UnScripts:March of the Penguins

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070508 penguinarmy
Penguins. The last source of innocence.
In 2006 or something like that, a slow-paced "family fun" documentary about penguins, and maybe some other stuff, commenced production. Archives of penguin footage were checked, stolen from and re-checked. Editing came and went like... the summer solstice? Posters were designed (with MS Paint, no less) and glued to alley walls worldwide. Bloggeres blogged with nonchalant looks on their faces. At last, the final cut of this particular film was released to penguin-loving audiences already warmed tp the concept by the likes of Happy Feet and Reservoir Dogs. It hit cinemas like an artistic, somewhat graceful bullet, and at that point, the director looked over the original movie and realized that it was a piece of crap. Whoops.





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MARCH OF THE PENGUINS

AN ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY BY [the writer wishes not to be named]

FADE IN FROM WHITE. Wide shot of Antarctica. Penguins come into view, and as we zoom on them, we see that the penguins are MARCHING.

MORGAN FREEMAN: These... are penguins. They... are marching... to where they will... breed. These pengiuns... are marching... to where they will... breed.

We see the penguins march some more, and then they bend each other over and have wild rampant penguin sex. Some boy penguins get fondled.

MORGAN FREEMAN: Now... the penguins... are breeding. It's time... to wait... for the eggs... to hatch.

We see the penguins standing around in the afterglow and waiting for the eggs to hatch. This is a very long shot to be done in one take of around 2 months. After 2 months, give or take a week, we see the eggs hatch.

MORGAN FREEMAN: The eggs... are beginning to hatch.

We see the older penguins pick up the younger penguins and swim into the Antarctic Sea with them.

THE EN...

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WAIT! DON'T LEAVE THE CINEMA! ...yet...

WE HAVE MORE NUDITY FOR YOU!

FADE IN FROM WHITE SCENES OF GRATUITOUS HUMAN SEX. Wide shot of Antarctica (note: Antarctica is portrayed as the dirty alley of some city, maybe New York? Yeah, OK. New Penguinyork). Penguins come into view (note: the penguins are Lead Penguin (Toby Maguire), Female Penguin (Sylvester Stallone) and Comic Relief Penguin (uhh, Chris Tucker?)) and as we zoom on them, we see that the penguins are MARCHING SHOOTING AT A SUPPOSEDLY VILLAINOUS BUNCH OF PENGUIN EXTRAS.

MORGAN FREEMAN: These... are penguins. They... are marching fighting for the justice of New Penguinyork... to where they will... breed. These penguins... are marching... to where they will... breed.

We see the penguins march some more engage in an astounding high-speed car chase featuring two Lamborghinis and a Vauxhall Astra which ends in both Lamborghinis exploding and Stallone blowing up an evil mutated sea-lion, and then they bend each other over and have wild rampant penguin sex. Some boy penguins get fondled.

LEAD PENGUIN: Aww, hell yeah! Looks like they got... run over!

Emperor penguins
From right: Comic Relief Penguin, Female Penguin, Lead Penguin, Justin Bieber Penguin (cameo).
FEMALE PENGUIN: I love you, Lead Penguin!

COMIC RELIEF PENGUIN: Looks like these guys are gon' take it downtown!

MORGAN FREEMAN: Now... the penguins... are breeding. It's time... to wait... for the eggs... to hatch battle New Penguinyork's numerous drug lords, as well as breed some more.

COMIC RELIEF PENGUIN: Gawd damn, Lead Penguin! How da hell you gon' take on the drug lords o' New gawd damn Penguinyork?

LEAD PENGUIN: I don't know, but I know it's gonna involve a lot of mutilation!

FEMALE PENGUIN: I love you, Lead Penguin!

We see the penguins standing around in the afterglow Penguin-mob warehouse and waiting for the eggs to hatch to battle New Penguinyork's numerous drug lords, as well as breed some more. This (note: refers to the ensuing scenes of battling New Penguinyork's numerous drug lords, with machine guns, as well as breeding some more) is a very long shot to be done in one take of around 2 months with lots and lots of CGI effects and one-liners from Comic Relief Penguin. After 2 months, give or take a week, we see the eggs hatch warehouse explode in a giant fireball, with the leads escaping triumphantly, only to have the main evil Mob-penguin rise seemingly unharmed from the ashes with a somehow fully loaded AK-47, which he fires at the trio. Lead Penguin attacks the main evil Mob-penguin with a machete and they have a ten-minute long swordfight featuring lots of mutilation and more one-liners from Comic Relief Penguin.

COMIC RELIEF PENGUIN: Holy shi-et! Dat mofo crackhead beeyach is goin' AWOL on Lead Penguin's ass like he's all Robin Hood an' shit from da hood, ya know girl?

MORGAN FREEMAN: The eggs... are beginning to hatch penguins have succeded in their awesome quest to defeat the drug lords. Now Lead Penguin can get married... or something... and Comic Relief Penguin also does something with his life. Oh, and don't forget to buy authentic March of the Penguins merchandise, including real penguins, at www.marchofthepenguinsthemovie.com! Oh yeah, shop at Wal-Mart!

LEAD PENGUIN: He was really getting on my... edge.

COMIC RELIEF PENGUIN: Holy shi-et! You did it, Lead Penguin! You took on dat Robin Hood mofo from the hood and beat his ass all the way back to Mexico! Remember kids, always try.

FEMALE PENGUIN: I love you, Lead Penguin!

COMIC RELIEF PENGUIN: I know, beeyach! You been tellin me for the whole damn movie! You look like a hooker!

We see the older penguins pick up the younger penguins Lead Penguin propose and make out to Female Penguin through the magic of CGI and swim into the Antarctic Sea with them his new wife and Comic Relief Penguin.

THE END... OR IS IT?

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