Malta

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Renju-Rebbublika Fiwdalistika Maltieja
Feudalistic Republic of Maltese Kingdom
Malta
Flag of Malta Coatofarmsmalta
Flag Coat of Arms
Anthem: "No one touches my pockets, no one changes my vote, my blood is blue, my blood is red, as long as the green don't get elected!"
Europe malta map location
Capital Valletta City
Largest city Hal-Safi
Official language(s) Grunting
Government Domestic(NOT)
National Hero(es) Pope Benedict, Benito Mussolini
Currency Giant Maltese Wormcasts, Pastizzi
Religion Money, Money,Haxi and Money
Population 69
Ethnic groups Monkeys - 100%
Major exports Maltesers, Malt, Maltose, Malt Vinegar, Maltase
Major imports Blonde bombshells
Calling code 356
Drives on two wheels (only means of avoiding potholes)

Malta is a small, expansive lump of rock situated in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea and it currently belongs to the Pope, and is very much in demand as a collector's item by those wanting a miniature copy of Italy.

Malta used to be part of Italy, but got kicked out with Sicily. The Maltese people or Maltesers later got their revenge on the Italians, when they stole everything from Italy including their money, the Tower of Pisa and all their Monkeys.

History

Like most small islands close to other places Malta's history was a difficult one. After the first Italian settlers arrived there, the Greeks, Turks, Arabs, Spanish, more Italians, French, and British, all attacked it, and today it continues to be under attack from all of them.

The oldest buildings in the world are also in Malta, showing Malta's strong history - unfortunately, the Maltese never left this period behind, and continue to live in these buildings today.

D

Geography

Maltese scientists known as 'professuri tal-bigilla' (professors of a traditional bean dip) have proven that if all of the Maltese population had to stand on the edge of the island, it would actually tip and overturn. An event which would no doubt not be noticed by many. No less because this would cause a massive tsunami, which would propagate in all directions. Sicily to the North would be the first to be hit by the 8042.34km high waves, putting out the Etna volcano for good. The italian peninsula would be next, then Austria and later Germany. The tsunami would then stop for a beer and some sausages at Munich in Germany, after which it would continue roaring towards Denmark, Norway and Sweden. After covering all this Northern expanse in its foamy, salty jizz, the tsunami would fall off the edge of the world.

To the south, the tsunami would turn the vast expanses of desert of North Africa into sought after beaches. Jesus would arise and summon the help of moses to drink the tsunami waters. This would succeed, but moses would die of severe dehydration due to the vast volume of sea water ingested. Jesus would refuse to reanimate Moses, since Moses is a dick, and Jesus never really liked him. This would happen so fulfull the old testament prophecy, where Jesus said to Moses, "Screw you man, you're a dick."

To the East, all the Eastern European and Russian whores will be engulfed by the tsunami. The godless, soulless Chinese, and then the equally godless and soulless Japanese would be carried by the mighty waves, which would roll on into the pacific.

To the West, the Americas would be swept by the thundering tsunami. State by state, the USA would be consumed by the fury of this weapon of mass destruction launched by the Maltese Jowee. The tsunami wave will continue into the Pacific.

The Eastern and Western tsunami would meet in the middle of the Pacific ocean and collide, generating uncalculable amounts of force. This immense force would force the earch out of orbit, and eject it into the open universe, away from the sun and out of the milky way. Earth would then drift aimlessly for millenia until it is discovered by Intergalactic Justin Bieber, at which point it will commit suicide by implosion.

Language

Because Malta has been owned by every country in Europe at some point in time, it has absorbed the cultures of many of them. There was one thing in particular that Malta liked though, and that was their languages. It took the languages from all of them, and in fact now has around 16 national languages that are all commonly spoken by the locals. If someone is not fluent in all of these by the time they have started school, they will be chucked onto Comino, the island off Malta known as "Prison Island".

The English are now replacing all the other languages, so the Maltese language is now rather like like Welsh, and is only spoken by OAPs. In fact, Malta once wanted to steal Welsh too, but the Welsh defended it strongly, sending their sheep after the Maltese. Maltese has also absorbed some words from sheep language, making it one of only two languages in the world to have vocabulary from animals (along with Swedish).

Literature

The Maltese have one famous 'short story' that tells us about a very famous Italian man who went to Malta: Sources indicate that he was the only ever tourist to visit the island, but these may be inconclusive. The story runs:

One a day I'm gonna to Malta to big a hotel. In a morning I got down to eat a breakfast. I tell a waitress: "I wanna two pieces of toast." She brings me only one piece. I tell her: "I wanna two piece." She says: "Go to the toilet." I say: "You don't understand? I wanna two piece in my plate." She says: "You better no piss in a plate, you son of a bitch!" I don't even know the lady and she call me son of a bitch.

Later. I go to eat to a bigger restaurant. The waitress brings me the spoon, the knife but no fork. I tell her: "I wanna the fork." She tells me: "Everybody wanna fuck." I tell her: "You don't understand? I wanna the fork at the table." She says: "You better not fuck at the table you son of a bitch!"

So I go back to my room in a hotel and there is no sheets on the bed. Call the manager. I tell him: "I wanna sheet." He tell me: "To go to the toilet." I say: "You don't understand? I wanna sheet on a bed." He says: "You better not shit on my bed you son of a bitch." I go to the check out and the man at the desk said: "Peace on you!" I said: "Piss on you too, you son of a bitch." I'm gonna back to Italia, Arrivederci

Architecture

Maltese architecture goes back a long way. In fact, the world's oldest man-made structure exists there. However, this structure was built by the prehistoric Italians so is never taken seriously. Even the buildings built in Malta today are simply copies of what their cousins over on the mainland have already made, too bad that their cousins' work resembled turds, more than anything else. Indeed everyone knows that the Maltese did a great job to avoid using the Italian crap that they inherited. Through evolution one can assume that they learned something.

Malta is also famous for its roads. Really famous. Honest.

Mnajdra

Mnajdra is more commonly known as a real-life representation of an angry-birds scene. Formerly believed to be an area populated by temple ruins from the pre-historic era, Mnajdra was officially declared a world heritage site in October 2010 following the discovery a number of indigenous species. Such species include a variety of coloured Turdus migratorius (Birds) and Sus domestica (green pigs).

Such recently discovered species have hence shed light on a variety of historic socio-cultural influences of Mediterranean Culture, namely the reasons for which the Maltese are known for their loud sense of being and overt-relaxation. It is believed that the site of Mnajdra is the source of all which characterizes Maltese culture: that of angriness and laziness, it is due known that Mnajdra was the first known area upon which the game of غاضب الطيور (Angry Birds) was practised.

Ġgantija

The oldest hot dog stand in the world, accidentally located on Gozo island. Apparently, the name comes from a prehistoric wording of "Giant's tower", since the Gozitan legend had it that giants dined there. Well I guess it's a likely story, what with all the giant women wondering around the streets today.

Maltese Roads

Malta is particularly well known for the quality of its long stretches of pristine and well built roads. Maltese roads are renowned worldwide, and are of such a good quality that both Pope John Paul and Queen Elisabeth's bottoms were more than comfortable when riding around in their carriages.

The only cars present in Malta are cheap Toyotas. It is common to see orangutans behind the wheel of such cars, which make up 97% of the Maltese population.

Residency

As a Catholic country, Maltese people believe that condoms are the hats of the devil, and therefore have an ever-expanding population - the highest in the EU in fact. This has meant the need for a mass building scheme across the "country" (if you can call it that), where all low rise housing buildings are gradually being demolished, in place of higher and higher flats. As Malta has started to become less religious, the population increase has started to slow down, but an interesting situation has so far developed there, whereby all the towns have expanded so rapidly that they have all almost entirely engulfed each other, making Malta something of a city in itself.

Maltese are also very sensitive about their families. they get easily offended if you mention their mother more than once in a sentence and they can easily kill you. You can't offend their mother but they can in any way deemed suitable.

Tourism

Always friendly to foreigners. So friendly that they provide you with a rental car and a set of skrewdrivers to fix it (otherwise you'd be screwed). The drinks are cheap, especially at the corner shop, about two in the morning, when the 13 year olds go home. If you are a foreign student trying to find your way home while you think your head is 4 times heavier than the rest of your body, then you have the high chance of meeting a group of about 12 to 18 friendly young Maltese boys asking you for a lighter - and then they are so kind to help you take it out of your pocket, including you wallet, your mobile, the rest of you change, your ID and maybe even they take the puke out of your stomach punching it till you are about to suffocate and on your own vomit. The Police help - call them, they will arrive after about 2 hours.

Night Life

All night life in Malta is situated Paceville, which everyone knows obviously means "Peace village" because it is so quiet and picturesque.

Paceville covers about a mile, and every building within it is either a bar, club, pub or a house whose owner has kindly volunteered their doorstep for drunken revellers to vomit on. The entire Maltese population comes here every night to rave. This helps maintain its quaint appeal as "Peace village".

Barmen and Club owners are friendly to customers of all ages (especially those between the ages of 5 and 13), this makes buying alcoholic beverages easy. Apart from all 16 natioanl languages, Barmen speak in a variety of different languages including fluent and diverse forms of grunting, scratching, coughing and spitting, and long periods of gazing and nodding when encountering difficulty in understanding French people who refuse to speak any language but their own.

Live entertainment on the the streets of Paceville does not follow any sort of timetable or schedule, but one may encounter several opportunities of entertainment such as the usual police chasing after Arabs, police comedic relief as they never manage to catch the Arabs, dodge the bouncer, fake your age and nationality to get into clubs, hop-skip and jump the puddles of puke, hop-skip and jump the 13 yr old drunkards, bully and steal from those pesky kids, bully and steal from those pesky kid's friends buy alcohol and puke.

Transport back home is ready available and very reasonably priced as there is always that 50% chance of crashing and dying on your way back to your roach motel / hotel.

Be sure to read all disclaimers on buses and minivans that will readily state that they accept absolutely no responsibility for: death, injury, dismemberment, loss of eye sight/manhood/items of monetary value/items which look like they might be of monetary value/children, intoxication from vehicle, shattered pelvis (its the damn governments fault for making such superbly engineered roads), finally being dumped in a field somewhere.

Birds

As the European birdlife undergoes its seasonal migration, birds fly down through Southern Italy and Malta, on their way to Africa. It is known that Malta and Southern Italy are possibly the most bird-friendly areas in the world, with many species in abundance wherever you look. They are not all shot, and in fact have so many birds that Malta has more bird flu than China. There are also some birds that are kept as pets, and very lovingly kept in massive cages that are cleaned, and are given food. While it is true that Malta has the largest number of registered hunters /per capita/ none of these has ever been recorded to have fired a single shot on a protected bird. The preferred target of the local hunter is the tourist. In fact the adage "If it's tourist season why can't you shoot them" is said to have originated in Malta as a rough translation of the local saying "Ara naqra kif ser nisolhu lira".

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