Malta
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| Feudalistic Republic of Maltese Kingdom - Renju-Rebbublika Fiwdalistika Maltieja | ||
 |  | |
| Official languages |
and counting | |
| Population: | 410,000 and counting | |
| Religion: | Extremist Catholic | |
| National Bird | Maltese Falcon | |
| National anthem | Il-But tieghi ma jmissu hadd, il-vot tieghi ma nbiddlu qatt, demmi blu, demmi ahmar, l-aqwa ma jitilawx tal-ahdar! | Translation : No one touches my pockets, no one changes my vote, my blood is blue,my blood is red, as long as the green don't get elected! |
| Political Parties: |
| |
| National Hero | Benito Mussolini, Daniel Camilleri (BA lol Malta) | |
| Recent History | 1972 - War of Oil vs. Wyoming | |
Malta is a large, expansive lump of rock situated in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea and is part of the Pope Crew. Malta is very much in demand as a collector's item as a miniature copy of Italy. Malta is sometimes referred to as "A urine soaked piece of pumice stone."
Malta used to be part of Italy, but got kicked out with Sicily. The Maltese got their revenge on the Italians however, when they stole everything from Italy, like their language, culture, people, food, music, film, TV, fashion, and Romeo and Juliet. The country is currently ruled by Emperor Lawrence Gonzi (He carries the honorary title of L-Isqof Gonzi).
Contents |
[edit] Kings of Malta
- 49BC-44BC Julius Caesar
- 44BC-27BC Uninhabited
- 27BC-14AD Emperor Augustus
- 14AD-37AD Emperor Tiberius
- 37AD-41AD Emperor Caligula
- 41AD-54AD Emperor Claudius
- 54AD-68AD Emperor Nero
- 68AD-1923 Uninhabited
- 1923-1945 Benito Mussolini
- 1945-1945 Adolf Hitler
- 1946-1983 Borat Sagdiev
- 1983-1990 Peter Griffin
- 1990-1995 Glen Quagmire
- 1995-current Julian Camereli Brennan and Tom chode ( married couple)
[edit] History
Malta's history was a difficult one. After the first Italian settlers arrived there, the Greeks, Turks, Arabs, Spanish, more Italians, French, and British, have all attacked it, and now, it is under attack from all of them. Some speculate that these countries were not in fact fighting for the islands, but over who would have to have them.
The oldest buildings in the world are also in Malta, showing Malta's strong history - unfortunately, the Maltese never left this period behind, and continue to live in these buildings today, and it is rumored that St. Paul the Apostle still lurks among them. St. Paul came to Malta in A.D. 60 as a result of a maritime incident very much like the more recent one of the Erika oil tanker.
Malta has historically tried to shove themselves onto both Italy and Britain, but after realizing that no-one wanted them, sunk to the bottom of the sea.
[edit] Language
Because Malta has been owned by every single country in Europe at some point in time, it has absorbed the cultures of many of them. There was one thing in particular that Malta liked though, and that was their languages. It took the languages from all of them, and in fact now has around 16 national languages that are all commonly spoken by the locals. If someone is not fluent in all of these by the time they have started school, they will be chucked onto Comino, the island off Malta known as "Prison Island", which currently has a population of 8. Some of the most commonly spoken languages spoken on Malta are:
- Maltese (a mix of Italian, Phoenician, Arabic, French, Spanish, Greek and English)
- English
- Afrikaans
- Italian
- French
- Greek
- Spanish
- Portuguese
- German
- Dutch
- Norwegian
- Icelandic
- Swedish
- Another Portuguese
- Other Spanish
The Maltese language itself is in fact a mix of every single language in the Mediterranean. This is due to Malta's hobby of stealing other languages. Today, people are struggling to cope with the growing number of languages, and are merging them. In a common everyday sentence spoken by a Maltese person, every word will be from a different European language.
However, the English are forcing their language over the area, saying they want it to replace all the other languages, so the Maltese language is now like Welsh, and is only spoken by OAPs. In fact, Malta once wanted to steal Welsh too, but the Welsh defended it strongly, sending their sheep after the Maltese.
Unfortunately, things are not that simple for the Maltese, (also known as "WOGS WITH BOOTS ON") as the Italians think that Malta is still part of Italy, and are also forcing their language on the Maltese. This has got many Maltese people very confused... so much so, that they decided to stop using any language all-together.
[edit] Politics
Malta, being so small, thinks that it can reach importance by sponging off everyone else. That is why, in history, it tried to merge with not only Italy, but the UK, and more recently, the whole of Europe, with the dawn of the European Union.
Malta currently has four main political parties. These are:
- Maltese Mafia
- Sicilian Mafia
- Italian Mafia
- Roman Empire Italian Party ("REIP". Pronounced "Rape")
- George Mitrovich Party
- God save the Queen Party
As Malta is the world's mafia capital, the Mafia is a popular choice of political rule. There are three main options for this, with the Maltese, Sicilian, or Italian Mafia being widely available to choose. Malta's other option, REIP, is a political party that encourages the growth of the Roman Empire, and will use rape as its favored method for conversion to the Empire.
After the electoral victory of any political party there are huge open air parties lasting 5 days and 5 nights after which the voters already realise what a great mistake they made. This was especially seen when the War of Oil began which resulted in the complete annihilation of Wyoming. Although they destroyed Wyoming, they soon realized that Wyoming never had oil in the first place and it was deemed one of the biggest military failures in history. But anyway shit happens!
Today the Maltese are conquering Europe under the supervision of the soon to be European emperor Gary Sheffield, with the largest army in the world! Already Gozo has fallen, without a fight (as usual a sort of war fetishism which recurred after the Great Siege of 1565) to the infamous 10th Totally Legal Immigrant Maltese-Somali Expeditionary Force. This force is being led by no other than the great general Normal Lowell.
Sicily does not recognize Malta as an independent country, as it claims the small archipelago to be "a province of the Sicilian Republic".
[edit] Economy
This space is intentionally left blank. It will be updated when the first financial results of X'mard-city are published.
[edit] Aid
Many people believe that Malta gives aid to poor countries, but no! Malta actually receives aid from some other members of European Union. Another 'Aid' that Malta is associated with is the sexually transmitted disease of Aids, Malta has the highest percentage of citizens who have Aids at 79.4%. One reason for this is because of its catholic culture that prohibits the use of condoms. So you know
The Camerelli-Brennan Clan has the highest rate of aids.
[edit] Architecture
Maltese architecture goes back a long way. In fact, the world's oldest man-made structure exists there (this is true by the way!). However, this structure was built by the prehistoric Italians who arrived there (surprise surprise). Even the buildings built in Malta today are simply copies of what their cousins over on the mainland have already made, too bad that their cousins' work resembled turds, more than anything else. Indeed everyone knows that the Maltese did a great job to avoid using the Italian crap that they inherited. Through evolution one can assume that they learned something. Malta is famous for its roads. Nothing like a nice Roman-style Maltese road! (Especially if you're on one of those white/yellow tankers, also known as Maltese buses.)
[edit] Ġgantija
The oldest manmade structure in the world, and on Gozo island. Apparently, the name comes from a prehistoric wording of "Giant's tower", since the Gozitan legend had it that giants resided there. Well I guess it's a likely story... what with all the giant women wondering around the streets today.
[edit] Maltese Roads
Malta is particularly well known for the quality of its long stretches of pristine and well built roads. Maltese roads are renowned worldwide, and are of such a good quality that both Pope John Paul and Queen Elisabeth's bottoms were more than comfortable when riding around in their carriages. In fact, Maltese roads do not fall on your car if you drive past them.
[edit] New Developments
Recently, in another attempt to copy their cousins a few miles north, Malta has launched numerous building campaigns, with several hi-tec complexes being built. However, these will probably fall down or remain uninhibited, a fact that their relatives up to the North are well known for doing after investing stashes of money on particular buildings (centers, hospitals, apartment blocks etc).
[edit] Residency
As a Catholic country, Maltese people believe that condoms are the hats of the devil ( also they won't fit over their Genital Warts), and therefore have an ever-expanding population - the highest in the EU in fact. This has meant the need for a mass building scheme across the "country" (if you can call it that), where all low rise housing buildings are gradually being demolished, in place of higher and higher flats. As Malta has started to become less religious, the population increase has started to slow down, but an interesting situation has so far developed there, whereby all the towns have expanded so rapidly that they have all almost entirely engulfed eachother, making Malta something of a city in itself.
[edit] Mosta Cathedral
A little known fact is that, during the Second World War, the great domed cathedral in Mosta was bombed. The bomb fell through the roof, but failed to explode, thus proving that God forever smiles upon the island. This is not a story you will hear too often if you ever visit Malta.
[edit] Tourism
Always friendly to foreigners. So friendly that they provide you with a rental car and a set of skrewdrivers to fix it (otherwise you'd be screwed). The drinks are cheap, especially at the corner shop, about two in the morning, when the 13 year olds go home. If you are a foreign student trying to find your way home while you think your head is 4 times heavier than the rest of your body, then you have the high chance of meeting a group of about 12 to 18 friendly young Maltese boys asking you for a lighter - and then they are so kind to help you take it out of your pocket, including you wallet, your mobile, the rest of you change, your ID and maybe even they take the puke out of your stomach punching it till you are about to suffocate and on your own vomit. The Police help - call them, they are there after about 2 hours only!
(See also Maltese boxing)
[edit] Night Life
All night life in Malta is situated Paceville, which everyone knows obviously means "Peace village" because it is so quiet and picturesque.
Paceville covers about a mile, and every single building within it is either a bar, club, pub or a house whose owner has kindly volunteered their doorstep for drunken revellers to vomit on. The entire Maltese population comes here every night to rave. This helps maintain its quaint appeal as "Peace village".
Barmen and Club owners are friendly to customers of all ages (especially those between the ages of 9 and 13), this makes buying alcoholic beverages easy. Apart from all 16 natioanl languages, Barmen speak in a variety of different languages including fluent and diverse forms of grunting, scratching, coughing and spitting, and long periods of gazing and nodding when encountering difficulty in understanding those lousy French bastards who refuse to speak any language but their own.
Live entertainment on the the streets of Paceville does not follow any sort of timetable or schedule, but one may encounter several opportunities of entertainment such as the usual police chasing after Arabs, police comedic relief as they never manage to catch the Arabs, dodge the bouncer, fake your age and nationality to get into clubs, hop-skip and jump the puddles of puke, hop-skip and jump the 13 yr old drunkards, bully and steal from those pesky kids, bully and steal from those pesky kid's friends.
Transport back home is ready available and very reasonably priced as there is always that 50% chance of crashing and dying on your way back to your roach motel *cough cough* hotel. But be warned that bus and minivan drivers DO NOT accept any form of small change, so be sure to carry lm20 or lm10 notes. Failure to do so will result in your getting run over.
Be sure to read all disclaimers on buses and minivans that will readily state that they accept absolutely no responsibility for: death, injury, dismemberment, loss of eye sight/manhood/items of monetary value/items which look like they might be of monetary value/children, intoxication from vehicle, shattered pelvis (its the damn governments fault for making such superbly engineered roads), finally being dumped in a field somewhere.
It is currently ruled by dj peterrr and his gang of bouncers.
[edit] Wildlife
[edit] Birds
As the European birdlife undergoes its seasonal migration, birds fly down through Southern Italy and Malta, on their way to Africa. It is known that Malta and Southern Italy are possibly the most bird-friendly areas in the world, with many species in abundance wherever you look. They are not all shot, and in fact have so many birds that Malta has more bird flu than China. There are also some birds that are kept as pets, and very lovingly kept in massive cages that are cleaned, and are given food. While it is true that Malta has the largest number of registered hunters /per capita/ none of these has ever been recorded to have fired a single shot on a protected bird. The prefered target of the local hunter is the tourist. In fact the adage "if its tourist season why can't you shoot them" is said to have originated in Malta as a rough translation of the local saying "Ghara naqara kif ser nisolhu lira".
[edit] Cockroaches
Malta's cockroaches come in a magnificent range of sizes, colors and flavors, for use in any bed-time situation. As the Maltese saying goes, "Goodnight, my pussy's tight, don't let the cockroaches bite!"
[edit] Publicity
[edit] Frans
Frans(pronounced France)( full name : Franswa, pronounced France-wa) is Malta 's hit idol He is a toilet cleaner and a seller of Fresh Cheeselets(Gbejniet Moxxi). People like Emperor Gonzi(Dictator of Malta) and Veteran Warrior Joseph Muscat(who is constantly sieging the Emperor's forces in the Parliament) usually buy cheeselets from him in his shop at Nadur
for more info about Frans, visit his hit video : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3qiH8U39Hc
[edit] Food== Maltesers=
A few years ago, the Maltese made a miraculous invention - Maltesers. These little bad boys, they claim, can be eaten over, and over, and over again. In fact, after a few cycles, they package them and send them to other countries.
SPORT (1): Maltese breastroke: an action where the arms are oustretched, then with hands facing the chest the arms brought back towards the chest, usually accompanied by the phrase "give it to me" or "it's not for me it's for my dghajsa" repeated twice during each movement.
SPORT (2)
Maltese boxing:Lure unsuspecting (usually pissed) Brit down back alley by promising to fight him man to man, the other 68 members of the Maltese side then appear and join in and beat shit out of Brit.
NOTE: Bout is cancelled by Maltese side should Brit
(a) Punch any one member of 69 strong Maltese side or:
(b) Tell 69 strong Maltese side to go fuck themselves or:
(c) Suddenly appear not to be quite so pissed after all or:
(d) six year old child appears and joins in on Brit's side thereby changing the odds not to the 69 strong Maltese side's liking or:
I expect you get the idea!
SPORT (3) Umbrella avoiding: If a Malt can't get his donkey or mangy dog pregant, the Catholic priest comes around to do the job. During his time in the house trying to impregnate the donkey or dog the priest hangs his umbrella on the door handle as a warning to the man of the house to stay away for the donkey/dog shagging time.
SPORT (4) Getting the crap beaten out of a German visitor: For male Brit visitors only, although Malts do observe and cheer. Brits go into bar where there are Germans and pretend to be harmless inoffensive little pouffs. Pick argument with Hun, but pretend to barmaid that German started it and is making you afraid, ask barmaid to please help pouffter Brits. Malts hate the Hun, this is the fun bit. When 2 fathom of Malt copper turn up and ask if "Is German bastard fuckpig offending you English gentlemen?" Brit replies in best pouffter tone "well yes but we don't want any trouble officer". (the clue is in German bastard fuckpig) On hearing the word "Yes" the Malt coppers drag Hun outside and then can be heard the crunching of Maltese fists and boots in soft spots of said German. Game over: 1 to Anglo-Maltese friendship, nil to the Hun. Brits and Maltese cops then have celebratory beers and swear undying amity. Note: can only be done once a day, even the Malt cops get suspicious should it happen more than once.
SPORT (5): Dustbin lid rattling.
The purpose and origins of this game are obscure, but believed to have started when a Malt lost a halfpenny during the purchase of Valletta.
This game is for old black clad Maltese woman only: a dustbin is approached, lid lifted, contents of bin inspected, hand reached into bin, at this moment white man (usually but not always Brit) approaches, yells "Fuck off you fucking Maltese hag", bin lid is hurriedly dropped causing rattle.
Points are awarded by the judges (Brit's mates) for artistic rattle, noise and length of hag's spit, artistic gathering of hag's black skirts in attempt to run away, curse in Maltese (which is ok because no fucker can understand Maltese anyway, let alone the Malts.
--Superandy floss 10:18, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
[edit] Kinnie
Kinnie is drunken by everyone in Malta. No one's ever quite sure what it is, but that's probably because they're completely wrecked out of their faces for drinking it. It is generally believed to consist of bitter orange juce and urine collected from street revelers during the Nadur carnival.
MARSAVIN
A local wine sold in the South-west of malta, at Marsakoxxxx (or something like that)
Also known as "mad woman's piss" or "Screech" because after drinking it the recipient will wake at 4am screaming.
Ingredients obscure, but believed to be as far away from grapes as it is possible to be. Rumoured (not confirmed)to be dog and donkey urine mixed with sewage ridden sea water (otherwise known as the Mediterrian Sea).
Great favourite of the British sailor.
--Superandy floss 10:17, 14 June 2009 (UTC)
[edit] See also
SPORT
Maltese breastroke: an action where the arms are oustretched, then with hands facing the chest the arms brought back towards the chest, usually accompanied by the phrase "give it to me" or "it's not for me it's for my dghajsa" repeated twice during each movement.
