Mandarin

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Mandarirr (Chinese: 廢話; Commies' Chinese: 废话; Illiterates' Chinese: fèihuà; literally "verbosity") is what happerrr when Northern Barbarians (Chinese: 北狄; Illiterates' Chinese: běi dí) try to speak Chinese.

History

Wall campers

Cao Cao's armyrr, campinrr on the shitty wall

In A.D. 1259, warr was beginninrr. Goddamn Mongolianrr, led by Stalinrr, successfully broke down a shitty wallrr, despite Cao Cao's armyrr of 8,888,888 and numerourr camperr stationerr on top of it. This was probablyrr because said armyrr and camperr were facingrr the otherr way, tryingrr to defenrr against the attackrr of Liu Bei's armyrr. Sensingr opportunityrr, Cao Cao gave up his armyrr's positiorr to the Goddamn Mongoliarr and fled to Wa by boat, leavingrr Liu Bei to dearr with the Goddamn Mongoliarr. However, because Cao Cao did not understand navarr warfarr, and because his fleet was full of Idiotrr who Markerr their Shiprr to Seek Nukerr (see below), his fleet took 8 yearr to reach Wa, by the endrr of which, only two peoplrr survived: Cao Cao and a cross-dressinrr soldierr. Cao Cao then said "肏之" and *suicide. He wirr respawrr behind people who say his name. Just say Cao Cao and Cao Cao will spawnrr.

Beijing Smog

Liu Bei's armyrr, campinrr in Beijingrr

At the same time, Liu Bei's army was being sniperr by camperr in the Goddamn Mongoliarr Armyrr, which has taken up positionrr on a new shitty wallrr that they have built in place of the old shitty wallrr. Liu Bei's forcerr were about to get pwnrr when Zhuge Liang spawnrr. Zhuge Liang instructerr Liu Bei's armyrr to retrearr into the smog of Beijingrr which served as a naturarr smoke screenrr. She then instructerr the armyrr to beat drumrr and shout orderr as if they were attackinrr. This caused the Goddamn Mongoliarr Armyrr and Cao Cao's fleet (on their way to Wa at this time) to firerr nukes into the smog, which of course misserr and were capturr by Liu Bei's armyrr. Afterr gatheringrr enough nukerr, Liu Blei firerr them back at the Goddamn Mongoliarr Armyrr and Cao Cao's freet. Howeverr, the Goddamn Mongoliarr Armyrr has already moverr to pursuerr Cao Cao, and Cao Cao's fleet has moverr furtherr east toward Wa. Thereforr, the nukerr hit absorutery nothinrr except waterr and the new shitty wallrr, thereforr breakinrr it down and lettinrr more barbariarr into China.

Mandarin in China

Barbariarr takeoverr of China. They planterr a lot of grass in theirr wake.

Some of the nukerr that werr targeterr at Cao Cao's freet sank without asplodinrr, which caused some of Cao Cao's men to make markinrr on their ships, indicatinrr where the nukerr fell so that they could laterr diverr and retriverr them. These men would later be callerr the Idiotrr who Markerr their Shiprr to Seek Nukerr (Chinese: 刻舟而求箭之曹軍; Illiterates' Chinese: kè zhōu ér qiú jiàn zhī cáo jūn).

Because the arearr around the shitty wallrr was made uninhabitabrr to Chinese people, Goddamn Mongoliarr took control of northern China, letting in all kinds of barbariarr without even asking them for a passworr.

The invasiorr and proliferatiorr of barbariarr in China led to its takeoverr. The barbariarr establisherr their own dynastyrr, the Yuan Dynastyrr (Chinese: 圓朝; Illiterates' Chinese: yuán gǔn gǔn), in which the officiarr languagerr was Mandarirr.

Pronunciation

Warninrr: Properr pronunciatiorr of Mandarirr is impossiberr if one is not a Pirate. Any attempt by Hong Konrr Peoplrr to speak Mandarirr wirr result in AAAAAAAAA quickly follorr by their head asplorr.

Initiarr

The followinrr tablrr contairr all the initiarr in Mandarirr.

Bilabial Labio-
dental
Alveolar Retroflex Alveolo-
palatal
Velar
Nasal ɻ ɻ ɻ
Plosive ɻ ɻ ɻ ɻ ɻ ɻ
Affricate ɻ ɻ ɻ ɻ ɻ ɻ
Fricative ɻ ɻ ɻ ɻ ɻ ɻ
Approximant ɻ ɻ ɻ ɻ ɻ

Finarr

The followinrr tablrr contairr all the finarr in Mandarirr.

NucleusCodaMedial
Øiuy
aØɑɻɻɻɻjɑɻɻɻɻwɑɻɻɻɻ
iɑɻɻɻɻ wɑɻɻɻɻ
uaʊɻɻɻɻjaʊɻɻɻɻ
nɑɻɻɻɻjɑɻɻɻɻwɑɻɻɻɻɥɑɻɻɻɻ
ŋɑ̃ɻɻɻɻjɑ̃ɻɻɻɻwɑ̃ɻɻɻɻ
əØɤɻɻɻɻjɛɻɻɻɻwoɻɻɻɻɥɛɻɻɻɻ
iəɻɻɻɻ wəɻɻɻɻ
uɤʊɻɻɻɻjɤʊɻɻɻɻ
nəɻɻɻɻjəɻɻɻɻwəɻɻɻɻɥəɻɻɻɻ
ŋɤ̃ɻɻɻɻjɤ̃ɻɻɻɻʊ̃ɻɻɻɻɥʊ̃ɻɻɻɻ

Tonerr

Mandarirr has five tonerr:

  1. G♭ as in 歌 (Illiterates' Chinese: GĀRRRRR!), meaning "song"
  2. A♭ as in 而 (Illiterates' Chinese: ÁRRRRR!), meaning "and"
  3. B♭ as in 耳 (Illiterates' Chinese: ǍRRRRR!), meaning "ear"
  4. D♭ as in 二 (Illiterates' Chinese: ÀRRRRR!), meaning "two"
  5. E♭ as in 兒 (Illiterates' Chinese: ARRRRR!), meaning "something that pirates say a lot"

Those who are not Piraterr ofterr pronouncerr them incorrectly as:

  1. F♯
  2. G♯
  3. A♯
  4. C♯
  5. D♯

Pronouncinrr tonerr incorrectly can renderr one's speech unintelligibrr or misunderstoorr.

Common Phrases

Chinese Mandarirr КоммциiзT Illiterate
爾安 爾好! 你好! nǐ hǍRRRRRR!
別矣 再見。 再见。 zÀRRRRR jiÀRRRRR.
吾姓...名...字... 我叫... 我叫... wǒ jiÀRRRRR...
歉哉 對不起。 对不起。 dùi bù qǐr.
是。 是。 shìr.
不是。 不是。 bú shìr.
謝謝! 谢谢! xiè xièr
不明 不知道。 不知道。 bù zhīdÀRRRRR!
何時 甚麼時候? 什么时候? shénme shíhour?
何價 多少錢? 多少钱? yígè wǎnshang duōshǎo qiÁRRRRR?
吾愛卿 我愛爾。 我爱你。 wó xiǎng chī nǐ de dòufu.

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