Man flu
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“No...not again!”
“Father! Why hast thou forsaken Me?!”
'Man flu' (not to be confused with woman flu, nor the much less serious actual flu) is the single most fatal illness in the known universe. It is estimated that every year 482 million men die from this disease, making it more devastating than such great illnesses as the Black Death and the Black Death II.
There is only one species known to man that is immune to the devastating man flu; Women. It is for this reason that many cynical women are unable to comprehend the sheer enormity of suffering induced by man flu, having only suffered their puny woman flu.
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[edit] History
Man flu is believed to have originated in the year 1484, when Richard III (described by Shakespeare as 'the evil bastard' and 'dirty child killer') invented the disease as the reason why his nephews hadn't been seen in nearly a year. Unfortunately for him, his diagnosis was remarkably accurate and due to the insanely contagious nature of man flu he died the following year whilst playing with a Welshman at a place called Bosworth.
[edit] Biblical Views
There are, of course, alternative views about the origin of Man flu. The most popular theory is that God himself was the first ever sufferer of man flu and that it's because of this that he hasn't returned for judgement day or finished the Forth Bridge. On a similar note his only son Jesus was suffering man flu when nailed to the cross and this was the single cause for his death (did you honestly think God's offspring could be killed by a couple of nails?!).
[edit] Ancient Rome
Historians recently uncovered evidence that suggests man flu was the first kind of chemical warfare, as used by the Romans in the year 70 at the siege of Jerusalem. Hundreds of malingerers were gathered and flung over the walls at the besieged Jews, meaning that instead of facing starving, angry Jews when the Romans finally went in all they found were women walking around aimlessly tutting at their partners.
[edit] Symptoms
As there are absolutely no cures for man flu, there's no point in including the symptoms here as the sufferer will die within roughly a lifetime of contracting the disease. However, here they are anyway. There are literally some symptoms of man flu. These can be;
- Sneezing your brains out.
- Coughing blood.
- Asploding
- Losing the ability to walk.
- Losing the ability to see.
- Losing the ability to do anything except groan in agony and claw at the uninfected
- Death.
- Random loss of limb(s).
- Visions of Satan.
- Being visited by Jehovah's witnesses.
- Inability to visit her parents for the weekend
Sufferers of man flu are often ridiculed by women for claiming to have the incurable disease. Please feel free to direct them to this factual list of symptoms if you are faced by such doubt.
[edit] Treatment
At present there is no known cure for Man flu. However, there are a small number of remedies that have been scientifically proven to ease suffering:
- At least a week off work, two weeks if especially serious.
- Having a TV next to the bed.
- Having the man's girlfriend wait on him hand and foot.
[edit] Man flu in popular culture
Due to the sheer destructiveness of man flu, it has never appeared in popular culture, only the bible. It is widely believed that if one was to act having man flu the disease would immediately take hold and kill the actor within 100 years.
