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Provisional Government of Keepin' it Riel
|Motto: "Naiiiiii, get off my land before I call the RCMP, fuck!"|
|Anthem: "One Great City (I Hate Winnipeg)"|
|Largest city||Flin Flon|
|Official language(s)||Canuck, Franglais|
|Riel||Louis Riel, Burton Cummings, Vic Toews - The Three Moustachteers|
|National Hero(es)||Mike Hunt, Louis Riel, Burton Cummings and that guy on the Simpsons that said "That's it, Back to Winnipeg!"|
Manisnowba is a province in the middle of fucking nowhere.
Manisnowba holds a national record for the highest percentage of swoopy haired MySpace users and has been the recipient of the acclaimed 7-11 Slurpee Capital of the World Award for twelve years running. Popular tourist attractions include the beautiful morning sound of gunshots, homeless native people and horse porn shows.
In 2001, Manitoba was voted the most likely to implode on itself by the Canadian public.
- Provincial Flag: A photoshopped version of the Ontario flag, but with a bison instead of a maple leaf
- Provincial Capital: Winterpeg - The coldest city center in North America
- Provincial Anthem: Portage & Main: Family Friendly!
- Currency: Gopher tails, Beer empties, Canadian Tire Money, mosquito poison, and the highly valued slurpee coupons
- Time Zone: CST
- Provincial Slogan: Boring Energy/Energie Alésage
- El Presidente: Louis Riel and Burton Cummings' moustaches
- Provincial Holidays: January 15: Coldest Day of the Year, July 1: Louis Riel Day, August 1: Mosquito Appreciation Day
- Official Provincial Bird: The Mosquito
- Founded: 0 (by Jesus to show what hell is like)
- Santa Claus lives 2 igloo's away from mine.
- HOME OF THE GREATEST HOCKEY TEAM EVER!!!!!!!
Most popular tourist attractions
- Life-threatening tours of polar bear habitats.
- Life-threatening meander through the medians on Broadway Ave. to look at poorly decorated artificial polar bears.
- A semi-magical haze that reeks of gasoline, cigarettes and weed. The locals refer to it as "Spirit Energy".
- Boring people who mooch off you ,eh?
Famous local celebrity facts
- Burton Cummings has been the king of Winni the pooh peg for 35 years
- Louis Riel is a former Prime Minister of Manitoba
- Winnie the Pooh is named after the Manitoban city of Tiggerville
- Jonathan Toews is the only Manitoban with a job
- The Manitoskatchowan Dominial Parliment deemed the size of the new Province of Manitoba shall not be more than a "Stones throw" from Flin Flon. This rule has been substantiated with the assumption that the Giant Andy Gibb Statue of Flin Flon's founder, Josiah, would become animorphic and throw one of the many large rocks of that-there town (there).
Manitoba's main exports are:
- Soviet influences
- people who move to Alberta
- musicians who move far far away, and those who whine until things are named after them, I'm looking at you Burton Cumming's!
- Crown Royal
- mosquitos - the only known bird that is still found in the province
- Louis Riel & Burton Cummings look-alikes
- Beer empties
- coldest weather on earth
- Stupid poor people
- polar bear clothing
- Paul Thompson should be so we'd never have to see him again
- talented people
- NDP members
- aboriginal business
- maple syrup
Manitoba's main imports are:
- The CBC
- Hockey Team's Moving out of Atlanta, Georgia
- Hinterland's Who's Who? commercials
- People from Saskatchewan
- Pickup trucks
- Welfare cheques and transfer payments
- The Man from Glad
- Neil Young's sideburns
- Senor Cardgage has been said to have lived in Manitoba at one time
- Alice Cooper's snake is rumoured to have a cousin in Narcisse
- Burton Cummings and his moustache
- That famous magician who died a few years back who was a crazy nut job who started some political party
- That hockey player with no teeth
- The creepy guy with the guitar who would be on TV before Mr Dressup
- Bears in Coke commercials
- That old guy who's on Law and Order
- The guy who used to do the Hinterland's Who's Who
- The whole cast of My Big Fat Greek Wedding
- That dude who did that thing on that TV show that never got aired
- That Guy that bought the Thrashers
- Dustin Byfuglien's gut
In 2004, the province of Manitoba was sued by psychedelicelectronikrautrock artist Dan "Manitoba" Snaith, who believed that people would become confused between the two. Many observers felt this was really quite stupid considering he was a human being and the province of Manitoba was a large province of Canada. Nevertheless, fuelled by the milk of human kindness, Snaith carried on regardless. His attorney, superhero Johnnie "Tom" Cochrane, used jedi mind tricks to convince a judge that it was possible someone low down the food chain might become confused between a psychedelicelectronikrautrock artist and a large Canadian province. Therefore, the province of Manitoba was forced to rename itself. After much deliberation, it renamed itself "Caribou".
Many observers feel this name change was forced through by the large numbers of caribou in the Manitoba government, who had been drafted in many years before when it was discovered there were not enough people in Manitoba to fill all the necessary governmental positions.
However, the saga was not over (all thanks to the natives): a group of caribou soon decided to sue the state of Caribou (formerly Manitoba), believing that people would become confused between the two. Many observers felt this was really quite stupid considering the group of caribou were a group of caribou and the province of Caribou was a large province of Canada. Nevertheless, fuelled by cocaine, the caribou carried on regardless. Their attorney, superhero Johnnie Cochran, used jedi mind tricks to convince a judge that it was possible someone low down the food chain might become confused between a group of caribou and a large Canadian province. Therefore, the province of Caribou was forced to rename itself. After much deliberation, it renamed itself "Metallica". Metallica now hosts the regions largest "Momen's Music Festival". Caribou (formerly Manitoba) won a three trillion dollar award by Polaris Snowmobiles, and with this money, Caribou is planning counter sue Dan "Manitoba" Snaith in the near future.
Manitoba has a new slogan, replacing the old slogan "Disturbingly Manitoba" to "We do have a lot of Natives eh?"
Canadian Guide to Immigration
What to do if an American has somehow immigrated into your small Manitoban town.
Make fun of him for being an American Throw clay skeets at him Hit him with large heavy plastic bats Remind him that he is an American, every minute of every day Tell him to go work in field Tell him that his religion is wrong Give him AIDS, and/or Herpes, while his sleeping Put a rat down his pants while he's drunk Ask him/her: "Did you lose a bet?" or, "I heard that the criminal justice system is tough in the states, but is'nt moving here considered 'cruel and unusual punishment'?" Remind him/her of our Provincial Motto is only valid before Lundar, Manitoba: Then you have pay in cash. Take him/her on our Province's favorite amusement ride: The revolving doors at the Provincial Courts Building. Get him to sign our petition for our new Provincial Motto: "We bend to where the Country blows." (Take it any way you can think it.) Take them to the 'Hall of Survivors' honoring Manitobians such as Burton Cummings. Canada Ambassador to the US, Gary Doer, and former mayor of Winnipeg, Glen Murrary, MP. They survived by leaving this sinking ship of a province. In Winnipeg; Take him/her on a tour of the St. Regis Hotel. Affectionally referred to up north by most First Nations communities as 'The Indian Embassy'. As part of the rite of initiation of becoming a Winnipegger; he/she must dodge the endless obstacles of panhandlers and squeegie kids in the downtown core and then, walk through the city's North End at night. Take them to the spot where we tried to sacrifice the Queen of England to our River God. Introduce our new found hostage...err, citizen to Winnipeg's #1 sport: 'Pot-Hole Dodging'! Take him/her to Winnipeg's Favorite Charity event; a Winnipeg Blue Bomber game. If our new citizen is single, introduce him to the lovely ladies of Higgins Avenue. Manitoba, being a the wonderful, multicultural mosaic that it is. We should introduce our new citizens in colorful, richness of our diverse languages by asking him/her to identify the language of profanity that is being spoken when it comes time to pay our property taxes. Take him to the church where we canonized Burton Cummings' moustache. Show them the memorial dedicated to those citizens that died needlessly of hypothermia in bus shelters during winter while waiting for Winnipeg Transit to run on time. Take them on walk through the 'Halls of Power': The MTS Building and Manitoba Hydro. (The Manitoba Legislative Building? What are you kidding?) Introduce them to our weekly city betting pool; "Guess how many citizens will be murdered this week?" Show him the sight of the future sight of Canada's symbol of intellectual ambiguity, self indulgent narcissim and probably the largest oxymoron in Canada; The Canadian Museum for Human Rights.