Manchester United Football Club

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P1 rooney 0711

"I didn't bite his balls, Rooney did"

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Manchester United FC.
“United had many players like Giggs, Beckham, Scholes and Oly Gunner Graham and....Sorry what was the question again?”
~ Dennis Law

Manchester United Football Club is a large merchandising company and football club based in Manchester, England. The origins of the team are unknown, but it is believed to have been founded when Sir. the executive officers decided that they would make a great deal more money by selling heaps of merchandise off the back of a moderately successful sporting team.

The Team

The sale of merchandise is predicated upon the success of the sales team, often abbreviated simply to "Team". In order to drive up demand for team shirts, fluffy dice, novelty bottle openers and hot water bottle covers, the team must win matches. Many spectators have observed that, recently, this message needs to be filtered more effectively through to the sales team. At present the team spend an awful lot of time either passing the ball back and forth to each other and kicking it great distances in the hope that it might just fall into the goal.

First team

1. Edwin Van Duh Bar

Dutch Goalkeeper; seems unaware that his responsibility is to ensure that the ball stays out of the net rather than within it.


Neville graciously receiving the Nobel Prize for Ugliest Mancunian Award.

2. Gary Neville

Mankind is at a loss to answer many questions in life

  • Why is the something instead of nothing?
  • Is there a God?
  • Are we alone in the galaxy?
  • How did life first arise?
  • How did Gary Neville get into a side which competes for the title?
3. Patrice du Evra

Kicks the ball, sometimes in the correct direction.

4. Michael Hardgrave
5. Rio de je Ferdihand

He may be one of the best defenders in the league, but in his spare time, he is a drug dealer and has to have advance warning of drugs tests so he can "forget" to go.

6. Wes Orange

The lad loves the Manure fans, he loves the tight Asian pussy due to the fact none of the clubs fans come from Manchester, they come from countries such as China, America and Japan. He also likes a bit of cock.

7. Michael Owen

OWW MY BLOODY CALF MUSCLE!!! A Bit slow in the mind, helps Rooney to read and to the toilet. The only Liverpool player to actually be liked by the Man U fans.

8. Gillian Anderson

Ferguson thinks having a Brazilian will lead the team to glory (i'm not talking about the player).

9. Dimitar Barby(off)

The first and only manchester united player to be cloned. In early 2009, the recipe for creating a "Dimitar Barby(off)" was leaked. It goes as follows :

1. Get a heavy stone
2. Put a hairband on the stone
3. Place the stone in an offside position


Wayne Rooney after Van Der Sar is taken off

10. Wayne 'Shrek' Rooney

Likes Harry Potter, but since he's an idiot, he must be talking about the movies and not the books since he can't read. He doesn't even know which number is which, so when he gets subbed, a large bird call is put out over the speakers for him to leave. He likes hookers, but ones near death. Yes, a granny lover. Married to a drag queen.

11. Ryan Giggs

A shaved Wookie (in part), was a reject at Man City. Loves Wales so much he played for England schoolboys.

12. Ben FosterHome

A world class keeper but Ferguson lets him rot while a pensioner plays instead of him.

13. Park Ji Sung

Is really just the guy Rooney gets his takeaway from, Ferguson just plays him so Rooney can keep up to date on the menu. He plays in the #13. Which is to remind Rooney of what his order is, "Everything on the menu except salad"

4. Zoran Tosic

Former FK Partizan player (no hope there then), no United fans had ever heard of him before. But because he singed for United, he is, by default, amazing and the next big thing

15. Amanda Vidic

His nose bends to the right just like his cock.

16. Micheal Carrick

Micheal Carrick left London because he had a rough night in bed with Ashley Cole. Carrick felt that if he wanted to run again and continue his footballing lifestyle it was in his best interests to leave London. Carrick opted for the soft anal fuck of John O'Shea and Wes Brown instead of the rampant Ashley Cole.

17. Luis Nani

better than that unknown bloke liverpool have on the left one knows who any of their players are, probably stolen off the black market.

18. Paul Scholes

More famous for his small chalk white penis and fire pubes than his football. Got bullied in school for being ginger. Didn't have sex until Man U paid him enough to get a hooker (a teenage one, unlike the ones Rooney likes).

19. Rafeal Da Silva

According to United fans, he is the second coming of Christ (strange, as I don't think Jesus would want to play for the "Red DEVILS"). He seems to have come through the Man Utd youth system, despite being from Brazil, nice to see them using great UK youth talent, then again, who have they produced since the Beckham generation?

20. Dum-run Fletcher

Makes the Scotland team look better

21. Louise Antonio Villareal

Iceland's only black man.. bought for marketing purposes in the far, far north

22. Javier Hernández

A vegetable that led the team to the finals of the Champions League in 2011

Players that either buggered off or retired

1. Christiano Ronaldo

The attacking wanker has left Manchester United for Real Madrid after the smallest transfer in history for 10 pounds. He cited "Ferguson shitting in his car while they were having sex" as the main reason for leaving.

2. David Beckham

Left after Ferguson kicked a boot at his face proceeding Beckham to scream "MY FACE MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!!" went to Real Madrid the graveyard of former Man U players.

3. Carlos Tevez

He won the "Ugliest Man of The Year Award" 2004-2008 (current holder). Said he wants to stay in Manchester (strange since Untied isn't in Manchester) so will be lucky for him when Man City buy him at the end of the season since United can't afford him. Debt is a very bad thing, never mind £800m+ of debt.

Famous 'Managers'

  • Alex Ferguson Famously known as the "ole whiskey nose, Recently won the Chamions league after beating Spartak. Ferguson then famously ran onto the pitch and did the rolex sweep".
  • Big Racist Atkinson - "He is NOT a racist. He was actually saying something nice about a Nigger that time."
  • Sir Matt Busby -
The FA Premier League
Glory Hunters Manchester Red Sox Ltd. FA Premier League
In the Hunt, if that mattered Arsenal
Also Ran Aston Villa | Tottenham Hotspur | West Ham | Fulham F.C. | Greys Athletic F.C. | Bolton Wanderers | Everton | Sunderland AFC | Pompeii F.C.
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