky to have a truck borrowed or rented from somewhere.

[edit] Judges

A poor breed of sub-musician, whose ability has declined over the centuries. Old, half bald virgins, they, not being talented enough to continue any real music career, now attempt to rate high school bands by ever-changing, vague rules. The most constantly anamorphic award is the G.E., or General Effect, trophy, which is given to whoever sacrifices the most blood to the so called "gods in the box". To get this award many schools choose to give them the youngest clarinet player, or they promise them their first born.

• Shouting obscenities on their tape recorders when trapped in the center of a rotating ring the sax line forms as part of their feature. "The tonal qualities of the low brass are impeccable, but the saxophones have dire tuning issues that may cost them. Here they come now...What the-...Oh, come on!...Christ!...I still need to evaluate the trumpets...fuck."

• Getting run over by the entire drumline after stopping to comment on the uniforms "The uniforms flowing design really extenuates the music and movement of this group...Oh, a saxophone was late on the step off over here, minus .05...Huh? WTF?!? CRASH!!!"

• Commenting on the excellence of the flutes and clarinets that the band doesn't have (they mistook the sax line for those instruments). "Wow! These flutes and clarinets are awesome! And they are oh so shiny and gold colored too...wonder what company makes curved metal clarinets and flutes?"

• Using strange words to describe the music. ""Tasty, pit, tasty! Clarinets could use a little more flavor... Muy Bien, piccolos!"

• Living out the fantasy that they are a sports anouncer instead of a lowly high school marching band judge."He's at the 40...35...30...passes right through the trumpet line...still in step...OH! OH! OW! Slipped on the turf 2 off the 35 yard line...the lead tenor (quads) drummer has fallen...OW! There goes the snares and basses...Wait! He is getting up! Ladies and gentlemen, he is getting up and getting back into formation...look at that skill and excellence...can we get an instant replay, Bob?"

[edit] The Metatron

The Voice of God (known as the Announcer to the Infidels), for it is God who gives thy bands scores every competition, and it is the Voice of God who bestows placements and trophies to the bands.

[edit] Major Competing Organizations

• Drum Corps International- These are not bands, but corps... the gods above all marching bands, the elite group seeking ultimate perfection. Many high school bands draw inspiration from these deities. The most hallowed Drum Corps performance ever was performed by the Cadets in their sacred "The Zone Dreamscapes in Four Parts with a Door" show of 2005, which was only .85 away from perfection. Some say that when a band finally reaches a score of a perfect 100, their messiah will return and free the players from their tortuous labor of marching, and a new, better world will begin. In order to achieve such levels, drum corps exclude saxes and woodwinds, as they serve no purpose but to bring the corps down with their shenanigans.

• USSBA- The talent of these bands varies from region to region. The bands in the mid-west/south area are usually pretty good but their size is comparable to that of three Drum Corps and then some. The bands in the eastern US tend to think that they can play, but higher level bands like those in TOB tend to want to throw them off of the field.

• Tournament of Bands- An organization devoted to encouraging bands to get better "through positive reinforcement". This of course does nothing but cause shame and humiliation to the remaining 20 bands who did not make the top 5 at the Atlantic Coast Championships (ACC's). Previous reputation is what counts here. Your band can do an awesome and unique show worthy of a championship, but if *cough* Mechanicsburg *cough* even shows up to said band performance, you will lose. You can not beat Mechanicsburg because it is against TOB law. Not only will they get a 99.98 in their score (nearly perfection) at ACC's, but they will do it with an overused show theme and a completely non-biased judging panel (of course...). It can be pouring down rain/sleet/snow/lava/meteors on that band, with every single one of their enormous color-guard falling on their asses, the band doing a standstill show out of tempo, their drum-major falling over and dying.... and your band will still come in second place to Mechanicsburg. Yes, that is what makes TOB so exciting.

• Bands of America-Similar to the above, but in addition to traveling to several local competitions, you travel nationwide to compete in a wide variety of places against bands you may never see again (nor do you really care that much about because the local bands at home are much better at being actual rivals), all for some stupid Grand National Championship, which despite being national, only appears in major media if a band from a major city wins or one of those "underdog" schools wins. The remaining 500 so bands slip off unnoticed, only to hope they have funding left to pay for their future cross country treks.

• Cavalcade of Bands-Like the TOB, only much more local and easier to win in thanks to the lack of the obvious bias toward bands in the TOB.(The latter has been disproven as many bands that failed to win in the TOB have come here and came out champions. (Twnshp)

• Gladiatorial Musical Combatants of America- The Hardest form of competition, the Gladiatorial Musical Combatants of America requires all of the standard challenges such as music and marching, but also requires impressive feats in gladiatorial combat. Weapons may range from halberd to halibut, but the combat must remain fierce, and must be kept in beat and in tune. Also seen has been;

Marching band vs. Mike Tyson! Marching band vs. Marching band! Marching band vs. Motocross! Marching band vs. Monster trucks! Marching band vs. Mammoths! Marching band vs. Mackerel! Marching band vs. Mafia! Marching band vs. Manchuria! Marching band vs. Malaysia! Marching band vs. Marching Band!(huh?) Marching band vs. Mr. T!(I pity the fool!) Marching band vs. Machine Guns!

and always a favorite... Marching band vs. Molecular Fusion!

• Cacophony of Bands

• Tournament of Bananas

• SCSBOA- Many a band is leaving it- I wonder why?

Ask yourself this next time a judge says something stupid about your band...

If they know what they are talking about, why don't they have their own band to direct?

[edit] Parades

• A 3- to 5-mile form of punishment for the band, not dissimilar from an upbeat Bataan death march, intended to melt the victims' brains into a jelly-like substance while drilling the music of John Phillip Sousa into their heads.

This is pure torture for all who march.

• Often include parade commands intended to humiliate someone or something while serving as an opportunity for section leaders to demonstrate their complete control over the minds of their sections.

[edit] The All Powerful Gock

The gock is the most powerful weapon mankind as ever seen. Its ability to control hundreds to step in time together, keep time, play as one, or commit mass suicide in time has been unmatched. Commonly referred to as either the Gock Block or simply the Gock.

It turns band members by the score into its bidding device. Although medicine can be provided to ease the suffering, escape from its "gock"-ey grasp is impossible. Struck by either a bone from those whose souls it has devoured or, more commonly, a piece of wood extricated (by fearless agents dispatched by the ruling council of band directors) from the depths of hell itself, its strike has the equivalent power of 23 atomic bombs, each having the power to destroy four thousand solar systems, simultaneously striking a poodle. In the hands of the most evil, it can destroy twice the solar systems!

In ancient times, the gock was called "God", for the simple reason that it was spelled similarly on the manuscript copy of the "Washington Post" march. It is now understood that it was meant to be spelled "Gok", which translates into English as "Gock".

The gock block is usually held by either the director or drum major. This device is said to have been individually made by SATAN[<3] and has been known to start World War 1 and 2.

Research into the subject has determined that the gock is indestructible save by a jackhammer or a herd of angry tubas.

[edit] Dr. Beat

Dr. Death, M.D., is a marching band therapist who deals with cases such as people being out of step, drum majors being incapable to conduct and people who just need a good "beat"ing once in a while. Dr. Beat treats all these cases by beating his patients with sixtuplets at 250 bpm (Dr. Beat, Ph.D. can go to 300!) until the tempo sets in permanently. Unfortunately, long term, and sometimes even short term exposure to such beatings can cause epileptic seizures, comas, hearing loss, explosive diarrhea, death, and spontaneous marking time to any constant beat from any source. Dr. Beat was once a major competitor to the Gock, as the doctor was powered by electricity, but now the Gock holds power over Dr. Beat via the threat of blackmail. It is rumored that the Gock possesses a photograph of Dr. Beat working with members of a high school chorus, one of the marching band's most hated enemies. The rumor states that Dr. Beat must do Gock's whim at all times, or the world will see Dr. Beat's betrayal.

All hail the Gock!

[edit] Portrait of a Marching Band

Main article: Band geeks

[edit] Leaders

• Band Directors, usually an adult male who demeans other students in an attempt to make up for his unwholesome dreams of glory. Will make the band practice in any weather, including tornadoes, hurricanes, apocalypses, deadly cold, and the Fires of Hell.

• Drum Major, also known as "Hitler" the alpha-band geek, who may, or may not be the master of his or her domain. Basically a metronome with a cape(or a monkey with hands). They are suck ups to the band director and are usually the closest to him. Normally suffers from permanent PMS, and can occasionally say things like "Am I seriously going to do this without my podium?!". Usually a woodwind or sometimes a bass drum player, or in occasion a trumpet player. Usually have a follower that will do whatever the drum major wants and is so far up the majors ass you don't know where one ends and one begins. These are the people who either don't want to play anymore, or get sick pleasure out of bossing others around. Troopers of the band, seeing as the pain of conducting is one that even Satan doesn't inflict on others.they are usually annoyed by the trombones or euphonium at band practices and comps(competitions). Most drum majors think they are very good at conducting, and whatnot, but really... they stand their like gargoyles conducting cement. Really, they are only necessary for about 2 seconds of the entire show.

• (El) Band President(e), the corrupt leader of the band’s commie society. Will rat out anyone to gain stature with the band director. This person is usually not liked among not only band parents but their children too.

• Section Leader(s), veteran players.They aren't drum major so this is the closest to a leadership position that they can gain. Sometimes, a freshman will get this title just to piss off the older members of the section. There are typically three types of section leaders. One is the "This is the most important role I've ever had so by god I'm going to do it right". They usually are the uptight section leaders who have a bear so far up their ass that they are coughing up hair balls. The second is the "This is the most important role I've ever had and i really couldn't give a flying llama". These usually are the pot smoking slackers of the band that really couldn't care less how the band does. The third and final type is the retarded bipolar mash up of the two. These section leaders switch on and off from being the responsible up tight prick, to forgetting to bring their instrument to band practice.

• Wannabe Section Leaders(s), players who aren't a section leader but try to be anyway. They are at times referred to as the “Anti-Christ” or “Whore of Babylon" among their peers. They are always seeking for revenge, or being sought for revenge. Usually pretty bitter about not being section leaders, so although they lack actual power, it's not wise to piss off the wannabe-leaders. Most are freshman who lose their power to other freshman. Constantly interfere with section leader plots. They are most likely a favorite of a choir teacher. Most wannabes are good at yelling and expect the other members to roll over and take. ( which they do but sometimes they have someone ball-z enough to turn around and yell "I don't have to listen to you, your not the section leader!" which they wannabe be responds by saying "no need to be a bitch about it!" turning around and completely ignoring everyone around them and playing by them selves)

• Band Parents, an evil-subspecies of human that lurk around band camp and the sacred competitions. Research is inconclusive, but theory has it that the secret organization of band parents constructed a formula to control band directors everywhere with profuse amounts of alcohol and valve oil.

[edit] Subgroups

• Normal, a player who is not really a band geek, but probably one of the few normal people in the band. They do not want to be there, but often very talented. They are usually scapegoated, and crucified on a weekly basis.

• The Retards Who Give the Band a Horrible Reputation , Usually the most overly-enthusiastic members of the band. These players tend to be the least talented and most obnoxious/socially inept, yet they have the unexplainable urge to advertise to the world that they are in the band, giving the rest of the band a humiliating reputation, which for the most part is true.

• H-Unit, the strangest character in the band with a sexual attraction to fire. Although they are underrated, they tend to come through in the clutch situations – usually through means of napalm, car bombs, or flaming dog shit. The H-Unit is often very good friends with the Band Geek. One day the H-Unit will burn down the band room, leaving nothing but MEMORIES.

• The Playa-Hater, a talented player who hates participating in band events like practice, concerts, or football games, and is only in band because the director forces him to.

• Silent Bob, the band geek who never talks, but knows what they're doing. Prefers to not get into arguments.. They are very reclusive and never talk to freshmen.

• The Stoner / Peanut Gallery, a group of players who have fried their brains away by doing various drugs or through frequent head nodding. They do not contribute to the band’s performance, and are often too blazed to play.

• The Non-Leadership, the people who are on leadership/position who really don't want to be there but have to. They have a total disregard for authority and constantly encourage people to quit band. Thes are generally the best liked members of the band leadership.

• The Hole-Filler, This character usually shows up sometime in the first month or two after band camp. He or she has no concept of what marching band means, yet the director feels he/she can adequately fill a whole in the band. This person may feel they are doing a great service and are a critical member in the band, when in fact many if not all other members do not even consider them a true band member. If you must march next to a hole-filler, be sure to shout vulgarities at them if and when they screw up. After all, they don't even have to play, but they do have one weakness a better life.

• The Suck-up, This is usually a freshman or sophomore (or sometimes a Middle School person) who sucks (sometimes literally) up to his section leader and or drum major in hopes of gaining a leadership position. This person is usually despised, especially by juniors and other seniors in the section. Closely related to the wannabe section leader. In other cases they can be known to take the form of a short little fat kid who sucks up only to the band director and assistant and yells at section leaders and drum majors. In other words flute and clarinet players who like to brag a lot.

• The Socially Inept Band Kid, This is the kid who complains about everything in band and how much they hate it. They will however refuse to quit because it is the only place that they are somewhat accepted. (if accepted means being slaves of drum majors and section leaders and basically any kind of upperclassmen that is.)

• That One Kid that Marched Drum Corps, this kid is the biggest bad ass in the program, but hates it because the stupid bandies can fail. He will quit band mid semester and take gym instead.

• That One Kid that wanted to March Drum Corps, this is the kid that thought he was all tough and amazing but really his "bad ass-ness" made him and the band look worse. It might be that they mark time a little "cooler" than everybody else, or that they brought their foot up higher to march than everybody else, whatever it was they did something different from the rest of the band just to have a few extra points taken away. This person may also be linked to the "stuck up" band member because he/she thinks that they are superior to the rest.

• The Band-Groupie, a nonmember of the marching band who holds the deranged notion that being accepted by the group means they are liked. In all actuality, the band is severely deprived of those who actually tolerate them, so they are pleased when any unknowing idiot meanders into their clutches. Band-Groupies are good for screaming like fangirls at shows, clapping at the wrong tempo, and are especially proficient at serving as much needed mutes for Sousaphones.

[edit] Sectional Stereotypes

• Clarinets - Known as the "the sqeeeeeekers", and also as the "band whores". Most girl clarinets get mad very easy but you can get them un-mad at you just as easy. Always sharp or flat and just screw around instead of actually tuning. These tuning circles include section leaders forcing others to make dance club sounds. This section is the closest to the band director because of their amazing ability to tell the director how un-fat he or she is. Also, they are one of the bitchiest sections of the band. They are the softest even though there section is massive, least regarded, and most ignored section of the marching band. This is partly due to the fact that even the moderately good clarinet players switch to mellophone during marching season. One talented clarinet player will stay behind, though, to be section leader, not for the power, but because of the ability to lord over others by marching in the front.

• Saxophones - The pot smokers who everyone hangs out with. They are always cracking hilarious jokes, and don't take anything seriously. Very rarely in tune and are always confusing f sharp and f natural. Obsessed with their horridly out of tune sound they add jazz riffs and solos where they don't belong. Usually the saxophone section is the most outgoing and incredibly messed up section in the band. Their section leader is usually the most laid back compared to the others. A common nickname for the sax line is the "Sexophones", or the "Smexyphones", due of course to the sexiness, and all around coolness the section is known for throughout the band. This section can include the Bass Clarinet, and when that happens, the sub-species known as "Low Reeds" is formed. Tenor saxophones are usually only playing the tenor because they hate the alto section leader.

• Trumpets - The director's (or asst. directors) favorite; usually propelled by just 1 or 2 very good, and usually very short and quasi attractive players, although all of them attempt to be the highest, loudest, and most arrogant. Enjoys playing loudly and amazingly to deafen people within a 5 mile radius. They are granted the ability to play piccolo notes on their trumpet, which, when done correctly, will be so incredibly awe-inspiring that wars will end, all people will have enough food, all people will have shelter, and the entire world's economy will collapse and be replaced with one based on the value of chocolate. However, if a note is missed, a note is added, or the soloist squeaks, run for cover, as the world will shortly end due a phenomenon known to experts as "the apocalypse", because of this most non-talented trumpets are relegated to Cs and Bbs in the staff and they somehow manage to fuck that up too. May or may not like to eat burritos while having sex.

• Mellophones - Consists of 3-4 people who who are usually seen traveling together. Often called the marching French Horn. Although usually small in size, they are very powerful. Due to new trend, there is at least one really attractive player and females primarily make up this section (males who do, don't care), who don't practice very often but exude awesomeness anyway. This section of the band usually consists of one to two really talented musicians who were switched to horn because they sucked at their old instrument. The mellophones tend to be forgotten about in music compositions, often having identical parts to other sections like saxes or clarinets. They are basically there to add more volume to the alto part, because the saxophones just can't cut it. It is rumored that Chuck Norris played the mellophone.

• Low Brass - The section that does nothing but slack off. Either the smallest section or the disproportionally large one. Usually arrogant and big head-ed, they typically consist of men and manly girls. The presence of females within the section that do not match the required testosterone levels causes confusion and sometimes death.

Tubas usually synonymous with the word "assholes", the tuba section is the craziest section in the whole dang band. Each tribe is usually comprised of 1-2 members, but it has been noted that they also exist in larger numbers. Usually the biggest goofballs in the whole band, they're always the ones who can never keep their mouths shut. It is quite rare for any section to be yelled at other than the tubas. When the tuba section is not being yelled at, directors and staff can usually be heard cursing under their breath. Despite their retarded nature, there are tuba players that exist that have musical talent. In some bands, the majority of kids that have been sent to State Band have been tuba players. But this does not make them any less retarded.

Trombones (A.K.A Boners) consist of people who make penis jokes and people who constantly exaggerate the size of their package, and are seemingly obsessed with phallic shaped objects. People who are confident in their girth will often play. Some of which are typically obnoxious light-saber loving tards. When in large numbers, the Trombone Players M.O. is to make loud noises with no coherent thought other than to further their reputation as a retard. When small in number, there has to be one Giant (the guy who looks like he ate growth hormones as a kid). Trombone players have a natural tendency to be better (louder) than everyone else in the band... at everything. No matter what happens trombone players are always the winners. No matter what happens trombones are also always right. Mistakes are the fault of Percussion/drum majors/trumpets. It is often believed that God himself forged the first trombone known to man out of volcanic magma and awesomeness. The only reason trombones are even in the band is to make the baritones sound bad with the "edgy" sound all the trombones claim is "ammmmaaaaazzzziiinnng."

Baritone, a smaller but beefier instrument with sound comparable to that of a truck backfiring. It is claimed that baritone is a manly instrument, although in reality, they are just trombones that are just bent more. Baritone players are often scrawny little chaps, although sometimes, there can be a larger, more manly member of the section. This person is probably a descendant of a trombone player or just good friends with one.

• Flutes - Walking bags of wind, looked down on by almost every other section, and lets face it, are only good for trilling. Placed behind colorguard and majorettes in line of defense if zombies attack the band. They are also known as the least intimate section because of their infamous inner section fights(which are certain to happen); to a flute player, nothing is ever going right. If you piss one off enough you are sure to get a whack on the back causing a broken flute and a lawsuit. More likely to drop their instrument through the bleachers. Male flute players are probably gay, but nobody in the band is quite sure. Will do 'ultimate kicks' with no purpose. This section is usually in the middle of the scale, behind saxophones and in front of low brass. As nice as they seem, bears, sharks and the black plague have all been known to be nicer. This section generally consists of the members of the band who have to play the most difficult rhythms while doing drill[aren't the best at things like sliding and scurrying]. Flutes are well known for making sure they stand exactly where their spot is on the field by some magical ability. However, if the form happens to be off a couple steps or so then on the drill sheets and you try and point this out to them, be prepared to get a tirade about how right they are. When sleep-deprived, very deadly. When PMSing, which approximately 4/5 of the section at any given time, even more deadly. Hurt easily and complain the most about minimal things that everyone deals with, like the heat.

• Drumline - Typically "balls for brains", the men are truly convinced that they are the perfect form of man. Most drummers are the hottest members of the band (or at least think they are), except for the freakishly small, or freakishly large girl. Even though they are the dumbest (besides cymbals) and have no clue what to do oft times annoying the rest of the line. The phrase "Drama Line" is often associated with the drum line, as they aren't really competent enough to do much else then hit stuff, especially when that really hot tenor player rapes/impregnates/totally wails out on the innocent woodwind player that everyone was pretty sure was innocent. Snares are the pretty boys. They think everyone loves them and they are the best part of the drumline. Usually consists of the 'I'm so cute but my penis is small' kid. Male drummers like to show themselves anywhere whether it be on the field or in the soundproofs where they press their hairy asses up against the glass doors. Thought to be gay, or at least bi (no one is quite sure because most catch the fresmanitis and date the freshies) They easily amused by anything bright, shiny, or loud. They love to decorate the soundproof, of course after cleaning up their messes. Their attention span is that of a two year old and so are their brains. YEAH BAND is the common phrase used by most as stolen from their previous band president. They practice constantly; buses, chairs, tables, desks, buses, counters, chairs, their own limbs, other people's limbs, buses, and tables...and did i mention buses... Sometimes they will have the courtesy to use a drum pad. You can usually tell them apart from normal humans by the constant tapping emitting from any limb on their body. Band members and drummers find it hard to discuss music, due to the fact that the drummers usually don't even notice the band is playing. Tempo is something of a myth among them. Their job is not only to be "captain", but to keep tempo during marching. Unfortunately, one requirement is to be unable to keep tempo for any duration of time. They never go to their right spots in the drill and end up making their own. Cymbals aka 'bitches' aka 'cymbal monkeys' are the kids that couldn't cut it in the drumline or were stupid enough to miss their audition. Usually cosnists of the stupidest tone-death idiots and maybe one kid who is amazing. The girls are manlier than most. The fact is that they would love to kill you and use your bones as new sticks. They are the slackers of the band and usually the last line to know what's going on besides the colorguard and majorettes. They have the most fun out of all the lines and like to spend Fridays before games playing football in the mud and rain. Sticks often times fall through the bleachers while they are pissing around with each others drums. Drums make a good place to hide snacks which most drummers do. Music changes from day to day during band camp and some songs don't even have music thus forcing the drummers to make it up. Albeit being crazy and wild the section leader usually cracks the whip when it is necessary shocking the shit out of the rest of the line. They never watch the drum majors and are highly criticized for that (and for banging too loud) in reality the drumline does not know the scales and have no need to pay attention the drum majors (who are off). Drummers are too busy looking at their drums as if they are going to leap off of their harnesses and often get in trouble for it. TappatappatappataptaptapTAPTAP! Roll! Click! tappatappataptaptap tap tap tap! Most Drumlines also have 1 or 2 truly talented musicians that started playing in 4th grade because they were told that piano was technically a percussion instrument. Unfortunately, their talents are usually wasted on slamming quarter notes on their drums in a vain attempt to keep the rest of the drums on tempo. Although often stereotyped in this manner, though, the drumline is not uncommonly one of the most frighteningly close and most dedicated sections. Most of the above was written by wind players who are bitter that drummers are generally more popular outside of band because of their instrument.

• Sideline Percussion[2] - Sometimes referred to as the "Giant lawn ornaments," which are played by large lawn gnomes. Affectionately called the "Pit" by the band director, this group is made up of people who had failed to meet his standards in marching and playing and some that actually want to be there, thus thrown into a "pit" of marimbas, xylophones, timpani and assorted percussion instruments. Many of the marchers have a defined resentment for the gremlins who stay in their tent all Band Camp long, not having to march a step; however, say it to their face, and you will find limbs missing and mallets shoved up your ass. They possess the power of playing upwards of 24 * 10^31 sticks at one time, disregarding their ability to actually play the actual music with any real talent. Players in the "Pit" are constantly told to "listen back", which is often impossible due to the facts that their obnoxiously loud instruments are in the way, the horns are in the way, and they're not facing "back" in the first place. This is often ignored by the band staff, especially the egotistical drumline instructor, who respond by saying "listen harder." Generally made up of kids too spazzy for the drumline,or not gay enough for the color guard.

• Freak Instruments - Section that includes the oboe, bassoon, and many weird brass instruments (here's looking to you Flugel Horn). These people love "attention" and usually get that "attention". This is the section that screws everything up by needing special things for their instruments. Oboe and bassoon are not supposed to be marched due to the fact that the strange appendages on their instruments can and often will reach out of their own volition and kill members of the band that play "real" instruments, and cost enough for one reed than an entire set of uniforms. Most likely to bankrupt the band, much to the enjoyment of many.

• Drifters- A.K.A alternates. These people are not a section, but rather a group of individuals that have switched instruments because a section needs more members or their section leaders are fucking bastards. Another reason these people usually don't get spots in the show may be because of a rare disease called Einotpleymusikworthakrapeosis. Excepting the occasional talented player, most of the people in this "section" are looked down on by the rest of the band for being "non-committal", or "discomplacent". These never get solos.

• Color Guard -Part of the band, yet not really. They often complain that the band isn't even important. However, everyone, even themselves, know they are dead wrong. The color guard members are often the most annoying of the band, with their makeup, costumes, and god awful laugh that can be heard above everyone else. They are like the black sheep of the family. Color Guard often start unnecessary drama with other sections of the band, because they want to actually communicate with someone that isn't in their section.

[edit] Enemies

• Choir - the Band’s natural enemy – the band sends the piccolo player in to asplode their ear drums. The Choir is basically the fat lards who have to musical talent and cant even lift them selves to march so they just sit they and suck wind.

• Orchestra - the band’s other natural enemy. However, the band can actually outplay and overpower the orchestra. They are sometimes forced to perform with each other. orchestra sucks band gets the trophies but they get the credit .

• Nerds- nerds give the band a bad reputation, because of the common misconception that band members are "band geeks". The difference between "band geeks" and nerds is that "band geeks" actually have friends that don't spend all day on the computer.

• Cheerleaders - the antithesis to the band nerd. These girls were created for the sole purpose of being ridiculed by the band members. The jokes usually consist of words too large for them to understand, so saying them in front of cheerleaders is no problem. While band nerds are the social outcasts, the cheerleaders are quite the opposite; their sluttiness makes them popular, especially at parties. Band nerds resent them because of their lack of intelligence and they can't seem to get their priorities straight. At football games, they make up lame-ass cheers for the band and cheer to empty stands at away games! But once in a while we get the occasional musically semi smart cheerkillers in band.

• Football Players - Many band geeks are incapable of thinking on the same low level as the football players. The reason isn't clear, but it as something to do with the football players rolling around the field with players of the opposing team and slamming their heads together, which usually results in the loss of brain cells. Sometimes it is debatable whether the football team can even play the game at all. That's when the band should step in and play football instead, because we could do a hell of a lot better while staying in step.

• Everyone Else