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“Oh Yeah I Think I Live There ”
“I would like to live in Manchester. The transition between it and death would be unnoticeable.”
Manchester is an inhabited landfill site located in the North West of England. Manchester is also notable for having one of the highest rates of gun crime in the UK. Local priests have recently called for Manchester to be twinned with Hell in the hope that hell will take notes, adapt a Mancunian approach to living and a new sense of pride can be had down there. Whilst most of Manchester makes the slums of Rio de Janeiro appear upmarket and chic, the exception to this is Piccadilly station - because it's the quickest way out.
The residents of Manchester, Mancunians, are known for their sloping brows, long arms which enable the ape-like walk, and their unexplainable obsession with the people of Liverpool.
The original site of Manchester had been lost for centuries, but was unfortunately found by the Romans in around 79 AD, a time in history where the Romans were engaged in both founding the large conurbations of modern Britain and burning the conurbations of Celtic Britain. The Romans constructed a fort on the site and named it "Mamcunium", this is Latin for "Breast-like hill" (seriously) for the hill the original site of Manchester was based upon looked very much like a boob. The fort was originally intended to protect several of the other northern settlements in Roman England from the Celts, it performed this task for over 200 years until the Celts realised that a hill shaped like a breast just wasn't worth several thousand casualties per year.
Following the Roman occupation Manchester began development into a much larger settlement, it flourished due to its favourable position on the rivers Irwell and Irk, the fact it was shaped like a boob and the fertile land that surrounded it. That is until 1066 when William the conqueror sought to subjugate the north of England and burned large sections of Manchester to the ground and dissuaded the residents from following Yorkshire into rebellion by starving and executing them. William the conqueror was not altogether concerned by the resemblance of the settlement to a breast, historians have yet to ascertain exactly why this was.
Following the tumultuous 11th, 12th and 13th centuries Manchester stormed back onto the national stage by, in 1421, building a small collegiate church containing a school of music and a library. This was big news in the 15th century and, according to the Greater Manchester Tourist board it is still big news today as the library is still open today and, due to Manchester's generally lacklustre standards of literacy, has yet to actually loan any books.
In 1540 Manchester had become an important centre for the trade of linen and wool. This growth lead John Leland, a historian, to observe that Manchester was "The fairest, best builded, quickest, and most populous town of all Lancashire." John Leland was educated in Manchester, which is exactly why he commends how well Manchester was builded. It is also of note that Lancashire contains Preston, a city which could only be less attractive to visitors if it slapped them and then mugged them in the railway station.
It is said that Manchester boasts the best array of architecture in the country with the likes of the Arndale and Levenshulme, even better than Liverpool with their Super Lamb Banana. In recent times the city imposed a strict rule that only allows glass apartments to be built, which results in the city's architectural style of "post-Victorian neo-Euro-contemporary modernism". Nowadays the builders of Manchester are only able to build apartments as living in Moss Side is quite heavenly. Citizens don't take kindly to bulldozing their old Victorian buildings and burying the city in concrete, as everyone knows no city in England would want to follow the Birmingham way. So many historical gems remain, such as Piccadilly station, overpowering the Brum's New Street station which is comparable to Baghdad. Manchester's iconic towering landmark Beetham Tower was architecturally modelled around a packet of 10 Lambert & Butler cigarettes, chief designer and zillionaire architect Homer Simpson taking accommodation in the cellar, 100 meters undergound where he hired special machinery to install a venus fly trap on top of his toilet cistern. Simpson worked for 60 years designing the radically shaped, ground breaking... cuboid.
Manchester boasts an adequate transport system. With the influx of traffic from the Traffic Centre, other forms of transport are popular. Including unicycles, ostrich riding, piggy backs, fatman hitching, sewage surfing and warp drive.
Transport in Greater Manchester was managed by GUMPTY (Going Up My Passage To Yours). After a tea-urn poisoning incident at the Piccadilly Place headquarters and subsequent abduction of their Director General, it was renamed TfGM (they Totally F***** Greater Manchester). TfGM is a publicly-funded public-private quids-in-free-for-all-partnership (the public gives a private company all the money and is left with a few rotten old busses left over from WW2 belching out exhaust fumes, whilst some sod spends the rest on a yacht). TfGM oversees the running of innovative schemes (that will never, ever happen) such as the Leigh Guided Bumway, which involves 2 drunken gayers and a large elephant, painted white.
Manchester has just 683,907 train stations, however the stupid transport authority made sure most have only one train a week, in one direction only. There is just one booking office for the entire Greater Manchester network, at Denton, open Tuesdays. Most trains are operated by either Fist Transexual Distress whose managing director used to be 'Big Vern' a leather S&M queen, and Now'then Rail (a Yorkshire based firm). Now'then Rail says it operates a high-tech, clean, modern, reliable fleet of brand new trains and employs Mr I. M. Lying as their PR man. Meanwhile, Fist Transexual Distress again won the "Golden Tippex Award" for honesty in the rail industry 2012, 8th year running. Virgin Trains are supposed to operate into Manchester Picka Willy, but Virgin never go all the way, we're told.
Bus services are operated by a Columbian cartel. They are rumoured to have murdered Dennis's, Maynes, UK North, Bu-val and most other smaller bus companies. The standard fare to go one stop is currently £108,203, or 35p for pensioners.
Since the demise of the Ring'n'Rim Ride bus system in 1995, the people of Manchester have found other ways of getting around. A vehicle called the "Nincompoopian" was discarded after receiving the prestigious Shit-sack award for worst invention of the century and people began hay-balling. Hay-balling started when Trevor Kunkle, a crank maker, stole some hay from a farm in Liverpool. He took the hay and proceeded to wrap it around his body, fixing it in place with duct tape. Once he achieved a firm round shape, he rolled himself down a hillside. This idea took off and soon everyone in Manchester was hay-balling to and from work and school. Eventually the farmers of Liverpool had enough of people making-off with their hay. Guards wearing football cleats and armed with whips, tennis raquets and attack-goats were placed strategically around the perimeter of Liverpool and the practice of hay-balling was put to rest.
Most people in the city use the world-famous, reliable, all-weather, never breaking down Metrolink trams. Described as “the love child of a train and a handicapped turd” by Sir Nicky Butt in 1997, the Metrolink serves as the chariot of the tramp. (Mostly) free for all who don’t want to pay, it takes people from anywhere in Manchester to such shitty err.. exotic locations as Altrinchav, Bury (the trams, down a hole), and 'the only way is' Eccles. Occasionally Met-heads board and instantly behead / decaffinate those found without tickets. A number of prominent locals reguarly board the Metro, these include Cyril - who stumbles round with 2L of cider and a plastic tesco bag full of tesco bags swearing cheerfully at anybody and everybody. Another regular is Superchav, who has a penchant for wearing adidas shellsuits; he was recently hospitalised after an unfortunate incident which involved both glue sniffing (sticky fingers) and the hands-down-undies thing that chavs do. Finally, the most loved regular is the butane-snorting Gas Lady, so please, please, for the love of God, don't smoke on board. With the expansion of the routes in 2012, the latest line to open is the Wetherfield shuttle service, which involves de-railing and flying towards the 'final destination'. The new yellow trams are sponsored by Zinc Acid, which is etched into every window, (and usually spelt wrong by the div).
edit Tourist Attractions
Manchester has many famous attractions for tourists that are visiting the city. Here is a brief selection.
The proud showpiece / ringpeice of Manchester and the best place outside London. Common first impressions includes 'Crikey, its uglier than a rectal prolapse' and 'fuck me, I should've stayed int 'ull.'
edit The Manchester Stupid Idiots Museum
Home of the famous people that were born in Manchester, or have been famous as a result of being in Manchester. As they are such stupid idiots they are trapped inside the museum even though there is an easy way to get out. Many can be seen wandering around, and you can even ask them questions. Such people are: footballer David Beckham, You, A man who thought a train would stop if he stood in front of it, and many many more.
edit Gay Street
A short back passage, just off Princess Street, where heterosexuals go to gawp at The Gays. Now designated a Site of Scientific Infest by the Department Of Boys. This article is actual truth. Do not believe otherwise.
The founders of gay street were born in 3 billion B.C, Bristolians who were so jealous of the coolness of Manchester, they tried to become Mancunian by creating this road. Their names are inscribed on the entrance to Gay Street.
To add further to the absolute truth the main street in The Gay village was aptly named Canal Street. After being a renouned place of gay gatherings the local populous went out armed with tip-ex and removed the C and S to read Anal treet.
edit Beat'ham Tower
For 43 years Manchester held the record for the tallest council house outside of London, the CIS (Chavs In Salford coz there ain't no chavs 'ere) Tower. However, in 2006 it lost this title to Birmingham Clown Circus, which was made taller with a sign on the rooftop saying "Fuck off, we are the second city". Enraged, Manchester later that year completed a taller building, twatting Birmingham's tower by miles, with a screen projection on the front reading, "We're gonner get Noel Gallagher on yer". The tower has been named the Beat'ham Tower to remind the Brummies that no-one messes with Madcunians.
This resulted in a
riot bit of fisticuffs in Birmingham, set off by Noel, ensuing the local village council to build taller buildings, using newfangled materials such as "steel", instead of their traditional concrete, but so far met with no progress.
It also doubles the world's tallest slidy-fronted phone.
edit MEN Arena
The Christian Clarke shopping centre of Manchester. He comes all the way from Albert Square to shop for a new man, pass wind, and get a Manchester souvenier - a pickle that was lying on the floor. It gets it's name from a local businessman's patented free daily newspaper, The Manchester Evening Nap, which causes anyone to read it to instantly fall asleep. Ghost Haunt the MEN Arena on a regular basis everyday at exactly 2:13pm in the afternoon. The local bus service to get you there runs every 5 hours despite the fact that it's walkable from Victoria Station
edit Apollo Crator
Although NASA would like you to believe that Apollo 13 bus is still in service running up and down between Manchester and London. It did indeed crash in the site now known as the Apollo Crator, situated next door is now a small unknown theater, purely designed to cash in on tourists trying to see the crash scene. Apollo 14 was later renamed as Apollo 13 to fool the residents of Manchester and London into thinking that the bus service was never under threat. A brand new Stagecoach bus service in the form of 192 took over Apollo 13, with new but cheaper Enviro 400s carry no less than 456 billion aliens to and from Stockport every single day except January the 12th.
edit The Ruins of the Winter Hill Television Transmitter
In 1968 the Great fire caused the destruction of The Winter Hill transmitter which had stood on the hill since 1954. The site is chiefly of interest because the mayor collided with it in his Morris Mini while fleeing the fire and killed himself - vast crowds of workers cheered at his death as he was the most evil supervillian in Manchester's recent history.
edit Traffic Centre
The place on britain's motorway network that introduces traffic to everywhere else in the world. Tourists can see how traffic jams are made and then later sent out to the various parts of the world slowing it down. Tourists can ride in their own traffic jam, and buy a traffic jam for their own town or country. The Railways have recently been protesting against the use of the traffic centre as it is causing a surge in lateness, as the trains have patented lateness the road network has to pay out in passengers to the trains.
edit The Traffic Signals
Only dumb blonds are likely to visit Manchester, so it's a toss up between a shiny set of car keys and the traffic signals as the greater dumb blond attraction to this dirty ol' towne.
edit The Manchester Ship Canal
Opened in 1939 as a failed means of deflecting German bombers towards Liverpool which succeeded in destroying much of the city, the three hundred mile canal was dug by Urmston Women's Institute using knitting needles and old cutlery. It's primarily used as an open sewer to feed the starving people of Moss Side - who live off human faeces but recently tourists have been flocking to watch drugged-up old queens floating down from Gay Street.
edit Coronation Street
See main article Coronation Street
This is one of the most popular streets in Manchester, despite going against the common Madchunian values of happiness (it is excused as it occasionally promotes inbreeding). It also has one of the most popular slave labour based factories in the UK.
The national sport of Manchester is Rioting. In city schools, this is encouraged on sports day with the sack race (sack of vodka bottles nicked from Tesco) and the Egg, Spoon and Plasma TV race. The local council introduced laws in 2011 which allow the shooting, burning or raping of hoodies after dark.
Manchester is also home to the to a once great team, United, who are in fact owned by Roman Abramovic, the communist overlord of Chelski. It is commonly known that Old Trafford is where Arsenal concede 8 goals. Matches between the London Brawl and United are highlights of the British sports calendar every year, but usually end up in a brawl on the streets. Way back in 1919 United started a spin-off team, Manchester City. In their first season they were in the European cup final, which they lost and confidence was severely knocked. They gained large debts through manager Wayne Rooney's gambling problem, Rooney soon finding himself sacked as a result.
Manchester hosted the XVII Commoners' Games in 2002 but the eventended within a day because many of the athletes couldn't tell which gunshot was from the starter's pistol. Many were robbed and stabbed during the opening event. This involved peasants from around the world playing simple games, followed by the Manchester citizens laughing at them - if they didn't make anyone laugh, they would be executed. This ended in an enormous pub crawl, during which all the pubs in the city being drunk dry. Many accused those who organised the events such as "watch the poor foreigner dance badly" of being racist. The government didn't approve of these comments, and as a result had them dance badly to see how it is done. The did very well, to their suprise, and were quickly executed.
edit Getting Laid with Girls and the Like
The notion of going out in Manchester can be a daunting one though there are generally considered a few work-arounds:
- VK Blue - The fast-track way to securing company for the evening would be to load your target full of these delightufl beverages. Though the costs may mount up (Manchester Girls are seasoned veterans and you are likely to be up against 3 bottles of red wine before the taxi arrived earlier that afternoon) you will find that this method will prove most useful when all else fails.
- A Buzz Cut - What's more manly than a sleekly gelled carpet of hair on your crown? Nothing, that's what.
- Something with 'Henleys' on - This works like a charm. Though pictoral evidence is yet to surmount in this post, even shouting the word 'HENLEYS' in your target's face loosens knicker elastic within a 12 foot radius. If you can imply textured lettering or a gold motif in your voice tone, then knees will weaken in your wake.
- An Attitude - Girls like men with attitude. Demonstrate this by arguing with taxi drivers, punching wing mirrors and shouting obscenities at people as they drive past. Openly mocking your fellow alpha males is considered a plus. (ED. - Having a female wing running after you screaming "it's not worf it, it's not worf it" can assist you here.)
- Little or No Knowledge of your Surroundings - I can recall a date with an ex where a suave young dapper chappy was bellowing the words 'SOSSAGE BARM' at an unsuspecting employee in Subway one night. How I awed him.