Map

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(lol osama's dead now)
(Delete lists; clean up)
 
(One intermediate revision by one user not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
 
[[Image: 369px-Treasure.Island.map.jpg|thumb|right|220px|Typical map marking the position of the all valuable '''X.''']]
 
[[Image: 369px-Treasure.Island.map.jpg|thumb|right|220px|Typical map marking the position of the all valuable '''X.''']]
{{Wilde|[[Voltaire]] couldn't find his [[penis]] if I drew him a two-dimensional representative survey showing him where to locate it.|Maps}}
+
A '''map''' is a two-dimensional representation of part of the [[earth]]'s surface. The earth's surface, of course, is not two-dimensional, which means that maps are a blatant fraud. This form of deceiving the reader was outlawed by the [[Catholic Church]] at the end 17th Century, in favor of more refined scams such as purchased absolutions.
 
Outlawed by the [[Catholic Church]] at the end 17th Century, a '''map''' was an instrument used to prove the [[world]] was flat.
 
   
 
==The History of Maps==
 
==The History of Maps==
  +
[[Image:Youarenothere.gif|thumb|left|440px|Wherever you are, you can always be sure that you're lost.]]
 
Maps have been employed throughout the ages to illustrate, identify, [[obfuscate]], the exact position of the letter '[[X]]'. X is, of course, the most valuable of mathematical variables, followed by '[[Y]]', and '[[Z]]'. However, almost no one in the Middle Ages cared about the Y of things, and still fewer about the Z. This is because X marks the spot where everything is, and sometimes where something you wanted really badly was, too.
 
Maps have been employed throughout the ages to illustrate, identify, [[obfuscate]], the exact position of the letter '[[X]]'. X is, of course, the most valuable of mathematical variables, followed by '[[Y]]', and '[[Z]]'. However, almost no one in the Middle Ages cared about the Y of things, and still fewer about the Z. This is because X marks the spot where everything is, and sometimes where something you wanted really badly was, too.
   
Line 11: Line 12:
 
In 1799, the American Map Treasury burned down due to arson, and, as a consequence, most U.S. Americans today do not have access to maps. Efforts have been made to recreate the missing maps but they have all, as yet, failed. The UN is now working on allying U.S. America with the Iraq and other Asian countries in order to optimize education for us and our children.
 
In 1799, the American Map Treasury burned down due to arson, and, as a consequence, most U.S. Americans today do not have access to maps. Efforts have been made to recreate the missing maps but they have all, as yet, failed. The UN is now working on allying U.S. America with the Iraq and other Asian countries in order to optimize education for us and our children.
   
==The World's Most Recognizable Maps==
+
==The First Maps==
[[Image:Youarenothere.gif|thumb|right|440px|Where ever you are, you can always be sure that you're lost.]]
+
[[Image:43mapa.jpg|thumb|left|200px|This early [[Hyrule|Hylian]] depiction of the world is wildly inaccurate, as [[Norway]] is nowhere near that big.]]
Cartographers agree that some maps have greater-than-average historical value, and many are, indeed, priceless. ''These include:''
+
The first map ever produced dates back to the Shang Dynasty (1600 BCE), from the text of the ''I Ching.'' '''[[Confucius]],''' trying desperately to make his students understand the idea of [[change]], [[divination]], the movement of the body, and the concept of the [[hot dog]], simply gave up after six hours, and sent his favorite whipping-boy '''Lian Shan''' to the nearest enemy village to be killed for disrupting class. Directions to the enemy village would not be enough for this doorknob, however, so Confucius scribbled out a crude map. History was made that day, when Lian did not return.
   
* The Ho Chí Minh Trail
 
* Stratford-upon-Twat
 
* The Grounds of the [[Playboy]] Mansion
 
* [[Crusade|Pope Clermont's One-Way Fun Map to Jerusalem]]
 
* The 1790 Free Blanket Distribution Survey
 
* The One I Have to Hide with My Shiv
 
* Grand Ayatollah Ali-Al Sistani's shortcut to Mecca during the Hajj
 
* Sherwood Forest
 
* The One I Have to Draw To My House For Your Dumb Ass Every Year on [[Christmas]]
 
* The 1784 Atlantic African-American Trade Route
 
* The 1861 Escaped Slave Trail
 
* [[Central Park]]
 
* The Bellman's map<ref>[http://www.snarkdown.de/snarkhunt/#fit2 He had bought a large map representing the sea,&nbsp;/ Without the least vestige of land:&nbsp;/ And the crew were much pleased when they found it to be&nbsp;/ A map they could all understand.]</ref>
 
* A blank sheet of paper, used to confuse early pioneers
 
 
 
[[Image: Mapimage.gif|thumb|right|260px|What a copy of Copernicus’s shopping list on a map of Hell’s Kitchen might have looked like.]]
 
[[Image: Mapimage.gif|thumb|right|260px|What a copy of Copernicus’s shopping list on a map of Hell’s Kitchen might have looked like.]]
  +
Maps soon evolved from the primitive scribblings of holy men to elaborate illuminated scrolls, sometimes packaged as "[[atlas]]es." In the 20th Century, people began to use mapping for things other than proving that other things were flat. The insides of computers, robots, and bomb-making materials all had to be carefully mapped, as it is vital in each endeavor not to get the red and green wires mixed up. Coincidentally, [[Copernicus]] first postulated that the world was non-flat while jotting down his shopping list on a map of [[Hell's Kitchen]].
   
==The First Maps==
+
[[Image:Hyrulemap.jpg|thumb|left|Maps are also used to find the location of [[Somalia]] so people can avoid it more easily.]]
[[Image:43mapa.jpg|thumb|left|200px|This is an early [[Hyrule|Hylian]] depiction of the world, it is largely inaccurate as you can see, everyone knows that [[Norway]] isn't that big in real life!]]
 
The first map ever produced dates back to the Shang Dynasty (1600 BCE), from the text of the ''[[I Ching]].'' '''[[Confucius]],''' trying desperately to make his students understand the idea of [[change]], [[divination]], the movement of the body, and the concept of the [[hot dog]], simply gave up after six hours, and sent his favorite whipping-boy '''Lian Shan''' to the nearest enemy village to be killed for disrupting class. Directions to the enemy village would not be enough for this doorknob, however, so Confucius scribbled out a crude map. History was made that day, when Lian did not return.
 
 
Maps soon evolved from the primitive scribblings of holy men to elaborate illuminated scrolls, sometimes packaged as "[[atlas]]es." In the 20th Century, people began to use mapping for things other than proving that other things were flat. The insides of computers, robots, and bomb-making materials all had to be carefully mapped. [''You didn't want the red wire and the green wire to get mixed up, believe me.'' - ed.] Coincidentally, [[Copernicus]] first postulated that the world was non-flat while jotting down his shopping list on a map of [[Hell's Kitchen]].
 
 
[[Image: Afghanistan_map.png|thumb|right|300px|Look at all this vast land; he could have been anywhere.]]
 
 
==Other uses for maps==
 
* [[New York City|NYC]] [[Tourist]] Identification
 
* [[Umbrella]]
 
* Place to Write Last Words in a Combat Zone
 
* [[Al-Qaeda]] To-Do List
 
* Sleep-Aid in Corporate Meetings
 
* Excuse for Not Finding [[Osama Bin Laden]]
 
* Misdirection
 
*Giving [[mathematicians]] something to think about so they'll [[buzz off]].
 
* Torture (through the inability to read the tiny illegible fonts when older maps are digitized)
 
 
==Nicknames for maps==
 
[[Image:Hyrulemap.jpg|thumb|left|Maps are also used to find the location of [[Somalia]] so people can avoid it easier.]]
 
* [[Hitler]]'s Wallpaper (Germany)
 
* Armed Forces Standard Retreat Guide ([[France]])
 
* Escape Booklet ([[Australia]] & [[Arkansas]])
 
   
==See Also==
+
==See also==
 
* [[Bad Directions]]
 
* [[Bad Directions]]
 
* [[Post-cartography]]
 
* [[Post-cartography]]
Line 41: Line 28:
 
* [[Nike Revolution of 2006]]
 
* [[Nike Revolution of 2006]]
 
* [[Spam (un-delicious for your computer)|mapS]]
 
* [[Spam (un-delicious for your computer)|mapS]]
 
==Footnotes==
 
<references/>
 
   
 
[[Category:Travel]]
 
[[Category:Travel]]
 
[[Category:Maps]]
 
[[Category:Maps]]
[[Category:Stuff you probably should eat]]
 

Latest revision as of 11:42, July 17, 2013

369px-Treasure.Island.map

Typical map marking the position of the all valuable X.

A map is a two-dimensional representation of part of the earth's surface. The earth's surface, of course, is not two-dimensional, which means that maps are a blatant fraud. This form of deceiving the reader was outlawed by the Catholic Church at the end 17th Century, in favor of more refined scams such as purchased absolutions.

edit The History of Maps

Youarenothere

Wherever you are, you can always be sure that you're lost.

Maps have been employed throughout the ages to illustrate, identify, obfuscate, the exact position of the letter 'X'. X is, of course, the most valuable of mathematical variables, followed by 'Y', and 'Z'. However, almost no one in the Middle Ages cared about the Y of things, and still fewer about the Z. This is because X marks the spot where everything is, and sometimes where something you wanted really badly was, too.

In the age of hunter-gatherers, before there was anything worthwhile in existence, maps showed people how to get from one place to another without being killed along the way. Consequently, maps are greatly missed in places like Baghdad, Antarctica, and Texas. Now, maps are generally ignored by most, and are even ridiculed on road trips as being "for wussies," assuming the driver is male. Meanwhile, children have shown some aptitude at map reading, but they seem unable to refold them correctly.

Sometimes on television, a token blonde bimbo will explain a weather pattern using a map festooned with iconic "smiley" sun-faces, sad cloud-faces, and apathetic Henry Kissinger faces. At shopping malls, maps are often displayed in order to point out the nearest haberdashery where velveteen rabbits can be purchased.

In 1799, the American Map Treasury burned down due to arson, and, as a consequence, most U.S. Americans today do not have access to maps. Efforts have been made to recreate the missing maps but they have all, as yet, failed. The UN is now working on allying U.S. America with the Iraq and other Asian countries in order to optimize education for us and our children.

edit The First Maps

43mapa

This early Hylian depiction of the world is wildly inaccurate, as Norway is nowhere near that big.

The first map ever produced dates back to the Shang Dynasty (1600 BCE), from the text of the I Ching. Confucius, trying desperately to make his students understand the idea of change, divination, the movement of the body, and the concept of the hot dog, simply gave up after six hours, and sent his favorite whipping-boy Lian Shan to the nearest enemy village to be killed for disrupting class. Directions to the enemy village would not be enough for this doorknob, however, so Confucius scribbled out a crude map. History was made that day, when Lian did not return.

Mapimage

What a copy of Copernicus’s shopping list on a map of Hell’s Kitchen might have looked like.

Maps soon evolved from the primitive scribblings of holy men to elaborate illuminated scrolls, sometimes packaged as "atlases." In the 20th Century, people began to use mapping for things other than proving that other things were flat. The insides of computers, robots, and bomb-making materials all had to be carefully mapped, as it is vital in each endeavor not to get the red and green wires mixed up. Coincidentally, Copernicus first postulated that the world was non-flat while jotting down his shopping list on a map of Hell's Kitchen.

Hyrulemap

Maps are also used to find the location of Somalia so people can avoid it more easily.

edit See also

Personal tools
projects