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Etihad Airways (also known as مانشستر سيتي, Manchester citeh and occasionally referred to as Manchester City) is the name of an offshore oil rig in the Red Sea, which is also vaguely known for its relation to premier league football. It is famous for three things: It is widely accepted as being the worst football team in the world, it is far richer than can possibly be good for anyone, and they wear nice blue uniforms.
Manchester City was formed at a church, by over friendly priests, and quickly rose, due to the presence of men in short shorts. From that point up until 1968 and the installation of CCTV, they won everything every season, in the nothern icelandic conference. In 1968, however, in the glory days of players such as Colin Bell End, Sir Alex "Wrigley's Extra" Ferguson, who has always managed Manchester Red Sox Ltd. ever since the dawn of time, decided it would be a good idea to influence referees by giving them chewing gum in exchange for sending everyone on the opposing team off every time one of his players fell over. this is why, despite being the best team in the world, Manchester City didn't win the league for 44 years since then. In the years leading up to their takeover by stupidly rich Arabs, Manchester City were a good, honest football club with traditional values that either got promoted or relegated every season in order to be more exciting and so get more fans. They soon realised that this didn't work, and that the best way to get more fans was to win things and get glory supporters, and the easiest way to do this was to be phenomenally rich, so they got taken over by Arabs and immediately began to win things again, like the 2011-12 Premier League.
Owned by rich screbbers in their 50's. This club is destined for the Blue Square Premier and it won't be long before they're scraping the bottom of that barrel. Should never have gotten rid of Shaun Bollock.
Manchester City continued their successful Champions League history in 2012 after winning 0 times in 6 matches.
Despite their success in the Champions League, City could not win their FA Cup Final clash with Blue Square North champions Wiggum Athletic, losing 1-0 when goalkeeper Joe Hart threw the ball in his own net to kill a spider that was intimidating him, this led to Man City's manager at the time, Roberta Mancity to be sacked. Joe Hart was then booed off the pitch and then retired at the end of the season, Wiggum were promoted to the Football Championship from the Conference North and stole Manchester City's spot in the Europa League. Luckily for Manchester City fans, club owner Achmed bought a spot within the competition for £5 Trllion despite the Manchester based club coming 99th in the Barclays Credit Card League, inbetween Arse-nill and some Welsh team who are so shit they can't even play in their own countries league.
Manchester City fans have few or no teeth from chewing on bitterness for the last one hundred years. Manchester City fans can often be seen on ITV's 'The Jeremy Kyle Show'. There was a time when City fans supported Chelsea but due to their glory-hunting egos they opted to support City. It is unknown where these creatures came from, one thing we do know is City fans which come from the same family inter-breed.
edit Notable Players (Past and Present)
Manchester City has had several notable players in its history, most of whom still play for them. Here is a list of them:
edit Colin Bell End
Colin Bell End played for Manchester City in their glory days. He has a stand named after him in their stadium called the Colin Bell End.
Trout-Man was just an ordinary goalkeeper from Germany. He broke his neck diving at the feet of a radioactive Birmingham City player in the 1956 FA Cup Final, giving him all the powers of a Super trout. By day he was just an ordinary goalkeeper but every night he put on his trout suit and becomes TROUT-MAN. Trout-Man used his powers to fight crime and to defend the innocent citizens of Manchester from his arch-nemesis Dr. Mackerel. He has since died and no one was able to replace him as the local super hero.
edit Vinjury Kompany
Often considered to be the worst defender in the Premier League, Kompany is a shadow of his former self. He was even thought to have been the top own-goal scorer of the 2010-11 season with 15. However, the FA revoked all of the goals at the end of the season, retroactively ruling them all offside. He now spends his days cowering behind the other defenders in the City backline, regularly getting nutmegged by the likes of Frazier Campbell and Alan Hutton.
edit Yaya Toure
Yaya Toure is the one-man army at Manchester City, a team that would have been nowhere without the goals and assists he provides. He tackles, he assists, he scores. The only skill he doesn't possess is the ability to fly around and be a crime vigilante. He is also renowned for being an attention seeker and if he doesn't get what he wants (for example a pink birthday cake) he often threatens to steal the wealthy Arab's money. He arrived from FC Barcelona, a club known for cloning players to represent one player in their first team.
edit David Silva
David Silva is the second best football player in the world. He scores on average 43,984,729,847,924,792,879,417,931 gazillion goals per match and is so good that he can play on his own and still be the best team in the world by a long way. The best player in the world is Jamie Ecclescake, who plays for KFC Spartak Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, who recently won promotion to the Anglesey Superliga, the twelfth tier of the Anglesey Junior football league.
edit Mario Balotelli
Born on the 43rd of February 1911 in Naples, Italy; named after his parent's idol: Super Mario. Balotelli as a teen fought in the World War 2-Dance Off, which was widely criticized as a waste of time, but quite clearly was a great day out for the whole family. Balotelli shined here beating all 10 of his opponents with his signature mood; the horny nurse-camel. He learnt his trade as a footballer from his dearest British friend Danny Kingsley; who taught him all about how to a be a top class diving, fighting, abusive killing machine. He now roams the streets of Mans-chest-err with his 10 inch turbid swinging alow singing Christmas songs until the merry dawn, as he set his house on fire with a fireworks display after declaring a new year as per the Balo-Balo calendar. So if you see him don't hesitate to stop and say, "Forza Mario" and tickle his monsterous below.
edit Sergio 'Kunt' Aguero
Born in a small derelict shelter in a stinking and dusty shantytown in deep Argentina, his parents always knew that he would grow up to single handedly carry 10 other people on his shoulders to glory. His parents told him that by doing this he could cause great strain on his oompa-loompa-like figure and lead to damage. This made him run away to Manchester where the NHS wouldn't bother him about it as they are all usually sleeping. So he joined Manchester Citeh where he scored lots of goals, got lots of money and got lots of injuries.
Manchester City play at the Emptyhad Stadium. It is the biggest football stadium in the world. Manchester City used to play at Maine Road, until it got stolen, like everything else in Moss Side.
The record attendance at the Emptyhad is 9, recorded on 7th August, 2011 in a friendly match against non-league team Maidstone United. City lost the game 7-0, with Vincent Kompany scoring five own goals.
edit Club traditions
Manchester City has a wide range of traditions, including the following:
- The Poznan
The Poznan is a way Manchester City's fans attempt to display their identity as City fans. It doesn't work, because they ripped it off Lech Poznan and it means they don't actually get to see any football because they have their backs to the pitch.
- The national anthem
Since their takeover by Arabs, Manchester City's fans have sung the national anthem of the United Arab Emirates before every match whilst an enormous picture of Sheik Mansour is lowered into the stadium from a helicopter.
- The "Empty Seat" celebration
A notorious Manchester City tradition is the "Empty Seat" celebration, where fans dress up as blue seats, mimicking an empty stadium. In their most recent game, a 3-0 victory over Stoke City, over 3 million fans were dressed in their blue-seat costumes, beating Arsenal F.C's record of 2.9 million empty red-seat costumes worn during a match. The celebration is often accompanied with absolute silence.