Manchester Red Sox Ltd.
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“United had many players like Giggs, Beckham, Scholes and Oly Gunner Graham and....Sorry what was the question again?”
~ Dennis Law
“ The Greatest thing i acheieved at the club, was hitting the Bar”
~ George Best
“ Sod this, i'm off to Celtic”
“ Send him off Ref!”
~ Ronaldo on Rooney
“ I hate Glory Seekers”
~ Sir Alex on Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.
“ Bre govori srpski da te ceo Mančester razume”
~ Nemanja Vidic after arrival of Tosic and Ljajic
“In Soviet Russia, Manchester Red Sox Ltd. SUX!”
~ Russian Reversal on Manchester Red Sox Ltd.
Manchester United States is large merchandising company which produces a wide variety of products including a range of cuddly toys in the shape of devils, scarfs, and hats. The origins of the company are unknown, but it is believed to have been founded when Sir. Malcom Glazer of Kent decided to start making merchandise off the back of a moderately successful sporting team. Today, almost 400 years later, the Manchester United range of towels and soft toys have become household names from Egypt to Kenya.
The company is funded mainly by business executives, commercial whores and Asians. Based in Old Trafford (near a salt mine), they also have a moderately successful amateur football team.
Although the company suffered horribly during the holocaust when Hitler killed many of their staff in a plane crash their products continue to be the most profitable exported from Manchester closely followed by Boddingtons beer.
Fans are asked to keep quiet during games so as not to disturb the chef who must produce vast quantities of prawn sandwiches. Most Red Sox fans stick to the rule and only make a noise when they are running low on prawns.
The Team (Better than any other in England)
Due to the newly introduced salary cap of 29 billion rupees a fortnight, the proposed signings of Left Winger Mike Dean, Goalkeeper Anders Frisk and the Russian 1966 world cup winning captain Tofik Bakhramov will be delayed until the re-opening of the Transfer Window (sponsored by Safestyle UK) next April.
Manager Sir Alice Ferguson faces a tough task in choosing a 23 man squad for the defence of their Lancashire Echo Shield which they won in a thrilling 1-0 penalty shoot-out win over the local lollipop men at Macclesfield Town's Moss Rose Ground, a game which was played out in front of literally tens of people, of course, many Manchester United fans couldn't be in attendance that day as their local side Exeter City were playing out their Coca Cola League One Title Decider against Cheltenham Town.
First Team
1. Edwin Van Duh Bar
Dutch Goalkeeper, watched the spooned shot of John Terry in the champions league final, kept united as the shittest team in history. He is immortal and has been playing football since 1968.
2. Gary Neville
Mankind is at a loss to many questions in life
- Why is the something instead of nothing?
- Is there a God?
- Are we alone in the glaxy?
- How did life first arise?
- How does Gary Neville get in a side which competes for the title?
His grandparents are either (i) Cruel (ii) retarded (iii) no imagination, all down to the fact the game Gary's dad the same name as his surname to be called "Neville Neville". It is believed it is the 2nd option.
3. Patrice du Evra
Better than carragher. Victim of messing about with Wes Brown.
4. Micheal Hardgrave
He is a Mongrel. If he had have been a dog he would have been dumped in a bag with weights and sunk in a river as a puppy. Also doesn't drink milk, which causes many injuries due to weak bones.
5. Rio de je Ferdihand
He may be one of the best defenders in the league, but in his spare time, he is a drug dealer and has to have advance warning of drugs tests so he can "forget" to go.
6. Wes Orange
The lad loves the Manure fans, he loves the tight Asian pussy due to the fact none of the clubs fans come from Manchester, they come from countries such as China, America and Japan. He also likes a bit of cock.
7. Michael Owen
OWW MY BLOODY CALF MUSCLE!!! A Bit slow in the mind, helps Rooney to read and to the toilet. The only Liverpool player to actually be liked by the Man U fans.
8. Gillian Anderson
Ferguson thinks having a Brazilian will lead the team to glory (i'm not talking about the player).
9. Dimitar Barby(off)
The first and only manchester united player to be cloned. In early 2009, the recipe for creating a "Dimitar Barby(off)" was leaked. It goes as follows :
1. Get a heavy stone
2. Put a hairband on the stone
3. Place the stone in an offside position
10. Wayne 'Shrek' Rooney
Likes Harry Potter, but since he's an idiot, he must be talking about the movies and not the books since he can't read. He doesn't even know which number is which, so when he gets subbed, a large bird call is put out over the speakers for him to leave. He likes hookers, but ones near death. Yes, a granny lover. Married to a drag queen.
11. Ryan Giggs
A shaved Wookie (in part), was a reject at Man City. Loves Wales so much he played for England schoolboys.
12. Ben FosterHome
A world class keeper but Ferguson lets him rot while a pensioner plays instead of him.
13. Park Ji Sung
Is really just the guy Rooney gets his takeaway from, Ferguson just plays him so Rooney can keep up to date on the menu. He plays in the #13. Which is to remind Rooney of what his order is, "Everything on the menu except salad"
14. Zoran Tosic
Former FK Partizan player (no hope there then), no United fans had ever heard of him before. But because he singed for United, he is, by default, amazing and the next big thing
He is also part of a plot to overthrow the squirrel dictator (from The Ice-Age movie) ruling his primitive country, Serbia. His current location is unknown but he was last seen in Serbia up an oak tree trying to swap an acorn with the squirrel dictator in exchange for his country's freedom. Supposedly he was outsmarted by the squirrel who now has the acorn as well as the deed to Serbia's "weapons of mass destruction" and freedom. The U.S. are currently discussing an invasion of Serbia to obtain the "weapons of mass destruction" but with a lack of oil in Serbia it is believed that the invasion will not go ahead.
15. Amanda Vidic
His nose bends to the right just like his cock.
16. Micheal Carrick
Micheal Carrick left London because he had a rough night in bed with Ashley Cole. Carrick felt that if he wanted to run again and continue his footballing lifestyle it was in his best interests to leave London. Carrick opted for the soft anal fuck of John O'Shea and Wes Brown instead of the rampant Ashley Cole.
17. Luis Nani
better than that unknown bloke liverpool have on the left wing...no one knows who any of their players are, probably stolen off the black market.
18. Paul Scholes
More famous for his small chalk white penis and fire pubes than his football. Got bullied in school for being ginger. Didn't have sex until Man U paid him enough to get a hooker (a teenage one, unlike the ones Rooney likes).
21. Rafeal Da Silva
According to United fans, he is the second coming of Christ (strange, as I don't think Jesus would want to play for the "Red DEVILS"). He seems to have come through the Man Utd youth system, despite being from Brazil, nice to see them using great UK youth talent, then again, who have they produced since the Beckham generation?
22. John O'Shea
John O'Shea takes it up the duffer! Oh Johny he takes it up the arse! John O'shea takes it up the duffer! With the queer lad Wes Brownnnnnn!
24. Dum-run Fletcher
Makes the Scotland team look better
Players that either buggered off or retired
7. Christiano Ronaldo
The attacking wanker has left Manchester United for Real Madrid after the smallest transfer in history for 10 pounds. He cited "Ferguson shitting in his car while they were having sex" as the main reason for leaving.
7. David Buttram
Left after Ferguson kicked a boot at his face proceeding Beckham to scream "MY FACE MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!!" went to Real Madrid the graveyard of former Man U players.
32. Carlos Tevez
He won the "Ugliest Man of The Year Award" 2004-2008 (current holder). Said he wants to stay in Manchester (strange since Untied isn't in Manchester) so will be lucky for him when Man City buy him at the end of the season since United can't afford him. Debt is a very bad thing, never mind £800m+ of debt.
The Rivals of Manchester United
“i find the amount of money being put into this club to be unfair and bad for the game.....ah Mr Glazer, come in”
~ Manchester City
“i was thinking of getting John Terry, but I need someone who will score from 12 yards”
~ Chelsea
“They have too many songs but are an pish side”
“Arsenal 2-1 Manchester, remember Nasri?”
~ Arsenal(No me neither)
“Despite thrashing them and coming from a Rangers background, their fans love me”
“Who?”
“Manchester are the greatest! - LOSERS”
Football moves invented by Manchester Red Sox Ltd.
- Dying Swan dive C. Ronaldo
- Wear salad dressing on their head C. Ronaldo
- Fall Over when touched C. Ronaldo
- Fall Over when not touched C. Ronaldo
- Fall Over at the sight of defenders ready to tackle C. Ronaldo
- Fall Over at the sight of defenders not ready to tackle C. Ronaldo
- Double-Team dive C. Ronaldo and Nani
- Saying Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea are cheating Alex Ferguson
- Saying referees are unfair C. Ronaldo
- How to Fuck Grannies. Wayne Rooney
Famous 'Managers'
- Alex Ferguson Famously known as the "ole whiskey nose, Recently won the Chamions league after beating Spartak. Ferguson then famously ran onto the pitch and did the rolex sweep".
- Big Racist Atkinson - "He is NOT a racist. He was actually saying something nice about a Nigger that time.
- Sir Matt Busdriver - "You only payed to St Peters Square mate, no this is the 26A"
- Siraraafssn (a rambling drunken Scotsman with a huge bulbous red nose)
- Duncan MacCloud of the Clan MacLeod
- Dave Sexytime - 'I like you - you are real man' :P:P
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