From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
An ancient prophecy announced that one day, upon the arrival of a decisive event (the nature of the event varies wildly from one telling to another), people would be able to see flying pigs playing polo with the stars. While this version of the actual prophecy is outrageously deformed, the Star-Sporting-Pigs it depicts are true; actually, the story of a prophecy was entirely made up by the minds that observed those creatures to bring some sense and dignity back to the universe. They failed, but that is not the point.
The Malgrobex are a weird species of spatial PIGS. Their entire life cycle resolve around star-balled-sports, which are by the nature of these accessories extremely dangerous, and they keep getting hurt in their practice of these activities. This is mostly due to the fact that those pigs are NOT able to fly; they however have a propension toward incredibly huge and flashy jumps, and resultant catastrophic landings, an additional source of damage to themselves.
Reproduction and genesis
The very reason of the appearance of such a self-loving species of spatial pigs is unknown; whether God(s) was(were) bored and made them to bring a little more madness to the universe or if they are the result of a strange crossbreed between an actual fat piggy and a long-nosed-hyperactive-restless-reckless-shorty female of an unknown specie is still a mis(t)ery, yet it has also been rumored that they came from the south side of The End of the World; as to which world that would be, none knows for sure, nor really cares.
Recent sightings have confirmed that those self-injuring-sportspigs indeed have a sexual life, as well as a complex if ridiculous set of love rituals. The few eye witnesses confirm that they seem to be attracted to a yet-to-be-studied specie of Harpies, with the particularity that they would not be a crossbreed of woman and eagle, but woman and pigeon. The eventual offspring of those unions will most probably be a shock to the all biologists and a never-ending source of fun for their relatives. EVP caught from outer space confirmed the loving call of the male which would sound like a long complain [biɡɔnə], The female's answer sound is more strident and sounds like [livəmialon]. Which confirmed that the female is eager to hear the male changing his loving call.
As much as the sexual and courting rituals of the Malgrobex stays a mysterious tangle of weirdness, their will to proliferate is well known; their ambition for self-replication is most probably a direct consequence of their self-loving attitude. While they only get their offspring in single of twins batches, their will for at least a perpetual cycle of doubling the population is at least a proclaimed intention of the most encountered specimens.
While they were not officially referred to as "Malgrobex", the star-balled-sports-playings-pigs have made some apparitions in recent media as well as more traditional mythology:
- The Aladdin series, by Disney, featured an episode where the sightings of Flying Star-Polo-Playing Pigs would be the sign of a genie falling in love, the aforementioned sightings actually happening less then 5 seconds after the comment was made by the genie himself, as to obviously confirm his state. Scientific evidence and recent observations have yet to establish first the existence of said genies (or djinns), and then establish a link between their love life and the actual apparition of Malgrobex specimens. *This reference is actually true!*
- The world leading manufacturer of prosthetics, Break-a-Leg! Corp., has included several pictures of Malgrobex specimens in its most recent brochures and is now using a stylized Pig&Star as it's corporate emblem, mostly as a compensation for all the money they make by providing spare parts to many Malgrobex sports associations.
Recent research as yet to prove the existence of sub-species for the Malgrobex genre; however, lots of differences between mythological typologies are referenced and need confirmation. They theory that is most commonly believe as of now would be that their are some cosmic "power-ups" for Malgrobex specimens, instead of sub-species, in the same way that theirs powered-up Yoshis with different abilities and special capacities; those power-ups would come from specific sport preference for the concerned Malgrobex, yet it is still unknown if they would be able to create a lineage with those specializations or rather have to train their young for the specifics to be passed on.
The Flying-Polo Malgrobex, most often seen in popular myths, would most probably be an evolution of the standard, basic Malgrobex. Like the Blue Yoshi, it's incredibly advantageous flying power would come at the price of practicing an essentially funless and utterly sissy sport.
The Red-Lizard Malgrobex, or Basketballed-Pig, is a common and, like most basketball players, short-lived sub-species. His tough hide would not spare him from an incredibly high rate of knee and other articulations injury, and is thus of limited use for a sport where flashy jumps are more common than slides or actual fighting.
The AquaBex, or Swimming Pig, would be a rather rare occurrence, since it is not only quite hard to figure many sports including balls and swimming, or swimmers with balls, but even more difficult to mix water and stars, which would either evaporate or fan out respectively.
The RockyBex, or Mountaineer-Pig, is a newly discovered and assuredly suicidal specimen; known for choosing specifically vertical or even more difficult outcrops of at least 100 feet, they refuse the use of any equipment, even ropes. Those peculiar being would also show this specific characteristic of being born with various legs problems, having them rely almost exclusively on their overdeveloped arm muscles. Some theorize that this sub-specie will eventually totally forgo it's legs for a total shift over to brachiations, yet it would be most probable that they would then carry their legs' birth defects over to their arms, making them the most handicapped Malgrobex seen, making juggling their only sportive alternative.
The Green-Beret-Bex, or Sitting Pig, is an uncommon sub-specie reported to hang in abandoned buildings and small forested lots. There, they would run like hell, tripping and falling as often as obstacles could be imagined somewhere in the vicinity, accumulating paintball and airsoft bruises by the thousands. It is rumored that the Sitting Pig, which is actually quite mobile for a Malgrobex yet deserves the name in view of the easiness with which it is shot, thus plans to create a worldwide shortage of such ammunition. It is however clear to this day that an average Green-Beret-Bex will die from the thousand small hemorragies they receive through point blank shooting before even contributing to such an overall endeavor in any significative way. The term "PurpleBex" has seen some use in vulgar language to denominate de Green-Beret-Bex or Sitting Pig, mostly because the resulting corpses get colored overall by the under skin bleeding.
The RiverBex, or Rainbow Pig (nothing **y about this, don't get confused), is essentially a fisher-Malgrobex (ok, it MIGHT just be a little **y). Forever soaked up in muddy water, this starving specimen has never, in recorded history, caught a single fish; it is assumed that it lives essentially of beer, tobacco and crude jokes. While this specific breed has developed over many generations an actual rubber like set of skin-grown-leggings, they have of yet always failed to rise above the level of all the rivers the Rainbow Pig is known to claim, thus trailing him for what is often miles under the flow of hypothermia-inducing water. It is common knowledge that you can predict flood by watching for current-yanked RiverBex floating downstream, has they don't have anything remotely resembling balance and are thus easily picked by the first surge of the flood upstream, effectively warning of the coming disaster. Speaking of disaster, Rainbow Pigs have been a recurrent problem having to do with water quality in rivers; the amount of cadavers that come ashore after a long way often cause a nauseous and toxic cloud of gas that dissolves into the water, poisoning it, in addition to immediate surrounding poisoning of anything passing by has they "fart" their built-up corruption.
The Sliding Piggy, a rather uncommon specie, is more likely to reach the coldest area of outer space for sportive reasons; they apparently practice a no-skates version of hockey, which is as ridiculous as it is awkward. The level of humility needed to actually participate in such slippery and ungracious events has been for years the explanation of the allegedly few numbers of sliding piggies. Yet, their rarity is contested among scientists since people were just recently able to observe dead specimens who wandered in space in sufficient numbers to hit man's shuttles. For that, Malgrobex society resigned mankind's driver's licence for too much hit and run. One of the most famous of these accidents was back in 1986 when one of them (called Uviok) got hit by a shuttle called Challenger. This rather aggressive kind live in small groups called "Ligue de Garage" and often test themselves in feats of speed, strength of other physical attributes. There colorful fur (living so far in the cold, what did you think? they were knitting sweaters?) varies from the blue-white-red (this particular variety seems to communicate in a variety of languages) to a yellow, white and brown (strangely enough, this variety seem to have a capital "B" on their back). So far, only male species were reported, but rumors talk about some females that would have been spotted just before dawn. Even though these were not confirmed, it would explain many things.
Industrial, commercial and other usage
- The unexpected amount of fat the Malgrobex exudes through sedation has made him a world-round recognized source of fuel. Used by technologically impaired populations to fuel their oil lamps, the transformed fat of the Malgrobex has also been used for centuries by northern indigenous populations to make themselves believe some warmth could be found even in their lost parts of the globe with surprising success.
- Some fast-food restaurants have recently announced that they intend to convert all their vegetal oil to Malgrobex boiled fat. The added flavour would be a must, according to their research, while they also confirmed that human consumption would likely result in brain damage and heart disease.
- Broken bones of a specific Malgrobex sub-specie would be good luck charms against sports injuries, and since finding a Malgrobex with broken bones is actually as easy as finding a Malgrobex, those charms are pretty easy to come by.
- A recent tread in pig-fetish as made the use of malgrobex oil as lube a lucrative prospect for many corporations, now in the process of developing new methods to increase greasy sedation without killing the already broken specimens.