Making up Oscar Wilde quotes
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Oscar Wilde!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde
“Have you ever drunk Bailey's from a boot?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Old Gregg
“Do you like things that are... sexual?”
~ Oscar Wilde on the first thing he says (whilst leering and dribbling) when a stranger enters a room
“Is there a page on uncyclopedia i aint quoted on!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on uncyclopedia
“My BEST butt buddy EVER!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Rajdin
“The internet may hate him but i do not... unless he touches my damn peanut butter again!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Blargbag
“Holy shit... a cat.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde
“I touched MC hammer once....it didn't end well.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Touching MC Hammer
“It's like taking acid at McDonald's.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bathing Fully Clothed
“The only thing worse than being talked about... is getting AIDS.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde
“Why the hell do you people keep quoting me?”
~ Oscar Wilde on this page
“It seems I have just created a paradox!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde
“Quotes are like my penis, everybody has seen it and they laugh uncontrollably. It's not so funny after it's shoved down your throat daily, though.”
~ Oscar Wilde on this page
“Why dont you just quote my myspace also”
“Leave Oscar Wilde alone! what did he do to deserve you writing all this crap about him?!? HE'S A HUMAN BEING!!!”
~ Chris Crocker on Why we should all LEAVE OSCAR ALONE!!!!
“One of us has got to go”
~ Oscar Wilde, on his deathbed, about this article
“Mmm...Speaking Backwards, am I.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Yoda's follies
“In Soviet Russia, Uncyclopedia quotes YOU!!'”
“Must be the luck of the Irish! Wait... shit”
“Must Exterminate ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dr Who.
“I'm having a bath, must you people follow me everywhere? If you're not a Corgi please put your trousers back on and get out of my bathroom!”
~ Oscar Wilde on bathtime
“I became dizzy at an earlier moment but thankfully, my equilibrium is now restored”
~ 'Oscar Wilde on The Eater vol. 9 no. 10'
“I have nothing to declare but this opium”
~ Oscar Wilde on airport protocol
Officially listed as the National Sport of England, making up Oscar Wilde quotes is widely regarded as the greatest spectator sport ever invented, with the possible exceptions of Sudden Death Twister and Sockey. (The reigning world champion of this sport is still Twista.) Please note that people who prefer making up fake stories about real quotes tend to prefer Pithy Saying Man.
And remember:“The key to making up Oscar Wilde quotes is to add '~ Oscar Wilde' at the end.”
NOTE:
It has come to the attention of Uncyclopedia that real Oscar Wilde quotes have been maliciously placed into pages here. In order to fix this problem, Uncyclopedia has designated a special page for Official Oscar Wilde Quotes.
P.S. “There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is including real Oscar Wilde quotes.”
[edit] Oscar Wilde's Most Quotable Quotes
“Clear !! ”
~ Oscar Wilde, on defibrillation...
“Mmmmmmmm, religilicious”
~ Oscar Wilde, on the new God Cereal
“I have had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane”
~ Oscar Wilde, on these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane
“Hey moose fuckers, stop Fucking mooses!”
~ Oscar Wild on Canadians.
“Bootylicious!”
~ Oscar Wilde, on The Ghetto Room
“I fucking love garage band!”
~ Oscar Wilde, on Down's syndrome
“He's my home skillin' biskits!”
~ Oscar Wilde, on Homsar
“ Wilde. Oscar Wilde”
~ Oscar Wilde, on JB
“Verily, a cock he most certainly is. That is all.”
~ Oscar Wilde, on Chick Young
“Smack that all on the floor!!”
“They aint gotta bitch ass on it!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Their Bottoms.
“How do you make that inverted b? Oh wait, never mind”
~ Oscar Wilde, on d
“Oh my--My God, I wish I could do that.”
~ Oscar Wilde on /d/
“He wasn't as fun as the other guys I had... wait he was a chick?!”
~ Oscar Wilde (not) on his wife
“The only way to swing!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde, on his homosexuality
“This. Is. SPARTA!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sparta
“So much done, so much yet left to do”
~ Oscar Wilde on a roomful of men
“Uncyclopedia sucks, Wikipedia rocks ... oh DAMN!”
~ Oscar Wildeafter getting drunk.
“FOUR HUNDRED BABIES!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the effects of Powerthirst
“I. Drink. Your. MILKSHAKE!”
~ Oscar Wildeon Your Milkshake.
“Madame, I may be drunk. But in the morning, I shall be Samuel L. Jackson, whilst you shall be Anne Widicomb.”
“FIVE HUNDRED BABIES! Even better.”
~ Oscar Wilds
“The only thing worse than quoting me, is not quoting me.”
“Oh what are you gonna do, misquote me?”
~ Oscar Wildeafter being threatened.
“I constantly narrate my life, in third person, in an Australian accent.”
~ Oscar Wildeon his secrets.
“You'se a bitch and I'm aint!”
~ Oscar Wildeto his main woman.
“I thought Oprah was french pastry.”
~ Oscar Wildeon learning about Oprah.
“Women smell funny.”
~ Oscar Wildeon women.
“I tried to visit Albania but I couldn't find it on the map.”
~ Oscar Wildeon traveling to foreign countries.
“ITS TIME TO D-D-D-D D-D-D-D-DUEL!”
“Did I ever tell you I have a vicious stuttering problem?”
~ Oscar Wildeon the previous quote
“Once again ... It's not gay if you don't like it!.”
~ Oscar WildeOn Taking it in the Ass. Taking it Right in the Ass!
“Earl Grey tea, some biscuits, a love couch, and I'm there!”
~ Oscar Wildeon ways to bribe him
“Nothing is as difficult to take seriously as people who take themselves seriously.”
“Do these pants make me look emo?”
~ Oscar Wildewearing size 0 women's jeans. Black, naturally
“You know, my name does have wild in it.”
~ Oscar Wildehigh on cocaine at the time
“Sh*t! My (insert body part)”
“I swear I will shoot all you dirty mo' fo's if you quote me again.”
~ Oscar Wildeon shooting us dirty mo'fo's
“People don't kill people, I kill people.”
~ Oscar Wildeon killing people
“DON'T TASE ME, BRO!”
“SPARTANS, ATTACK!”
“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking ... carriage”
~ Oscar Wildefrom Snakes On A Carriage
“Alas poor Yorick, I knew him ... in America.”
~ Oscar Wildeon Remembering one of his favorite Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged series quotes.
“This is Madness!”
“You want to get the Undead, I'll tell you how to get the Undead. One of their men pulls a knife, your man pulls a gun, they send your man to the hospital, you send their man to the morgue, that how you get the Undead.”
“All your Oscar Wilde quotes are belong to me”
(First words): “Curtain, no!”
“Because I got high!”
“[Cock Joke]”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tankmen
“FUCK NICK CANNON!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Nick Cannon
“Make up your own damn quote!”
~ Oscar Wildeon being quoted
“Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.”
“IF YOU SMELLLLLLLL what OSCAR WILDE is cookin'!”
~ OscarWilde
“I got ninety-nine problems... but a bitch ain't one.”
“I got ninety-nine problems... and they're all bitches.”
“You know, your dress reminds me of my bedroom cur ... okay, that's it, we're THROUGH!”
~ Oscar Wilde to his first love
“I have nothing to declare but my genius--and this four-kilo bag of coke.”
“Not funny 'ha-ha', funny queer.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sexuality
“If you really think I said any of this, you're a bigger cunt than you look!”
“Your mom goes to college!”
“A man can't be too careful in his choice of enemas.”
“The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being brutally, brutally buggered.”
“I believe it was Noel Coward who said: 'I believe it was George Bernard Shaw who said: "I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said: 'I believe it was Noel Coward who said:...”
“Fuck that!”
~ Oscar Wilde on French
“No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”
“Arrrg! The Spanish Inquisition!”
“No! Shut up! Shut up already!”
“It's Friday, I ain't got a job, and I ain't got shit to do...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Weekends...
“Exodia, Obliterate!”
“If there's a law, I broke it.”
“TONIGHT WE DINE IN 19TH CENTURY BRITAIN, mmmm, scones!”
“Oh shit, I forgot what I was going to say.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
~ Oscar Wilde on AAAAAAAAAAA
“That 'Doctor Who' knew his shit. Blatantly a homosexual ”
“That 'Doctor Who' knew his shit. I'd screw him... ”
“You can't spell 'Manslaughter' without 'laughter' ”
“Well, you can. But it wouldn't be right.”
“Are you enjoying yourself, Mr. Wilde? ”
~ Lady Gwendoline
“Sure, why not, but this orgy fucking sucks!”
“What do you get when you cross a Pegasus and a Unicorn? A Pegacorn!!”
~ Oscar Wildeon telling bad jokes
“You better or I'll poke you with this fork and let the dog gnaw on you!”
~ Oscar Wildeon overheard conversations
“B! B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B!”
~ Strawbe... I mean Oscar Wilde
“If I had a hammer...”
~ Oscar Wildeon friendly fire.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die! ”
~ Oscar Wildeon James Bond
“Here's OSCAR!”
~ Oscar Wildetalking to his wife
“I did NOT have sex with that woman!”
~ Oscar Wildeon women
“Give me all you got!”
~ Oscar Wildeon taxes.
“My hair is becoming aroused!”
~ Oscar Wildeon his hair.
“You call that a knife? THIS is a knife!”
~ Oscar Wildeon calling non-knives knives
“You just hate me 'cause I'm black!”
~ Oscar Wildeon why you hate him
“I want more in a relationship than just sex. I want GREAT sex!”
~ Oscar Wildeon relationships
“Homeland what?”
~ Oscar Wildeon Homeland Security
“I won three purple hearts!”
~ Oscar Wildeon why he should be elected
“I'm going to Disneyland now!”
~ Oscar Wildeon what he is going to do now
“It's not easy being humble when you know you're best.”
~ Oscar Wildeon humbleness
“It's a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there.”
~ Oscar Wildeon foreign countries.
“YOU STEPPED OUT IN CLEAR DAYLIGHT AND YOU SCRATCHED IT!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Ringer
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Tony Tiger
“Meh. They're not bad.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tony Tiger and Frosties
“Yes Please!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tony Tiger
“Tony Tiger? He's GREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAT!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tony Tiger
“Not really, he's a ginger cunt.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tony Tiger
“HOLY SHIT! It's a talking Tiger.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tony Tiger
OMG its oscar wilde sflvndflivbdlvldfbdsfbaflbnsdfbnsdflnsdfkbnsfdkbnsdkfbnsdkfgbdsjfgbkdfkbgsdnflsdnblsdjbsdklnbkdnbkdnbkslnbkdbndsfnbjdsnfbdkfndsfjkbnskdfnbkdsfnbksjdfnbkjdfnbkdfsnbjkdsfnjkbdnfbnsdfjknbkjsdfnbksdfnbkjdfnbkjsdfnbsdfbsdfbdbfbsdf
[edit] Oscar Wilde on His Mother
No this section is not about Oscar Wilde literally being on his mother (Lady Fanny Wilde), but, as with other sections in this topic, is about quotes that he has made about his own mother. Well… erm… at the moment… all three five Bat Fucked Insane truckload this Ape Shit Crazy Fuckload of them:
“B*tch aint my mom!”
“Sometimes I wish she would just grow some balls.”
“I'd hit that!”
“Yes, please!”
“I like your mom better...”
-
“Daddy doesn't know, daddy doesn't know, daddy doesn't knoooooow... (so don't tell daddy!)”
~ Oscar Wildeon his mother's relevance to Lustra's hit song, "Scotty Doesn't Know"
“Fun is cheap, short, and unfulfilling.”
“My mom is cheap, short, and unfulfilling.”
“If I sit on it, it will stop vibrating.”
“That cursed bitch was the one who went and gave birth to me. What were my grandparents thinking when they named her ‘Fanny’?”
“When I got out of my mother, I looked round and thought: 'That's the last time I go down one of those…!'”
~ Oscar Wilde reincarnated as Stephen Fry
“She doth mean the earth to me! By earth, I actually mean dust.”
“My own mother is no more than a common prostitute, and I her bastard son. I have come to the conclusion that this is why my grandparents called her ‘Fanny’.”
“You mean those boobs are for me!?”
~ Oscar Wilde on breastfeeding
“A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.”
“This is your show, ‘My momma’.”
~ Oscar Wilde …or was it Wilmer Valderama?
“…slut…”
~ Oscar Wilde on his mother
“I still like your mom better.”
“When Santa was laughing, it was my mother he was thinking about…”
~ Oscar Wilde on on Santa's distinctive Ho ho ho...
-
“She doesn't see the irony in calling me a son of a bitch”
“Nigguh I know you aint smack-talkin my mom! I AM”
~ Oscar Wilde
“I'm waiting for her to die. ”
~ Oscar Wilde
-
“I would like Fanny more if she hadn't passed down her HIV+ to me”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Im'a bust this bitch wide open!”
~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Drew Hart
“Yes, please!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“DREW'S GAY!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“You know what Drew Hart eats for breakfast...COCK!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“That's what I call DREWLICIOUS!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“So like, one time i hit Drew in the nuts and he fell to the ground in pain and he was laughing and I was like OMGLOL"”
~ Oscar Wilde on his BFF Drew S. Hart
“Bro you got to try to limit yourself on the cock!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Fuck!, and I thought I was gay.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“SHORYUKEN the fag!”
~ Ryu from Streetfighter
“Yeah, I did it”
~ Drew Hart on 9-11
“There is a 50/50% chance he may and or may not have a vagina”
~ Dale Gribble
“ It's like an unneutered dog”
~ Gordon Keith
“ Drew's Gay!”
~ Everyone in the World
“ The only reason why drew likes cock is because his is small”
~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Pornography
“Yes, please!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“In my time, there was no such thing as 'Doggystyle'. We used cats. ”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Full frontal nudity is reserved for Adam and Eve!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“My porn is like my sex. It's only 5 minutes and there's a bunch of little boys.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Well, it certainly isn't going to watch itself!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Veni vidi veni iterum! (I came, I saw, I came again!)”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Don't buy used porno tapes. You don't know what it's picked up from all those VCRs it's been in.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Did the Marquis De Sade and I even live in the same era?”
~ A very confused Oscar Wilde
“I shall define pornography as I see it.”
~ Oscar Wilde when asked what pornography is
“Excuse-me! I shall sodomize thee!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Baby love, my baby love, I need you, oh how I need you." ”
~ Oscar Wildeon child pornography
“Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me!”
~ Oscar Wilde on pornography
“Porn! Right! I'd always felt my plays were missing something...”
~ Oscar Wilde on pornography
“The purpose of art is to make the imagined seem real, the impossible seem possible. Pornography has much the same purpose. ...”
~ Oscar Wilde on pornography
“I'd like to think of it as 'Oscar Wilde Time'..if you know what I mean! ...”
~ Oscar Wilde on pornography
“You know that French stripper Alizee, yeah I'd tap that, wait... she's NOT a stripper!?!?”
~ Oscar Wilde on French Strippers
[edit] Oscar Wilde on True Love
- "Fuck me!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "All love is true, but not all truth ... is love?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I love lamp." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Nevermind, actually I love pies better." ~Oscar Wilde
- "God is love, love is blind, Stevie Wonder is blind, therefore Stevie Wonder is God." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "If music be the food of love, get me a supersized big mac, chips, two apple pies and a large milkshake." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "True love is just like regular love, but with more truth." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Sounds too much like hard Work." ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Philosophy
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I am the God of this puny site, now fear my quotable wrath!" 'Oscar Wilde'
- "I ain't getting on no plane, fool!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers. My prayer was to be immortalized by unintelligent gibbons on a satirical Web site." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "We are all in the gutter, but not ALL of us are ugly" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "We are all in the gutter, but some of us like it there" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The only thing worse than being talked about is being misquoted." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The only thing worse than being misquoted is being sentenced to two years' hard labour for buggery" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The only thing worse than being sentenced to two years' hard labour for buggery is not being sentenced to two years' hard labour for buggery" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The only thing worse than being sentenced to two years' hard labour for buggery is not being able to bugger at all." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Don't sweat the petty things...or was it don't pet the sweaty things? I've forgotten, and I'm drunk." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The only problem with dancing on the weekends, is the weak ends on the... no, wait, that doesn't work." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Your foolish misquotes do not impoverish me. I am a bugger, not a beggar." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Philosophy is like a normal personal organizer, but it's smaller than a matchbox." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'm so smart, I read and understand Hegel" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Good things come to those who wait. Totally awesome things, like HD TVs and iPods, come to those who steal them." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "My philosophy? I'm always right and you are wrong." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Peace Sells....But Whos Buyin?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Philosophy and life are sort of like Neosporin and sex. You use it only when you've been fucked too hard." ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde
- "If I were married to me, I would still be Queen!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I've got the balls to be wild." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'd hit that!" ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "The only thing worse than being gay is not being gay." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "I'm a cunning linguist. I'm a master debator. I'm good at oral... presentations." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde's credentials’’
- "He is a man I greatly admire." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "Wilde, Schmilde." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "Because being bitchy and unstable is all part of my mystique, I doubt, therefore, that I might be." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "I have nothing to declare but my genius. And that I'm a flaming homosexual." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "There is no such thing as a heterosexual male, only men who have yet to meet Oscar Wilde." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "I am what I am. No, wait, that's Popeye..." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "Born to be Wilde." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "Without 'me' it's just aweso." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "I'm smarter than Wikipedia." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "Who the hell is Oscar Wilde anyway?" ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "Nope, still don't know him" ~Oscar Wilde suffering from short-term memory loss
- "Handsome looking bugger i'll give him that"~Oscar Wilde On being presented with a picture of Oscar Wilde
- "WHY AM I ON THE INTERNET? Oh. The Biggest Smackdown Of All Time. That's why. God, that was fun. Good times...Good times..."
- "What the heck? I'm not Oscar Wilde!" ~ "Mitch Hedberg"
- "Yeah. Googled myself last Friday night. Got about six thou, maybe seven results. Yeah. Turns out, got more results than like, GANDHI. Kick. Ass."
- "What the hell is Uncyclopedia and why do these people love me so much?" ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’ (not the Oscar Wilde from the rest of this page, just some other dude with the same name...that anticlimactic loser)
- "Goddamnit, are you fucking blind? Do I look like a French elite soldier? Do I carry a sword with me? Am I blond? No, dammit! So I am NOT a GIRL!" ~ Oscar Wilde, once again having to explain stupid anime fans that he is not was NOT on Rose of Versailles (no, anime fans are not stupid, some are, but not all, like every other group of people in the world, so don't fry me alive, otakus)
- "I must be related to the Earl of Roseberries. Get it? Rose - berry. Roseberry. I crack myself up!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "That boy is one fine piece of ass." ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "Rearrange Wilde and you get Dewil. That's what Noel Coward calls my lovebone!" ~ ‘‘Oscar Wilde’’
- "I'd shag him if he wasn't me." ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Sports
- "I've said it once and I'll say it again: pound for pound, the XFL had the NFL beat" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Whatever happened to Butch Huskey?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I really like those bike riders. How do they stuff all that into those shorts?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The entire pottery community is going to be watching this play." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Ah, rugby - the true british sport. All those fine young men running up and down the pitch covered head to foot in mud and stuffed into tiny white shorts.. I used to love the school rugby team" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "So that was a pom-pom in her vagina?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- American Football, where a quarterback makes a pass to a tight end while trying to score. Yes, please! ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Kobe Bryant? Yes Please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde in Literature
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Actually, no thank you." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Wilde. Oscar Wilde." ~ Oscar Wilde on James Bond
- "Did you guys ever see "Jingle All The Way" with that bloody chap, what was his name ... I believe it was Tom Arnold or something ... anyway, that was implausible fun!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "There is no such thing as a moral or immoral book. Except for Kama Sutra. And the Bible. And that hideous 'Where's Waldo' series." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "There is no such thing as a moral or immoral book. Except for The Picture of Dorian Gray." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "There is no such thing as a moral or immoral book. Except for The Secret Life of Oscar Wilde." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I have nothing to declare except WAR ON AUSTRIA!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Ernest? - he's not important. Now Lady Windermere, she's got a *lot* of fans ... hang on..." ~ Oscar Wilde gets inspiration for not one but two plays.
- "No one wants to see a play called 'Lady Windermere's Fan'. It's going to be called 'Cocks in Frocks II' or I will find another publisher!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "If you took out every 'and it came to pass' in the Book of Mormon, it would still be a load of crap." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The "decay of lying" is the biggest truth ever known to mankind. That makes it the biggest paradox too. Yeah. What? I said it. DO SOMETHING. ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Rimbaud? Yes, HUGE fruit. Screwed his way half through Europe. Ended up burnt out in Africa. Poor sod, bless his heart." ~ Oscar Wilde to Lady Beasley the Third
- "When I was young, I was no one. Now, I'm worldwilde." ~ Oscar Wilde on solecism
[edit] Oscar Wilde in Commercials
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I was smiling too hard, what?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I was going to buy an iPod, but I hated the idea of becoming a silhouette." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Wilde wiener; that is what I'd truly like to be! 'Cause if I were an Oscar Wilde weiner, everyone would put their mouth on me!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Mr. Lyons, your test results are in, and I regret to inform you that you've got only 3 months to live. But, there is good news! I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching over to Geico!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "My, this cup of PG Tips is delightful!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Calm down dear! It's only Oscar Wilde!" ~ Michael Winner in the infamous Oscar Wilde sexual health insurance commercial.
- "Oscar Wilde! Apply directly to the forehead! Oscar Wilde! Apply directly to the forehead! Oscar Wilde! Apply directly to the forehead!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I cannot believe that Jon Lovitz has sunk so low as to do an impersonation of me in an attempt to sell submersible sandwiches." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Oscar Wilde and cream, Oscar Wilde and cream." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Hi, I'm Oscar Wilde, and this is Mac and PC." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Either that wallpaper goes, or I go ... TO TGI FRIDAYS!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Absinthe: my anti-drug." ~ Oscar Wilde
- I have good news. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching from Geico! ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Confused.com? But I am 100% gay, not confused!" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Sex
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I mean think about it, it's not really rape if he gives you head, now is it?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "You mean to tell me he was HOW old?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "It isn't rape if you shout "Surprise!" first, then it's just surprise sex." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "There's a bit of gay in everyone, just normally it's a part of me." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I admire a man who is willing to have sex with a boiling tea kettle." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I had sex with a renter last night. This morning, I learned he had herpes. All in all, it's just another brick in the wall." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Lo, with a little rod I did but touch the honey of romance. And, lo, on that rod now groweths painful genital warts." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. Either experience, or Shelby." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Too many cocks spoil the breath." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "A cock a day keeps depression away." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Vladamir Romanov, he sucks Paul Hartly off, Vladamir Romanov, he sucks Paul Hartly off..." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'm bringing sexy back!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Hey, Lovecraft, you remember that time we tag-teamed that giant squid thing?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Life is like rape. If you can't stop it, then enjoy it." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Oh, yes ... I had sex with a young goat. They punished me, not the goat. I understand ... after all, he was just a kid." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "They don't call me "Buck" for nothing. Okay, it's because I'm cheap. And I pay for sex." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Sex is just like renewing your driver's license, only instead of taking an eye exam, you stick your penis up someone's arsehole." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Sex is a divine pleasure, essential for attaining that highest level of happiness, Nirvana. I may not be a practicing Buddhist, but I sure do know my Kama Sutra!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I may be drunk, but in the morning I will be sober and you'll still be Winston Churchill." ~ Oscar Wilde on Winston Churchill
- "Nirvana, thy name is orgasm." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "It's not rape if he moans!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "It's just that I have a wide stance." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr Garrison?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "We are thrust into this unholy world, so may we continue thrusting until we are sore!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "May I remind you that it was YOU who gave me genital warts in the first place, Winston? That reminds me of something I once said: 'Making love is like drinking fine wine, but instead of drinking the wine you put your penis in a young boy.' ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Damn, that donkey is a fine piece of ass!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless." ~ Stewie Griffin on the strange, yet widely accepted relationship he shared with Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Women
- "The only way to a woman's heart is through her rib cage with a kitchen knife." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "No, thank you." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Eeeewwww!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "All women are quite useless." ~ Oscar Wilde's penis
- "I prefer it without the 'wo'." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I only had a woman once, and it was before they abolished slavery." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "It smells like pussy in here." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I mean she was a woman, rounding to the nearest gender." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "And this one time, at band camp, I stuck my cock in a pussy... it felt horrible!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "She was the kind of girl who looked and said only one thing: 'woof'."~ Oscar Wilde
- "A gentleman never cums in a lady's eyes." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "If I were a woman, I'd be pregnant all the time! You just gotta love those big bellies...those fat, juicy arses ... aaahhhhhh ... I'd be f*cking all day long, and I'd never have to worry about getting knocked up ... because I already would be! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Big Booty, Big Booty, Big Booty; Big Booty, aw, yeah..." ~ Oscar Wilde's evil twin Edliw Racso
- "Wait a minute, I'm supposed to put my what in your where?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "As the old saying goes, if there's grass on the field, she's been playing naked baseball." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that, would tell one anything." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "When I came out of my mother, I looked around and said: 'That's the last time I go down one of those!'" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "It's not my fault she had a penis." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "She's a man? ... Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "If I doth stick it rear, the sex of the human does not matter." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I like big butts, and I cannot lie." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The vagina is like a bear trap for the penis. No wonder all men are gay." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "You see, the common misconception about me is that I'd like to be an Oscar Mayer weiner. This simply isn't the case. I'd like an Oscar Mayer weiner to be in my mouth or bumhole. I hope that clears it up for everybody." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "No, I don't want you touching mine. Yours fell off already." - a young Oscar Wilde to his sister
- "What are they?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Tastes like chicken." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Vagina, shmagina." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "One time I ate out with a woman, I had crabs and I'm still finding hair in my teeth. That's why I switched to men." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Why are there so very few that have a penis?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Well now, that wasn't a venus fly trap..." ~ Oscar Wilde on sticking it in random places
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Naughty Stuff
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel. Jolly good!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "How could anything that feels good be illegal?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I keep reading 'quote-misattribution' as 'quote-masturbation'." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Right, I'll just bend over here, and if anyone catches us, tell them you were going skinny dipping with some ladies, and you slipped." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "She's kind of fucking cute. Let her touch your penis" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I believe I told you to go fuck yourself up your own arse!" ~ A slightly inebriated Oscar Wilde
- "If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "If you catch something beautiful you should hold on to it for as long as possible, because sometimes if you let go he'll run straight to the police." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "If everyone said 'penis' in church, then I wouldn't stand out." ~ Oscar Wilde while in church
- "You can't say 'happiness' without 'penis'." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Smoking shortens your cigarette!" ~ Oscar Wilde on smoking
- "A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not prefer men." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Fuck me! Thats big!" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Lesbians
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'm lovin' it." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I don't get it." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I guess I'm one, sort of ... the man version anyway." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I believe that one is the man and that one is the girl." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I wished I had two mommies." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "All the more lovely males for me!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "It's a bit confusing when you can't tell if it's a boy or a boyish girl." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Hell yes!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Santino Rice is Rasputin." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Personally, I think women being attracted to other women is immoral, but not quite as bad as men being attracted to women." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Plaid for plaid's sake." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "There appears to be a metallic snake traveling through a portal of raw meat." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Mmmmm..." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Fuck Michael Harding. Both of them." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "It's not lackin' any meat ... and that's what real women need! NEEYAH HA HUH!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "OH SCISSOR ME TIMBERS!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "There are no lesbians. Only women with invisible dicks." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "wait a minute... if we're both gay, does that mean we can do it!?" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Ninjas
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I look forward to quoting you soon!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Way cooler than Pirates!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "But not cooler than the movie of the same name!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "What the fuck are they doing playing peekaboo with the enemy? It makes no fucking sense!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Throwing stars, hmm?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I keep three hundred spare ones on my left shoulder, see them? Didn't think so." ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Pirates
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I like the butt kind best." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Arrr! Avast ye mateys! Feast your spyglass on these britches, for there's booty to be scuttled! ... Arrr!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "All pirates are Pastafarians, but not all Pastafarians are pirates. I am a practicing and quite devout Pastafarian; does that make me a pirate? ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I really didn't think you could do it Sparky, but I digress. You sank my battleship!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I always love a bunch of sea men!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "More sea men on your poop deck?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "My favorite man on this boat is the coxswain. Arrr..." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Let me tell you something, laddy... you ever try to send your coxswain to my poop deck again, and I'll rip off your fucking cannonballs, got it?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Almost as cool as eskimo thugs! But not quite..." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Booty and poop decks go together like black people and fried chicken." ~ Oscar Wilde (also see Oscar Wilde on Racism)
- "One-hundred gay men out at sea. One-hundred gay men just for me." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Ahoy matey. Avast ye climb my main mast, aye swab yarr poop deck, savvy? Click, click, chuck chuck, awooga, ey?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Shiver me timbers and I'll plunder yer booty!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'm not the cap'n, just his first mate!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'd love to polish his peg leg!" ~ Oscar Wilde on Long John Silver
- "They don't call him 'Long John' for nothing!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "You smell like fish, ya big brute!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "You can have the Cap'n, I'll take the Kidd!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Drop yer sheet and come about!" ~ Oscar Wilde to the cab'n boy
- "Oooo, oohhh, oh gawd, oh gawd, ohgawdohgawdOHGAWD! GAWD! OH GAWD!!!" ~ Oscar Wilde on the Captain's log
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Space Travel
- "That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "One doesn't need a large rocket to send a probe to Uranus." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I forgot my towel!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "It's too big to be a space station." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Kirk/Spock! omg otp!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Open the pod bay doors HAL!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Some day, mankind will send various objects into a dark, airless place without it being a double entendre." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I would rather have a knife thrust into my bowels than be an aluminum tube with a limited amount of air and two thick fingered Russians." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "She promised to take me to the moon, but I really wanted Uranus." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "For the love of Dog, someone name a planet "Prick"! I'm getting sick of all these space Uranus jokes." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Beam me up, Scotty!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "S-Surely you've realized ... I'm not your old mentor ... just an imposter ... who came ... to love the part ... only hope I played ... it ... well..." ~ Oscar Wilde's last moments with Luke Skywalker
- "Look! It's Titanic! Wait, why did they change the name to the Death Star? ~ Oscar Wilde
- "May the Force be with you." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Force your way into Uranus Luke." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Kiss you? I'd rather kiss a Wookiee..." ~ Oscar Wilde rejecting Padmé Amidala.
- "Luke, the Force will be with you. Always." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Darth Vader, I am your father!" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on JFK
“Yes, please!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“I'd bang that!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“I'd hit that!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“I'd shoot that!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Hell, I did bang that!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“I did shoot that!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Step aside, President Johnson, it's my turn to brain-fuck that!”
~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Scotch Eggs
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Lady McTavish, and here I was all excited about having the Laird's testicles, not these bacon wrapped balls." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Scotch eggs are the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. They are exquisite, and they leave one unsatisfied. What more can one want?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "A day without Scotch eggs is Like a bowling ball without a liquid centre." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "How else but by a severe case of dyspepsia, brought on by a surfeit of Scotch eggs, can Lord Christ enter in?" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on James Brown
“Yes, please!”
~ Oscar Wilde on James Brown
“Get on up!”
~ Oscar Wilde on James Brown's trousers
“Stay on the scene.”
~ Oscar Wilde on James Brown in the gay community
“Like a sex machine!”
~ Oscar Wilde on James Brown inside Oscar Wilde
“I feel good!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde inside James Brown
“I knew that I would.”
~ Oscar Wilde on DatingDirect.com
“This is a man's world!”
~ Oscar Wilde on being upya
“AAOOW!”
~ Oscar Wilde on James Brown
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Margret Thatcher
“Yes, please!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The execution of Thatcher
“Actually, I much prefer that Cameron chap.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pornography
“That ladyboy has already turned!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Thatcher as a post-op transgender
“Rather beaver-teething!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Thatcher's face
“Tina Turner is an ideal candidate to cast as Thatcher.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mad Mac 3
“It's inevitable, and will be celebrated greatly!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Thatcher's death
“Let's avoid her, like the plague.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Thatcher
“AAOOW!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Thatcher
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Racism
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Only black people are racist." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Suppose you were a congressman, and suppose you were a nigger. But I repeat myself." ~ Mark Twain on Oscar Wilde
- "I've always found the African-American experience invigorating. Especially when he only charges you five bucks and a bottle of malt liquor." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I have a dream." ~ Martin Luther King Jr.
- "Im not racist, I love black people, they taste delicious!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'm not a racist. I've heard quite a few black snakes moan in my day." ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Minimalism
“y,p!”
~ o.w
-
“'”
~ o.w
-
“.”
~ o.w
-
“..”
~ o.w
-
“:)”
~ o.w
-
“I dare say, the point of this section of quotes escapes me, quite hastily.”
~ o.w
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Politicians
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Jim McGreevey. My kind of governer." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Larry Craig was really looking for me in that bathroom" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "George Bush doesn't care about black people!" ~ Oscar Wilde"
- "George Bush doesn't care about Oscar Wilde!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Everyone loves Kim Beazley now. In fact, everyone's behind him except Amanda Bandstone. Geddit? Geddit?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I actually voted for John Kerry, before I voted against him." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Richard III is all forehead and nose." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Either George Bush goes, or I do." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The great questions of the day will not be settled by resolutions or the votes of majorities in assemblies, but by Blood and Iron." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'll let them eat a million statistical deaths, because they don't have any bread!" ~ Oscar Wilde after a night of earnest political discussion with Stalin and Marie Antoinette.
- "Grover Cleveland was the President of the United States in my day. Now there was a party animal! Oh, the moustache rides ... I'll never forget the moustache rides." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Was it six million? Well, anyway what a beautiful moustache." ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on GNU/Linux
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
-
#!/bin/bash while [ 1 ] do echo YOU SUCK
~Oscar Wilde, on You
- "chmod -R 000 /" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "rm -rf /*" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "kill -9 -1" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "If only I could have buggered mankind half as well as Mr. Gates Operating System." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "If only 'sudo pederasty' worked in my day" ~ "Oscar Wilde"
[edit] Oscar Wilde on the Meaning of Life
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "A young man once asked me, 'What do you think the meaning of life is?' and I replied, 'I believe the meaning of life is the property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and inanimate matter, manifested in functions such as metabolism, growth, reproduction, and response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originating from within the organism. Now bend over that table, sweetheart.'" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Finding the meaning of life is easy. Simply get a dictionary, go to the 'L' section, and find the word 'life.'" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I don't know the meaning of life, but could it be that we are mere pawns in The Game of Life. Spin that fucking wheel, I want to be a Millionaire Tycoon baby!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "This is the breakdown of the points system: [1] point for every good deed you have ever done, [-2] points for evil acts, [0.0000000000001] points for every million dollars you earn, [500] points for each orgasm you were *involved* in, with a {50x} multiplier for multiple O's and threesomes (I scored a lot here), [-10,000] points for each minute spent scratching various gnarly regions, and [8,000,000,000] points for fucking the woman/man/Motherboard/animal/shitpiece/Madame-Tussauds-wax-model of your dreams. The person with the most points accumulated at the time of death is the Winner of Life and gets The Title Of Immensenessousness. He or she gets 10% off on mood rings and First Class Dildo privileges in the afterlife." ~Oscar Wilde
- "New England Clam Chowder, but only the white kind." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "42. Or was it 43? Meh, I never remember these things. Hail bananas!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "MASHED IN A BUCKET!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "You want to know the meaning of life? Go out and buy Slayer's 1986 Thrash Metal Classic, Reign in Blood. Not Slater, f*cking SLAYER! Now Listen to it, and once you've gotten through the whole 28 minutes, you've heard the answer to the meaning of life." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Cock. Thats pretty much what comes down too. Right Dolly? Oh wait, thats right..." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The meaning of life is an anagram of all of my quotes on the meaning of live. Get cracking, you worthless, ferret-like, decoders! The first one to find the answer will get A Leather Bound, SARS Laced, copy of my Limited Edition Book of Quotations By Oscar Wilde. I'll throw in a free blowjob&handjob combo plus French Fries and a Diet Dr. Pepper." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Well don't look at me, how the heck am i supposed to know the meaning of life?"~Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Decapitation Disease
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Only the French, my dear. Only the French." - Oscar Wilde
- "That's the Marquis de Sade's area of expertise, not mine." ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Calculators
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "WHERE IS THE SPACE BAR??!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Look, I spelled out 'HELLO BOOBIES'" - Oscar Wilde
- "Look, I spelled out 'HELL'"
- "Look, I spelled out 'ASSHOLE'. I had to use an 8 for the 'A' which doesn't quite work, but it's close enough to get some laughs." - Oscar Wilde
- "But if there's no Silicon Heaven, where do all the calculators go?" - "Oscar 'Kryten' Wilde
- "I don't need one, I have a chinaman do all my work for me." - Oscar Wilde
- "I copied the Mona Lisa onto my graphing calculator all for you, only with my face." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!!" ~ Oscar Wilde after testing 20Q
[edit] Oscar Wilde on things that did not exist during his lifespan
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Who the fuck is Pete Wentz?!?! ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Computers are only good for porn and my quotes" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "There are two things in life that are hard to find: a woman who drives well, and a computer that does not crash"
- "DNA evidence will prove my innocence"
- "BOOM! HEADSHOT!" ~ Oscar Wilde on Counter-Strike
- "Nuclear bombs don't kill people, Madmen dictators do!"
- "What the fuck is an iPod? (cries)"
- "I love cookies, but how the hell did they get into my internets?!?!?!" ~ Oscar Wild
- "I thought AIDS only kills monkeys."
- "I just got the miss new booty ring-tone. I freaking love that bubbasparxxx!" ~ "Oscar Wilde"
- "In Soviet Russia computers search you..." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "What's this Nambla business?" ~ "Oscar Wilde"
- "Womens rights?" ~ Oscar Wilde on something that still doesn't exist."
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Profanity
- "Fuck yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Look! Up there, what is- SHIT! What the f*ck was that?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Balderdash!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Well I say, I think that was Shaggy." ~ The rather large and possibly dangerous wookie
- "Buggery, buggery bollocks..." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Never said me own mother's name ... I just call her Her Whoreship." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Members of the jury, I like bananas. Big yellow bananas. And I don't mean eating them, either." ~ Oscar Wilde whilst defending Big Bird in Court
- "It would be immeasurably appreciated if you would respectfully refrain from uttering such profanity whilst you find yourself in close proximity to my presence. CUNT! ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I 'cunt' hear you dear, 'cum' again? I must have an ear in-'fucktion! ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Lord of the Rings
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Fucking elves......." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Hey, Legolas! Meet me backstage-and bring Aragorn!"-Oscar Wilde on Elvish Customs
- "Any man may be the Lord of my Ring." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" - to his mother, trying to get out of the bathroom ~ Oscar Wilde
- On the way to Mordor
- SamOscar Wilde: "Mr. Frodo? What is it?"
- Frodo: "Just a thought.I don't think i'm going to be returning."
- SamOscar Wilde: "RESPECT, Nigga!"~ Oscar Wilde
- Pippin: "Is there any hope, Oscar, for Frodo and Sam?"
- Gandalf Oscar Wilde: "Who? Man, i gotta stop smokin' that stuff Gollum gave me "
~ Oscar Wilde
- "Rudy and that kid that played Huck Finn are going to do it." ~Oscar Wilde
- "Is it just me or was Sam and Frodo totally gay?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "They're gonna kiss! They're gonna kiss! They are soooo gonna kiss! Damn it a hug. CURSE YOU HOLLYWOOD" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Man, those orcs are fucking ugly!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "My precious [cock]." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "My precious."~'Oscar Wilde on "his cock" '
- "I actually wrote the series but I gave it to Tolkien in return for drugs and blowjobs." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "One does not simply quote me into Mordor." ~ Oscar Wilde on Mordor
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Holiday
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'm on holiday, don't ask me to say a quote. Wait- DAMN IT!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun - I wonder why?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Everything's legal in Algiers." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The Germans always steal the best poolside chairs - that's why I have to remind them they will lose the war." ~ Oscar Churchill Wilde
- "I have nothing to declare but I'm going on vacation and you'll be stuck in the office writing bad jokes on Uncyclopedia while you watch out for the boss looking over your shoulder." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Holidays ah yes holidays, a chance to unwind, relax, and enjoy the company of men. Yes, just men — let the ladies retire to another room" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "School's out for summer, school's out forever." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "When in Rome, do the Romans." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "No, I'm serious. DO the Romans." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "There are two tragedies in life; one is not getting what you want. The other is having to go to Wales on holiday." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Smmmmmmooooooooooookke on the waaaaaaaaaaaaater" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Bugger Bognor. If you have the energy." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "You know whats wrong with Africa? They dont sell the daily mail, and there's too many black people." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Oh cabana boy! Could you please bend over? I dropped something in the sand." ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Drugs
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Does it detect all kinds of smoke?" ~ Oscar Wilde, on an airplane smoke detector
- "For when the dog turns his head, the man wins the cattle, but even as the duck throw up, the mice get the leftovers, for it is written that lambs eat grass, so shall pig eat pork." ~ Oscar Wilde on Opium
- "I only go there to get wasted on laughing gas." ~ Oscar Wilde on his dental surgeon
- "This crack cocaine is awfully moreish." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Good shit." ~ Oscar Wilde on weed
- "Puff, puff, pass, bee-yatch!" ~ Oscar Wilde on the bong
- "When one has the munchies, it is written, Get the fuck to the nearest 7/11." ~ Oscar Wilde on Weed
- "Cocaine is one hell of a drug..." ~ Oscar Wilde on the 1980's
- "HOLY SHIT, THAT LEPRECHAUN STOLE MY STASH! GET HIM!" ~ Oscar Wilde on shrooms
- "Mnnn-mfff-fff-mhkkk-ghhmmm! Pfffff!!!" ~ Oscar Wilde on Industrial Glue
- "..." ~ Oscar Wilde on too many drugs... WAY too many
- "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!." ~ Oscar Wilde NOT on painkillers
- " can I lick it off THAT? " ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'm coughing up furballs." ~ Oscar Wilde on kitten huffing
- "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I once fucked my way through $900 worth of vicodin. And them's 1848 dollars." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Hey, man, you don't talk to the Colonel. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll... uh... well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you"... I mean I'm no, I can't... I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's... he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas..." ~ Oscar Wilde on who the hell knows what
- "A DIME BAG?!" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Filibustering
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "This sentence is very short and has no value until someone gives value to this useless sentence which will probably take a long time and that will simply not do at all for this sentence is not merely interesting but funny as well for the creator of this article was mental and had no sense and the article could use something actually funny and like how capybaras and fungi are related which would make the article very hilarious as well as useful and it might even be put up on the Main Page which would be amazing for such a boring article that doesn't even break the record for shortest sentence as well as the most boring article ever on this wiki but if it ever did break a record all cats would be famous and that would be very nice for cats love ice cream and pasta which the world could use getting rid of for they are very healthy and they taste like sushi and sushi tastes like milk and milk tastes like dino eggs and dino eggs taste like rocks and rocks taste like spinach which does not taste good at all but yet this article might be good if there was a such thing as a dragon for they breath fire and would kill everyone and that would be very funny and that would be so cool for dragons because dragons have lots and lots of fun killing but maybe they don't have fun killing maybe they just kill because they get to told to in books like Eragon which is not as cool as dragons in wintertime which is when everything is cold and not warm but sometimes it will be warm in winter if you are lucky and if you are not lucky it will be cold like ice cream which if you are lucky will be cold and if you are not lucky it will be warm and liquidy which could be a word and otherwise it isn't a word and if it isn't a word then I should not have used it because using made up words is not very smart because it seems like you can't find a real word to fit the situation such as that crocodile is so crocodiley see look it makes you seem dumb because they think that you can't think of a real word when really if you have tried you could have said that crocodile is so reptillian which I think is a real word but maybe I spelt it wrong and maybe if I was lucky I did because at school I learnt to spell things correctly like the word the and cheese I spelt them correctly see check a dictionary I spelt that correctly too because I went to school which is where you can learn to spell and sometimes you learn things like the language features of a cinquain poem but not always but usually if you are doing a unit on poetry which was once said to be the english language at its best but not if the poem was in spanish than it would be the spanish language and its best which is not the same as the english language because they don't use the same words and Mexican's can't speak english they speak spanish not mexican which is what George Bush once said they spoke because I think it was supposed to be a joke like this article but it failed miserable because as said earlier it isn't funny and will not win any awards unless it is lucky and if it isn't lucky you might have a cold winter or maybe a warm ice cream which are both equally unlucky unless you do not believe in luck but instead believe in destiny or fate which is what I am trying to find out so I took up the hobby of palmistry which is reading palms and you can learn things like what your head line and life line are but you don't learn things like that in school you learn things like the language features of a cinquain poem and you also don't learn things about dragons who might or might not like killing people but dragons are cool and you might learn are them in school if you are lucky and if you are not lucky you will be forced to eat warm ice cream and have cold winters and while you are participating in such fun activities as the eating of warm ice cream and having a cold winter you may need to keep in mind that you could die at any second like now or now or now or now or maybe but not likely now and I don't think that anyone died when I was typing now or you were reading the nows but then again maybe some one in a place like Africa did because on planet earth someone dies every 2 seconds but that is probably because Africans die a lot because they starve and catch diseases because no one will teach them how to take over Microsoft and become rich like Bill Gates who is the captain of the chess team in the song High School Never Ends by bowling for soup which is a band like Fall Out Boy except the only difference if Fall Out Boy is actually good a ha ha ha just kidding they are not good they are the opposite of good they are bad which if the opposite of good or if you like you might say antonym or is it synonym I am not sure they taught me in school along with the language features of a cinquain poem but I cannot recall which means opposite and which means something similar but synonym is probably the similar one because it sounds the same at the start or maybe I am wrong I have been wrong before like the time when someone was in an epic aeroplane chase from police heli-copters which were not as fast so they used the army jets to follow the criminal who was in an aeroplane which he got off e-bay but anyway he was flying fast and I told the army to use a nuclear missile to hit the plane but not a homing missile just a nuclear one and I was wrong and it missed and hit Germany and that is how Hitler was born but not Adolf Hitler, his older brother Harry Hitler (who soon changed his name to Harry Potter after causing WW9 and 3/4) who was not Adolf Hitler because they can't both be DJ Adolf Hitler unless they had the same name which they did not and I know this because I asked my mother when she was having a heart attack and answered my question which was 'was adolf hitler the same as his older brother' and she replied 'call an ambulance' which I assume was mother talk for no and since mothers no everything I was sure my mother was right and you might be wondering why I say mother not mom and the answer is because I am a kiwi so I spell mom with a 'u' like mum and I wasn't sure if you understood it and I don't like spelling it like mom so I just say mother which is correct even if you are American or a Kiwi which is also the native bird of New Zealand but they like to call themselves Kiwi's sometimes but even New Zealanders are not animals they are humans like you unless you are an animal or an alien and you may think this is is racist to aliens because I said they don't count as humans but that is the truth they are not homo-sapiens they are aliens unless on some really far off planet they co-incidentally called themselves home-sapiens too but they probably didn't just like Harry Hitler didn't have the same name as Adolf Hitler or pizza didn't have the same name as oinker who was a pig who starred in the classic movie released in 1987 titled 'Who'a stole'a my pig?' in which the pig runs around the well known country of Canada in an attempt to escape from the evil Italian chef who wants nothing more than to eat Oinker however the evil chef known only as 'Evil Chef' assumed some Canadian had stolen oinker and proceeded to slay 1 bajillion Canadians before Oinker gathered the courage to admit that he never was stolen and ran away because he wanted the Evil Chef to stop killing the friendly canadians who had sheltered him in his time of need which is why he confessed to the Evil chef but the movie received high ratings for having a pig who could talk a human language like Italian to humans unlike that lame city pig Babe or that Pig in Charlottes Web whose name I cannot recall and if that pig had been able to speak fluent English he wouldn't of needed that spider's help but I think that is enough about pigs how about we talk about some current day music like Elvis who was good but I think he is no longer alive or he could be a zombie which would be cool because he could sing and write some cool zombie songs like 'Zombie Life Never Ends' or 'Boulevard of Broken Heads so I could Eat Brains' or 'Welcome to the Undead Parade' or 'Don't Feel Like Livin' or 'How to Take a Life' or 'One Way Ticket to being a Zombie' or 'Download this Brain' or 'Stacy's Mom's Brain' or 'When I'm Gone and Back as a Zombie' or 'Eat my Mind' or 'Ridin' Deady' or 'I died while landing Holly' or 'In the Summer-by the way I'm a zombie-time' or 'The Saints are Coming to Send Us Back to the Underworld But we are Going to Eat their Brains When They Get Here' or 'Love Me or Ate Me' or 'Roller-Coaster of Dead' or 'Window Zombie' and if he zombie Elvis made all the songs it would be cool for a zombie I'm sure no one would sue him and everyone would love the songs but then again I cannot tell the future so I don't know if they would sell well hopefully they do because Zombie Elvis could be the next Weird Al Yankovic but only bigger because he is the King because he is Elvis but enough about Elvis let's hear more about this article which only went to Dragons have lots of fun killing people and then I (imaginaryperson) did everything else because I am so nice and have nothing better to do because school just ended for the day and I didn't learn about any language features of a cinquain poem because I was lucky and get to eat cold ice creams and even though it is summer in NZ I might have a warm winter if I am lucky but anyway I was just three-two-wondering if you want to talk about something relevant to today such as t.v. shows of today but I am in NZ which rhymes with TV so it probably will be different than what you see on t.v. or NZ so maybe how about hold on I just realised school taught me how to spell maybe man that is crazy I never thought I would use something I learnt in school that is weird but it would still be better if dragon information was taught in school but I guess that is too much to hope from but if it were taught in school then it would be a miracle but then again I don't believe in miracles because only God creates miracles and I sure as hell don't believe in this so called 'God' because he doesn't like gay people and we all know that I'm the first in line to scream 'Hey Girlfriend!' at any given moment but now I've forgotten what I was talking about." ~ Oscar Wilde on removing the fullstops (WTF, New Zealand?)
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Russian Reversal
- "Please, yes!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "In Soviet Russia, Oscar Wilde quotes YOU!" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on hairy, unwashed Bavarian men
- "No, thank you." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "On second thought, yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on the Ottawa Senators
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Hockey?!? I thought they were figure skating!!!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Man, do I want a piece of that Sidney Crosby...Wait, why is the tape still on! (struggling with tape), I didn't say that, that was uh...my uh...." ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on The Matrix
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Can I have another red pill please?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "There is a spoon, but I lost it in thought." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The Matrix had me all night long, and now The Matrix has me begging for more! Must be those pills..." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Did somebody say KEANU REEVES? I'd like to 'Kung Fu' him..." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I am The One" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Ergo." ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Bash.org
<Oscar_Wilde> ye, pl0x!1!!111 #135 +(1515)- [X]
<Oscar_Wilde> we have a jedi council at our fucking school
<Oscar_Wilde> how gay is that?!?
<Oscar_Wilde> i actually had a kid try that wavy hand thing on me
#386 +(272)- [X]
<Oscar_Wilde> hm I've been 16 the last 3 years on irc heh
#425 +(503)- [X]
* Oscar_Wilde is away, watching porn [Pants:OFF] [Hands:ON]
#2307 +(128)- [X]
<Oscar_Wilde> and I'm trying to get some work done, and I'm watching the keoki musicvideo and they have all these women that look like that they were in the same room at Rainbow Brite when she exploded and couldn't get all the colour off and they're all kissing and stuff, and it's just "distracting" to say the least...
#3124 +(172)- [X]
<Oscar_Wilde>Yes, please!
<JMPZ> Either you are too horny for you're own good, or I am...
<Oscar_Wilde> i don't know what that means...
<Oscar_Wilde> 'too horny'?
<Oscar_Wilde> usually once you get too horny the problem solves itself
#5660 +(143)- [X]
<Oscar_Wilde> I hate maths. What do you reckon they'll do if I fail it?
<0ut_Lore> you repeat it. fail it AGAIN, and you face the exclusion board. guess what they do? ;P
<Oscar_Wilde> Exclude you from having to do it a third time? :D
[edit] Oscar Wilde on The Hooker Under his Bed
- "Yes please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I say, dear boy, what's the point of having a bed if you're not going to have a few surprises down below? Anything less would be absolute tomfoolery!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Try to guess where the rest of him is!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "He was there when I moved in! Honestly!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I didn't mean to kill him, I swear!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Shit! I'm running out of room!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "If you tell anyone, I swear I will find you and KILL YOU MYSELF!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The last person who ever crossed me is dead under my bed!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I didn't have sexual pleasure with her, only her 3 big black brothers. OH YEAH!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "My only regret is that he didn't draw blood." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "It's starting to get moldy." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "That's not a little boy that I am paying to pork, that is ... that is ... that is ... look, a distraction!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I keep him there so he won't run to the cops. Cause I don't play that snitching shit, son!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "He says his name is Trixie. Unlike the rabbit, I'm going to get the trix. Catch my drift?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Bitch set me up!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "How did that get under there?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "PEEKABOO!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Bosie, is that you?" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Keep looking, dear. My bite stick and shackles are down there somewhere." ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Mike Tyson
- "Yes, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'd hit that!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I normally don't do interviews with men unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore ... unless you want to, you know." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13 years old." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "F*CK, MY EAR!" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Songs by Oscar Wilde
- "Yes, Please!" (2011) #51
- "Actually, No, Thanks!" (2011) #21
- "Girlfriend's In My Colon" (2009) #312
- OMGWTFBBQ NO WAAAAYZ I AM TEH LEET POWNZ (actully just a recording of Oscar Wilde in the shower) (2009) #1
- "Love Him Madly" (2008) #2
- "He Loves Me", Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!" (2008) #81
- "Viva East London" (2004) #9
- "Is That Your Colon or are You Just Happy to See Me?" (2000) #0
- "I Made Up My Own Quotes and Now I'm Famous" (1991) #30
- "Born to be Wilde" (1969) #1
- "He Bangs! He Bangs!" (1951) #39
- "Rollin' In My Jaunty Carz" (1902) #111
- "Skull-fucking Shakespeare" (1868) #2
- "I Like My Men Moist" (1813) #3
- "The Venga Bus Is Coming" (1800) #69
- "Smack That!" (1897) #58
- "Candy Shop" (1899) #3
- "One Minute Wonder" (1874) not even in the charts.
- "I'll Only Sleep With You If You Have A Penis (Christmas Remix)" (2008) #1 for eight weeks.
- "Fly for a white guy" (1974) #987
- "This river is Wilde" (1946) #32
- "THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" (1935) #1
- "I go Wilde" (1994) #15
- "Wilde Horses" (1971) #28
- "Sympathy For The Wilde" (1968) #1
- "Whose gonna ride Wilde's Wild Horses (apart from himself)(not on living record) #12.5
- "Train In Vain (Stand By Me) (1327) #7 and 8/9ths
- "Kids in America" Duet with his great-granddaughter, Kim Wilde (1982) #8
[edit] The Truth
- "No, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "It hurts... so good." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Guns don't kill people, Oscar Wilde quotes with guns kill people!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "You can't handle the truth!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Atlas is Fontaine." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "The truth is rarely pure and never simple. NOT!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Why? Because fuck you, that's why." ~ Oscar Wilde
- "Soylent Green is made of people! You're all eating men! Save some for me!" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Oprah
- "I'd rather be on Jerry Springer!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "I'd rather be on the bathroom!" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Oscar Wilde on Uncyclopedia
- "No, please!" ~ Oscar Wilde
- "so i herd u lyk mudkipz???" ~ Oscar Wilde
[edit] Real Quotes
“The quote was a complete success, but the readers were a complete failure”
~ Oscar Wilde on the successful quotes
“Life is too important to be taken seriously...What's this? A real Oscar Wilde quote? What the hell is this doing here?”
~ Oscar Wilde on being taken seriously
“I can resist anything but temptation.”
“Oscar Wilde is the only known person alive on earth who is capable of making Mark Twain jokes and passing them off as Oscar Wilde quotes.”
~ Mark Twain on Oscar Wilde's plagiarism
“..and don't let him touch me. Especially right there! ”
~ Mark Twain on Oscar Wilde's plagiarism
| HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos |
If you read this entire article, you are a very sad person who lives with his mom
[edit] See Also
[edit] Related Articles
  All Things Wilde: A listing of everything about Oscar Wilde | |
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