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“Watching Marat Safin play tennis is like watching Marat Safin play tennis: You never know when you’ll get a tennis racquet smashed over your head....”
Marat Mikhailovich Safin (born 27 January 1980) is the world's best-looking tennis player. He was once #1 in the world for 9½ weeks and intermittently wins Grand Slams even though his tennis is so consistently inconsistent it beggars belief.
edit Early career
Marat was born in Moscow, Russia on 27 January 1980 into a tennis playing family. His father managed the local Spartak tennis club and his mother was a former Russian top 10 player and is the current Miss Universe. Marat inherits his devastating good looks from his father. His sister Dinara Safina plays on the womens circuit. Safin started playing tennis at the age of six. His mother has stated that Marat was “as natural a tennis player as he was a beauty” and he was the only one of the tennis siblings that didn’t have to have his hand stapled to his racquet in order to learn the correct Western grip.
At the age of fourteen, Marat grew weary of the endless diet of red cabbage, vodka and Communism. He headed to Valencia in Spain, ostensibly to use the advance tennis training facilities there but mainly because the girls are easier. Here Marat says he grew up "very fast...with no muscles." This strange condition meant that he still had no luck with the ladies despite his near-perfect visage. Marat turned to training to take his mind off his dry spell. In addition, he learnt fluent Spanish and embarked on a rigorous skin care regime involving paella that paid off handsomely.
edit Tennis career
Marat turned pro in 1997. In 1998, he grabbed the attention of the world when he turned up at Roland Garros looking gorgeous. He beat Andre Agassi in the first round. Agassi commented on the match, "I took one look him and knew that I didn’t stand a chance. I mean, I am an OK-looking guy but, holy shit, he is divine."
edit Becoming World No 1
Marat held the No. 1 ATP ranking for 9½ weeks during 2000 when he won his first Grand Slam tournament at the US Open, by defeating Pete Sampras in outright good looks.
edit Onwards and upwards and downwards
Unfortunately, a succession of bad haircuts then hindered his progress and cost him most of the 2003 season. Marat reached the final round in three more Grand Slam tournaments, all in the Australian Open in 2002, 2004, and 2005. He has cited nervous ugliness as the reason for his loss in the 2002 event, and physical exhaustion for causing the bags under his eyes and subsequent loss in 2004. He defeated home-country favourite Lleyton Hewitt in the 2005 finals to secure his second Grand Slam in five years. Although Lleyton was the archetypical good-looking blond Aussie, he was no match for Marat’s classical handsomeness.
edit Current form
In 2008 Marat shocked the tennis world again by turning up at Wimbledon looking better than he ever had. He defeated World no 3 seed Novak Djokovic in the second round. Novak, who had been listed as a potential finalist in the tournament, went on record saying "He [Safin] is my hero, he’s bloody gorgeous, he looks better now than ever before, how is this possible?" Marat reached the semifinals, eventually losing to Swiss cheese lord Roger Federer. Although Federer is not handsome, he has a style that is all Wimbledon and that fact, this time, seemed to work in his favour.
edit Style of play
At 6'4”, with a perfect physique and Greek god looks Marat often causes opponents to simply wilt under their own mediocre looks. However, when this fails, he resorts to violence and tantrums. In the course of his career he has, in temper, smashed over 15,000 racquets, 42 chairs, 3 bottles of barley juice, 2 line judges, and a spectator. He has never apologised. His temper is as unpredictable as his tennis. He can often be seen muttering to himself in an insane manner, but this is done mainly for effect. In bed, at night, in his dreams, he kills umpires.
Marat’s sister Dinara plays on the womens tour. In the looks department, she doesn’t come close to the Adonis like perfection that is Marat. This rankles her and she can often be found weeping on open court. In tennis she has fared rather better recently, currently ranking no. 1 in the world, despite choking like a dog in every slam final she's ever played in.