From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
In the Batman series of comic books, as well as in its various forms in other media, Batman, Robin, and his allies in the fight against injustice have a group of 'usual suspects' in Gotham City who repeatedly offend the Dark Knight and his chums. These costumed villains serve as a wicked reversal of the masked justice that Batman brings to Gotham City. As is usual in the Batman mythos, many of the most colorful characters have interesting back stories which provide a fascinating highlight of the effects of human psychological dysfunction and the various ways it can be manifest.
edit The Joker
He he he ha ho ho he he he hahaha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ho. He he ha ho he he. He ha ho ho ha ha he. And I thought my Joker impression was bad.
The Joker, A.K.A. The Clown Prince of Crime, brings deadly capers to the citizens of Gotham yet always with a sickly comedic twist and a smile. He is famous (or infamous) for his special 'Joker Gas', which is consisted of 51,532 molecules of laughonium, an element discovered by The Joker's clown ancestors 500 years ago with an atomic # of 34,234. Rumours told the world (and the universe) if you breathe in it, you can smile for the camera HELLA more efficiently.
The Joker has a shotgun blast of different origins as the writers hoped that at least one of them would be a hit. In modern continuity, the Joker was none other than Cherie Blair, wife of Tony Blair *Random Hot Whistles* - she used to trip Bruce Wayne (he cried about it too) up on his way to school and sit on him taking his dinner money; when Bruce's parents became involved she tried to force them to join the Labour Party (What assholes), it got heated and she sliced his parents heads off by nasty paper cuts as Bruce watched, this dominated Bruce's life and he therefore became a Rockefeller Republican and later backed Arnold Schwarzenegger, he also vowed to take revenge and one day breaking in on Cherie undergoing beauty treatments they struggled and she feel into a vat of boiling face cream. This actually made no difference to her appearance but she was convinced it did and vowed revenge upon Batman she became a lawyer and defended the worst of Gotham's underworld, spends most of her time in Machiavellian plots.
Here is a list of Jokers :
Steve Miller - The original joker, smoker, midnight toker. Hasn't been seen since Batman defeated Wisconsin some 50 years ago.
Cesar Romero - A gay Latino dude. Not much else is known about this guy, besides his awesome (and totally visible) stache. He is also as fat as a cow.
Jack Nicholson - Having gone mad in the Coo Coos Nest, Jack breaks out his tommy gun and takes over Gotham all while trying to seduce Kim Basinger.
Mark Hamill - What the hell? The Luke Skywalker guy? ... He was the Joker? When? CONSISTENTLY FOR THE LAST FIFTEEN YEARS!?
Jared Leto - The New Coke of Jokers. He's taken way too much datura and got him self some tattoos in prison to pick up the bitches.
edit The Penguin
One of Batman's most persistent opponents is the dangerously persistent "Penguin". Born Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, the Penguin is known for his love of birds (but who isn't, eh, eh? Know what I'm sayin'?) and high-tech umbrellas which first came to the world's attention with the murder of Georgi Markov in 1978.
Unlike many of Batman's foes, The Penguin is not insane. Nevertheless, the balance of his mind is thought to be temporarily disturbed every April following his annual fast on the Baranowski Glacier, where he balances his partner's eggs in a special pouch above his feet to insulate them from the ice. This he does for two months without food despite temperatures below -30 Celcius and winds of up to 100 mph. Throughout the summer he divides his time between attempting to steal oversize gems from the Gotham Museum and laying down stores of fat for the next breeding season by hunting for Herring and Red Snapper in Gotham Bay.
Armed with the world's only "cannibalistic umbrella" and a fleet of penguin-themed submersible vehicles, The Penguin remains a danger to both law & order and shipping. Nevertheless, Batman developed an infallible method of tracking his arch-foe's secret hide-outs. His enemy's location could be revealed in moments by employing one of the Bat-gadgets on his utility belt, the Guano-tracker. However, since September 2003 it has been unnecessary for Batman to battle The Penguin at all - partly because he has officially renounced crime, and partly because the arrival in Gotham of Leopard Seal Man and Orca-boy.
The Penguin's status as the most popular of Batman's regular adversaries is seen in the amount of merchandising available. Many bat villains have their own action-figures, most can be purchased in poster-form, but only The Penguin can be bought in packets of 9 or twelve and in a variety of flavours.
edit Mr. Freeze
Mr. Freeze is not actually a villain at all, he is a cute cuddly snow man brought to life by a magic hat one Christmas, however Batman hates Christmas and was angered that a snowman could magically come to life but his dead parents couldn't come back, so Batman stuffed his human wife Nora in a refrigerator and sent a message to boss Santa to stay out of Gotham and left a bat shaped snow angel on his front lawn as a calling card. Mr. Freeze swore revenge on this so called Batman, and came very close to destroying him with an exploding Christmas present but failed, a stocking with a bear trap in it didn't work, than he tried dradles with saw blades and a minora that shoots tiny missiles disguised as candles, even nearly stealing the sun on winter solstice but always to no avail.
The wife of The Joker that went and did prostitution and stand up to pay her way through a doctorate, debuted in Batman: The Kid's Cartoon With Murder, Maiming and Madness.
edit Mr. Fees
Mr. Freeze's lawyer, specializing in freezing assets - especially Batman's. Noted for wrapping everything up in red tape, now runs most of Western civilization.
Batman's emotionally and physically scarred adversary Harvey Dent became the maniacal personal injury attorney two face after a freak accident involving a bowl of soup scarred the right side of his body evenly down the middle. Two-Face suffered further mental trauma once his prized collection of 50-state quarters was stolen by The Joker in a humorous attempt to make Two-Face go that much more crazy. Batman, though reluctant to admit it, actually had to leave a fight with the Joker to rush home to the Bat-Cave as he had crapped himself laughing so hard. It was one of only three times the Joker ever got Batman to laugh. The first was when he fell into a vat of chemicals, and the third time resulted in the Joker's near-demise when he attempted W.C. Fields's "Nose-Expansion" gag and nearly killed Batman with laughter.
Considerably cooler character than either Man-Super or Woman-Wonder, Man-Bat is basically just Spiderman's enemy The Lizard when DC sieged Marvel headquarters in the 1970's using a gigantic robot fire breathing T-Rex.
Batman hates the environment. Many of the things he does to hurt the environment are: Cut all the grass in his yard with flame throwers, sign a document that allowed Wayne Enterprises to bury their nuclear waste in the arctic, dump industrial pollution in Yellowstone National Parks volcanic geysers and arranged it to legally hunt criminals dressed in endangered animal pelts for sport. Naturally Poison Ivy couldn't let this continue so she had her boyfriend Harvey Dent take Batman and Bruce Wayne both to court at the same time. They were about to win until the sick bastard showed up as his criminal identity Matches Malone and threw gasoline on Dent's face lighting a match, figuring that attractive people get lessened sentences, so ugly lawyers must win less often, having learned a thing or two about using looks as a weapon from Ivy.
Once a successful game show host, when reality TV became the next big thing he just couldn't cope with the change and started designing death traps and capturing people off the street to fight sagging ratings, forcing them to live together in his dungeon and quibble to satiate the demand in today's hyper violence saturated media market.
Batman himself turned to a life of masked justice after witnessing the brutal death of his parents caused by not carrying a gun, because his dad took an oath to first do no harm or something, therefore giving him a dual personality at the age of eight. Before the entrepreneurial mugger could shoot him too, he was saved by a major league baseball player knocking the gun out of his hand with a baseball and beating the man to death with a baseball bat, as revealed in "What's Wrong With Me and Why Am I Using Batman Comics To Express My Dysfunctions?" (rumored to be written by Frank Miller).
Where's my Kitty Kat. Catwoman (born Dawn Primarolo) for a number of years has been one of Batman's main enemies, turning to a life of paid sex (aka prowl-stitution) for the extra cat scratch. Mysteriously enough, Frank Miller has yet to write a comic about this event. A definite case of miaow though - notable for bad breath and wearing lots of leather catsuits, always jumping on Batman and Robin and pinning them down. They both say how wicked she is but both have children by her and she has swapped claws for clause now getting financial support for their litter in the courts.
More commonly known as Clare Short, Batman has no idea why he married her - doesn't do much but moan in a strange voice. Had a bust up with Catwoman over her affair with Batman and when Catwoman called her Fatwoman, whacked Catwoman over the head with a frying pan and sat on her, however Catwoman breathed on her and her catbreath was so bad that Batwoman fell off enabling Catwoman to get on top and triumph.
Disapproving of Batman's involvement in the War in Iraq, Batwoman left Gotham at the next General Elections.
Before dabbling in the forces of not-niceness, Scarecrow, aka Dr. Jonathon Crane, was a college professor who taught some biology-related subjects. However, in the movie "Batman Starts it Up", he was fired for a combination of habitually parking in the dean's handicapped spot and for knocking up one of his graduate students. Since then, he's become of one Gotham's most prolific mass murderers. He kills his victims by tricking them to "draw his straw", thus releasing his "Feared Gas", a noxious, poisonous, terrifying gas that strikes fear in the hearts of all men.
edit Mad Hatter
A weird yet somehow awesome computer programmer from Oxford with an awesome hat. He kidnaps young girls (Mainly Blondes) and invites them over for mad tea parties (With drugged tea) They are unconscious when his fun really begins, he dresses them up, gives them better names, and controls their brains to better play all day. He loves Alice in Wonderland and anything to Do with Lewis Carroll. He also has a pretty strong hat fetish and several restraining orders near schools and playgrounds.
edit Killer Croc
His real name Waylon Smithers. He is a lifelong sufferer of that skin-condition that causes your skin to become hard, scaly and green. Coincidentally, he also suffers from gigantism, super strength disorder, fang syndrome, and a potty mouth. Killer Croc is only somewhat notable for being Batman's only black villain. Somehow he is more notable for being one of several green ones.
edit Clay Face
A shameless rip off of the earlier Spiderman villain Sandman in a rare example of DC stealing from Marvel during a daring helium balloon suit getaway on the roof of their corporate headquarters.
edit Clay Vase
A shameless rip off of the earlier Spiderman villain The Igloo, a master inanimate assassin disguised as an ordinary clay vase in the Gotham City museum that fell on Robin's head, putting him in a coma in an unusually dark episode of Adam West's Batman designed to teach kids not to horse around at art galleries or stand too close to exhibits.
Long before he was a major Hollywood producer and leader of his own religion, Lord Xenu was one of Batman's most fearsome foes. Xenu's impression of psychology was caused largely from the terrible excuse for mental healthcare administered at Arkham Asylum due it's long time honored history of hiring only psychopathic control freaks. Batman's childhood friend Superboy was tricked into joining the Church of Scientology, causing him to become bat fuck insane, Batman led an attack on the Church's headquarters. After a fierce, year-long battle, Batman defeated Xenu by throwing him into a volcano causing him to explode, freeing Superman of the alien psychic parasite ghost's mind control.
edit Batman look-alikes
Many over the years have tried to imitate the style of Bruce Wayne. The most famous of cases was the notorious picture of Pope John Paul II taken over what was later admitted to be a "wild weekend in Vegas." This image can be found here. The costume was supposedly created by Hell's Angels members in Vegas who wanted to pay their tribute to the Pope.
edit Big Ears
Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair discovered that former District attorney Harvey Kent had, after a promising beginning of being idolized by all his people, cracked under the pressure, raised taxes, started to resort to methods as immoral as those he opposed before giving into his bitterness and deciding people's very fates with the flip of coin. Feeling this was blatant plagiarism; Blair vowed he would not rest until Two Face was destroyed. Taking on the name Big Ears, Blair waged a gang war that almost tore Gotham City in two. Eventually, Batman had no choice but to call on George Bush to sort the crisis out. However, Bush being Bush, his policy was, "nuke em all and let Gawd sort em out!" Bush proceeded to fire an H Bomb onto Two Face and Blair's location while Batman, believing his end was nigh, confessed his secret love of all things pink and fluffy. Fortunately, the bomb was Iranian made so upon a direct hit with Gotham its only effects included a slight citywide stomach upset and few exploding nuns.
edit Music Meister
By far, Batman's most fearsome enemy, Music Meister is so powerful, even Darkseid pales in comparison to him. Born the illegitimate son of Madonna and Robin Williams's evil twin, Music Meister's main power is his singing voice, which he can use to make people to burst into random song and dance.
edit Professor Pyg
By far, the most BIZARRO enemy of the Batman. Not only do his actions speak bizarre, i.e. mutilates people and turns them into zombie dolls, but also speaks in complete what-the-fuckery. I'm sorry, I can't be goofy around him. He makes himself look weird! I am trying, but this...bizarre lard of fat just does it himself. What do you expect from Grant Morrison, sanity!?
edit The Anti Batman
Christian theologians (particularly since Lex Luther's Protestant Reformation), have long postulated the existence of an Anti-Batman. Some say the Anti-Batman would have to be a child of criminals who were unjustly gunned down by the police, or the child of some criminals that were justly gunned down by the police. Other's insist the anti bat would have to be a millionaire who killed his own parents, like Hush or Black Mask. Historically though, the Catholic Church teaches that any criminal who rejects Batman from their hearts and answers help wanted ads for the mob, is the anti-bat.
Theoretical physicists on the other hand insist the anti Batman must be from a parallel anti matter universe where all the good guys are bad guys and the bad guys are good guys, and where the anti heroes are the anti villains, and vice versa. However statistically the closest thing to an anti-batman is Batzarro the world's worst detective over at the other end of the bell curve. Batzarro shot his parents in order to avenge the natural death of his dog Ace, whom had not in fact run away from home while he was away at summer camp, like those cold blooded murderers had said.
edit Bat-See Also
- The Joker
- Poison Ivy
- Harley Quinn
- Mr. Freeze
- The Penguin
- The Riddler
- The Scarecrow
- Robin: The zombie one.
- Batgirl: The assassin one.
- Captain Planet and the Planeteers: Batman really seems to hate environmentalists and animal conservationists of anything other than bats.
- Axis: Back in the golden age, Batman took Italy, Wonder Woman fought Japan and Superman beat Germany.
- Zorro: Wealthy playboy and black cape twirling masked vigilante Don Diego de la Vega is not fond of copyright infringement. He says the vendetta is to avenge the deaths of Wonder Man and Captain Marvel cut down in their primes by DC's lawyers.
- Shark-Repellant Bat-Spray
- The Rough Guide to Gotham City
- HowTo:Survive Arkham Asylum
- Spider villains