Making up Oscar Wilde quotes

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“Why the hell do you people keep quoting me?”
~ Oscar Wilde on this page
“Quotes are like my penis, everybody has seen it and they laugh uncontrollably.”
~ Oscar Wilde on this page
“I hate it when water splashes up my asshole when I'm trying to take a shit. I like when other things go up my asshole, just not water.”
~ Oscar Wilde on defecation

Officially listed as the National Sport of England, making up Oscar Wilde quotes is widely regarded as the greatest spectator sport ever invented, with the possible exceptions of Sudden Death Twister and Sockey. (The reigning world champion of this sport is still Twista.) Please note that people who prefer making up fake stories about real quotes tend to prefer Pithy Saying Man.

And remember:
“The key to making up Oscar Wilde quotes is to add '~ Oscar Wilde' at the end.”

It has come to the attention of Uncyclopedia that real Oscar Wilde quotes have been maliciously placed into pages here. In order to fix this problem, Uncyclopedia has designated a special page for Official Oscar Wilde Quotes.

“There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is including real Oscar Wilde quotes.”

Oscar Wilde's Most Quotable Quotes

“The only thing worse than quoting me, is not quoting me”
“Oh what are you gonna do, misquote me?”
after being threatened.
“Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.”
on Wikipedia.
“Women smell funny.”
on women.
“Jesus saves, Moses pays and I take the rest.”
“Early Grey tea, some biscuits, a love couch and I'm there!.”
on ways to bribe him.
  • “I got ninety-nine problems... but a bitch ain't one.”
  • “I got ninety-nine problems... and they're all bitches.”
  • “You know, your dress reminds me of my bedroom cur... okay, that's it, we're THROUGH!!!”
    ~ Oscar Wilde to his first love
  • “I have nothing to declare but my genius, and this four-kilo bag of cocaine.”
  • “A man can't be too careful in his choice of enemas.”
  • “The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being brutally, brutally buggered.”

Oscar Wilde on His Mother

No this section is not about Oscar Wilde literally being on his mother (Lady Fanny Wilde), but, as with other sections in this topic, is about quotes that he has made about his own mother. Well… erm… at the moment… all four of them:

  • “When I got out of my mother, I looked round and thought: 'That's the last time I go down one of those…!'”
  • “She doth mean the earth to me! By earth, I actually mean dust.”
  • “A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.”
  • “She doesn't see the irony in calling me a son of a bitch”

Oscar Wilde on Pornography

  • “A gentleman can't possibly go wrong with some good MILF action!”
  • “Well, it certainly isn't going to watch itself!”
  • “Veni vidi veni iterum! (I came, I saw, I came again!)”
  • “I shall define pornography as I see it.”
    ~ Oscar Wilde when asked what pornography is

Oscar Wilde on True Love

  • "Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "All love is true, but not all truth ... is love?" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "If music be the food of love, get me a supersized big mac, chips, two apple pies and a large milkshake." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "True love is just like regular love, but with more truth." ~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde on Philosophy

  • "When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers. My prayer was to be immortalized by unintelligent gibbons on a satirical Web site." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "We are all in the gutter, but not ALL of us are ugly" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "We are all in the gutter, but some of us like it there" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "The only thing worse than being talked about is being misquoted." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "The only thing worse than being misquoted is being sentenced to two years' hard labour for buggery" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "The only thing worse than being sentenced to two years' hard labour for buggery is not being able to bugger at all." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Don't sweat the petty things...or was it don't pet the sweaty things?." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "My philosophy? I'm always right and you are wrong." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Peace Sells....But Who is Buying?" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Philosophy and life are sort of like Neosporin and sex. You use it only when you've been fucked too hard." ~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde in Literature

  • "There is no such thing as a moral or immoral book. Except for the Kama Sutra. And the Bible. And that hideous Where's Waldo series." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "I have nothing to declare except WAR ON AUSTRIA." ~ Oscar Wilde, 1936
  • "If you took out every 'and it came to pass' in the Book of Mormon, it would still be a load of poppycock." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "The "decay of lying" is the biggest truth ever known to mankind. That makes it the biggest paradox too. Yeah. What? I said it. DO SOMETHING. ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "When I was young, I was no one. Now, I'm worldwilde." ~ Oscar Wilde on solecism
  • "I had a piece of pork, I put it on a fork,/And gave it to the curly-headed Jew./Pork, Pork, Pork, Jew, Jew, Jew." ~ Oscar Wilde, asked to compose an impromptu poem in 1864

Oscar Wilde in Commercials

  • "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener; that is what I'd truly like to be! 'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer weiner, everyone could suck on me!" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Either these curtains go, or I go ... TO TGI FRIDAYS!" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Absinthe: my anti-drug." ~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde on Sex

  • "Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "I admire a man who is willing to have sex with a boiling tea kettle"~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. Either experience, or Shelby." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Life is like a rape. If you can't stop it, then enjoy it." ~ Oscar Wilde'
  • "Sex is a divine pleasure, essential for attaining that highest level of happiness, Nirvana. I may not be a practicing Buddhist, but I sure do know my Kama Sutra!" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • “I may be drunk, but in the morning I will be sober and you'll still be Winston Churchill.”
    ~ Oscar Wilde on Winston Churchill

Oscar Wilde on Women

  • "When it comes to charming a woman, a biting wit is never substitute for a drink with a bite." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "I only had a woman once, it was before slavery was abolished." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that, would tell one anything." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "God created woman from a man's bone. Why God? Why? Why waste a perfectly good bone? Men are better with their bone."~Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde on Naughty Stuff

  • "If you catch something beautiful you should hold on to it for as long as possible because sometimes if you let go he'll run straight to the police." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not like men." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Personally, I think women being attracted to women is immoral. But not quite as bad as men being attracted to women." ~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde on Pirates

  • "I always love a bunch of sea men!" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Yes, shiver me timbers! No, no, a little more to the left..." - Oscar Wilde
  • "More sea men on your poop deck?" - Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde on Space Travel

  • "Some day, mankind will send various objects into a dark, airless place without it being a double entendre." ~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde on Racism

  • "There are three things that I hate in this world: racism, those dirty Jews and hypocrites." - Oscar Wilde
  • "I've always found the African-American experience invigorating. Especially when he only charges you five bucks and a bottle of malt liquor." ~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde on Minimalism

  • " " ~ o.w.
  • ""
  • "I forgot, how does one be minimalistic? Someone please explain, as I'm quite confused. Is it the act of only taking one cock in the arse? Sounds tragic. There should never be less than five cocks in your arse at any given time. Unless we're talking about the young lads. The number becomes ten to accommodate the small size. Black ones are the best. What was I talking about again?" ~Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde on the Meaning of Life

  • "A young man once asked me, 'What do you think the meaning of life is?' I replied to this young man; 'I believe that the meaning of life is the property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and inanimate matter, manifested in functions such as metabolism, growth, reproduction, and response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originating from within the organism. Now bend over that table, you sweetheart.'" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Finding the meaning of life is easy. Simply get a dictionary, go to the 'L' section, and find the word 'life.'" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "I don't know the meaning of life, but could it be that we are mere pawns in The Game of Life. Spin that fucking wheel, I want to be a Millionaire Tycoon baby!" ~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde On Holiday

  • "I'm on holiday, don't ask me to say a quote. Wait a sec...... DAMN IT!" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun - I wonder why?" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "Everything's legal in Algiers." ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "I have nothing to declare but I'm going on vacation and you'll be stuck in the office writing bad jokes on Uncyclopedia while you watch out for the boss looking over your shoulder." - Oscar Wilde
  • "Holidays ah yes holidays, a chance to unwind, relax, and enjoy the company of men. Yes, just men — let the ladies retire to another room" ~ Oscar Wilde
  • "When in Rome, do the Romans." - Oscar Wilde
  • "There are two tragedies in life; one is not getting what you want. The other is having to go to Wales on holiday." - Oscar Wilde.
  • "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." - Oscar Wilde

Songs by Oscar Wilde

  • "Girlfriend's In My Colon" OH, OH
  • "Love Him Madly"
  • "He Loves Me" Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
  • "Viva East London"
  • "Is that Your Colon or Are You Just Happy to See Me?"
  • "I Made Up My Own Quotes and Now I'm Famous"
  • "Born to be Wilde"
  • "He Bangs!He bangs"
  • "Rollin' in my Jaunty Carz"
  • "I Gots Gigolos In Different Area Codez"

Real Quotes


“Life is too important to be taken seriously...What's this? A real Oscar Wilde quote? What the hell is this doing here?”
~ Oscar Wilde on being taken seriously
“Because we'd rather have a bowl of coco pops ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde when asked his opinion on Bran Flakes
“Oscar Wilde is the only known person alive on earth who is capable of making Mark Twain jokes and passing them off as Oscar Wilde quotes.”
~ Mark Twain on Oscar Wilde's plagiarism
“..and don't let him touch me. Especially right there! ”
~ Mark Twain on Oscar Wilde's plagiarism

See Also

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