Typical "map"

Typical map marking the position of the all valuable X.

A map is a two-dimensional representation of part of the earth's surface. The earth's surface, of course, is not two-dimensional, which means that maps are a blatant fraud. This form of deceiving the reader was outlawed by the Catholic Church at the end 17th Century, in favor of more refined scams such as purchased absolutions.

The History of MapsEdit


Wherever you are, you can always be sure that you're lost.

Maps have been employed throughout the ages to illustrate, identify, obfuscate, the exact position of the letter 'X'. X is, of course, the most valuable of mathematical variables, followed by 'Y', and 'Z'. However, almost no one in the Middle Ages cared about the Y of things, and still fewer about the Z. This is because X marks the spot where everything is, and sometimes where something you wanted really badly was, too.

In the age of hunter-gatherers, before there was anything worthwhile in existence, maps showed people how to get from one place to another without being killed along the way. Consequently, maps are greatly missed in places like Baghdad, Antarctica, and Texas. Now, maps are generally ignored by most, and are even ridiculed on road trips as being "for wussies," assuming the driver is male. Meanwhile, children have shown some aptitude at map reading, but they seem unable to refold them correctly.

Sometimes on television, a token blonde bimbo will explain a weather pattern using a map festooned with iconic "smiley" sun-faces, sad cloud-faces, and apathetic Henry Kissinger faces. At shopping malls, maps are often displayed in order to point out the nearest haberdashery where velveteen rabbits can be purchased.

In 1799, the American Map Treasury burned down due to arson, and, as a consequence, most U.S. Americans today do not have access to maps. Efforts have been made to recreate the missing maps but they have all, as yet, failed. The UN is now working on allying U.S. America with the Iraq and other Asian countries in order to optimize education for us and our children.

The First MapsEdit


This early Hylian depiction of the world is wildly inaccurate, as Norway is nowhere near that big.

The first map ever produced dates back to the Shang Dynasty (1600 BCE), from the text of the I Ching. Confucius, trying desperately to make his students understand the idea of change, divination, the movement of the body, and the concept of the hot dog, simply gave up after six hours, and sent his favorite whipping-boy Lian Shan to the nearest enemy village to be killed for disrupting class. Directions to the enemy village would not be enough for this doorknob, however, so Confucius scribbled out a crude map. History was made that day, when Lian did not return.


What a copy of Copernicus’s shopping list on a map of Hell’s Kitchen might have looked like.

Maps soon evolved from the primitive scribblings of holy men to elaborate illuminated scrolls, sometimes packaged as "atlases." In the 20th Century, people began to use mapping for things other than proving that other things were flat. The insides of computers, robots, and bomb-making materials all had to be carefully mapped, as it is vital in each endeavor not to get the red and green wires mixed up. Coincidentally, Copernicus first postulated that the world was non-flat while jotting down his shopping list on a map of Hell's Kitchen.


Maps are also used to find the location of Somalia so people can avoid it more easily.

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