From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
For this essay I have been asked to explain “The Meaning of Adolescence in Males” even though this is not part of the Sociology syllabus and no one is going to read it anyway. I’m assuming the punishment is because Mr Evans objected to my drawing a phallus on the blackboard while he was in the corridor chatting up the new PE teacher (Mr Ward).
Before I begin, I would point out that this punishment serves very little educational purpose and is wholly unfair. The phallus was biologically correct (if not to scale), but I didn't actually draw it. Neither the mouth it was in, nor the head, were drawn by me either. Neither did I draw the ejaculate dribbling from his chin. Or label the head “Gayboy Evans”, even though it did look a lot like you.
I therefore submit this essay under protest, having lifted most of it from Wikipedia and spent literally moments editing it.
The History of Male Adolescence.
Adolescence (from the Latin adulterāre - to corrupt) is a transitional stage of physical and mental development in humans, between the on-set of puberty and the time when my parents are finally going to stop treating me like a bloody infant. Historically puberty and adolescence coincided, allowing post-adolescent people to be welcomed into the adult community between the ages of 21 and 25. However, with improvements in diet and health, puberty is reached and completed much earlier, leaving adolescents with several years to hang around shopping malls and sponge off their family before they are legally allowed to work. Your rules, not ours; deal with it.
Adolescence is not a traditional phase of life and wasn’t recognised as such until the early twentieth century, as most teenage children had been covered with coal-dust or stuck up chimney flues during the previous 200 years. Pioneer sociologist/biologist/philatellist Stanley Gibbons discovered adolescence in 1904 by washing a teenage member of the working class and uncovering “Distinctive markings indicating a heretofore undetected stage in the life of humankind” – thought to be acne. Upper class children of the day passed straight from childhood to adulthood by undergoing an initiation known as “Rogering the chambermaid”.
Puberty is a period of several years of rapid physical growth and psychological change that culminates in sexual maturity. It begins with a surge in hormone production, which, in boys, results in an unwelcome growth of the Adam’s Apple, cool deepening of the voice, ginger pubes and scarcely detectable facial hair. Testosterone is the hormone which drives these changes and is produced in concentrations well above adult levels until development of the gonads is complete. This may lead to the development of facial acne due to difficulty processing the breakdown products of the hormone. It may also lead to gynecomastia (the development of moobs) and to unaccountable aggression.
So that’s my excuse, okay. Calling me “Spot” and buying me a training bra for Christmas wasn’t clever, fair or particularly funny. The subsequent destruction of my father’s collection of scale models of WWII fighter aircraft was a natural biological response and had nothing to do with school anyway.
The major landmark for male puberty is the first ejaculation, which occurs, on average, at 13 and generally at night (in the form of a wet dream) but may happen spontaneously at any time. So you can also stop criticising me for having my hands down the front of my trousers all day, checking to see if it’s happened yet.
Adolescence is said to be characterised by cognitive, emotional and physical changes, which can be a cause of conflict. This may be due to a short-lasting decrease in myelination of the frontal cortex which is thought to affect cognitive processing and other executive functioning. I realise that you are merely a Sociology teacher and that your boyfriend is a PE teacher, and, therefore, likely to panic at the sheer number of polysyllabic words in that last sentence. I will translate. It’s simply not my fault. ‘kay?
The home environment and parents are still important for the behaviour and choices of adolescents. And, if they treat the place like a hotel, that at least suggests they appreciate the quality of the service provided. Adolescents who have a good relationship with their parents are less likely to engage in various risk behaviours, such as smoking, drinking, fighting, and/or sexual intercourse. As a result, they are less likely to have any friends under 200 kg who do not speak in binary or smell of stale urine. But I suppose that’s the sort of person I’m supposed to enjoy hanging around with.
For the first time in their lives, adolescents may start to view their friends, their peer group, as more important and influential than their parents. Peer groups offer the opportunity to develop various social skills, such as empathy and sharing, and it is generally the case that each peer group contains at least one member who looks old enough to get served at the off licence. Peer groups can have positive influences on an individual but they can also have negative influences and lead to an increase in experimentation with drugs, drinking, vandalism, and stealing. None of which means that it was me who lifted the charity collection for “Children in Need” from the common room and I most certainly did not squander the profits buying stock cubes from Gavin believing them to be skunk. Lack of social success can lead to depression, though there are many triggers that can lead to mental health issues in teens. As even the least informed parents know, adolescent psychology is associated with notable changes in mood - sometimes known as mood swings - which end around 18 in males and after death in females, if anything my father says can be relied upon.
Struggles with adolescent identity and depression usually set in when an adolescent experiences strife in their relationships with adults. This may be due to the activities their friends take part in (such as having some sort of life) which causes adolescents to feel as though participating in such activities themselves is essential to maintaining these friendships. This, in turn, causes jealousy in parents who have not had any sort of life since 1989. Teen depression can be extremely intense at times because of physical and hormonal changes, but emotional instability is part of adolescence and helps maintain a cool, detached demeanour that will surely one day demonstrate to Stacey Kilburn that I am the natural heir to James Dean. She was keen enough to show me her minge when we were both four and she knew it made me cry, but now...? Women are so fickle!
Adolescent sexuality refers to sexual feelings, behaviour and development in adolescents. Sexuality and sexual desire usually begins to intensify along with the onset of puberty and with access to both the internet and one’s mother’s credit card. The expression of sexual desire among adolescents (or anyone, for that matter), might be influenced by family values and the culture and religion one has grown up in, access to compliant partners, or the Rohypnol required to find compliant partners, or the strength of one’s feelings for one’s pets.
Puberty can be a time of sexual ambiguity, when a teenager’s interest may flick between genders in a way that they find confusing and difficult to cope with. Nevertheless, make no mistake - my contemptuous attitude towards you genuinely reflects my contempt for you as both a teacher and (I assume) a person. It does not mean that I secretly fantasise about you. Not even a little. I do not need your help to navigate the dangerous path towards sexual fulfilment. Indeed, if this essay is a little smudged and difficult to read it is because re-reading the print out of this section has led me to briefly imagine letting you touch me. That will have been the point at which I vomited. Copiously. Several times.
In commerce, this generation is seen as an important target. Mobile phones, contemporary popular music, movies, television programmes, sports, video games and clothes are heavily marketed and often popular amongst adolescents. As are narcotics and hallucinogens. Often by the same people.
In the past (and still in some cultures) there were ceremonies that celebrated the arrival of adulthood, typically occurring during adolescence. Seijin shiki (literally "adult ceremony") is a Japanese example of this. During Seijin shiki, Japanese girls who have reached the age of 14 are encouraged to wear a skirt they grew out of at the age of 10, and to spend some time bending over on Metro platforms before standing on a crowded train squashed between their father’s friends, who welcome her to adulthood by ritually rubbing themselves against her.
In Judaism, 13-year-old boys and 12-year-old girls become Bar or Bat Mitzvah, after which they are encouraged to invade neighbouring communities and build new homes. Alternatively, Boys may chose to stand on stage and make insightful but gently self-deprecating comments on the vagaries of life while eyeing up potential future adoptive daughters. Among some denominations of Christianity, the sacrament of Confirmation is received by adolescents and may be considered the time at which adolescents become members of the church in their own right and lose all social credibility. In the United States, girls will often have a "sweet sixteen" party to celebrate turning the aforementioned age and the third anniversary of losing their virginity to “that guy with the really cute hair who said his name was Michael.”
Legal issues, rights and privileges
The end of adolescence and the legal onset of adulthood vary by country and by legal jurisdiction. Milestones along the path to majority are the right to drive a vehicle (17 in the UK if my Dad ever gets off the couch to take me out for a few lessons), the right to serve in the armed forces (16 in the UK, if you’re a retard), the right to vote (18 in the UK and then watch the Monster Raving Loony Party race to electoral victory), the right to buy alcohol (also 18 in the UK, 12 in Tesco), and the right to have sex (16, if you’re lucky like that bastard next door, Gavin).
Consequently, at 17 I am legally allowed to be in control over a ton of steel and drive it at 60 miles an hour round mountain passes, pay taxes, and get shot at on behalf of Queen and country, but it is, apparently, too much to expect to be able to walk into “The George and Dragon” and order a Bacardi Breezer in the vain hope of letting that fat slapper, Stacey, let me progress a few bases from the stinky finger she's given to everybody with a Y chromosome this side of Wales.
In conclusion, since it is evident that you will not read this essay, I feel secure in pointing out that you are a pretentious piece of shit masquerading as a teacher, who is only popular amongst the girls in our class because they feel safe around you. It is only a shame that the male half of the class cannot feel the same.
Personally, I hope you die in pain. But not quickly. You may be 25. You may arrive at school in quite a cool sports car, even if it is fifteen years old. You may have very expensive clothes and smell of after-shave I cannot afford. However, if you ever set another unnecessary essay as a punishment, think on – my cousin Kevin is a bouncer and, next time you are down on your knees sucking off Mr Ward in that bondage club you like on Regent’s Street, he’ll be texting me a photo I can post it on the college website.